Combat Missions, Episode 1: Tank Attack!

Makes sure you check out our Combat Missions preview article if you missed it before.

What the hell was I thinking? Oh sure, I had high hopes, but this show is just to damn cheesy for me. Oh well, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. But if Combat Missions isn't the thing for you, check out Stablewars.com for some cool professional wrestling themed games.

The show starts off with the announcer saying what the show is about. The rules are laid down. In the end, one team will win and one player will be declared the ultimate winner. Thirty-Nine Days, Sixteen People, One Sur... oh wait, wrong show.

Colonel Rudy shows up to tell the team about himself without dropping the words "Survivor" or "alliance" or "Queer." He then lets them know how the game will work. Today, it's Team Bravo vs. Team Clank. Next week it's obviously Alpha vs. Delta. The teams will be blowing up a tank this week, but for now, they need to go to their tents. Team Clank uses the downtime to introduce themselves and to elect a team leader. Ed, the 51-year-old guy on their team, wins the honor. Cut to team Bravo, where one of the players, Dexter, calls the other members of his team names. Way to win them over, champ! Someone at team Bravo points out that there are four SWAT team guys on the team, making him and the other non-SWAT the odd men out. Just one look at his face leaves no doubt: He's screwed, and he knows it.

Before today's challenge, Bravo and Clank have to run three miles. Jody of team Bravo says that he hasn't run three miles since 1984. Don't worry Jody, neither have I. And since three miles is never enough for the military, now they have to run around the base twice wearing the FIFTY-POUND BAGS OF DEATH on their back. Jody is quite possibly dead at this point, but since he is the focal point of this episode, they make his dead-rotting corpse do pull-ups just to torture him. A teammate declares him the Weakest Link, but thankfully USA cuts to a commercial before he can say "goodbye."

The great thing about reading recaps is that you don't have to sit through commercials. By the way, visit Stablewars.com! Oh yeah, and buy all the crap David is trying to shill. Just look to the right of your monitor... yeah, that's the spot. See that crap? Buy it. Or he'll beat me. [Editor’s Note: And don’t forget The Book of Rudy: The Wit and Wisdom of Rudy Boesch, by the host of this show.]

We're back, and hopefully you saved me some bruises by buying Mark Burnett's Survivor 3 Diary. The teams are briefed on what they must do today. They have to blow up a tank and then wait for a helicopter to pick them up. And, oh yes, by the way, you have to complete a challenge before today's game. They have to carry a 500lb log around until someone drops it. The winning team gets twenty-five points. The losing team gets the Survivor 2 DVD. Teams are more motivated now then ever to win. Every 15 minutes, one member of each team will stop carrying the log. Nothing of note happens until just after 47 minutes, at which point team Clank drops the log. Three members of team Clank attempt suicide but learn that the guns don't really shoot ammo. Team Bravo leaves as the winners of the challenge, while team Clank decides to hit the local bar...

Wait just a second? A bar? Indeed, it would not be a Mark Burnett show unless alcohol was served at some point. And instead of offering it at a reward challenge, they just said "fudge it" and built a bar on the base, called the Snake Pit. The bartenders are two women whom I believe moonlight as Juggies on the Man Show. Speaking of crappy shows, Combat Missions will be back after this commercial break.

We're back to face the wit-and-wisdom of Rudy Boesch. It seems he's worked with John of team Clank before. According to Rudy, John is in bad shape. Not only is he in bad shape, but he's got a ponytail, for Christ's sake! Rudy declares that when John loses, it will be the ponytail's fault. Meanwhile, a contestant on ABC's The Chair had a ponytail, making this an obvious case of copyright infringement. Litigation is pending.

FINALLY it's time for someone, anyone, to face the Tank. Each team will face the Tank separately. They must blow up the Tank while avoiding being shot by the bad guys, the SHADOW SQUAD! Yes, the bad guys are named the Shadow Squad. What is this? A cartoon? The Shadow Squad? Actually, I half expected the bad guys to be named Cobra. YOOOOO JOE!

Team Clank is up first. John's ponytail leads the charge, immediately followed by John himself, who makes the first kill. Justin Young, the Marine Recon, shows his death-defying skills by being shot about five seconds into the mission. By the way, they aren't using real ammo, but lasers. So yes, this show is basically Laser Tag on steroids when it boils down to it. Another one bites the dust as Ozzie dies. Before I can crack another horrible joke, Ken Greeves falls dead. And just when I think it's safe to make a joke, Jeff dies. These are our elite guys who are being picked off at ease here, mind you. Meanwhile, John is a cold-blooded killing machine, and has racked up four kills. He plants the bomb under the tank, and then dies. Was he shot, or was he strangled by the ponytail? Only God knows. Ed, the oldest guy on the show, is the sole survivor when the bomb blows up at 36 minutes. Mission Accomplished. And now it's time for some commercials. [Editor’s Note: Sorry, I’m all out of promo slots. Oh, wait, you meant commercials on the show. Never mind.]

Here we go again, and now it's Bravo's turn. Jody whines that SWAT Team guys don't do missions like this. Jeff "The Magnet" Byers proves how he got his nickname by attracting a bullet right off the bat. And I do mean right off the bat. Those SEAL skills are coming in handy. Guys are dying left on right on team Bravo, so fast that I can't even keep up with it. Jody makes the first kill for his team. Two more guys die. But they weren't important to the storyline this episode: It's all Jody. He kills off some of the Shadow Squad while Dexter plants the bomb for the win at 31 minutes. Jody finished with seven kills. Commercial break time.

We're back, and the results are in: Clank had 570 points, and Bravo had... more then that. Bravo wins. Clank has ten minutes before they have to vote someone out. Two guys on the team want to vote, the others want to draw swords. You see, in Mark Burnett's world, drawing straws isn't enough... you've got to draw SWORDS. And the person who gets the one with the RED TIP is the person who is voted out. If you can't see the joke coming a mile away, then you are likely asleep. Thankfully, the show is almost over. But not before some more commercials.

Finally the time has come. Rudy passes out the ballots. And... nobody votes. So they decide to draw swords. Jeff Everage draws the RED-TIPPED-POINTY-STEEL-SHAFT OF DOOM and is out of the game. Someone points out how ironic it is that he got eliminated, because he was one of the two guys who didn't want to draw swords. Now, it's time to select someone to replace him. They choose Wil Wong, whom Ozzie has worked with before. End of show.

Next week: Alpha vs. Delta... who will blow up the Tank? Who will just blow?

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