Combat Missions, Episodes 4 & 5: Losers and Winners

It's a two-in-one special this week. First up, episode 4 from February 6.

Episode 4: What a bunch of Losers

In Episode 4, it was Clank vs. Alpha in the battle of the winless teams. One team would walk away with a .500 record. The other team would walk away with a new team member. Clank team leader Ed notes that Clank is made up of old guys, but all that means is more experience. Experience in what? Passing kidney stones? Alpha also has self-confidence. Seems like this is the same thing I write a down at the beginning of each episode's recap. "Blah Blah, each team will win, blah blah." Of course, this show has little to no room for character development. Stay tuned, a full rant is coming soon to RealityNewsOnline.

The training exercise for the day: The Grid. This time around, instead of using pillows, they are using Giant Q-Tips not unlike those used in the Joust event from American Gladiators. Now THAT was a good show. A show worthy of a retro review from someone other then me on the RNO staff. Hey, I'm a busy guy! Faster then I can type this line, Alpha knocks off all the old timers from team Clank and wins the challenge and 75 points. Hilarious for all the wrong reasons. Clank member Justin has a bloody nose afterwards and proceeds to flirt with the camp medic, Heather. She also doubles as the camp barber and gives Rudy a buzz cut. Yes, this is ACTION on USA Network.

The mission this week is the same as Episode 3, so read the Episode 3 recap if you don't know what episode 3 is about. By reading the episode 3 recap, you also increase the number of page views RNO will receive, and thus make our site more profitable [Editor’s Note: Although it helps more if you click on ads and buy stuff]. I'm willing to bet at least one link to the Episode 3 recap has been made at this point by David... hell, maybe two or three have been made to Episode 3's recap.

Now, just so you feel silly for going back and checking to see what Episode 3's challenge was all about, I will remind you what mission they did in Episode 3. In Episode 3, the teams had to rescue a prisoner being transported in a truck with a "13" on it. Bravo paid attention in Episode 3 and actually waited for truck #23 to pass, while the idiots of team Delta assaulted the wrong truck in Episode 3. Will Clank and Alpha follow suit and do bad like Delta did in Episode 3? Well...

Alpha goes first. They were going to wait for the #13 truck, but the guards at the check point saw them move into position and all hell broke loose, as Shadow Squad members in the #23 truck engage Alpha. Fortunately for Alpha, they can actually fire their guns correctly, and they suffer only one loss as the #13 truck with the prisoner approaches. With most of the Shadow Squad guys already dead, they easily pick off the two or three guards in truck #13 and rescue the prisoner with no casualties, except for Mark Jackson, at about 20 minutes. Not bad at all.

Clank is up. They try to engage the #13 truck at the checkpoint, but the guards spot them and engage them. Three members of Clank go down quickly while the so-called Team Leader and resident coward Ed keeps his sweet distance. After the mission, someone on Clank noted that Ed does in fact keep his distance so that he doesn't get killed. Potter of Clank is shot right before truck #13 arrives. By this time, most of the Shadow Squad has been wiped out. Wil Wong and Ed pick off the remaining guards. They rescue the prisoner and the mission ends at 38 minutes. No doubt who's won this one.

Indeed, Alpha wins. Clank's Potter is pissed off big time at team leader Ed, but since Ed is the oldest, by definition he must be the best. I always loved that logic. Team members agree, and Potter is voted off, making me sick to my stomach. Ex-Navy SEAL Cade Courtley becomes the new member of Clank.

Week 5 on Combat Missions... is right below.

Episode 5: The show that didn't suck

It's Clank vs. Delta this go around. Delta, who lost its team leader in episode 3, selects Baz as the new team leader. Teams ooze confidence, blah blah blah, rinse and repeat.

The training exercise this week is a dandy. Teams must make their way across a rope bridge and then swim in the freezing cold lake. It's so cold outside that you can see everyone's breath. Additionally, the water is 50 degrees, so this is basically torture. Clank's Wong and Crenshaw can't swim very well, so they are very worried about being liabilities. Indeed, both teams make it across the bridge okay, but then Crenshaw starts to drown about three seconds after jumping into the water. Rudy, in a moment of true concern, mumbles, "Someone is in trouble out there," with the same passion in his voice as when he said "Me and Richard got to be pretty close friends... but not in a homosexual way that's for sure." Bugarin quickly goes to save Crenshaw, but, like any lifeguard knows, when you try to save a drowning person, they tend to pull you under with them. Thankfully, Crenshaw doesn't put up much of a fight, and they pull him out of the water. Meanwhile, Delta has won the event and 50 points.

I joke on Rudy a lot, but I have a lot of respect for him. That's why I find it somewhat sad that the man has been involved in a grand total of two reality TV shows and he's had to deal with a grand total of two annoying naked guys. Delta's Rodney Nutter has been whipping his penis out and flashing cameramen, and basically making an ass of himself. Rudy calls him into his office and offers to gather all the contestants up and let him flash them all. I half expected him to take the offer, but he declines it. Rudy tells him not to do it anymore. Yes folks, this is real G.I. Joe style military action at it's best here.

Time for the Mission, and this one doesn't look too bad: A local TV anchorwoman has been taken hostage by a group of men armed with AK-47s. She has been shot in the leg, and is now being held inside an apartment complex. The squads are told they are free to shoot to kill any suspects, but be careful, because there are many innocent people in the building who have the laser tag gear on too, and if they get shot it's a 50 point penalty. Rescue the reporter and get out.

Clank is first. Ed makes Crenshaw the temporary captain of the team. Justin acts as the team's lookout, and picks off a sniper. The team enters the building and makes their way to the room where two suspects are holding the hostage. One suspect is subdued, while the other escapes with the hostage, killing Wil Wong on the way out. They catch up to the suspect and subdue him, and start to escape with the hostage. They radio Justin, who makes his way to a second observation point. The team makes it to the final staircase, which is outside, and then a Shadow Squad sniper picks off three more members of the team, leaving only Young and Crenshaw. Young finally kills the sniper and finishes the mission with Crenshaw at about ten minutes. The Clank team is proud. Now, I would assume that having four people die to save one person would be considered a failure of a mission, but they are America's elite (har har) and know what they are doing. Crenshaw, a SWAT cop, notes that this mission was just like the real thing.

Delta is up. They do all the stuff Clank did in pretty much the same order, but they miss out on the four people dying part. Instead, they rescue the hostage and escape a close fire-fight with the sniper. The mission ends at 17 minutes with nobody on the team dead. That, my friends, is a successful mission: sacrificing nobody to save someone.

Clank just plain stinks, and they are informed that they've lost yet again. I half expect them to vote out Crenshaw because he almost drowned and because he wasn't able to lead the team. Instead, Clank grows a brain and votes out the completely worthless Ed. Being told that after today they can never replace anyone again, they select ex-Marine Recon Jonathan Weber.

End of Show, end of Recap.

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