Dancing With the Stars 14, March 27: The Losers’ Club

Welcome back to my lair, my prettys (or is it pretties?) – it’s time for another season’s worth of Dancing With the Stars results shows. Our 12 celebrities were spared from the axe in Week 1 – a good idea anyway, since it allows us to see every star dance at least twice, but especially this season, as everyone came out of the gate strong – but no such luck this week. Tuesday night means bye-bye for someone, based on a combination of judges’ scores and viewer votes – this time, accumulated over a period of two weeks.

Here’s how the leaderboard looks so far (after two weeks):

As usual, the results show feature a bunch of filler, and we kick things off with an original routine involving every pro – male and female – on the show. The girls start out on the staircase, shucking and jiving, while the guys (clad in open-shirt black) do their thing up front. Eventually, we break into coed pairs to “I Just Want You to Dance With Me Tonight.” Appropriate, no?

Regular readers will know of my crush on pro dancer Lacey Schwimmer, and can imagine my disappointment that she isn’t on the show this year. I wipe away a tear. Thankfully, my other two crushes, Cheryl and Chelsie, are still around. What can I say? I’m not a man who likes to be tied down to just one “never going to happen in a million years” reality TV infatuation. Call it a fear of commitment.

Our dear friend Tom “The Quipmaster” Bergeron and Brooke “Dear Lord, Did You See My Dress Monday?” welcome us to the first results show of 2012, and we get into backstage clips from Monday immediately.

Maks urges Melissa to remember the beginning before going out on the floor. Of course, we know that Melissa had an early boo-boo but recovered pretty well. Len thought it was too “loose” though. So says Mr. Tightwad. Melissa says Brooke backstage that the routine was the most fun she’s had. She clarifies for us that she means on a dance floor – she’s had fun other places. Heh. Maks wants to know which other places. “Disneyland,” she responds. Heh.

Gladys, Queen of the Obvious, tells us that the quickstep is quick. What you may not already know is that she ain’t too bad at it. Len, however, didn’t “100 percent appreciate” her effort. Cue lusty booing from the audience. Len blows Gladys a kiss then gives her a score of 5. The booing escalates. Sherri offers Gladys some moral support, but she says it doesn’t bother her.

Before Martina’s dance, Len tells her she can touch him as much as she wants. Oh, I’m just not going to go there. And Martina should not have gone there with those red ruffled pants either. The dance is the first real clunker we’ve had so far this season, and Tony tells the judges, “We’re trying, I know!” Tony consoles Martina afterward because she’s hard on herself, lamenting that she “blew it.” The woman is clearly a perfectionist, which is why she’s so good at tennis, but will take things like this really hard.

So it’s time for some results: Melissa, Martina, and Gladys will be the first to learn their fates. The first couple declared safe is …

Melissa & Maks! I bet that one’s Maks’s female-heavy fan base.

Gladys & Tristan are safe too.

Martina … not so much. She and Tony are in jeopardy. Martina acts fake-surprised. It certainly isn’t a shock to anyone there or watching at home. At least she can make light of it.

Time for some filler music! Someone I’ve never heard of named Matt Nathanson is singing a song I’ve never heard called “Run” with a group I’ve only barely heard of called Sugarland. Matt starts out by telling the Sugarland chick that he wants to watch her undress. He’s staring at her pretty intensely and it’s a little creepy. Normally I’d just fast-forward through this stuff, but I’m actually getting some comic value here. Peta (dressed in white) and Tristan (I’m pretty sure it’s him, dressed in black) are dancing out on the floor, a sweet, romantic routine. Not impressed by the song, but the dancing is nice to watch.

Brooke Chat! William & Cheryl, Jaleel & Kym, and Roshon & Chelsie are the first interviewees of the night. What kind of feedback is Roshon getting? Well, speaking for my own family, my mother thinks he and Katherine are the best so far, but I’m sure my mom is not who Brooke is referring to. Roshon is “lovin’ all the love.” That sounds like a great song title. He’s also “takin’ it in” and “keeping’ it movin’.” This is turning into a Schoolhouse Rock song about verbs.

Was Jaleel (who, along with Katherine, is my favorite so far) confused about what the judges were saying about his jive? He says no; he watched the tape of Monday’s dance with his two-year-old daughter this morning. She apparently looked at the screen, said, “Dora,” and walked out of the room. Heh. Kym’s perplexed expression is priceless. “I guess I’ve got some work to do,” says Jaleel amid laughs.