Dancing With the Stars 14, April 3: Seal of Disapproval

It’s another edition of “Tell a Tearjerking Personal Story Through Dance Week” on Dancing With the Stars, and much like we saw in Week 1, pretty much everyone delivered. It’s going to be really tough to find someone to vote out – I was all ready for Gavin to go next, and even he won me over. So exactly who will draw the short straw, thanks to a combination of judges’ scores and viewer votes? Let’s find out.

After Monday night’s performances, here’s how the leaderboard looks:

Yep, that’s a five-way tie at the bottom. What that means is, nobody sucked … but someone from the middle-class is about to get screwed.

Tom “The Quipmaster” Bergeron and Brooke “My Dress Looks Like the Symbiotic Fluid Organism That Became Venom From the Spider-Man Series” Burke-Charvet welcome us to this week’s elimination show and our first musical performer, the former Mr. Heidi Klum, Seal.

Seal is doing his version of the popular Bill Withers tune, as backed by an apparent gospel choir. Is it just me, or has Seal not aged in the last 20 years since he did “Crazy”? Also, how old do you feel knowing that Roshon was still able to wear a onesie when that song first came out? As seal sings, members of the show’s troupe dance for our viewing pleasure. I like Seal, but if I’m going to listen to this song, I think I’d rather just hear the Withers version actually.

Tom points out that the average score of this week is 25.5, which is unprecedented for Week 3. I tell ya – the man quips, he segues, he even does math. What can’t Tom Bergeron accomplish? Let’s cut to head judge Len Goodman, who declares Monday “unbelievable” and wishes that the producers would roll over this week’s elimination until next time, because no one deserves to go. And he’s right. Other reality shows have done this … but it won’t happen here, especially not with the “America votes” factor in play. And Tom says as much. “Sorry. Buzzkill.” Heh.

Backstage clips first, then some results! Roshon looks like someone in that fro wig. I can’t quite place my finger on who it is – and no, not one of the Jacksons – but he does manage to effectively capture the spirit of Michael Jackson’s best era, in my opinion. An excited Roshon shows us some more “Black or White”-era moves back in the confessional booth while Chelsie clearly fears for her safety with all the kicking and swinging-of-arms.

Maria tells us her family’s in the audience and it will be a “sexy samba.” Well, I hope she told her dad to cover his eyes, because daughter dearest wasn’t kidding about the “sexy” part. “I wish I had blindfolds for them,” she says, followed by the Woody Woodpecker/Spongebob Squarepants laugh.

While heading out onto the floor, she asks Derek if it’s a “bad time to pee.” Well, yes, being as doing so at this point would get the floor all wet, causing a risk of injury during the performance. However, Derek has to pee too, so it’s “the best time,” apparently. Jaleel predicts scores of 10 for the “dope” routine; Maria just wants nachos and beer afterward. She and Derek pretend to make out more back in the booth. “Did we or didn’t we?” she teases. “That is the question.”

Gavin dances to one of my all-time favorite Billy Joel tunes – and yes, I have a list of “all-time favorite Billy Joel tunes” – and Karina tells him as they go on that she loves dancing with him. Well, sure. Put him next to her former partner “The Situation” and Gavin is practically The Most Interesting Man In The World. Gavin getting all choked up gets me all choked up. Out of the spotlight backstage, Karina tells him the performance was “beautiful.”

Katherine wants to get over her nerves and emotions and go out and do her best. You remember back on Season 6 of American Idol, when Melinda Doolittle would always act all humble and unassuming and like she couldn’t believe she was still here, and then come out and completely slay everybody each and every week? Yeah, that’s Katherine. Listen to her talk, and you’d think she was struggling to stay in the competition, and not the most successful contestant ever this early in the season.

Katherine plugs her ears and refuses to watch or listen her emotional video clip before her performance; Mark rambles a pep talk as Katherine bobs back and forth. She then makes like an athlete, shakes off the jitters, and goes out and hauls in a touchdown, so to speak (not to borrow Donald Driver-appropriate metaphors, but …). Peta is wiping her eyes up on the celebalcony. Katherine breaks down and lets herself cry as soon as the dance ends. Katherine gets two 10 scores, and those tears turn to screams. She tells us in confessional that it’s “amazing” to have the chance to dance for her father, who would never believe “in a million years” that Katherine was here doing this, right now. Awww … I’m emotional tonight too.

So which of these fine folks is safe? Katherine & Mark, that’s who.

How about Maria & Derek? Yep, they’re safe too.

Gavin & Karina? They’re in jeopardy. Gavin chuckles and does a mock-fist pump. At least he can laugh about it.

Roshon & Chelsie? Safe! Like they should have been last week too.

Tom points out Body of Proof stars Jeri Ryan and Dana Delaney in the audience. I always like to point out that Ryan is from Kentucky, since that’s my home state, and I’d also like to point out that Dana sort of looks like Debra Messing’s character from Smash tonight. But you probably don’t care, do you? Moving on…