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Love Cruise: High Expectations, Low Characters
by Susan Schechter
-- 07/10/2002
I had high expectations for this show, but so far they haven’t materialized. For one thing, I at least thought some of the players would be likeable. I was wrong.
“Love, exciting and new. Come on board, we’re expecting you…”
Whoops wrong show. Perhaps I have the two confused because I just saw Julie McCoy, the cruise director, on The Weakest Link. But as this Generation X’er waxes nostalgic on the merits of the Pacific Princess and Captain Steubing, Gopher, and Isaac the Bartender, I can tell you the difference between the two shows. In a nutshell, the guests on The Love Boat were likable. As for 15 out of the 16 guests on the Love Cruise, I would shed no tears if a great white shark decided to have lunch, or this boat went the way of the Titanic. These guests, like those on the 80’s television show, are photogenic. But they are not nice people. And because they are all nasty, it’s hard to like them, and thus it’s hard to like this show.
The premise of Love Cruise is you put 16 people – 8 men and 8 women – on the SS Mandelay. It’s a beautiful ship. It’s the perfect size for people who do not want to be on a huge cruise. The food looks great, and the cabins look very comfortable. Every other day, the girls get together to vote one of the men off, and the men do the same for the women.
I won’t get into the plots; Stacey did a great job going over those in her articles. The characters all seem to be cookie cutter stereotypes, not real people. Perhaps Fox decided to screen these contestants so thoroughly as not to avoid any trouble like they have had on previous reality shows and left us with some very boring photogenic people. How boring are they? Lets just say on the first two episodes had a major theme running through them: breast implants. Yes. Breast Implants. One of the blondes, Toni, has them and is quite proud of them. But frankly, that’s more information than we need to know. Those two bad boys have become the topic of most of the conversations on this cruise. Even if Fox never mentioned she had implants, it was obvious when they had a shot of her lying down. For those who may not be blessed with knowing the difference, let me tell you in one short sentence: Lying down they look the same as standing up. If you need any more clarification, I would tell you to check out the Manly Man’s article on Amber from Survivor 2, or ask your favorite surgeon in Beverly Hills.
In episode 1 this seems to be a theme. It was the flat chested girls vs. the gals with one. Sounds like Jr. High doesn’t it? Yes, first the contestants on Big Brother 2 reminded us of High School, now this show and its fond memories of Jr. High School. I am waiting for one of them to pull out the copy of National Geographic as they put the Kleenex in there to get the affect right. The men are also like Jr. High School boys; all that’s missing on this crew is for one of them to drop the pencil on the floor to see if patent leather shoes really shine up. Oh well, at least these folks don’t need Clearasil.
And just like Jr. High School, you have the people no one else wants to dance with. On the first episode the women picked the men, and Lisa was left alone until she realized no one had even thought of asking Michael, and paired off with him. All that’s missing from her tirade is Janis Ian’s “At Seventeen”. Remember the words? “I learned the truth at Seventeen/ That Love was meant for Beauty Queens.” In this case Lisa, who should get an Emmy for most insecure person on Evening Television, is a Beauty Queen. Only she is so insecure she does not realize she is the prettiest gal on the ship! Lisa! Listen! You have a figure most women would sell their boyfriends/husbands for! It’s just that brain… ugh… how many times do you want to be around someone so emotionally needy? Hon, you may be beautiful buts it’s only skin deep, and by the end of the second episode I was miffed because you were still on the boat! While half the people I know are at this moment hoping Barry Bonds beats McGuire’s record, I am hoping that in the next episode your size-two derriere will be out of there.
The editing is not very tight, at least by comparison to the shows on CBS. For example, in episode 2 we learn that the men don’t like Andrea. Who is Andrea? She has been on the screen a whole two minutes in two shows.
These people, as I stated before, are caricatures of real people. Totally two-dimensional. They all seem alike. I think one of the guys is from NYC because he has a FDNY baseball cap on and a NY accent. One of the guys has tattoos all over his arms. There are several blondes. No redheads. There is a guy who looks like Kenny G’s younger brother. There are the men who I think might hate women, and the women who might be nymphomaniacs.
The cruise director might as well be invisible. And whatever chemistry there is between the couples, it’s forced. I really thought by episode 2 there would be some serious snogging going on, if not shagging. So far, not even one good kiss. The couple that seemed so perfect in the first episode, Laura and Anthony, had “broken up” by the second. Not only that, he betrayed her. Now, correct me if I am wrong, but can you see Romeo betraying Juliet, Tristan betraying Isolde, or Paulo betraying Francesca? Nah, he betrayed her like Winston Smith betrayed Julia in 1984! Heavens! I thought the idea of this ship was to fall in love and live happily ever after! Or am I once again confusing it with the Aaron Spelling boat? At least it was touching the way Tony (the male Tony – without the implants) exiled himself to be with his lady love Laura when she got booted off. That made my romantic heart flutter.
I really had high expectations for this show, especially now when I want to forget about my troubles when I watch TV. But other than the gorgeous boat and the sunsets, this show has left me feeling empty. It’s like eating a whole bowl of popcorn: yes it might fill your stomach, but in the end it’s all air.
But I will continue to watch. I mean, it can’t get worse, can it? And who knows, perhaps, as more people are eliminated, the characters might actually get to be people I will actually care about!
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