Combat Missions, Episode 6: Serve, Protect, and Cheat Like MoFos!

Well, after watching the Glutton Bowl, anything looks better in comparison.

Alpha vs. Bravo this week. Again, it's the Urban Hostage rescue thing from episode five. But this time around, Bravo, which is made up mostly of SWAT cops, clearly has an advantage. Thank god for that, because instead of the usual "Our team is so great, our team will kick ass" dialog that is the norm, Alpha actually admits that they are in trouble. They have NO idea. Meanwhile, Bravo is so great, and they will kick ass, or something like that.

Who would have ever thought Bravo, made up mostly of non-military guys, would be the best team in the bunch at this point? Doesn't surprise me at all, since nobody gives the police the credit they deserve. Hell, even Alpha's Dan O'Shea knows that they are the best, and makes frequent visits to Bravo's tent. Just to talk, not to spy or anything. They trust him. Just like a trust my creepy neighbor with the lazy eye. I swear, that guy is plotting something against me. Meanwhile, Jody "Star of Combat Missions" Taylor, who gets about 50% of the airtime when Bravo competes, is stuck in his own world, called "Jody's World." He just doesn't mix well and needs his time off. Nothing wrong with that, just ask Kel Gleason.

Next up, a point scoring challenge using the old fashioned military obstacle course. Among the different checkpoints are a wall climb, a rope climb, running up a very steep hill, and falling down a cargo net. With the exception of Jody Taylor complaining about the entire experience, nothing of note happens until they get to the cargo net, at which point Jody nearly breaks his neck, doing a forward roll off the top of the cargo net, losing control, and then falling head first for about five feet. Ouch.

After receiving a mission briefing, the teams plan on how to handle the mission. The SWAT cops of Bravo know exactly what to do, and plan out every little detail. They certainly look tough to beat. So tough, in fact, that Alpha openly discusses pulling a rather stupid stunt. During the mission briefing, someone asked if the hostage would be wearing the laser tag equipment. The answer was an obvious yes. Alpha member Dan O'Shea thinks they can get away with covering up the laser tag censors with a poncho.

Hold on here... this is supposed to be a simulation of real-life combat situations. Honestly, did anyone on Alpha stop and think, "Hey, if this was real life, that damn poncho wouldn't stop a real bullet!" To cover their soon-to-be blatant cheating, O'Shea says that he will just say that covering up a shooting victim is standard procedure. You just know that the producers caught wind of this and decided not to say anything to them. They honestly thought getting away with cheating would be so easy. And in my book, since they all heard about it, and since they didn't speak up, they are all equally guilty. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Bravo goes first. They enter the building and engage the kidnappers. They are handling things much more professionally then the other teams, based mostly on their SWAT background, and they rescue the hostage. Upon exiting, Bravo is caught off guard by the hidden sniper, and Jody Taylor bites the dust. But the Sniper is taken care of, and the mission ends at SIX MINUTES! Amazing.

Alpha is up, and nothing of note happens until the cheating begins. Once they rescue the hostage, they strap the poncho on her, and escape, smiling like the cat that swallowed the canary. They finish the mission with no fatalities. They think they've gotten away with it. Wrong. Sgt. Major Dever (aka the real host of the show) is VERY angry. Alpha tries very hard to cover its tracks, but instead of being men and admitting to it, they have no honor, and continue to make up lies about why they did it. Dever is mucho pissed now, and tells them that they lost 250 points. If that had not happened, Bravo would have lost for the first time. Instead, Bravo remains undefeated.

Alpha discusses who to vote off. Dan O'Shea, who was nearly crying after Dever was done with him, admits that he should be voted off since he was the team leader and he screwed up. Frank says that he wouldn't mind being voted off, even though he was the only one who didn't want to cheat and even though he wasn't actually in the building when the cheating began. But logic rarely comes into play, and the Navy SEALs on the team (four and counting) vote off Frank, who was a Green Beret, and select yet another SEAL to fill the gap. Less then a minute later, crybaby cheating specialist O'Shea says "Frank was redundant." Obviously Dan the Cheating Man has no idea what redundant means, because instead of picking up a non-SEAL, they picked up someone who would have no new skills to bring to the table. Thus, the new guy is redundant and O'Shea is a moron. End of Show, end of Recap.

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