The Voice 2, April 10: I Don’t Wanna Cry

Tony tries to climb out of the hole Cee Lo dug for him by giving a stripped down, yet personally stylized version of this Eurythmics standard. It’s not quite Annie Lennox, and it’s not quite Marilyn Manson, but there are elements of each singer’s unique style, with a little bit of Tony Vincent flair thrown in for good measure. Without the idiotic staging and backup dancers, Tony’s able to give the performance he knows he’s capable of, and he even has a better stage presence just by simply tilting his head in between lines. I hope it’s enough to save him.

Cheesy, er, I mean, Cheesa, annoyed me last night. She apparently tried to “modernize” an old disco song, but guess what, it just sounded like disco, and there’s a reason it died over 30 years ago. It’s just awful.

Her performance of this tired ballad for lonely people is completely trite, and it proves yet again that she’s a fraud in this competition. Seriously, Angie Johnson has to be screaming at the TV right now. That woman got hosed more than a five-alarm blaze.

The song is all wrong for her, mostly because she’s too young to have a believable connection to the lyrics. This is a song about rejection, loss, and solitude; about pining for days when “making love was just for fun.” A 21-year-old does not have enough life experience to make this sound like anything more than pandering to the audience and an excuse for power notes. Other singers have been given similar criticisms when performing this song on other reality shows.

Speaking of power notes, she hits two right at the end, the only times she’s audible the entire way. Sadly, the fact that she sustains those notes for close to 15 seconds each will likely be enough to put her through. Meh, she’ll either go tonight or go in the next round when Juliet and Jamar wipe the floor with her.

This is just horrendous. This has got to be the biggest embarrassment for Elton John since he shot that awful commercial with Melanie Amaro. There are no notes. She isn’t singing anything. If this were my song, I wouldn’t tell anybody. Yes, Erin, I do mind. At least she dressed like a human this time.

Seriously, I can’t even force myself to listen to this anymore. As I hit the mute button on my TV, I offer this to the readers as a means to distract yourselves. Here are “The Top Five Things Erin Martin Sounds Like This Week, Because It Sure As Hell Ain’t Singing.”

5. A cat choking on a mouse as it tries to escape the esophagus
4. Survivor: One World’s Colton Cumbie being choked… and not in the fun way
3. An eight-year-old kid trying to talk to someone through the blades of a spinning fan
2. Alvin and the Chipmunks being electrocuted
1. The squeal of all your lemmings self-destructing in the classic computer game

Is she done yet? Okay. God that was painful.

Now that all of our ears have been violated to the point that Erin should have to register as a sense offender, Tony comes back on stage with Cheesy, er, I mean Cheesa, so they can learn which one of them has the indignity of being lumped in with Erin on the elimination block. And if Cee Lo somehow advances Erin, I quit. Not just recapping, mind you, but the entire show. If Erin Martin is allowed to sing even one more time, it would destroy any and all credibility this show has.

The other coaches are polled before Cee Lo makes his decision. To a man (or woman in Christina’s case), they all pick Cheesy, er, I mean Cheesa. Adam really hammers the point home, saying that all of them (he has to include Erin for the sake of diplomacy) gave the performances of their lives tonight, but they should have been doing that the entire season. He adds that every singer left in the competition needs to treat every song as if it’s their last and sing with the intensity and urgency these guys did tonight. That’s the mentality that they all need to have if they want to win.

When it comes time for Cee Lo’s decision, he is torn. Despite everyone picking Cheesy, er, I mean Cheesa, he says that his head is telling him to pick Tony. Listen to your head, Cee Lo! You made a point yesterday of saying that the Twitterverse (I’m sickened that this word has entered our cultural lexicon) was abuzz, saying you made the wrong call to advance Cheesy, er, I mean Cheesa and Erin. After giving them the chance to prove us wrong, they both ended up in the bottom three. Cut your losses and give Tony the chance to support his family.

Unfortunately, Cee Lo doesn’t hear me. While he says his head is telling him to pick Tony, his heart tells him to pick Cheesy, er, I mean Cheesa. Tony and Erin are eliminated, to which I offer an impassioned, “Boo!” and a loud, “About damn time!” Congratulations, Cheesa. Since you have no chance of winning, your prize is that I will no longer make the joke on your name that I’ve made a half dozen times in this recap alone.

Cheesa goes off to celebrate while Cee Lo offers some parting words to Tony and Erin. Due to time constraints, we don’t get to hear what those words are, nor do we get any last words from the singers themselves.

That’ll do it for this week. Next week is the quarterfinals. Barbara will be back to tell you all you need to know on performance night, and I’ll be back to remove more singers from our collective consciousness (and take a few cheap shots in the process).

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Bill Hammon has performed on stage in one form or another since the age of six. When he played a dog who could sniff out poor grammar, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. You can reach him at loismustdie1982@yahoo.com or follow him at twitter.com/WilliamJHammon. You can also subscribe to his podcast on iTunes or at realityrant.podomatic.com.

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