A Psychic Prediction of the 'Survivor: Africa' Winner

I am the Unbelievable Bloombergini and I can tell the future!

I know many of you have been wondering where I’ve been. Indeed, I have not been on this site since I predicted the winner of Big Brother 2. I must admit that I have been embarrassed to show my face around the Web because of the disgusting behavior of other so-called psychics after the September 11 attacks. It hasn’t helped that other so-called psychics (including some of the same ones referenced above) tried to encroach on my territory by making predictions about TV, including Survivor. Needless to say, their predictions were worthless.

But I didn’t come here to point to all the failures of the frauds out there. I came here to prove my own powers. No, not Kim Powers, my powers.

Once again, the Manly Man has challenged me to a battle of predictions. Where was he all the time that I was quiet? Ha! He was probably hiding his head in shame from all of our previous battles. But I take pity on anybody so insecure as to need to call himself “Manly” rather than letting others assign the proper nickname. But let’s get started.

First, I’ll focus on the challenges. Looking into the future, I see the past. What does this tell me? That one challenge will involve a look back at the contestants who were already booted. Exactly who will win this one is fuzzy, but it will definitely not be Tom or Kim.

The other challenge will be one of strength. It may not be exactly the same type of endurance challenge from the past, but something similar will be involved. Again, Tom win not win.

But this is not to say that both Tom and Kim are doomed. Indeed, my vast powers tell me that Lex will lose at least one of those challenges and I keep seeing flashes of Colby in my otherworldly dreams. I have to ask myself why and I believe I have hit upon the answer. We will see a repeat of Colby’s stupid play from last year. Rather than playing to win, the others will allow their personal feelings about Lex to interfere with their rational minds. They will vote him off before the final two. Ethan, however, will also go because he is simply too likeable, and because he has violated his vegetarian creed, so Mother Africa (no, not Linda, the real Mother Africa) will take her revenge on him. This will leave Kim and Tom in the finals.

Some psychics read tea leaves. However, I have mastered another form of reading that doesn’t often come in very handy, but has here. I read corn mush. And throughout the series, I have had ample opportunity to freeze the picture on the corn mush and do thorough readings. Tom’s mush shows that he has a long and prosperous life ahead of him – prosperous being the key here. Kim has a lot of life ahead of her, but it will not involve a million dollars.

The conclusion is obvious. Tom will win.

But I have another who wishes to allow her voice to be heard. My familiar, Cleopatra the Cat (so named because she is, indeed, the reincarnation of the Queen, but it’s no coincidence that Miss Cleo stole her name), has been calling out to me to let her provide her picks. Now, you have to remember that, although she was once human, she is now a cat. As such, she thinks with her stomach a lot. In this case, she is thinking with the stomachs of her cousins, the lions that have been wandering around camp occasionally (again, this is no coincidence – Cleo called out to them psychically to go check the place out).

Cleo has said that Kim, Ethan, and Tom are all lion food. In other words, they are toast. She says Lex will be the winner, in part because he is much too stringy to eat. Plus the tattoos might give a bad after-taste. Hey, you might argue with her, but considering that her pals are a lot bigger and have sharp teeth, I’m not going to.

So, the corn mush says Tom will win. The lions say it will be Lex. So we have spoken, so shall it be.

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