Celebrity Fit Club: Men vs. Women, Episode 1 -- Larger Than Life

Welcome to another slimming season of Celebrity Fit Club. Eight new celebrities arrive at Long Beach City College to compete for $150,000 worth of prizes and a slimmer, healthier physique. Oh, and to suit up for Fat Camp right away.

But first, the celebrities collectively think, “Let’s deface this poster of Harvey!” He gets a clown face, elephant ears, and an “I ? Ross” tattoo. No wonder he’s ticked when he comes by. Lesson #1, chubby celebs: never anger a Marine drill sergeant. Your life expectancy will be five minutes.

Too bad Da Brat never learned that lesson. She struts up to Harvey, picks up the aluminum trash can he brought in, and drops it with a loud clang. Sarcastic nice one, Bratty. Harvey thinks Da Brat doesn’t want to be here, and... Well, I’m not very fluent in bleepish, so I don’t know what the two are saying. The important thing is that Harvey apparently wins the fight, which should come as no surprise. Oh, and the men and women are officially separate teams. Yay.

Let’s just skip to the physical portion of the show. The first Fit Camp comprises four events. First is an obstacle course, which we don’t see too much of. I know there’s a tire run, at least. Cledus T. Judd and Tiffany stumble a bit. Da Brat gets the best time for the women thanks in part to her heated time with Harvey. Second is the long jump, a Fit Camp favorite. Warren G wins the round with a record-breaking 13'11". Nice!

Third is the quarter mile sprint. Harvey singles out Da Brat as falling behind, and she returns the favor with two birds in her hands. Nice. Warren smokes everyone, but Da Brat impresses at the end with a second place finish, and yet another best for the women. That didn’t come without its costs, though, as... oh, ew! She loses her lunch. Thank you for showing me that. Maureen deduces that Brat had salad for lunch. Thank you for telling me that. The final event is a stair climb. Maureen McCormick and Kimberley Locke struggle to finish three flights. Later, when Ross the Intern hits a snag, all of the celebs join forces for a final climb. How inspiring!

Here is a table of everyone’s accomplishments:

Next thing we know, it’s Day 2 of Fit Club, and it’s the celebs’ first time at the CWAP (Crystalline Weight Analyzing Platform). It is also the first time everyone gets to see the new panel of experts. Diet expert Dr. Ian Smith and drill sergeant Harvey Walden IV are back, of course. Joining them is the new psychotherapist Stacy Kaiser. Finally, a name easier to spell than Patagonia or whatever it was. Now we get to learn a bit more about each celebrity. Let’s start with...

TIFFANY: In the late 80s, Tiffany Darwish (who wisely dropped her last name) became a mall pop sensation at an age that nowadays is too young for American Idol. This stardom contrasted her home life, where alcoholism affected many family members. Tiffany’s mother was especially afflicted, and this conflict forced Tiffany to attempt a legal separation. Afterwards, she faced the problem of being stuck in the teen pop star role. In 2002, she performed the ultimate stunt to escape from the pop star stigma–she posed for Playboy. Although that experience showed off her sexy body, that body gained thirty pounds over the last five years. Desperate to undo the late night meals touring has forced upon her, the 5'5" Tiffany has joined Fit Club to regain her centerfold physique.

Tiffany is the first to hop onto the scale, which reveals her weight at 152 pounds. She also has 32.2% body fat. Among her other goals, Tiffany tells Ian that she doesn’t want to feel her thighs rubbing together anymore. Stacy’s question pretty much just reiterates her family’s alcohol problem. At least this show isn’t nearly as repetitive as

ROSS THE INTERN : The 27-year-old Ross Mathews, the youngest Fit Clubber this season, is best known as a correspondent on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and a popular blogger on the show’s website. And yes, he was an intern at one time. He has always been funny, but he also has always been chunky. And yes, he has always sounded like that. Ross, who stands at 6' even, is committed to losing weight, but doesn’t really know how to do it. Ross reveals a three-year membership to a gym he’s been to eight times in those three years. Well, at least that means less money to spend on food, right? Ross is scared of Fit Club, but he believes that being scared of something is more reason to do it. I like that philosophy.

Ross weighs in at 214 lbs. and also has 32.2% body fat. Ian asks if Ross is comfortable where he is. Ross replies that he is too comfortable. He has weighed 230 lbs. before, and at that weight it “hurts to reach for the food.” Ha! Stacy digs deeper into Ross’s comfort with his weight. Ross says it is comfortable to not get off the couch because “the couch is comfortable.” Double ha! What is uncomfortable is putting on a shirt that “must’ve shrunk in the laundry.” Dustin chimes in with “Gym machines are uncomfortable.” I can tell you what else is uncomfortable, Dustin. With his most intense exercise being “checking the mail,” Ross is asked to lose 4 lbs. for the next weigh-in and 30 lbs. overall. Watching The Tonight Show frequently, I have an idea on how well he does.