America’s Next Top Model 8, Episode 5: Clothes Make the Man

Regularly scheduled recapper Phil has been kidnapped by Renee and forced to listen to her cry over how the other girls never put the cap back on the toothpaste tube, but he managed to text message me and ask me to cover this week’s recap for him. Let’s hope Renee whines herself to sleep so he can escape. I’m expecting him to scale the side of the building on Brittany’s hair.

Previously, Natasha was lost in translation. Renee tried to be nice but it didn’t quite work out. At panel, Dionne’s style wasn’t edgy, but Felicia’s decision not to think during the crime-scene shoot got her eliminated. Nine girls are left.

It’s night at the house, and Natasha is on the phone with her husband, Stuart. She asks if he misses her and if he remembers her. She mentions that this is the first time they’ve talked in three weeks. Natasha interviews that models are away from their families a lot. She baby-talks to someone, and at first I thought it was Stuart and got grossed out, but it sounds like there’s actually a child there She has a kid? Oh, dear. Natasha interviews that she’s not bonding with anyone in the house. They’re not becoming friends because they’re so different.

Outside, Whitney talks to Diana about Natasha getting married so young. Inside, Natasha purrs and meows to Stuart. Diana wonders if Natasha was a mail-order bride in order to get her visa. She and Whitney think that’s gross. What’s really gross is now Natasha really is baby-talking to Stuart now.

In the morning, Diana eats and says she wants better food. Whitney notes that Diana wants to lose some weight. She interviews that it’s easier to have Diana around because she has someone to relate to. She thinks living in that house with all those skinny girls could give her a distorted sense of reality otherwise. No kidding.

The girls get some Tyra Mail. Sarah reads it, sporting some major bedhead: “Looking your worst can be the best thing to ever happen to you.” Jael says she’ll win this one.

The girls head to what looks like a fashion studio but which we’ll learn later is a Sears warehouse. Cathy Gould, the director of Elite Model Management, greets them. Sarah is happy to meet her because Cathy could be holding their career in her hands. Claudia Mason, a model, is also there. Claudia says it’s important for a model to know how to dress. Dionne interviews that at the last panel, the judges didn’t like her outfit, which shocked her. Today she’s going to try to listen and pay attention to what Cathy and Claudia tell her.

Claudia and Cathy have some clothing “examples” for girls to try on. When they’re dressed, the girls talk about what they like about their outfits. Natasha likes her skinny capris and tank top. Whitney likes her accessories. Jaslene likes her plaid pants. Cathy tells the girls that the clothes are actually examples of how not to dress. Oops! “Oh, snap!” Dionne interviews. “We were looking kind of jacked-up and busted.” More Dionne, please.

Cathy and Claudia tell the girls why they shouldn’t wear what they’re wearing. Diana’s shirt is too big. Natasha looks like a streetwalker. Natasha replies that she made it work, though. She thinks a model should always like the clothes she’s wearing for a shoot. Cathy and Claudia just stare at her. Renee interviews that you should always listen and apply the lesson people are giving you.

Claudia and Cathy have the girls trade clothes so they’re wearing outfits that actually work for them. Cathy says they’re maybe not perfect, but close enough. Dionne says that she’s learned that simple is better.

Back at the house, Renee asks Whitney if she really thinks a plus-sized model could ever be on the cover of Vogue. Renee herself doesn’t, no matter how much she wants to. Yeah, I bet she wants to. Whitney interviews that she could be on the cover of Vogue and look darn good. Yes, you could, Whitney! She promises Renee she’ll be find in the competition, then tells her to shut up. Later, Diana and Whitney complain about Renee. Whitney thinks that Renee’s trying to say that she and Diana aren’t models. Diana is mad.

The girls head back to the Sears warehouse, where they find two male mannequins… who are actually men. They’re identical twins Lawrence and Gregory Zarian, and though they’re wearing different clothes, I already can’t tell them apart. Their clothing line is Z squared, so I’ll go with that. The girls have learned how to dress, and now they’re going to have to create fashionable looks for an in-store display. They’re split into three groups - Dionne, Sarah, and Renee are together, Natasha, Jael, and Whitney are together, and Jaslene, Brittany, and Diana are together. Dionne doesn’t like her group much because she’s not close to Sarah or Renee.

Z squared tells the girls they’ll be evaluated independently and as a group. Natasha says she, Whitney, and Jael are different, so she’s not sure how they’ll work together as a group. The girls have 20 minutes to dress themselves and arrange their displays. If they’re not on their platforms and in their poses in that time frame, they’re disqualified.

The girls get to it, grabbing clothes and props. Dionne tells us she’s worked in retail, so she thought it made sense to pick out her group’s outfits. While she does that, Sarah collects a bunch of props. Jaslene interviews that she’s never won a challenge and wants to win. Sarah finishes up with the props and looks for her outfit.

Time runs out and everyone is ready… except Whitney isn’t on her group’s platform. Natasha whispers to her to get up on it, but Whitney shushes her. Not that it would matter, since time is already up anyway.

Sarah, Renee, and Dionne’s display has a spring theme but Z squared think it’s too busy. They do like their colors, though. Diana, Brittany, and Jaslene also have nice colors but Z squared don’t think they complement each other. Jael, Natasha, and Whitney have made up a sign but misspelled “Aphrodite,” which Z squared point out. Natasha says they can spell it however they want. Sarah interviews that Natasha is a used-car salesman. Wow, she’s right. Z squared like their display, but the girls didn’t listen - they were supposed to be in their places, and Whitney wasn’t, so they’re DQ’d. To add insult to injury, their team would have won, and Whitney would have been the individual winner. That sucks!

Instead, Sarah, Renee, and Dionne win, and Sarah is named the individual winner. Dionne isn’t happy about this, since she’s the one who picked out Sarah’s outfit. She wishes she could get some recognition for that. Z squared like Sarah’s blue scoop-necked top and accessories. Renee interviews that she picked out the accessories and Dionne picked the clothes. Sarah tells Z squared about picking the blue shirt. She interviews that she’s happy about winning but surprised that she did.

Sarah’s prize is a great one - she gets to do her next photo shoot twice. She’ll do it once, then get to look at her frames and get some feedback from Jay. Then she’ll get to use that feedback and do the shoot again. Dionne and Renee probably want to cry. Whitney interviews that Natasha was actually telling her something she should have listened to, but Natasha usually talks a lot, so Whitney tuned her out. Natasha complains that Whitney didn’t listen to her.

At the house, Natasha keeps complaining in an interview, saying that no one ever listens to her. Renee and Whitney whisper about Natasha not having a wedding ring despite being married for three or four years. She seems to overhear. She interviews that no one in the house respects her. Natasha calls Stuart again and cries about the other girls. He tells her not to get upset and to toughen up. She says if everyone picked on him every day, he wouldn’t be tough. Who’s picking on her? They’re whispering about her behind her back. That’s completely different. I mean, it’s not okay, but has she ever seen this show?

The girls get more Tyra Mail: “Dude, where’s my lipstick?” Hee. They’re happy that they might get to work with boys.

Natasha looks through some fashion magazines, telling us that the Jays suggested she study up and practicing her facial expressions and poising. She thinks she’ll do better at the next shoot.

Once again, the girls head to the Sears warehouse, this time to meet up with Jay. He says they need to style themselves, so they rush to pick out clothes. Of course, they don’t know what the clothes are for. When they’re done, Jay wonders if things are like this at the house. He doesn’t like their style and suggests some accessories - specifically, male models. God bless America. Jay says the girls and guys will trade clothes for the shoot. The guys are actually drag queens, so they know what they’re doing.