The Celebrity Apprentice 5, Episode 9: A Smile On My Face and a Hand Up My Tuchus

Yeah, I’d call this a clear win for Forte – theirs was the one I just wanted to watch all of, while the Unanimous show was painful at times. But, as always, I could be wrong.

So Eric asks Brian and Patrick for their impressions. Aubrey did a good job as host, and Arsenio’s performance was solid, while Teresa was breaking the rules of improv a lot. In comparison, Lisa’s improvisation was strong and Clay “attacked it,” which I guess is a good thing. One joke apparently went too far regarding sexual parts, though I don’t know which one he’s referring to. Penn was good at ending the scenes, but let one go on too long. And the winning team is… commercial!

And we’re off to the Boardroom of Doom. Trump knows exactly what everyone is waiting to see as he asks Dayana how she got along with Lisa. Dayana really doesn’t answer, but I think Trump knows as well as the rest of us. Was Lisa a good PM? Dayana just says she was okay, so we move on to Lisa, who of course will not be nearly as diplomatic. Lisa makes some weird comparison about how not liking your behind-the-scenes job devalues the crew of every movie and TV show ever made. Lisa, pay attention – Dayana didn’t hate her job because she didn’t have one! Do you even listen to anything she says anymore?

Dayana insists it wasn’t about her trying to be in the show. She says she’s always respected Lisa’s opinions, which Trump seems to doubt, but Dayana says Lisa was the Project Manager and she’ll do whatever is asked of her. Instead of letting her actually finish answering the damn question, Trump asks who the puppeteers were for some reason, and Dayana names Clay and Lisa. Lisa explains why the two of them were puppeteers, and Penn was the host because he’s a showman (“Too big to puppeteer,” Penn offers, and Trump agrees). Clay enjoyed puppeteering and says he and Lisa worked together really well.

Ivanka says Lisa seemed to make the right call of who to put on stage, and it doesn’t seem to be an odd choice for Dayana to be behind the scenes. (Again, not what she was complaining about at all! Doesanyone listen to what Dayana says anymore?) Dayana insists she never argued that, and her problem was with wanting to do a little more than sitting there and watching them rehearse.

Lisa says she used Dayana as much as possible, so Trump asks how Lisa could say she was bad if she wasn’t used. Lisa says she didn’t say Dayana was bad, and points out that she wasn’t asked yet how anyone did. (I gotta give her credit for that one.) She says something about some people having a more limited skill-set than others, and Trump asks about her accent hurting her, which Lisa says it did. Lisa goes on about how comedy is hard and it’s insulting to think anyone can step in and do it. Trump asks if you’re made a comedian or if you’re born a comedian, because hey, why not? Lisa says you’re born but it takes practice.

Trump goes back to Dayana and asks why she looks upset, and Dayana basically calls Lisa out on showing disrespect and aggression to her, which you should never do to any member of your team in any business or profession.

So if they lose, who is Lisa bringing back? (It seems to me like he only asks this of the team that won, or at least he asks them first, but I’m far too lazy to look it up, so again I could be wrong.) Lisa tears up again as she says she hasn’t decided if she’s bringing anybody back. Trump keeps on her and she says she got into this business to make people happy, not to make girls cry (and yet she seems to be so good at it!), so she may just bring herself back. Trump says he understands, and then Aubrey has to have some attention as she says, “You’re staying, Lisa.” So who asked you, Red?

Lisa babbles about being a comedian some more and how no one ever gets angry at what she says in her act. Trump tells her she’s going to go down as a much nicer and much different person than the world understands. Nicer? Really, Trump, what show are you watching here? Anyway, he thinks it’s nice that she shows emotion (tell that to Meat Loaf), which is his way of telling us that Lisa isn’t going anywhere this week.

Trump asks Penn if you need a tough side to be a comedian. Penn says you have to act tough, and that “bravery is not an absence of fear, bravery is action in the face of fear,” and that to be a tough comedian you have to keep going, but that doesn’t mean your heart doesn’t get broken constantly. I guess The Donald has nothing to add to that, because we’re moving on.

We hear from Paul, who says he doesn’t know a [bleep] thing about puppets, nor does he want to know. He says no one wanted to take the PM position, so he did, and he thinks they won and everyone did well. Trump asks the inevitable “who’s your weakest player?” question, and Paul mutters, “I hate this,” and Ivanka tells him it doesn’t get any easier. Paul finally names Teresa, because sometimes it takes her a while to make up her mind, like with the name of her puppet (which was such a huge issue that it never came up again, I must note). Teresa goes on about how names are important, and Ivanka mentions that Teresa’s daughter Milania was named after Trump’s wife, Melania. “So how can I possibly fire her?” Trump asks. Sadly, I can totally see this show being won because of something like that. I wish I couldn’t, I really do.

Ivanka mentions Paul’s back problem and says he “blew it out,” though that’s overstating it a bit since I’m pretty sure he’d be in the hospital if he blew out his back. Paul says he has a history of back problems, although he’s better today. As PM, Aubrey says Paul was limited by his injury, and Arsenio calls him a trooper who didn’t quit.

Eric relates Brian and Patrick’s notes on Forte’s performance, which we’ve already heard, although he adds that they loved the puppets Dayana made and they’d use them in their own show. As for Paul’s team, Ivanka goes over the positives and negatives, some of which we already heard earlier (that “versatility” thing is brought up again, which is bull – I mean, they had Johnny Appleseed played by an alien for pete’s sake!).

So the winning team is… Lisa’s team! Lisa tears up again, and Trump tells her she gets 20 grand for her charity, Gay Men’s Health Crisis. They’re dismissed, and Clay fist bumps Arsenio on the way out.

In the suite, Clay toasts the Gay Men’s Health Crisis and “gay men in general!” Lisa is excited she won, and Dayana is also happy they won, but she’s not going to let anyone throw her under the bus. What will it take for people to stop using that phrase already? Lisa can’t figure out how to turn on the TV since they’ve never won, so Clay shows her.

What we’re talking about now is the puppets were too complex. Arsenio admits his puppet was a rocker, and says he may have boxed himself in (again, I really don’t see how this is an issue at all), but he doesn’t believe he should be fired because he gave his all and he can’t see them doing as well without him. Teresa says they all made the puppets and Paul had the final call. Paul tries to defer blame somewhat by saying even though there was input from everybody, it boiled down to the performers playing their parts.

Trump asks whose fault it was that the puppets were too complex, and Paul says Teresa continued adding things to hers. Teresa claims Paul is the one who picked out the fabric, and Trump asks her if Paul should be fired; she says yes, because he didn’t do anything, and then she calls him out on saying he’s the one who doesn’t move quickly. Good point, really. She flat-out asks for Aubrey to back her up on this one, for some reason.