Combat Missions, Episode 2: Tank Attack, Take Two

The show opens with Rudy announcing this week that it's Alpha vs. Delta in the Tank Takeout. Rudy does a much better job this week, because he actually speaks in a clear voice and doesn't start to draw off at the end of every sentence.

Cut to Delta, where everyone is oozing in confidence. That is, of course, until Delta Squad member Rod wants to actually, you know, talk strategy and everything. The problem is that the mission hasn't even been assigned yet, so everyone gets mad at him. Harsh words are exchanged between Rod and John Winn. This entire time, Alpha does nothing of note, except for boast in confidence.

Like last week, each team has do a challenge to earn some extra points. Instead of LOG CARRY HELL, this week teams have to jump off a helicopter into a large, muddy glass of ice water while wearing a 50 pound ACME brand anvil strapped to their back. Or something like that. First team to make it to a raft and then paddle the rest of the way across the lake wins the challenge. Delta can't work as a team and they fall behind. Alpha does nothing of note, except for win the boring game and an extra fifty points in the process.

In preparation for the mission, both teams get weapons training. Nothing of note happens. Alpha then spends the rest of the night prepping the SWAT Team guys on their team in how the military does things. Delta actually does a full blown rehearsal, much to Rudy's delight.

Delta faces the Tank first. The team sets a new Combat Missions record by making it over a full minute without anyone on their team dying. The SHADOW SQUAD (cue the evil DUN-DUN-DUN drum roll) tries to ambush them, but they are quickly swatted away by a SWAT team guy. Get it? Swatted by a SWAT Team guy? Where do I come up with this stuff? John, the guy who didn't need to plan anything, drops dead after being picked off by someone on the SHADOW SQUAD (DUN-DUN-DUN). Yep, that's the way to show them how butch you are John, you stud. Rod, god bless him, is actually the team leader of these losers, and tries to assault the tank. Unfortunately, those damn Vietnam Flashbacks get the better of him, and he forgets that he doesn't have the bomb with him. Of course, that doesn't stop him from screaming "THERE'S CHARLIES ALL AROUND US!"

You know, I never liked that particular slang term for anyone oriental. Charlies. Honest to god, one time I was at a basketball court playing ball, and this Chinese guy came up to me and we started to shoot around. After we were done, he came up to shake my hand and said his name. So I said, "Hi, I'm Charlie." The guy threw my ball completely out of the park and flipped me the bird. I don't know whether or not I should be angry at the government, Hollywood, or my parents for that one.

Oh yeah, the show. Well, when Rod arrives at the Tank, he kills the SHADOW SQUAD (DUN-DUN-DUN) guys that are in the tank, and then reaches for a bomb that isn't there. Meanwhile, his team is screaming profanities at him, but he's to busy trying to create a bomb using dirt and pieces of tinfoil that he used to wrap his tuna sandwich in. Finally, a buzzing admits from his suit. "Whoa, this sh** worked! HEY GUYS, I CREATED A BOMB OUT OF DIRT! WHO WANTS TO TOUCH ME?" Someone on his team is kind enough to scream back "THAT MEANS YOU'RE DEAD YOU DUMB ***!" Meanwhile, this guy whose last name is Nutter takes out two members of... wait for it... THE SHADOW SQUAD (DUN-DUN-DUN) before he too is killed. Nutter's first name is Rodney. It would be funnier if his first name was Dan. That would make him D. Nutter. Denutter. Get it? I'm a roll now. Finally, Garth takes the real bomb and places it under the Tank, which blows up at roughly 36 minutes. Baz, Garth, and Denutter (ha) are the survivors. Lots of bickering between members, and everyone is mad at Rod and his "John Wayne Tactics." He takes full responsibility.

Well pilgrims, Alpha is up. They run up, place the bomb under the Tank, and it blows up at about 18 minutes. What the hell was that? Where was the SHADOW SQUAD (DUN-DUN-DUN) at? The team casually strolls to the finish line when the SHADOW SQUAD (DUN-DUN-DUN) make a surprise ambush and somehow four bad guys take at five Alpha guys at the same time. Even stranger, Scott Oates somehow takes out the four SHADOW SQUAD (DUN-DUN-DUN) guys all by himself. At 22 Minutes, the mission ends and he is the only survivor. Rudy says that losing five guys in a mission would be pathetic failure of a mission. Notice how he didn't say that when team Clank lost five guys during episode one. Somebody is playing favorites.

The results: Alpha 690, Delta 695. Alpha lost by a single minute. It's time to vote. And vote they shall, because Alpha has no need for the RED-TIPPED STEEL POINTY SHAFT OF DEATH. Everyone votes, and Rudy reads the ballots. SWAT Teamer Chris Pate gets all four votes that Rudy reads and is out of the game. Listen closely and you can hear Mark Burnett scream "NO YOU OLD FART, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO RIG IT SO YOU CAN HEAR WHO ELSE GOT VOTED FOR!" Harold Zundel is chosen to replace Chris, because he's a former Navy SEAL and because Dan O'Shea of Alpha has worked with him before. Dan O'Shea... where have I heard that name before. Ah yes, that was the name of Rick Moranis' character in the football movie "Little Giants." The show ends with a 5 1/2 hour commercial for Combat Missions, which is hilarious because they show what happens next week, and the announcer somberly tells everyone that there is going to be a rip-off of the giant Q-Tip fighting game from American Gladiators in episode 3, but then he perks up when he says, "BUT IN COMING WEEKS..." It's almost like conceding, "Yes, the show sucks. Maybe the next few episodes will be better. We might even use live ammo and chemical warfare if you stick around! Please, we have children!" End of show, end of recap.

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