The Next Best Thing, June 27: The Sincerest Form of Flattery

Well, here we are at the semi-finals, the Orpheum Theatre filled with cheering, screaming, yet sadly not voting, fans. Yes, the fate of the contestants still lies in the hands of the inconsistent judges. Of the 28 contestants who advanced to this level, only half will compete this week. Due to the Independence Day holiday, the other semi-finalists won’t be seen until July 11. From each group of 14, the judges will select five to advance to the finals. How things will play out beyond this, I don’t know, since the prophetess Michelle Merkin has yet to impart her wisdom. Don’t worry, I’ll keep you posted.

Speaking of Michelle, she welcomes us and introduces the judges. God, I wish she’d stop preceding Elon’s name with “master impressionist.” She also tells Lisa that she looks beautiful and refers to Jeffrey as very handsome, so I guess her judgment isn’t any better than theirs has been. On with the performances!

Starting off the evening is Tina Turner impressionist Cookie Watkins. Now for those of you who have read my previous articles, you know that I wasn’t as impressed with Ms. Watkins’ audition as the judges were. I felt she had potential, but needed a lot of tweaking. Will tonight’s performance change my mind?

Cookie tells us in an interview that she’s been doing this a long time—long enough to have five grandchildren! She says singing in front of people is the most natural part of her existence. She can sing anywhere, at any time, in front of anybody; she has no fear because she’s so comfortable with what she does.

Cookie comes out on stage wearing a beautiful beaded white micro-mini dress, and her legs look as amazing as Tina’s. She sings “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” and I find that, while it’s clear that it’s Tina she’s imitating, at times she seems to be overdoing the mannerisms to the point of caricature. The lady can sing, however, and I’d love to hear her perform as herself some time.

The judges love her; Elon tells her she gave the real Tina Turner a run for her money. He says he can’t think of a better way to start the show and that she’s awesome—she rocks! Jeffrey says he’d like to see her versus the real Tina in a “Tina Turner-off” and says that all across the nation, Tina impersonators are hanging up their wigs, because she is the next best thing to Tina Turner!

John Martin is next. He says that while he doesn’t think George W. Bush has seen him do his impression, he has had the honor of meeting the president and shaking his hand. John told the president, “Sir, it’s an honor to be your lookalike”, to which Bush replied, “I feel sorry for you.”

To the strains of “Hail to the Chief,” John comes on stage, and while half of the audience claps and cheers, the other half boos. Trust me—it’s no commentary on John Morgan. John says it’s great to be in the great state of L.A. The audience laughs. He continues, adding, “It’s easy to say, it’s easy to spell, and I can make it with my fingers.” The audience laughs heartily. He continues his routine, saying that people are always asking him why he’s so happy all the time. He explains that he chooses to be hopeful; that he’s a “cup is half-full” kind of guy. He says he dances to the “beat of an African drummer” and does this weird flailing dance to illustrate his point. He then says,“Whether you’re a liberal or a Democrat, a Republican or a conservative, a Liberian or a librarian—remember that love is stronger than anything that divides us.” The audience likes him, and Jeffrey says the whole world wants to know- “Are you smarter than a 5th grader?” Lisa says she thought he was really funny, and Elon says it looks like John’s brother doesn’t have to be governor of ABC for him to win this one.

Next up is Donny Edwards. In an interview, Donny tells us that ever since he was about 16 or 17, people have been telling him he looks like Elvis. He didn’t really believe them until he was around 20, when he began to play with the idea. He says he wanted to get his hair cut like Elvis, but no one did that anymore, so he asked for the “Luke Perry 90210” cut instead. He got such a strong reaction from family and friends that he was really pleased. He was easy on the eyes, and the girls started coming around a lot more!

Donny is wearing the same outfit as he did in his audition: black pants and shirt, powder blue jacket, and white tie. He sings “Heartbreak Hotel,” initially while strumming his guitar, and then without it, so he can really shake those hips. This guy is really good. He looks and sounds like Elvis, and Michelle and Lisa are drooling. Elon tells him that they saw so many Elvises during the auditions that it really says a lot about Donny that he’s here. The crowd agrees.

Suzanne LaRouche is our next performer. She says she has been performing as Lucille Ball for 15 years, and it’s been both a joy and an adventure. As she talks about her experience, she becomes emotional, and it’s clear that for her, it’s not just a job. Suzanne says that if Lucy were here, she hopes that she would make her proud and that Lucy would thank her.

Suzanne comes out looking, sounding, and acting pitch-perfect, doing one of the classic Lucy routines: an ad for fermented fennel. Suzanne was one of my favorites in the audition round, and she does not disappoint. You can tell she’s a pro; her performance is so smoothly executed. The audience roars with laughter throughout. Michelle asks Lisa for her thoughts, and Lisa says, “Go Big Red!” Jeffrey adds, “Everybody loves Raymond, everybody hates Chris, but I LOVE LUCY!” Suzanne swoons in character to the praise from the judges, which I think really enhances the impersonation.

Buck McCoy will be doing his Tim McGraw impression next, and in an interview, he says that he thinks Tim is to country what Elvis was to rock and roll. He says there’s nothing like imitating someone who’s your hero, so when he gets to go out and perform the best music in the world and feel like Tim must feel, it’s the best job in the world.

As I’ve said all along, I’m a poor judge of country music impersonators, because I don’t know how close they are to the mark. This performance didn’t wow me, but neither would the real deal, so I’m left at the questionable mercy of the judges on this one. And speaking of the judges, they weren’t wowed. Elon tells him he has a good voice, but that Tim McGraw is very charismatic, while Buck has more the charisma of Dr. Phil McGraw. Jeffrey says he didn’t vote for Buck in the first round, but that he felt with the musical accompaniment, he really brought Tim to life and that he did a good job.

Next up is Natalie Reed, doing her impression of Paris Hilton. She tells us that Paris has seen the impression and that they’ve filmedThe Simple Life together, so she totally expected Paris to ask her to take her place in jail. Natalie says that impersonating Paris has brought her opportunities to travel around the world, meeting all kinds of people, so it’s pretty exciting.

For her performance, Paris is once again performing a magic trick. This time, she says she’s going to make her assistant float in the air. Her assistant, by the way, is a beefy, shirtless man who is stretched out over three folding chairs. Paris skips around the chairs, sprinkling him with her own brand of pixie dust. In the midst of this, she receives and answers a call on her cell phone. “I’m doing a magic trick. I’m on TV. Call me back later.” This gets a big laugh from the crowd, as does her failed magic trick. She tries to lift the chairs, and her “assistant” slumps to the ground. She shrugs and says it was hot anyway. Michelle polls the judges. Lisa asks who’s had more boyfriends, Paris or Lance Bass. In character, Natalie cracks, “Bass? I don’t watch those fishing shows.” The audience roars, and for good reason—that was a good ad-lib. Elon tells her he thought he was watching the real Paris Hilton, because he was oddly turned-on and nauseated, but he has to say her commitment was unbelievable, and she totally nailed it.

My problem with Faux Paris is the same as with Real Paris: she doesn’t do anything! It’s no criticism of Natalie Reed; she does a good impression of Paris Hilton. The problem is that Paris isn’t really a performer, unless you count her x-rated video. Oh sure, there was her appearance in House of Wax or her attempt at a recording career, but that’s not why she’s famous. Sadly, she is part of pop culture for being rich, and being vapid is not enough to win this competition—or at least it shouldn’t be. Paris Hilton isn’t a magician, and message boards from viewers have made the criticism that for this reason, Natalie Reed doesn’t deserve to move on to the finals.