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Love Cruise, Episode 6: Anger Management Issues, Ahoy!
by Stacey Allison
-- 07/10/2002
Between Anthony and Toni, it’s hard to say who is more annoying. Both are certainly vying for the title. Maybe we should declare a tie. But why are Toni and Ralph (shown at right) so unhappy?
Previously on Love Cruise: People behaved badly and were vindictive towards each other. No, really!
Well, as we rejoin the contestants, it seems that Michael’s switch of Andrea and Jeannette has woken everyone up to the fact that – gasp! – people might be dishonest, and might do things to win the game that others won’t like. Wow, what a shocker. Of course, Michael didn’t really do anything that bad, and Jeannette is far more likable then Andrea, so she’s a welcome return.
Anthony levels with us that despite all his claims to the contrary, he actually does want to win. Gee, what a revelation. He goes on to say that he’s just too gosh darned trusting for his own good. Whatever you say, Anthony.
We pay a visit to Toni, who becomes apoplectic (we’ll be seeing a lot of that this episode) upon learning that Michael joked that he would have kicked Andrea down the gangplank if he could have. Gotta respect Michael’s honesty, it’s refreshing.
Toni, red-faced and bug-eyed, slams around the boat searching for Michael. He doesn’t deny saying it, then says he’s sick of the hypocrisy from others regarding the alliance. He successfully manages to get off the topic of his comment and calms Toni down. She says that if Jeannette is voted off, “someone’s in trouble.” Michael says that, duh, he didn’t bring her back to vote her off. But he leaves out the “duh” part.
Meanwhile, Jeannette is questioning Toni’s motives and character. Jeannette is no dummy.
Onto Darin, waxing poetic about Melissa. He calls her his “dream girl” and sweetly bemoans her non-single status. (Still don’t get why she’s on this boat, but whatever.) Darin seems very genuine and nice.
Back to Anthony, who tells us that “I have people who don’t like me.” Yeah, it’s called “the world population.” He goes on to say that Melissa is a smart girl.
Melissa, the Switch Card holder, is torn as to what she should do at the vote. She thinks Jeannette will be voted off, and doesn’t know whether she should save her or not. She asks Toni for advice. Toni says she’d love to save Jeannette (and also offered her half the prize money last episode), but… “there’s a little greedy part of me that wants to stay on the boat.” I’d say that the greedy part’s a lot bigger then she’s letting on.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to stay on the boat, that’s the point of the game. But Toni should really save the tearful false promises to Jeannette, and just admit that she wants to win. Everyone should just admit that already (other than Michael who happily will, to his great credit). I mean, why shouldn’t they want to win? In the immortal words of the Survivors, they didn’t come here to make friends.
Day 12. Ralph and Toni make a pact to become a couple and make it to the Final 4. Michael tells Melissa he’s done with planning and trying to figure everything out, and Melissa says she respects him for taking a lot of heat and not ratting out the rest of the Chicago 4 alliance.
Darin tells us that he suspects Toni and Andrea are full of it with their talk of wanting Jeannette to win. Being the honest, forthright person he appears to be, Darin sits Toni down to ask her about it. She lies and tells him that she does indeed want Jeannette to win, and he pretty much says he doesn’t quite believe her, but in a nice way. Darin knows what’s what.
Tomiko tells us that although she’s gotten to know Ralph, she wants to vote him off, because everyone has gathered that he and Toni are teaming up.
Gender Jury time. Toni emphatically wants Michael off, but Melissa sticks up for him. Tomiko raises the issue of Ralph. The men seem torn between Jeannette and Toni.
In the end, Ralph is voted off, much to his shock. The men choose Toni. Before Melissa can even open her mouth to say whether she’s going to use the Switch Card, Toni reaches over and rips it up. Toni needs to get over this martyr routine, because it’s as fake as her breasts. Melissa’s like, uh, thanks. Toni tearfully hugs/headlocks Melissa from behind.
Cut to Toni telling us privately that she doesn’t like Melissa and wants the money. Toni is pretty much full of crap, anyway you cut it. Back to the ceremony, and Justin steps in to say that despite Toni’s laughable theatrics, Melissa can still use the Switch Card. Except he doesn’t quite say it like that, even though we know he’s thinking it. Melissa says she’s going to let things stand, then tells us that she was determined not to let Toni win. Go Melissa!
Time for the Re-Coupling Ceremony, with the guys choosing. The end result is Anthony and Tomiko, Darin and Melissa, and Michael and Jeannette.
Tomiko and Anthony talk in their cabin, and she says she find him “fascinating.” Tomiko needs to get out more. Anthony says he’s not going to change who he is to play the game,” yada, yada, yada. Tomiko then tells up privately that Anthony is very slick, and she thinks he’s got something up his sleeve.
Hot Seat. This time to further stir things up, the questions are asked in the open. Hey, Michael’s wearing a University of Toronto T-shirt. That’s my alma mater, so total shout-out to me. Where was I? Right, Hot Seat. Nothing much happens. Darin says more nice things about Melissa, says he respects Michael. Darin outs Anthony’s vote for Jeannette to leave, and asks if he regrets it. Anthony says he misread Toni, but also that she was manipulated. Melissa takes umbrage at this, and pretty much calls Anthony on his hypocritical crap. Melissa rightfully says Toni was the manipulator.
Jeannette’s up next, and Darin asks how she feels knowing Toni and Andrea weren’t sincere about wanting her to win. She tears up (Darin apologizes) and makes a revelation to the group: Toni told her to tell everyone she wanted to get voted off, and that if she did, Toni would give her $20,000 when she won. (Wow, overconfident much?) Strange that they didn’t show us a clip of this, but it’s not the first time the cameras have apparently not caught something.
Everyone is pretty disgusted, and Jeannette says that Toni’s proposition was insulting. Which it was, truly. Jeannette can win this game on her own; she doesn’t need Toni’s “charity.” Anthony pretends he’s disgusted too, then says privately that Toni’s just a strategist. Hmm, but Michael trying to have an alliance was cheating. As usual, Anthony’s a fool.
Toni and Ralph arrive at Loser Island in the rain. Toni is delighted to see Greg again, and cracks a couple of his ribs hugging him. She tells him “I gave up for Jeannette.” Oh, you so did not, so cram it. She was voted off, she gave up nothing, despite the melodramatic ripping up of the Switch Card. She tells everyone that Melissa is “trying to screw everybody.” Um, no, she isn’t. St. Toni says again “I gave it up.” Cut to the next morning, with Andrea trying to bring an apparently naked Toni coffee. This is of course Fox’s sly way of implying Toni and Greg had sex. Like we care, so whatever.
Day 13. On a different part of Aruba, it’s time for the final competition. The three couples stand in an empty wading pool, and squeeze a bag of fruit between their bodies, without using their hands or arms. The 2 couples with the most juice are the Final 4, and both teams interestingly get Switch Cards.
The juice squeezing is pretty amusing, and after all the juice has been poured into jars, it’s revealed that Tomiko and Anthony are headed for the goat-infested side of the island. They are good losers, even if they insist on saying so themselves. Justin cryptically says, “the game is just beginning,” which leads me to believe the producers will be inventing new rules and trying to mess up the final couples as much as possible.
Everyone packs up on the other side of Loser Island. (I guess Anthony and Tomiko won’t get to enjoy the horrible, horrible resort after all.) Toni is determined to screw Melissa, and Lisa says she wants Jeannette to win more than she wants Michael to lose. Everyone hopes they can vote for individuals rather than couples.
Meanwhile, Justin gives congrats to the Final 4, and tells them they’re going to have a nice lunch on the beach. Then he tells them they’re going to have some company! Oh, goody. Of course, it’s all the banished contestants. Well, this ought to be a pleasant, non-stressful event.
After much hugging and insincere congratulation, the final players open their envelopes. Darin and Jeannette get the Switch Cards, and are told they can pick any of the castoffs and switch them with their current partner. Let the ass kissing begin.
Toni and Andrea immediately begin working on Jeannette to dump Michael. Jeannette is reluctant. And she should be, given the fact she wouldn’t still be playing if Michael hadn’t brought her back. Toni mentions again (out of Jeannette’s earshot) her “giving up her spot” for Jeannette. Earth to Toni: You. Were. Voted. Off.
Anthony decides to stir the pot for the hell of it, and mentions to Toni that he heard something about a bribe, but that gee, he really shouldn’t say anything else. Usually I really hate it when people do things like that, but in this case, it’s pretty darn amusing. Toni predictably begins a meltdown, and Anthony returns to his table and gleefully tells a few of the guys: “I give it about 5 minutes.”
And Toni’s off! Cut to Anthony giggling, and I can’t blame him. Toni marches up to Melissa and gets in her face about talking behind her back. After figuring out what the holy hell Toni’s talking about, Melissa calls Jeannette over to get things straight.
Jeannette, to her immense credit, is not intimidated by Toni’s eye-popping rage, and tells Toni that she just told everyone what Toni said. And that yes, it was a bribe. Toni’s head is about to explode and she yells that Jeannette is trying to make her the bad guy. Jeannette says, “you are what you are.” Go, Jeannette. Toni’s anger is laughable and scary at the same time. Is it the result of steroid abuse? Discuss amongst yourselves.
Next time (final episode): The Happy Fun Time Picnic continues, and Justin the sassy host mentions something about another couple being added into the finals.
Stacey Allison is an advertising copywriter living in Toronto.
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