The Celebrity Apprentice 5, Episode 8: Mister Teutul’s Neighborhood

Last week on NBC’s Calculated Attempt to Break My Will: A three-hour instrument of torture – I mean, episode – saw our teams create and sell New York City guidebooks in a fundraising challenge, and the men surged ahead by only 14 dollars. Teresa didn’t bring Aubrey back, but she should have, so instead Debbie was fired. Then, since the women were doing so terrible, Trump switched up the teams for the Walk with Wal Mart Walgreens challenge. Arsenio and Aubrey butted heads, and so did Lisa and Dayana… again. In the Boardroom, Arsenio exploded on Aubrey and called her out on her selfishness. Despite the feud, Arsenio still won 50 grand for his charity, but Aubrey managed to swing the spotlight back onto her as she boarded the elevator for Parts Unknown. Lou gave 110 percent, as always, but Dee was fired.

I admit, I was suckered into thinking Aubrey was gone for good, as were most people. But will she return? Actually Trump himself kinda gave it away in a conference call alongside Dee and Debbie last week, when he said: "Well I can only say this: stay tuned, because what you saw the other night is nothing compared to what happens between [Aubrey and Arsenio] and a couple of others." He is many things, that Trump, but a master of subtlety is not one of them.

Unanimous is also convinced the Red Menace will return, as Arsenio tells Teresa she’s the only person who can lead Aubrey, and says they’ll be behind her because she won’t be behind them.

In walk Lisa and Penn, and Lisa is concerned about Aubrey’s whereabouts (I think she’s literally the only one). Lisa is pissed as she tells Teresa there are “bitch-ass mother [bleep] on your team who cannot handle that people are smarter than they are.” Well, she’s taking this better than I thought. Naturally she wouldn’t blame Aubrey for quitting, since she can’t imagine having two guys ganging up on her. If anyone knows about ganging up on someone in the Boardroom, it’s Lisa.

Penn congratulates Arsenio, who tells him about his cousin and says winning was serious to him and he hated Aubrey talking about herself and what she did. He starts in on her again, actually calling Aubrey “bitch” and “whore,” which is going further than I had expected from him. Lisa, who has used both terms very liberally in the past, takes offense, and a shouting match erupts between her and Arsenio. Arsenio says Lisa telling him what words he shouldn’t use when he’s angry is the pot calling the kettle black, which it totally is.

Lisa blows up some more, saying she’s not defending Aubrey, but calling a woman a “bitch” and “whore” is wrong (even though she called her teammates “numbnuts bitches” last week, but she’s on a roll here so no one interrupt her) and she tells Arsenio he’s ruining his image and career and every woman in America is going to hate him. I’m guessing some might actually agree with him, honestly. Paul says he’s put on his seatbelt and is holding on.

In walks Dayana and Lou, which stuns Lisa enough that she lets one more bleeped-out word slip. Lou is at a loss for words – but Lisa isn’t! She interviews that the two of them have five brain cells between them, and then starts railing on Lou, apparently blaming him for Dee’s firing and calling both Lou and Dayana useless. So this is okay, apparently, but Arsenio ripping on Aubrey is not. She really needs to make a chart for all of us to follow.

Lou is upset enough to curse, as he says he’s not going to let Lisa get away with her bull[bleep]. Lisa complains about having two brain-deads on her team, and tells Penn to get a lot of sleep because from now on he’ll be doing fifty percent of the work with her, then storms out.

Ugh, I’m so sick of her. I was pulling for her at first, because she was frank and to the point and entertaining to watch. But now she’s just coming across as petty and spiteful, and you get the feeling Dayana could have the best idea ever and Lisa still wouldn’t go for it, just based on principle. And the way producers love drama on these shows, I get the feeling she’s not even close to going home yet, too.

Sorry, rant over. And, cue the O’Jays!

Arsenio hits Skype to call up my all-time favorite NBA star, Magic Johnson. He talks a bit about the Magic Johnson Foundation before breaking the good news to Magic and showing him the two checks. He admits he handled the situation with Aubrey badly, but he’s putting it behind him and focusing on his charity. I’m betting the producers have a different idea…

The teams assemble, and guess who’s back with them? Aubrey interviews that she got bullied, but she’s back for her charity because she has to fight against bullies. But again – when she does it, or when Lisa does it, then it’s totally not bullying at all. Just so we’re clear.

Trump wisely doesn’t give her any more attention that she warrants, instead getting confirmation from Lou that he did the right thing. On to the task: Create a 60-second commercial for entertainment.com, including the savings membership and mobile app (all of which you can find out about right here if you’re interested).

Project Managers? Dayana steps up without hesitation for Forte, and I bet you can guess who has a problem with that. Lisa calls her “Evita” (that wasn’t Venezuela, as far as I remember) and insists she’ll lose the task for them “’cause you got no fricking idea in your head.” Of course, last week it was Dayana’s idea to have everyone walk onstage, which led to Penn’s “things to do while walking” concept, and it was also Dayana’s quick thinking that saved them after Penn’s little misstep. But I’m sure those don’t count.

Unanimous huddles up, and Teresa takes on PM duties, because last time she did her team lost. She reminds us that Arsenio and Aubrey are like a ticking time bomb, ready to go off. Well, duh – why do you think most people are watching this week? So the winning PM will get a total of 60 thousand dollars, and we’re off.

And we’re not wasting any time before we get to out Arsenio/Aubrey showdown. Aubrey tells him she didn’t want to come back because of what he said about her and how hurt she was. Surprisingly, he actually apologizes, saying he was angry and he offers to tell her later what was going on inside of him. He interviews that he’s glad she talked to him instead of shutting down. Good for him, although I’d love some indication that she realizes how selfish and catty she seemed this entire season. But no such luck.

Over at Forte, Dayana reveals that Penn has another show to go to so it will be the three of them until the presentation the next day. Lisa is pissed because Dayana and Lou have not a brain cell between them and bring nothing to the table creatively. Okay, they’re dumb, we get it – enough already!

Dayana interviews how she can’t wait to step up, and references Lisa by saying, “You are beep useless. You are beep, beep, beep.” Yes, she actually says the word “beep.” She says Lisa will have to respect what she says and work with her whether she agrees or not. She wants to reach people’s hearts and has some idea about a guy proposing marriage at a restaurant but doesn’t have his coupons with him, or something. Lisa isn’t shown complaining about it for a change, so maybe it’s actually a good idea.

Back to the brainstorming at Unanimous. Aubrey interviews that even though Arsenio apologized, she still doesn’t like him and might never like him again, but she has to bite her tongue and be a team player (hey, why start now?). Arsenio has the main idea of Paul playing a grandfather clipping coupons who is shown the modern way, and Teresa likes it. Arsenio says they had the opportunity to hire actors, but Paul is perfect and has a reputation for being cranky, and his favorite two words are “[Bleep] you.” My two favorite words are “Free beer.” Or “Free pizza.” Or “Free chicken wings”… no wait, that’s three words.

The team discusses ways to make Paul look more “dowdy.” Clay jokes about shaving the mustache, which of course won’t happen, but they say he does have to wear sleeves and lose the earring. Paul has no problem with that. Okay then.

Forte is in their van, and they come up with the concept of a love story facilitated by entertainment.com, from first date to proposal to honeymoon, and ending with procreating. They’ve even got their actors chosen, but Lou interviews he could play the male part because he’s an actor and can play any type. I’m no casting director, but if I’m casting a young couple falling in love, my mind would not go straight to “that Incredible Hulk guy.” Dayana suggests Lou design the banners, which he agrees to. But bitter Lou interviews that they’re all full of [bleep].

Unanimous arrives at their workspace, and Paul interviews that he’s in the dark because it’s not his forte. Basically Paul is listening outside his daughter’s door and thinks she’s about to have sex, but he busts in and they’re just using entertainment.com. It makes more sense than I’m letting on, trust me. It’s got some good double entendres going on, like, “Aren’t you glad we aren’t doing it like your parents did?” and, “Here, take it in your hand.” Teresa is glad it’s fun, but thinks it’s getting really dirty, and Paul agrees. Arsenio assures her they can tone it down if need be in editing. Teresa accidentally says it has to be “60 minutes” instead of seconds. Hey, without the arguing, they have to fill time however they can.