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Love Cruise, Episode 5: The Chess Master Needs a Few Pointers
by Stacey Allison
-- 07/10/2002
How committed is each person to the others? C’mon, this is a game, fercryingoutloud! Who cares? Still, that is the official theme for episode 5, though the real theme should be Michael’s machinations. How does he manage to get Jeanette (at right, right Mike) back from Loser Island?
The theme for tonight’s episode is “commitment.” Previously on Love Cruise: No one showed much commitment to anyone but themselves.
Onto Round 5, with 8 singles remaining. We are reminded of the so-called “Chicago 4” -- Melissa, Michael, Toni and Ralph -- who have aligned in an attempt to be the final 4 contestants.
Everyone is called up to the deck, and Justin greets them with the Probst-worthy comment: “Goodness gracious, look at all the sad faces!” Justin still hasn’t quite gotten Jeff’s self-importance down pat, but hey, he’s a work in progress.
So, it’s time for Re-Coupling, with the women choosing. All goes smoothly, the C-4 each ending up with a non-alliance player, so they can control the coveted Switch Card. Couples are: Toni and Anthony, Andrea and Michael, Tomiko and Ralph, and Melissa and Darin. We are reminded again that the theme is commitment. Okay, put that anvil down, Justin. Don’t want to throw out your back.
Clued in by Toni, Andrea is determined to squeeze her way into the alliance, much to Michael’s dismay. He tells her what she wants to hear, then frets privately that he’s in bed with too many people. And not in a good way. He’s pissed about it, but doesn’t mention Andrea’s involvement to Melissa or Toni, just Ralph, who says he doesn’t want to betray Melissa or Toni. Michael agrees.
Time for the Hot Seat. And there was much rejoicing. Justin says the point is to “loosen up and have a little fun.” Yeah, or to stir up bad feelings and piss everyone off. You know, whichever. The theme of today is also commitment, for the slow learners among us. And actually, given the probable IQ of the contestants, maybe Justin has a point with all the repetition. Ahem.
Ralph is up first, and asked about his history of cheating on every girl he’s ever gone out with. That’s quite a track record, Ralphie boy. He says he doesn’t know if he can ever be faithful, and admits it’s a personality flaw, the cause of which is insecurity. Wow, Ralph is going to end up very, very alone in life if he keeps that behavior up.
Darin is next, and asked to “drop the puppy dog act” and ‘fess up to liking Melissa. He does, naming all the great things about her. Except for her having a boyfriend and all.
Melissa is then asked whether Darin has a chance, to which she replies (as if at gunpoint) that he does. At least, best chance of anyone on the boat. She and Darin then retire to their cabin to discuss Melissa’s boyfriend troubles.
I don’t really understand how she has a boyfriend of two-and-a-half years and is on this show, since I don’t consider her to be “single.” I thought all contestants were to be unattached, not just unmarried. But, whatever. Bottom line? Melissa’s confused about what to do about her boyfriend, since she feels they’re moving in different directions.
Ah, a visit to Loser Island, a.k.a. Aruba. Rough, I know. The losers are staying at the “Blue Village Suites” and according to Lisa, “it’s very terrible to be here.” Cry me a river that leads to the clear, blue ocean, m’kay? Everyone hangs out and bitches about getting kicked off.
Back to Michael on the boat, who feels like he’s “in bed with a monster” now that he’s been forced to bring in Andrea to the alliance. She also won’t shut up for a minute, which is grating on his nerves.
Cut to Melissa, who is telling Darin all about the alliance, and questioning Michael. Darin seems genuinely surprised that people are aligning, and also seems genuine when he says he would want to win because he worked hard. Melissa finds Michael and says she doesn’t want to play dirty.
Michael tells us he doesn’t want to hurt anyone, but that it’s going to get ugly. He knows it’s all falling apart. Really though, he’s just trying to control the game, and win it. He’s not really doing anything that bad. He tells Andrea things are going to be stressful. He doesn’t know the half of it.
Day 10. Time to throw a wrench in the works, and everyone is given the choice to switch their current partner for someone on Loser Island. They have to take pictures of themselves with a Polaroid Joycam and then put the picture (taken with a Polaroid Joycam) into a box if they want to switch. Then, one picture (courtesy of the fine Polaroid Joycam camera) will be chosen, and that person gets to switch.
Only one person decides to switch, and it’s Michael. (So no drawing of the Polaroid Joycam-produced photos is necessary.) Andrea is surprised and pissed off, but puts on a steely smile. Michael says he wants to bring Jeannette back, because Andrea, Toni and all the girls said they’d like to (what with Jeannette being a single mom and all). Andrea grits her teeth and says she’d love to bring Jeannette back, so it’s fine. Toni, to the surprise of no one, cries.
On horrible, horrible Aruba, the castoffs await the call. There is much hugging when Jeannette is chosen. Lisa says she has to go forth and tell everyone on the boat “what has happened on Loser Island.” What, aside from sitting around and whining? (Actually, as the camera pans the room it’s revealed that Tony has apparently gotten a mohawk hair style, on what I can only assume was a drunken, suicidal bender.)
Back on the boat, Andrea is understandably angry, as is everyone else. Toni’s face gets all red, her eyes bug out, and she calls Michael a “weasel.” Michael says there’s nothing wrong with playing the game. He’s right, but he should play it a tad smarter, since this move has upset everyone.
Melissa in particular is upset, and vents with the other players. Anthony says that “my whole thing is just maintaining Anthony.” Which is his really irritating way of saying he wants to stay true to himself. (But I guess his phrasing makes sense, since he’s a pretentious idiot, and is thus staying true to himself.)
Melissa doesn’t want to hear Michael’s apology, and Anthony counsels that if Michael had just been himself that everything would have been fine, because “we really believed in you, brother.” Shut up, Anthony.
Michael eats alone at lunch. He has been shunned. Cast out. He’s dead to them now. You understand? Dead to them!
Andrea hangs with Toni and says she’s “furious.” Michael again corners Melissa and tries to get her to understand that Toni and Andrea are just as duplicitous as he is. Which is true. Melissa wavers a bit in her resolve to not believe Michael.
Back to Loser Island and a mandatory goat shot. Lisa says they all have regrets and that it’s horrible to know some people aren’t trustworthy. Yeah, like you, Lisa? The point is that everyone wants revenge on Anthony, especially Lisa and Laura (totally understandable). They don’t seem concerned that then he’d be sent to Loser Island and they’d have to hang out with him.
Day 11. Buh-bye, Andrea. Michael says “good riddance” to the camera, then gripes that he doesn’t get a hug. Can’t have it both ways there, Mikey. Jeannette returns and happily hugs everyone, then gossips a bit about Loser Island, but reveals nothing of importance. Michael is happy to have a friend again.
Toni isn’t having any of that, and sits Jeannette down to tell her that Mike bringing her back was about him being a martyr, not a nice guy. Speaking of martyrs, Toni then tells Jeannette she wants to volunteer to go next, because she misses Greg just terribly. She knew him a week, right?
Then Toni says that the only way she wants to stay is if Jeannette will take half the prize money. So, either St. Toni will leave voluntarily or make the big sacrifice to stay, only if Jeannette is “willing” to take half the money. Whatever, Toni.
It’s challenge time, and the contestants go ashore to drag each other across the sand with a harness attached to a round sled. Guys first, then girls. To no one’s surprise, Amazon Toni and Anthony win, followed by Melissa and Darin. They move onto Round 2, which is taking turns hanging from a bar, one partner hanging at all times.
Darin and Melissa work well together, but Toni keeps getting her feet too close to the box on which one person can stand on, and she and Anthony are disqualified. Melissa gets the Switch Card, which Justin tells us can be used to save yourself or someone else, maybe someone “that you love.” Love? It’s been 11 days, Justin. Darin says he really wanted to win because he has suspicions about Toni and Anthony and whether they can be trusted. Darin’s innocence is strangely touching. Did these people never watch a reality show before?
Anthony tells us: “I think Michael stays up at night and has nightmares about me.” Join the club, Michael. “He’s very threatened by my power.” Not to mention the delusions of grandeur.
Jeannette tells Michael that everyone on “Hindsight 20/20 Island” (hee!) wants Anthony voted off. She then spots Anthony spying on them from the deck below. She asks if he heard what he wanted to, and he replies “life is an open book, sexy.” Yeah, not answering the question there, you pathetic ass-kisser.
Jeannette’s return has buoyed Michael’s spirits, and he’s trying to put the Andrea debacle behind him. Darin asks him if he feels bad about it, and Michael says he does. Darin says okay, and drops the subject. Well, Anthony isn’t having any of that, and starts a fight with Michael. Michael understandably tells us that he’s tired of people being so high and mighty and pretending they aren’t playing a game, and that he doesn’t buy that Anthony isn’t. You and me both, Michael.
Despite the fact that it was Darin who brought it up, Anthony tells Michael “I told you to just let it go.” Wait, Michael disobeyed a direct order? The nerve! Dr. Anthony continues: “I went to you, and I talked to you about who you were.” That’s a conversation I would have liked to see. Then comes the famous “you hurt people, maliciously!” line. But really, Michael was just trying to manipulate people into doing things his way, which is pretty much how you win these types of games.
Anthony tells us that “it’s repulsive behavior, it’s cheating.” No it isn’t, on both counts. He goes on to say that “he’s still threatened by me.” Because it’s all about Anthony, apparently. When in fact, Michael’s machinations have had very little to do with Anthony. Anthony prattles on some more about how Michael is attacking him because of “his own dark cloud.” Anthony really needs to lay off the psycho-babble section of the bookstore.
Next time: Toni’s mad as hell, and she’s not going to take it anymore! And from the looks of it, she’s not going to be giving Jeannette anything but a black eye.
Stacey Allison is an advertising copywriter living in Toronto.
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