Love Cruise, Episode 7: The Ship Finally Sails

Well, we’ve come to the final episode of this voyage, and we’re told it’s “Judgment Day.” Does this mean Schwartzenegger will be showing up to kick some butt? No? Damn.

Previously on Love Cruise: Michael hurt people maliciously, Adrian was accused of being a male chauvinist pig, people kissed, cried, and argued.

The final couples are Melissa & Darin and Jeannette & Michael. We get an extensive recap of the Toni bribery controversy, and pick up her confrontation with Jeannette where we left off. Toni denies hotly that she’d bribe anyone. They continue to fight, Toni still yelling in Jeannette’s face, and Jeannette refusing to back down. All the other contestants watch in horrified fascination (except Anthony, who is openly smiling and laughing).

Privately (as the poor cameraman surely cowers), Toni forcefully tells us, with much finger pointing, eye bugging and air quoting, that Jeannette has turned her words around. “It’s wrong!” she growls.

Back on the beach, Toni says Jeannette must be confused about what she said. Jeannette stands up to her and says she knows exactly what happened, thank-you very much.

Jeannette tells us she isn’t lying. Judging by Toni’s psychotic behavior, I tend to believe her. We’re treated to a slow-mo replay of Toni’s bug eyes.

Toni suddenly calms down, and says she’s sorry if she gave Jeannette the wrong idea, and that she still wants Jeannette to win (and that she’ll do whatever she can to help). Then she runs frantically towards the water, since her pants have just burst into flames.

Just in case we needed proof that Toni is lying, the editors entertainingly cut together scenes of Toni lying to Jeannette, then telling us that since Jeannette had the temerity to the think so little of her, “she’s NOT winning.” Except Toni doesn’t say “temerity.” But if she did, you know she’d use air quotes when she said it.

The truly mystifying thing about Toni is why she feels if necessary to be so two-faced. Why tell Jeannette she’s going to help her win? Jeannette can’t do anything about it, so why doesn’t Toni just tell her the truth? Or not tell her anything at all? Why the need to pretend to be the good guy, when we all know it’s an act? Toni could take a lesson from Jeannette in telling people exactly what you mean, to their faces.

Toni now tells Jeannette, “I don’t care about the money, I just care about you.” Man, those burning pants can’t be comfortable. Especially since she’s wearing a sarong.

Back in their corner, Andrea and Toni just can’t believe that Jeannette went back on the boat for one day and was “brainwashed by the morons.” Wow, could these two be worse losers if they tried? Toni says, “I never want to be rich if it means you’ve gotta act like this.” Um, Toni? Being rich has nothing to do with how you’re acting. And calling other people morons? Better put on some more sunscreen, girls, don’t want to get burned through the roof of your big glass house.

Michael and Jeannette finally eat their lunch in peace and – wait for it – shake their heads at Toni’s behavior. He says he’s proud of Jeannette for standing up for herself and also says he’ll understand if she wants to switch him for someone else. Jeannette chews thoughtfully, which probably isn’t the reassurance Michael was looking for.

Dissolve to a shot of a pink flamingo on the beach to further prove that it isn’t the entire island of Aruba that’s goat-infested.

Back at the BBQ, Anthony plants a long, noisy smooch on Jeannette, trying to suck up. As it were. Jeannette must be counting the minutes until this whole thing is just over and done with.

Michael and Jeannette are sick of everyone trying to tell Jeannette that she won’t win with Michael, and what to do with her Switch Card. Away from the group, Jeannette cries in frustration (can’t blame her at this point) and hugs Michael. Justin the host – sorry, “Cruise Director” – interrupts by saying, “I hope I’m not interrupting,” and then tells them it’s time for the Switch Card ceremony.

As expected, Darin doesn’t switch Melissa. Time for Jeannette’s decision. Despite the ominous music playing as she silently contemplates, Jeannette stays with Michael. Privately she tells us that she had to stay with Michael, since she wouldn’t even be back in the game if he hadn’t brought her back with the Switch Card. “I couldn’t have switched him at the last minute and won with someone else. It’s not right.” She’s totally right and good for Jeannette for doing the right thing.

Now Justin asks the Losers to partner up and, uh oh, I smell a last-minute bid by the producers to spice things up. Yep, all the contestants now have to vote on which new couple should be the “last chance qualifier.”

Michael says the couples are tainted, that there’s at least one person he doesn’t like in all the pairings. Anthony and Andrea are a “double whammy” according to Michael. Couldn’t agree more.

Everyone votes, and Justin announces that Adrian and Gina will be the third couple in the finals. They are suitably shocked. Michael isn’t surprised because they were the only ones at the BBQ who didn’t try to stir things up and conducted themselves with “honor and class.” Since the camera was pretty busy with Toni and her bug eyes, I’ll take Michael’s word for it.

As the finalists are returned to the ship, the rest of the contestants prepare their Hot Seat questions, designed to either help or hinder the final couples. Gina can’t believe she’s back on the boat and tells Adrian in their cabin that they have a great chance to win. Adrian doesn’t want to jinx it. Michael is pessimistic about his and Jeannette’s chances, but she tells him to let go of what’s happened, and they’ll just see wait and see. He agrees.

Evening. Final Hot Seat. Justin helpfully reminds us that this is the final Hot Seat. Wow, where would we be without him to clear these things up for us? Oh right, we’d be in the same place, because we’re not idiots and we get it already, as do the contestants.

He says they are looking for the most legitimate couple, the couple most committed to each other. Uh, that would be none of them. The only romantic feelings are from Darin for Melissa, who has a boyfriend. So, this should pretty much be a farce. But that’s in keeping with the whole show, so moving on.

Jeannette is up first. Andrea wants to know how Jeannette can think that Toni tried to bribe her, and whether she may have misunderstood. To her immense credit, despite the fact that she needs votes, Jeannette sticks to her guns and calmly says that no, she didn’t misunderstand, and that’s that. Andrea tells us privately that Jeannette’s earlier friendship was obviously fake. No, Andrea, she just found out what duplicitous skanks you and Toni are.

Back on the deck, Toni shakes her head in a long-suffering manner and seems to say, “whatever” in response to Jeannette’s answer. Poor, poor, misunderstood Toni.

Next, Tomiko asks Michael whether he thinks he’s hurting Jeannette’s chances of winning. He says he doesn’t know, but that if it’s about forming a couple, that he and Jeannette have bonded (not romantically, as friends). He continues that he told her he would understand if she switched him, but she didn’t, even though she had “every rat in the world come up to her and spit in her face.” Laura looks pissed at this comment, and although I applaud Michael’s honesty, I have to question the timing. Talk of rats and other lowly animals is fine if you’re on the jury, not the one being judged.

Gina’s turn, and Laura wants to know whether Gina and Adrian will stay in their cabin the whole time if they win, or if they’ll be social. Gina says that she and Adrian were the only ones really talking on Loser Island, and Laura cuts her off to bitchily snot, “that’s not the definition of social.”

Cut to Michael telling us that Gina stayed in her room on Loser Island because she saw a bunch of people who disgusted her and she wanted nothing to do with them. This is the first we’re hearing of this, but I can’t say I blame her one bit. Back to the Hot Seat, and Gina says she stayed in her room because the game got out of hand and she didn’t trust anyone. Again, she’s honest, but the timing’s questionable.

Adrian is asked by Toni whether he forgives her for not using her Switch Card (that he helped her win) to save him when he was voted off. Because it’s all about Toni, people. Adrian seems to understand the concept of needing votes to win and says that, of course, he forgives her, time heals all wounds, etc. It’s been a few days, but okay. Toni runs up, moist-eyed, to hug him. Anthony “jokingly” calls her a drama queen. She returns to her seat, saying that Adrian’s forgiveness was all she cared about. Great, can we give someone else the spotlight now, Toni?

Bob lobs Darin a softball question about whether he’s formed a bond with Melissa. Darin waxes poetic about her (surprise!) and says her friendship means more to him than money. Hokey, yes, but he’s so earnest that I can’t help but be a little heart-warmed.

Now it’s time for Anthony to attempt to get Melissa to “lose it” in the Hot Seat. Behold his success: He asks whether she’ll take Darin with her on the cruise if she wins, or if she’ll take her boyfriend from back home. (Now, isn’t Darin an equal winner in this? How does she get a choice?) At any rate, Melissa says that she would go with Darin, and then starts getting angry.

She and Anthony begin sniping at each other and then Melissa mistakes the Hot Seat for the therapy couch and starts unloading some issues about giving things up for boyfriends (like going away to college). She stands up and says that they don’t know what’s between Darin and herself, and that if they “can’t take anything for what it’s worth,” she doesn’t give a bleep. (For the proficient lip-readers in the audience, the producers also blurred her mouth for that expletive.) I don’t really know what she’s talking about per se, but she’s upset, so I’ll cut her some slack.

Melissa angrily says Anthony acts like a “righteous man” but that he’s a joke. Anthony says, very self-seriously, that he is a righteous man, and that he thinks she’s a joke as well. I’m rubber, you’re glue. Put a sock in it, Anthony.

Darin tries to get a word in edgewise, and Justin has to step in to give him the floor. Darin very calmly, but firmly, basically tells Anthony that if Anthony thinks he’s such a good friend to him, to respect his feelings for Melissa and cut the crap. At this point, male Tony (with the mystifying mohawk hairdo acquired on Loser Island) gets up and walks off. Is he fighting back tears? If you’ll remember, Tony was quite the crier.

Darin continues that if he wants to give Melissa his friendship, it’s his decision. Anthony latches onto the word “friendship” (as opposed to “love”) and calls Darin his “brother.” Darin tells him to cram it with the brother talk. (Okay, I’m paraphrasing here.)

Melissa continues to freak out, and yells that she doesn’t care about winning and doesn’t want any of their votes. Toni cackles in the back row. I hate to say it, but Anthony played Melissa like a violin. Justin understates that, “that was interesting.” The three couples all sulkily head to their cabins so the others can deliberate.

Melissa and Jeannette lay cuddling on a bed as Melissa cries. It seems her blow-up with Anthony has unleashed all her inner demons with a vengeance. She says that she doesn’t care about him, but that her boyfriend is her only family. Then her voice really cracks and she says, “I don’t have any family.” She tells Jeannette that when her Dad died, everything she had fell apart, and asks, “do you know what it’s like to spend Christmas by yourself?”

Let me say that if Melissa isn’t being sincere, she deserves an Oscar. She seems genuinely distraught, and goes on to say that her father died in her arms. She clearly has a lot of issues to work through, and Jeannette offers that her experience on the boat will make her a stronger person.

Cut to Adrian, who is getting a little irritated with Gina’s constant blathering about how they have a good chance of winning.

Now, the moment of truth. Justin opens a suitcase of money (the $200,000 grand prize) and everyone ooohs and ahs like they’ve never seen stacks of money before. I mean, this money isn’t a surprise or anything.

The finalists stand at the front with their arms around each other, and the judges put a lei around the necks of the couple they are voting for. Ralph chooses Gina and Adrian. Toni struts up, swinging her leis around her finger, because she is obnoxious to the bitter end. To the surprise of no one, she picks Gina and Adrian as well.

Andrea follows suit. Mohawk Tony tearfully (quelle surprise) votes for his buddies Darin and Melissa and they have an emotional group hug. Anthony’s turn, as he tries to wrestle the drama queen title from Toni. “Jeannette, I love you; Darin, I love you; Gina, I love you; but brother, I’d die for you,” he says as he puts the leis on Gina and Adrian. He’s known Adrian for just under two weeks. Hey, I guess bonds are made quickly when…um, cruising around the Caribbean.

Greg says he has to go with his heart, and he votes for Darin and Melissa. Greg is a brave man to risk the wrath of Toni. Bob votes for Darin and Melissa as well, as does Tomiko. It’s now tied 4-4. Jeannette and Michael are clearly out of the running, with no votes.

Since Laura doesn’t like Gina, she votes for Melissa and Darin. Lisa is the last vote. After tearfully prattling on about how much she loves everyone, she says she’s voting for Gina and Adrian because she and Gina really bonded on Loser Island. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie.

So, it’s time for Tie Break Deliberations. Melissa and Darin lounge on the bed downstairs and discuss their shock at getting any votes at all. Darin kisses her sweetly on the temple and says he was going to start bawling when Mohawk Tony came up. He’s talking softly, so there are subtitles. According to them, Darin was going to “start balling.” Sigh. The failure of the people behind-the-scenes on this show to successfully grasp the English language saddens me.

Gina and Adrian fret in their cabin.

Justin says that if no one changes their vote after deliberating again, Michael and Jeannette will break the tie. Bob gets into my good graces for all eternity (despite his Kenny G hair) by suggesting they cut to the chase, after getting confirmation from everyone that no one will change their vote.

The two couples return, and although Jeannette and Michael say nice things about Gina and Adrian, they vote for Melissa and Darin. They have a big, tearful group hug, and everyone claps. So, despite telling everyone to pretty much go to hell, Melissa and Darin win anyway. Excellent! Toni and Anthony try for smiles, but land on pained grimaces.

Justin wishes everyone good luck and we’re treated to a slow-mo flashback montage of Darin and Melissa’s history on the boat, accompanied by their complimentary voice-overs about each other. Putting to rest any question of her ditching Darin for her boyfriend, Melissa says that they are “going to go around the world and experience everything.”

Despite her issues, Melissa seems to be a sweet girl, and Darin has been nothing but honorable and kind to everyone. Since they also really do care for each other (especially on Darin’s end), it would seem the best couple won. Thus ends the maiden voyage of the Love Cruise, so adios and bon voyage.

Stacey Allison is an advertising copywriter living in Toronto.

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