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Love Cruise, Episode 4: Water-Logged Love Triangle
by Stacey Allison
-- 07/10/2002
The theme for episode 4 was rivalry. Of course, that is pretty much the theme for the whole show – indeed, all reality TV shows. But who does this episode’s rivalry involve? And how does it all play out? More importantly, who wins the mud wrestling? That’s what really matters.
Ah, another day, another episode of Love Cruise. This time I viewed it on tape at lunch with a few co-workers who’d never seen it before. They’ve provided me with incisive and invaluable commentary.
The theme today is rivalry, and we’re even treated to a dictionary definition, just in case we’re unclear on the concept. (This from the people who misspelled the word “seat” on their voting booth sign.) The booming announcer also lets us know that “someone pays for their innocence.” Co-worker #1 scoffs: “Yeah, like any of them have any innocence left.”
Previously: Basically, everyone screwed each other over in melodramatic fashion.
There are 10 singles remaining. Michael prattles on privately about being the “chess master” and says he is flying under the radar, yet is really in control. Let me just say that the phrase “flying under the radar” is only slightly less irritating that the extended dance mix of “I didn’t come here to make friends” that we hear every year on Survivor.
Michael makes like Hugh Hefner and lounges around in silk pajamas. He discusses Lisa with Anthony, setting up the “love” triangle for this episode. Anthony and Michael whisper about not wanting to step on each other’s toes, etc. Co-worker #2 looks up from her chicken tettrazini and says: “I thought this show was supposed to be 16 really good looking people. What happened here?”
Later that night on deck, Michael asks Lisa if he can kiss her. She tells us privately that she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so she did. Then, she returned to her cabin with Anthony and kissed him. We see none of the kissing. Is Fox suddenly trying to play coy? Isn’t that the point of this whole debacle?
The next morning, Lisa tells Anthony that she kissed Michael, and why. Anthony is irritated, and tells us that he doesn’t like dishonest people. Perhaps the producers could slide that dictionary back over to Anthony, because Lisa is being honest. He just doesn’t want to hear it.
Re-Coupling Ceremony. The men are choosing this time, and you know the drill. Melissa and Michael stay together, as do Lisa and Anthony. Tomiko and Adrian decide to mix things up and get new partners.
Time for another round of the Hot Seat. Melissa is asked whose sense of humor she’s most attracted to, and she says Michael and explains why. Strangely she is given the BS paddles and must perform a dare. Co-worker #3: “But that’s a subjective question. It’s like asking what someone’s favorite color is and then telling them they’re wrong.” Indeed.
Melissa has to take a sexy Polaroid picture, and Ralph helpfully suggests taking her shirt off and covering her breasts with her arms. She finds some cover and returns so Ralph can take the picture. The nanosecond after he clicks the shutter, she bolts back to put her shirt on.
Darin (quite a non-entity at this point) is asked about whom he’s attracted to, and he waxes poetic about Melissa. Tomiko is up next, and is asked a question that we know was given by Anthony. It concerns the fact that even though Tomiko allegedly thinks Anthony is “hot as hell,” she still hasn’t made a move on him. Inflated ego, table for one. Tomiko gamely says that she does think he’s hot, but that she won’t be the pursuer. She fails to say that he’s also a huge tool.
Anthony tells us that he came here to find a girl who doesn’t play games, and are just “themselfes” (sic). Co-worker #1: “Isn’t this a game show? What a dumbass.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.
We learn that four of the contestants – Michael, Melissa, Ralph and Toni – are from Chicago, and might be forming some kind of alliance.
Anthony pulls out Adrian’s violin from a few days ago and tells some of the ladies that he was almost homeless before he got on the show, and that he would have been living out of his truck. This is code for “I deserve to win.” Hmm, those screenplays not selling like hotcakes? What a head-scratcher.
Off to the next couples competition, the “Beach Brawl.” It’s basically mud wrestling, but with the girls on the guys’ shoulders. They stand in a pit of hip-level water, to break contestants’ falls if they are successfully pushed down.
The girls claw at each other in their attempt to be the last couple standing. Two couples remain, and the men are blindfolded with product-placed 1-800-Collect bandannas. Co-worker #3: “I’m not sure what the company’s trying to say, but whatever.” Tomiko is no challenge for Amazonian Toni, and Toni and Adrian are victorious. Toni wins the coveted Switch Card, much to pal Andrea’s relief.
At dinner that night, Toni makes it clear that she’ll use the card to save Andrea, but tearfully tells everyone: “I love you guys so much.” She forgets to mention that they’ll be BFF (Best Friends Forever). It’s been just over a week since they met. Everyone toasts to it just being a game, and later a few people scoff at Toni’s sentimentality.
Later in a cabin, Michael tries to get Lisa to agree to vote Anthony off, saying that he’s a threat because he’s “so smart.” (Can we get that dictionary down here?) Lisa refuses, then goes to tearfully talk to Anthony. Lisa pretty much turns it into a big, weepy melodrama.
She speaks to Anthony in their cabin, but my cohorts and I are distracted by the contents of a big ziploc bag sitting beside Anthony on the bed. After much debate and rewinding, it’s ascertained that the object in question is a bottle of some sort of hair care product, not a sexual aide, as first suspected. Carry on then, Anthony and Lisa.
On deck, the other contestants cheerfully dis Lisa and her drama queen histrionics, Melissa hitting the nail on the head with her assertion that Lisa’s insecurity is a big ploy.
Michael and Ralph lounge in a cabin. Co-worker #2: “Hey, they make a cute couple!” And they actually do, they match in a shlumpy kind of way. Alas, Michael and Ralph are just talking strategy. Melissa joins them and they have an orgy. Kidding.
Later, Lisa comes by to balefully tell them that she doesn’t want people to think she’s playing games, and that she isn’t smart enough to do that. Ralph becomes my new favorite by cutting her off and coming right out and saying he doesn’t believe her. The look on Lisa’s face is priceless. He basically tells her that he knows she’s smart and to cram it. In nicer terms, but that’s the message. Lisa looks down and sniffles, and Ralph, speaking for us all, turns to the camera and gives an exasperated eye roll.
Gender Jury time. Anthony wants to stick to his promise not to vote for Lisa, but he caves under pressure from the other guys. His vote wouldn’t have mattered, so I don’t know what the big deal is.
Over on the ladies’ side, Lisa tries to drum up anti-Ralph sentiment, miffed that he called her on her passive-aggressive crap. Although she doesn’t quite put it that way.
In the end, Adrian is voted off by the women (although they “love this person a lot”). Ralph speaks for the men, and says “Obviously I had second thoughts on everything, of course.” He then looks at Lisa. “Anyway, it’s you.” Ralph is hilarious.
Toni cries throughout the proceedings, because she just loves everyone so darn much. Despite this, she doesn’t save partner Adrian, and rips up the Switch Card. Good on her, I say. (I still haven’t forgiven Adrian for his sexist ways.) Michael says privately that Toni only won the card because Adrian “carried her on his shoulders for 20 minutes” and that she should have saved him. I’ll accept that it would have been in good form for Toni to save him out of courtesy, since he was her partner. But Toni won that competition herself, by being by far the strongest woman.
Before she and Adrian head off to join the goats on horrible Aruba, Lisa says she just tried to be “real” on the boat. Co-worker#3: “If she uses that word one more time….” Lisa and Michael hug and make up. Although Michael has told us that he only kissed her to try and get her to vote his way, and that he really doesn’t care. Hooray for someone who isn’t looking to find true love whilst playing this ridiculous game.
Next time: Toni’s head looks about ready to explode, and Michael’s “hurt people, maliciously!” Finally, the most over-played clip from the promos will grace our screens.
Stacey Allison is an advertising copywriter living in Toronto.
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