Surviving Africa, Episode 7: Hot Water Burns Clarence

Hey, I have a great new idea for a reality TV show! You take a family of four, drive them out to the middle of nowhere on a holiday when nobody is working, and then kill their car, stranding them! Then you see if they can make it home. Oh, wait, that’s not a new show, that was my life on Thanksgiving, which goes to explain why this episode summary is a wee bit late.

But enough of my problems, let’s cut to the problems in Africa. More specifically, let’s look at the problems that left when Lindsay was voted off. As sorry as Brandon said he was at Tribal Council, he is significantly less sorry now. He says she left looking like a jackass and he’s glad she’s gone because he couldn’t have taken the merge with her whining, crying, and being a baby. Yow. And this was one of her friends!

Tom says the two remaining kiddies are now “nervous as a whore in church.” Indeed, Brandon knows he’s in the minority for the first time now and is trying to keep his distance from Kim while still maintaining a relationship with her.

Over in Boran the next morning, Clarence is still talking about the chicken. But now in addition to telling us how good it was, he’s also sharing how bad it was for his digestive system. He had to take a shovel out to do his business and, while he was there, a herd of elephants showed up to the North of him. He says he could have been trampled, which would have been an embarrassing way to go. True. Almost as embarrassing as going due to a game of rock/paper/scissors – but I’m getting ahead of myself.

In the excitement of the tribe waiting around for the merger, we find out that Frank doesn’t know what brunch is. I’ve got to tell you, I’ve heard of being regimented, but not even knowing what it is? Is he totally cut off from reality? Yeesh.

Back in Samburu, Lex is talking about how great things look for them now. Tom does a little dance of joy, which I hope I never see again in my life. I had to put a cold compress on my eyes after seeing it the first time, and just talking about it is bringing back bad memories.

Later, Lex kisses up to Tom (I would have said kissed his ass, but again, bad memories) by making him the “uber spoon.” Kelly can’t believe how much Lex is politicking for the win and wonders if she is the only one who realizes what a totally weird person he is. In a perfect world with no merger, she says, she would vote him off. I’m not entirely sure what the merger has to do with anything, or if she thinks she will be safe sticking with his “team,” but she needs to start acting on her thoughts. Again, I’m getting ahead of myself.

The big question about the merge is quickly answered when they are called to an immunity challenge and are told that they are all now one big happy tribe – which means the challenge is for individual immunity. The test is a simple one – each player has one arm raised and attached to a bucket of water over their head. If they move that arm too much, the bucket flips and they’re out (and wet).

Kelly is the first one out, at 14 minutes. The elder Kim is gone shortly after, and the two of them talk strategy immediately. Brandon says, “Screw it,” and dumps the water on himself at 18 minutes. Younger Kim is gone at 36 minutes. Tom is all wet at 44, and Frank at 55. When Frank goes out, Brandon first claps and says, “Yeah!” but then quickly realizes he’d better not be so obvious and turns it into a “good job” applause for him. Oh, yeah, fooled a lot of people with that one. There is a lull for a while until Teresa decides to sing a rendition of “Tomorrow” from Annie at 1:44. Unlike Rich Hatch in the first series, she doesn’t knock herself out of the competition with her own singing.

At 2:17 the first temptation is brought out – a big cheeseburger with all the fixings. Nobody takes it (not even Clarence), so the losers share it. A little later, Ethan asks Clarence if he would have given up for a pizza, and Clarence says yes. Amusingly, at 3:10, host Jeff Probst brings out a pizza. Clarence still manages to hold back. The pizza is also eaten by the losers, and then, at 3:18, Lex gets soaked, just missing out on all the food. Ethan is gone at 3:38. At 4:30, Probst brings out a full plate of chicken, salad, corn on the cob, rice, beer (what, no Budweiser sponsor this time?) and, of course, Mountain Dew. Clarence still isn’t going for it, but he tries to make a deal with Teresa. She isn’t buying it.

At six hours, Clarence tries to get her to play rock/paper/scissors again. This time, she goes for it. She ends up with paper, he ends up with rock – paper covers the rockhead, and he loses. To his credit, he steps down and dumps the water on himself. I didn’t think he would. But then he immediately heads over to the plate of food still sitting there and chows down. Ah, the real reason.

After the challenge, they all go back to the Boran camp (which they had unsurprisingly decided was the better one) and find a nice basket of food. Everybody gets into the group dynamic except for Frank. He says he feels like he was invited to the Wagner family reunion, but his last name is Smith. So he just floats around the outside, looking in. Indeed, while everybody else is emptying the basket, he goes out to get firewood. Finally, they tell him to join them as they’re downing fruit and wine. But Kelly privately observes that Frank is socially inept and while she is sure that a large portion of society is introverted and anti-social, there are prescription drugs to counteract it and she thinks he should be on them. Thank you miss Homecoming Queen/cheerleader/class president/sorority girl.

Tom, meanwhile, is focusing on Teresa and her, um, finer qualities. He says his wife knows he’s just a man and after seven days of looking at Brandon, he doesn’t care if Teresa has an eye on her forehead, he’d still take her. Jeez, this man just gets more and more embarrassing to himself, doesn’t he?

As they pass around the bottle of wine, they decide to play a game called, “I Never.” You are supposed to say things you’ve never done. Ethan’s never walked naked in a crowd. Oooookay – wow, how revealing. Tom doesn’t seem to understand the rules and instead of talking about what he hasn’t done, says he has been turned on by a 56-year-old woman. (That’d apparently be Kim, even though he was talking about Teresa earlier – the man ain’t picky.) Brandon says he’s never had sex on an airplane. Flight attendant Teresa says she has. Hmmmm. When it gets to Frank, the mood quickly turns somber as he says he has never broken the honor of a handshake. OK, well, way to keep the laughs coming, Frank.

Later, we see that Frank does indeed have a playful side, though. He goes out to do some chores and sees an elephant. So he starts imitating it, swinging his canteen like a tail and having a good ol’ time. He says there are a few humans he wouldn’t interact with there, but he definitely will play with the animals. Huh. And all this time I figured he’d just want to hunt the animals.

They decide on a new name for their combined tribe, by combining the Swahili words for fire and water – Moto Maji. Yes, they’re in hot water now. The next day, Clarence paints their flag, which is rather ironic since he’s in the hottest water of all.

Indeed, Lex decides he’s going to be Mr. Ethical and just come right out to tell Clarence that they will be voting him out at Tribal Council. Kelly calls him “Grand Master Lex” and wonders why people bow to him. She further wonders how telling Clarence now suddenly makes it ethical when they’ve been lying to him up until this point. In an effort to make us think that Clarence might not be going, they further show us Kelly saying Clarence has grown on her and has changed his ways to become part of the group, unlike Frank the outcast. Yeah, we’re almost buying that. Anyway, Lex tells Clarence that he’s simply too strong and so they need to vote him out. Nothing personal.

I’ve got to say that this is an incredibly dumb move. If Clarence thinks he’s safe, let him think it! Why give the man time to plot a comeback? Lex is lucky that people didn’t decide to band together with Clarence (which, if the Samburu folks and Kelly were with it, they would have) and get rid of him altogether! As it happens, it didn’t matter, but that doesn’t mean it was a smart move.

Getting off my soap box and back to the show, in another attempt to make the viewer think Clarence might not be going, Kim J. says she doesn’t like being told what to do by Lex. OK, then why not turn on him? No, don’t be silly. Meanwhile, Clarence tries to talk Tom and others out of voting for him, but is not successful. The only one who says she won’t vote for him is Teresa, because he held up his end of the bargain at the immunity challenge.

So off to Tribal Council they go. Probst asks the standard questions. Ethan says they are one big happy family. Brandon says the previous night’s celebration changed his opinion of Frank because Frank actually cracked a couple of jokes, which Brandon hadn’t seen before. (I tell ya, get a little liquor into the guy and watch out!) Tom says that even though the party was fun, the game is always there. Teresa says she felt like she needed immunity because there are no certainties and it’s nice to know that, at least for now, she’s safe. Clarence says he spent most of the time during the challenge thinking about whether the old Boran would hold its loyalty (um, Clarence, they never had any loyalty to you – they just used you for your strength). He says he quit because while he could tell Teresa was in more pain, he didn’t think she would give in. So the only fair thing to do was play rock/paper/scissors. Her staying power will stay with him the rest of his life.

So they vote. As expected, everybody votes for Clarence except Teresa and Clarence himself – both of whom vote for Lex. Teresa adds something that everybody else should pay attention to, noting that Lex’s leadership makes her nervous.

So Clarence is booted. In his final words, he notes that the others won fair and square, and he’s glad he didn’t do anything to dishonor himself or his mother (well, there were those couple of food incidents back at the beginning, lest you forget). He’s proud to have lost because he was strong.

Next time, there is an unusual reward challenge which appears to involve a trip into a nearby town. Lex goes on a witch hunt to find out who cast that other vote against him. And the ex-Samburu folks may concoct a plan. Given that this is what they’re showing us, I think we can safely say that the ex-Samburu folks don’t get together and Lex doesn’t figure out who voted against him.

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