Survivor Psyche, Final Episode: (L)Exes, Old Goats, and Nice Guys

Even though Survivor: Africa is over, you can still order Survivor III, the Diary, by Mark Burnett.

The final episode of Survivor: Africa opens with the “final four” – Lex, Tom, Ethan, and Kim – congratulating each other after returning to the compound from the last Tribal Council. Lex (of course) is the first to let us know how he feels. His “emotions are all over the map” since Teresa revealed that she was the mystery vote, and implicated old buddy Tom as the one who influenced her. Lex quickly pulls Kim and Ethan into a conspiratorial huddle when Pa falls asleep in the tent. Kim explains to the camera how all this is so “upsetting” to her boy Lex. Mom warns Lex how Tom tried to undermine her loyalty twice before. This is all too much for Lex’s inflated ego and launches into full berserker mode again. Lex assures Ethan that he will take Tom to the woodpile in the morning and “make him shake on it.”

Kim wakes up in the morning exulting that she is still around. But Lex must speak. “But more now than ever, our brains are focused on, ‘is anyone trying to burn me.’” In The World According to Lex, he assumes that he speaks for the entire tribe, and everyone else is equally fascinated with him, him, him, and his every thought. Lex describes his Spanish Inquisition strike on Tom as trying to “find the truth.” It’s a good thing there aren’t any Iron Maidens out in the bush or Tom would be pissing beer from more than one orifice. Tom “absolutely” denies that he told Teresa that Lex was not to be trusted, but admits that he told Ma she could vote for him. Tom tells the camera, “If you’re gonna run in the front of the pack with the white horse, you’re gonna be shot at.” Duh, of course, we know that, it’s Lex who thinks the world revolves around his skinny tattooed self.

The big dogs wrangle. Tom says his “loyalty has not quavered.” Hyper Lex yells that “no one carried me, no one saved me!” in a typical ego-driven tirade. Lex tries to force Tom to shake hands on their alliance again, but Tom refuses, saying that he’s already shaken once and that’s good enough.

Lex gives his version of the exchange to little brother Ethan, and tries to get him to promise to vote off Pa. This is too much for loyal Ethan. He turns away, saying he’s “not willing to dissolve the original pact.” (Is this evidence that they were going to vote off Kim next?)

The tribe decides to take a break from their relentless snipe hunt, and take Buster the Boil for a final airing. They climb the rocky cliffs near their compound and “Zen out for awhile.” Grand Master Lex assumes his soapbox again as he looks over his domain, “You can’t help but [come up here and] think about stuff.” Kim muses over her chances at winning the next Immunity Challenges. “No one would be happier than me if I could pull it off and buy myself another day or two here.” The field trip ends with one last harangue from Lex. “Dammit, I am gonna walk away with that prize!”

Immunity Challenge No. 1: “If Your Memory Lacks Retention.” The tribe realizes that it’s Survivor Trivia Time again, and the guys desperately try to remember all the social trivia about their former tribemates. “Now, what was Frank’s kids’ names? Hunter Sage, something, something?” Lex worries that Kim has “a really good chance to win this challenge,” because she has a “good mind for facts and takes a genuine interest in everybody.” It’s a woman thing, Lex.

The final four assemble at Tribal Council. Probst asks Lex, Tom, Kim, and Ethan “how much listening have you really done.” He says that the game is all about relationships and the final vote will come down to the relationships they have formed with the members of the jury.

• Question 1: What is Frank’s rank? Staff Sergeant. No winners.
• Question 2: Who “manipulates men?” Kelly. All win.
• Question 3: Whose arrow hit first? Lindsey. Tom wins.
• Question 4: Whose kids are in the picture? Teresa. Everyone wins.
• Question 5: Where does Jessie live? Orlando, Florida. Everyone wins.
• Question 6: Who has a spider tattoo? Brandon, on his back. Kim and Lex win both points. Ethan and Tom win one.
• Question 7: Who are Sage Hunter and Jocelyn Rose? Frank’s kids. Everyone wins.
• Question 8: Which female has nothing pierced? Kelly. Kim wins the challenge.

Kim shakes her head in happy disbelief. But, it’s time to vote off a family member. Mom and the boys gang up on Pa, and Tom is out of the game and the big prize money. Kim tells the camera that Tom was “playing that manipulating game and it just doesn’t cut it with me.” A distraught Ethan says he “had no prayer of beating” Tom against a jury. He tearfully tells Tom “you carried me all the way.”

Tom tells Probst, “Goodbye dear, thank you,” as he leaves the game. In his exit speech, Tom thanks Lex and Ethan for their alliance with him and ends with a good hillbilly-hippie quote “Love, peace and hair grease.”

Day 38, 4:30 a.m. Probst arrives at the sleeping Moto Maji boma by torchlight. “Let’s go,” he carols. Lex, Kim, and Ethan stagger to their feet and quickly slap on happy grins. “Come on in buddy!” Anxious mom Kim inquires of Lex how his night was. Turns out Lex took many a trip to the bushes during the night. “I had the shits all night!” he exclaims. He proceeds to tell Probst all about how his gut has betrayed him, and must die, die, die!

Step right up, boys and girls, and see the great Narcissmo erupt into a flaming pillar of bile as his poor abused gut self-destructs. See Narcissmo, as shoots a flaming rocket from his ass. Hail Narcissmo! Sideshow freak, super carnival geek, and talking head speak! (Insert calliope music here.)

It’s a road trip complete with torches, which Probst explains as a “Samburu Rite of Passage.” In the epic style that Burnett lives for, we see Mama bear and her cubs walking north between fires to the east and west, never looking back. They walk between two rows of Masai elders, who use sticks to invoke spirits to bless the penitents and ask for forgiveness for any wrongdoing they may have done to others. Lex’s face is a comical study in “who me?” innocence. (You can almost hear Kelly screeching vindictively on the wind “I’ve been betraaaaaayed!!”) The pilgrims are also instructed to reflect on what they need to do to get through the last two days. (Let’s see, win immunity challenge, check. Vote out Lex. Check. Win a million, check. Hire an agent, check.) Lex, Ethan, and Kim follow a trail marked by the staffs of their ousted tribemates. Probst tells them that they will be anointed with ceremonial goat grease and blood, and to just “give yourselves over to the experience.” The goat grease and blood look more like greasy rouge that the Samburu elders daub on their cheekbones. (We were feeling sorry for fastidious Kim at the thought of goat blood all over her spanking clean khaki shirt. It could have been worse, she could have looked like Carrie in the prom scene.) The ceremony ends with Lex, Ethan, and Kim leaping and bobbing along with the Masai. (Frank would have been proud.)

Immunity Challenge No. 2: “Willpower.” One hand on the idol, and each foot on a stump. Who fares better in a challenge like this? The tall, lanky young guys, or a compact, sinewy woman of mature years? To the surprise of many, mostly young whippersnappers, both Ethan and Lex collapse and fall off their stumps and grandma Kim is the victor! One look at Kim’s calm and composed face as she took her position at the idol would tell you who would win this challenge. Kim also took advantage of her sunbathing experiences at her beach house by imagining she was “roasting in the sun with a planter’s punch” at her side. Lex’s defeat is brought on by the relentless abuse of his helpless digestive organ, which turned on him in the night.

An elated Kim explains on their way back to the compound that she didn’t win because of luck or being nice. “Dreams come true,” she sighs. But chores wait for no mom. At lunchtime, Kim, Lex, and Ethan fall back into their old roles. “Let’s go,” calls mom, as she dishes up the grits. The boys chorus that they’re “glad to be here.” After dinner, Lex and Ethan shake and declare how “proud” they are of each other. Lex admits “It’s all up to Mama Cat.”

The boys are in a fret as they approach ma to see who will be her “best boy.” After successfully voting off Pa, Oedipus Lex turns his attention to mom, and the schmooze-fest begins. “But, I love you both equally.” she insists. Lex can’t resist one more pompous pronouncement, “It’s a bittersweet victory with a lot of responsibility,” he warns Kim.

Tribal Council: “And Then There Were Three.” Probst tactfully reminds the victorious Kim that she’s 56-years-old and a grandma! When asked if she’s made up her mind which of her boys to keep, Ma replies that she still doesn’t know. Lex and Ethan are overcome with emotion at this point, and urge her to “vote her heart,” and “do what makes her feel good inside.” It’s too much to bear. Kim (aka Rosemary) stumbles to the voting stand, clasping her hands to her heart and muttering, “Please forgive me,” as she casts out her evil, no-good spawn of the devil son, Lex. Master Calculator Probst reminds everyone that there’s only one vote now and shows Lex his fate, as Americans everywhere cheer. Kim whispers, “I’m sorry; It’s OK,” as Lex hugs them both goodbye. A stricken Ethan slumps on her breast as Ma wipes tears from her eyes. “I know I did the right thing, I know I did the right thing,” Kim chants to herself as she and Ethan walk back to their little house on the Savannah.

Final Day. Kim indulges in a victorious morning stretch. “I relish being at the end here with Ethan.” “Today is a very good day,” agrees Ethan. Kim explains how she, like Solomon, made her decision. “I felt that Lex thought he deserved it. I’m not so sure that Ethan felt he deserved it, and maybe that’s what made the decision easier for me.”

Mom and son perform the final ritual “cross of” on the water tower and add their initials for good measure. Then it’s time to pack up and head off to face the jury. We get a few last shots of the abandoned compound, which looks like a ghost town already. Ethan says that he’ll probably get the “guy” votes, Kim will get the “girl” ones, and Brandon will be the “swing vote.” (Remember your Sesame Street and sing along with us, “One of these things is not like the others . . .”) Mama bear and baby bear pack light, and the camera focuses on their forlorn, dumpy campground. The spirits of the jury hover over the intrepid final two as they march toward their fate and make their pronouncements. Kim Powers says that it’s interesting that “the introvert and the oldest person are the two left.” Not surprisingly, Kelly gives us a hint of things to come. “I just want to see them squirm; I wanna see fireworks because I’ve been waiting for a really long time.”

The Final Tribal Council: Ethan and Kim enter and take their seats in front of the jury. Probst tells them they can address the jury for the last time. Kim says that everyone made her “feel young, important, and the best she could be.” Ethan says he wanted to “go home with integrity and to prove that good honest people can get far in the game.”

Then it’s time for the questions. Brandon is up first, and immediately peeves, “I don’t know who liked me the best, but no one liked me enough to keep me around 3 days longer than Frank, so you couldn’t like me that much.” Then he gets around to the actual question, “Which of the seven would you most like to see sitting there?” They both answer Lex. “Who deserved to sit up there the least?” Ethan bluntly answers, “You.” Kim picks Tom, to his obvious startlement, saying, “He was not so in favor of women at the end.” (His attitude just went to hell when his harem split.)

Lex is next and asks what is the first “selfless act” they will perform when they get back home. Kim says she was very touched by the AIDS patients at the Womba Hospital and wants to help them. Ethan says he was also touched by kids he met in Africa at the Womba Village and wants to start an inner-city soccer league.

Frank frames his question in the form of an African metaphor concerning the “big five” animals. He asks Kim and Ethan what five attributes they think are the most important strengths for Survivor players. Kim and Ethan quickly list the truisms they will be using for years to come in their Motivational Seminars. Kim gives very female-oriented answers along the lines of “peace, love, and understanding.” Ethan gave very male-oriented answers along the lines of “strength, integrity, and justice for all.”

Now it’s Maleficent’s turn. Kelly says, “I’ve had 15 days to sit here and think about who was gonna be across from me on this big night. I had hoped to see you guys on this side of things with me.” Then her composure starts to crack. “Kim, I was surprised and disappointed, (gulp) by your conduct. But -- you did do some great things too, you gave me something that I’ve been wanting and that was give Lex the chance to take the ‘walk of shame.’” (Cut to Rasputin.) So, thank you for that. Though you totally sold me out, I admire you for everything you’ve done. But, I hope you know that part of your success tonight comes at my expense. If you think you did this with high integrity, don’t flatter yourself. Then we have Ethan. I’ve had to sit there a long time and listen to what Jeff said about this game’s about relationships and I certainly didn’t see you try to make one with me. Hence, my dilemma. You guys gotta pick a number between 1 and 1,000.” Kim picks 3. Ethan picks 888.

Kim P. is next and says that she learned something about herself from people like Tom and Frank that she would never have had the opportunity to learn from. She asks Ethan and Kim, “who on the jury did they learn the most about themselves from and why?” Kim answers, “you.” She says she (Kim Powers) showed a lot of courage when she broke off her wedding and when she bounced back after the betrayal of a friend (Brandon). “You were a forgiver,” she says. Kim J. takes aim at Pa again, and says, she “had a lot of laughs but didn’t learn a lot.” Ethan says he learned the most from Teresa. She was a “safe place in the game” and had a lot of will power. He admits that he learned the least from Kelly because he “didn’t take time” to get to know her.

Tom can’t resist playing for the camera one last time, with a long drawn-out speechification, focusing on his favorite body part. “If a hyena eat our mush, and after he eat it he turned around and licked his hind-end; did he do it because that it was a animal instinct, or because to get the taste of the mush out of his mouth?” Ethan has collapsed in laughter by the end of this ramble, but manages to respond that “If I was a hyena, it would be to clean my hind end.” Kim launches into a ludicrous school-marm type response, along the lines of what hyenas do, why they do it, etc., etc. Ethan is helpless with laughter by the time she winds down.

Teresa asks them “what they would take back about any of the jurors?” Kim says she didn’t say anything she’d take back, but she regrets how she treated Kelly. She launches into another long ramble about how she “didn’t know enough to go to her defense,” “it all happened so fast,” etc., etc., blah, blah. Ethan’s explanation concerning Kelly vs. Lex’s gut debacle is that he thought the “mystery vote” came from Frank, and had unfairly suspected him.

Then it’s time to vote. Brandon votes for Kim. The little ferret manages to get in one more jab before his time in the sun is over, saying that Ethan was “stupid” to say Brandon was the least deserving. Brandon also admits that his question was contrived solely to “get at” Frank one last time.

Frank votes Ethan. Teresa votes for Ethan. Lex votes for Ethan. Kim Powers votes for Kim Johnson. Kelly votes for Ethan. Tom votes for Ethan and gets in one more scold,” saying Kim behaved “just like a woman; stick a knife in ma back.” He rambles on that she’s rich, doesn’t deserve to win, he kept the weakest one, etc., etc. The old goat winds up by muttering “Ah’m not whispering. Hush, shut up. Ah don’t care if you did hear it.” (Tom can’t wait to get back to the world of willing women, big bath tubs, and plenty of hot toddies.)

Kelly explains that her question had to do with her favorite movie The Graduate. The room number in the move was “568” hence Ethan’s winning guess of 888.

Probst tallies the votes and Ethan Zohn, Survivor sweetheart, is the winner! All of America breathes a sigh of relief that Kim dumped her black sheep son Lex, and now our dreamboat Ethan comes home richer by a cool million. Nice guys do finish first, at least on T.V.

Well folks, it’s been a gas (and not just for Lex), but Melinda and Suzanne are going to take a break and enjoy some time away from the keyboard. Suzanne is strongly considering covering Survivor 4 again for RNO, but only time will tell. Melinda will have her nose in a book, somewhere in the house where no one can find her.

Melinda Smith is a technical illustrator and writer with a background in graphic arts. She and her family live in Cincinnati, Ohio. Her sister, Suzanne Tromblay, is a licensed social worker with the State of Ohio.

Even though Survivor: Africa is over, you can still order Survivor III, the Diary, by Mark Burnett.

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