The Celebrity Apprentice 5, Episode 7, Part 2: I’m Gonna Walk Like a Man, Fast As I Can

Aubrey asks the guys if they’re happy with her and Teresa and like having them, and you can tell Arsenio is biting his tongue so hard he may draw blood. Clay just laughs at the whole thing.

Night falls, and Lisa tells Lou and Dee that having Dayana in a bikini may be a big mistake. Dammit, Lisa, shut up! I’ve waited seven weeks for this moment, don’t steal it from me! She suggests an elegant one-piece, but Dayana says she doesn’t have a one-piece and all she wears are thongs. I get the feeling that line right there is all the explanation you need as to why she’s still on this show. Lisa suggests a sporting goods store, so Dayana calls one, and she and Lou head out.

It seems to be Lisa’s excuse to get rid of them, as she tells Dee that each of them has two brain cells fighting with each other and she’s depressed about how today went because Dayana didn’t come up with one damn thing. Dee says he is shocked that Lisa Lampinelli is suddenly talking to him about feelings. She gives Dee crap about actually saying nice things about Dayana—the nerve, right?—and Dee interviews he had no problem working with Dayana and he doesn’t think she’s vacuous or dumb and found her to be bright and mature. He tries to tell Lisa he didn’t see Dayana as being stupid, but Lisa refuses to accept it, and says Lisa’s view on Dayana is terribly unfair. She does come across as petty, like it’s impossible for anyone to feel differently than her about Dayana.

Dee explains rationally that he’s learned in recent years to pull back and be les vicious; Lisa of course takes this the wrong way and tells us he’s so far up Dayana’s [bleep], and compares him to watching a two year old getting potty-trained, and he has to pretend every dump is beautiful. Okay—eww. She again says she’s in hell because no one will talk about it. Did it ever occur to you that maybe—just maybe—someone doesn’t hate her guts nearly as much as you do?

Morning has broken, and we’re shown a WALK sign for about the hundredth time, just in case the idea of the episode has still escaped someone. Forte is preparing for their presentation by hanging signage, and Dee interviews that Penn is a team player because he left to do a show but flew back in the middle of the night, and is on only one hour’s sleep but is ready to do the performance.

The audience enters, as does Allison Sweeney (host of The Biggest Loser, another contrived and terribly manipulated reality show, right here on NBC! But, uh, it’s all about being healthy, is what it is…honest), who gets applause, and the Walgreens execs. Dee introduces Lou, who starts in on his experience learning to walk again, and the sappy music cue tells us we’re supposed to be deeply touched by this. (One woman in the crowd looks like she’s about to cry, too.) Lisa admits Lou’s monologue went over well, and she’s proud of him because he “stuck to the damn script!” You know, I think Lisa has gotten more interview time this week than every other contestant combined—I wonder if that’s a sign?

Anyway, Penn and Lou banter to start into their “things you can do while walking” stuff. Lou tells Penn you can juggle while walking, and Penn is after my own heart as he picks up some oranges and asks, “Can I borrow these that happen to be here by a strange and somewhat contrived coincidence?” Team Penn! Dayana comes on in her Miss Universe sash and a swimsuit (not a thong—dammit, Lisa!) and Mark seems to think Allison can’t read, because he leans over and says, “Miss Universe,” and Allison nods, like, “Yeah, thanks for coming out, skip.”

So Dayana walks, and Penn plugs the website but accidentally calls it “Walk with Wal Mart.” Oops! Watching Allison react is hilarious—she looks like she’s just been kicked in the stomach. Penn realizes his mistake, but Dee says it was the equivalent of calling a woman another name when you’re in bed with her. But Dayana comes to the rescue, asking, “Should I give him my crown?” This gets a huge laugh, although I confess I don’t get it. Dee is impressed, though.

Penn brings a guy on stage to demonstrate dating and flirting while walking, but that’s when Lisa comes on and acts abrasive as she struts off the stage with the poor guy. In the end, Lou feels confident he pulled it off, he got the team to give 110 percent (and that’s a shot for those of you playing the 110 percent drinking game—cheers!) and the rest remains to be seen.

Allison asks the execs about the “-ing” words behind the logo on the signage, and says the ones that stand out to her are “itching” and “yelling” and “scratching.” Oh, come on—they totally planned this. Joe says the packaging was clearly not their best work. Allison of course pounces on the name of a competitor being dropped, and Mark says Penn messed up on that one, but overall it was fun and inspired people. This gets them off on Lou’s speech at the beginning, and Joe says that as a leader Lou did a great job, as he set it up well and closed it well, and they all rallied around it in a personal way.

It’s Forte’s turn, and Arsenio is pumped. They hand out T-shirts to the audience, and Aubrey hands the judges the prototype of their box. She interviews that the concept is “Face Reality,” and the idea is to show the faces of all the reality stars on the team.

So Clay introduces Arsenio, and the audience shows their age by doing Arsenio’s patented fist pump and “Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!” thing (or they were prompted, one or the other.) So they do their game show idea, and Paul is the first contestant—he gets a True or False question about how many calories walking can burn, and he answers with a motivational speech of his own. He says he believes in the benefits of walking and is a living testimony, so it was easy for him.

Aubrey is next and she interviews how important it was to interact with the audience and make them feel included. She answers a similar question and it goes over well, and then it’s Teresa’s turn, and she answers a question about child obesity. The whole thing goes over well, but I notice they didn’t include a plug for the website, so that might hurt them. Arsenio interviews he succeeded at the hardest job—putting up with a lot of BS from Aubrey. He says if it doesn’t go down in the Boardroom honestly, he’s going to be like a caged animal in a corner fighting for a check for his charity.