The Celebrity Apprentice 5, Episode 9: A Smile On My Face and a Hand Up My Tuchus

Lisa decides she and Clay will be the puppets, and says Dayana wants to be part of the performance, but it’s not a risk Lisa is willing to take because Dayana is not a comedian and is not easily understood. Lisa picks up a puppet and Clay suggests she try her Spanish chick character, which involves saying, “Ay papi! Ay chihuahua!” in a bad accent. Of course Dayana is offended, as she calls it disrespectful and unprofessional, even though it was Clay who suggested it and Lisa even said it’s not how Latin people really talk.

Anyway, Dayana points out she hasn’t been given any task yet, and to her credit she speaks up about it. Clay mentions puppet design, and Dayana says she wants to participate, but Lisa points out, as they learned in week one, that participating is not always about being onstage (for once I totally agree with her on this one).

Dayana claims Lisa isn’t giving her anything to do so they can go back to the Boardroom and she can call Dayana useless and cry about how she does everything – and Dayana pulls out her impression of Lisa crying and moaning about it. Remember last week, when these two were actually getting along? That seems like a thousand years ago now, doesn’t it?

Unanimous heads to their workshop and meets their puppet builders. They get to work designing their two puppets – a rod puppet and a large furry hand puppet – and Aubrey has an idea for a Mohawk for one of them, which Arsenio likes. Aubrey says it’s not surprising the Mohawk idea inspired him, since he’s bald. So now she’s got a thing against bald guys too? Where does it stop with this chick?

Teresa says something about having a puppet you love being important, so this puppet is a reflection of her. What the hell is she going on about? Teresa suggests boobs and a low-cut dress, and Arsenio says, “Everything’s better with boobs,” which is pretty much my motto.

Back to Unanimous, where Dayana is making the rod puppet with some help from Lisa, and Penn is making the full hand puppet, with some help from Clay. Lisa is off to work with Clay and the instructors, and gives Dayana the task of making the female puppet “expressive and gorgeous,” which she suggests is mostly just busy work. Also, she adds a bleeped-out word, which she has to work into every sentence for some reason. To paraphrase Lisa herself last week: Dude, we get it, you’re a potty mouth. What else ya got?

Over at Unanimous, we’re actually treated to a scene in which the team tries to figure out names for their puppets. It’s even more boring than it sounds. Arsenio is calling the rod puppet Perry Winkle, after its color, while Teresa is stumped on a name for hers. She comes up with names of singers, for some reason – like Beyonce and Rihanna – while Paul wants to shake her and say, “Okay, it’s just a puppet, give it a name.” I disagree, Paul – Kermit would never have become so popular if his name was something like Glen.

Arsenio comes up with “Fabalina” as a placeholder name (yuck) and Teresa loves it, and works in a plug for her third cookbook, Fabulicious!: Fast & Fit, which comes out in May. Actually that is one of the less blatant product-placement plugs this show has ever done.

Teresa gets down to dressing her puppet, while Aubrey takes some time to (what else?) insult her teammates. She interviews that Teresa is drawn to everything tacky on the table, and that Paul is the PM but he has an extra lazy attitude toward the puppets. She figures the puppets are too specific and not versatile, but she’s nervous to voice any dissent because of the way she was attacked in the last Boardroom. I really think they’re making a bigger deal of this versatility thing than is necessary – in the “Stuffed and Unstrung” show that I saw, one scene had an orangutan as the father of both a human boy and a koala bear, so I don’t think being too specific is a huge deal for a show like this. But then, anything that creates drama, right producers?

Forte gets schooled on the ways of improvisation – “everyday life with fake circumstances,” as one of their instructors puts it – and the basics of puppeteering. Clay says it takes a lot of practice just getting the puppets to face toward the camera. He says Lisa has a lot of “piss and vinegar” in her, but he’s not worried about it being directed at him, and he thinks they’re working well together.

Back at Unanimous, Aubrey is still complaining, although she raises a good point this time. She says they’re still wasting time designing the puppets, which should be delegated to one person, when they should be learning with the professionals on how to manipulate and maneuver the puppets, as well as her figuring out how to host. She claims Paul listens to and respects Arsenio more, and the editing seems to bear that out. She complains that the PM is not stepping up and taking control of the team.

Forte meets with their instructors, who Aubrey claims have been sitting around waiting for them. Teresa says there’s a lot to learn, and she pretty much sucks at puppeteering. Arsenio admits this, but gives her a pass because she’ll try anything and give it a hundred percent (not 110, mind you, that was Lou’s department), and “she’s so damn cute. You know?” The instructor suggests she practice puppeteering by reciting nursery rhymes, but Teresa doesn’t seem to know any, including “Jack and Jill.”

Aubrey is learning the basics of hosting as she says overall performance, which is a third of what they’re being judged on, is on her shoulders. She basically says she’s awesome and everyone else sucks. She doesn’t use those words, but that’s the gist. [Editor’s Note: But isn’t that always the gist with her?!]

Back over at Unanimous, Dayana and Penn continue to build their puppets as the builders are very impressed (too much so, dare I say it) with Dayana. Penn says they told Dayana they would hire her, and he’s bitter because he’s gotten zero job offers (I’m pretty sure he is kidding). Penn says Lisa may call Dayana useless, but he doesn’t take what is said in the Boardroom as fact. I don’t take anything I hear on this show as fact, frankly, and most of it I don’t even take as reality-based. Lisa and Clay return and they’re impressed with Penn’s puppet, at least.

Eric arrives for his spy mission, and Lisa explains everyone’s job – or, as Dayana calls it, “blah blahblahblahblah, blah blahblah, blahblahblah.” Eric interviews that Dayana stood out because she was very quiet and focused on what she was doing, almost in an awkward kind of way. He keeps digging for dirt, though, as he asks Clay what he thinks of the new team. Clay says there’s not a weak spot on the team, so Eric asks Dayana if she feels the same way, and she says yes. Eric wonders if the tension between her and Lisa is manifesting itself and if Dayana is uncomfortable on the team. Golly, I sure hope we’ll find out in the Boardroom – the tension is killing me!

Meanwhile at Unanimous, Ivanka shows up, looking hot. Arsenio explains Paul’s back problem to her, and she interviews that she feels bad for Paul and he’s doing well under the circumstances. Paul talks about how creative Aubrey is, and Ivanka points out that Aubrey is now afraid to say anything, which the Red Menace more or less agrees with. Ivanka interviews that she hopes Aubrey can strike the right balance between helping the PM and being creative.

Forte arrives at their rehearsal space, and one of the instructors asks Dayana if she’s performing too, but Lisa says no. Clay interviews as PM he would have worked harder at finding something for her to do, but it’s tough understanding the dynamic of the group so far. Penn practices his hosting while Lisa and Clay handle the improvising, and Dayana sits and watches. Clay takes on a Southern accent, and Penn is impressed with Clay’s improvisational skills. Clay says they’ll have to think on their toes.