No Boundaries, Episode #2: Sick and Tired

While watching Episode #2 last night, I realized two things: 1) I don’t have to recap this entire show moment-to-moment, because that’s the WB’s responsibility, and 2) it’s only episode #2, and I’m already bored.

Oh, wait – no, I’m still bored.

And it’s not that this show is boring, per se…but it’s entirely TOO MUCH LIKE SURVIVOR, and I don’t watch Survivor because it BORES me. (Call it a character flaw.)

So now I find myself extremely uninterested in conveying to you fine readers in great detail what happened on last night’s show…but since I’ve committed myself to reviewing it, here’s the gist.

The contestants row in a little boat out to a bigger boat. The host, Troy – who are we kidding, though, let’s call him Kermit – gives them a bunch of patches. Each person gets a patch to wear. Kirsten wants to wear “chocolate.”

Rob gets seasick.

They actually identify the guide! (I was intending on identifying her as “Useless” from this point on, but maybe they’re planning on giving her something to do now that they’ve distinctly pointed her out to us…but what the hell, I’ll still call her Useless.)

Rob passes out and falls down. John picks him up. Allen (the current fearless leader) sends Rob for medical attention.

Kermit tells the group that the patches they are wearing signify a reward item they will receive if they all complete the next event (the event being swimming 1 mile from the boat to shore in 51° water. Ooh, that’s chilly). There are two buoys along the way; at the first buoy, they inflate a raft. (Why? To up the difficulty factor, I suppose.) At the second buoy, Allen is permitted to rescue the eight “items” he feels are most vital in a rescue boat (not in the superfluous raft inflated earlier). He picks up everyone but Matt, Jesse, Stephanie, Rosie, and Kirsten. (This is the first time in my life where I have observed a circumstance in which it would suck to be chocolate.) Matt and Jesse bring in the raft – the three girls swim the rest of the way. Oh yeah, there was a time limit imposed upon them, so all five couldn’t come in on the raft because it would go too slow.

Stephanie made it in first, followed by Rosie and Kirsten, then Jesse & Matt bring in the raft. They get all of the gear.

Are you as enthralled as I was yet?

But wait – it doesn’t get better.

Allen says that he made his good decisions with the help of a “few intelligent people” in the group. (From my observations up to this point, that definition would not include Jesse, Kirsten, or Rosie.)

John feels ignored by Allen. Allen and Stephanie say that they were not surprised by Rob’s getting seasick because he’s afraid of water. Stephanie hints around that Rob has a tendency to be a real drama queen.

There’s a nice shot of Eli without his shirt on.

We get an update on Rob – he needs to rest for 48 hours before he rejoins the group. Allen decides, with the help of the rest of the happy campers, that Rob won’t be returning to the group. Allen passes it on to Kermit. An easy elimination ensues.

Now, just as I’m about to doze off, we get an obviously staged cliffhanger right before the commercial break. Allen returns to the group after pow-wowing with Kermit and announces that he’s been asked to make another elimination. Cut to commercial!

My roommate and I can’t wait for the show to continue. We are on the edge of our seats. (She’s throwing salt and vinegar potato chips at my head to keep me awake.) I go get some water, because if I have to pee badly enough through the rest of the show, I will surely not fall asleep.

We return to hear Allen’s declaration. Our hearts are pounding with anticipation as he chooses…Matt.

“Just kidding.” (Allen turns around and whispers to the production crew, “How was that? Was that good?”) NOTE: That did not actually happen on camera, I’m just indulging in a little pontification over here.

Matt recovers from his cardiac arrest. The production crew does a fly-by with Rob so that he can wave goodbye to his buddies. I hope he didn’t get airsick, too.

Okay, I’ll take this moment to interject. Rob got seasick, and although some of his teammates thought he may have overreacted, I would just like to say that there is no worse feeling in the world than that. Seasickness feels something like this: you feel like you’re about to projectile vomit your entire stomach through your ears. Think moving around will make you feel better? Just try it. Oh, wait – you CAN’T, because your equilibrium is gone. You fall down wherever you stand, and the added movement makes you feel…well, beyond nauseated, but that doesn’t even come close to describing it. Basically, you’re screwed until you’re back on land, and even then the nausea lasts for about a week afterwards. (What? No, I’ve never been seasick. Ahem.)

Poor Rob. I guess the games are just ending for you, pal, but you do have my utmost sympathy. (And that’s worth more than 100 grand and a Sport Trac any day, kiddo.)

The troops are now heading north on a five-mile hike. Jill thinks aloud, “what about the cougars, black bears, and grizzlies?” (Oh, my!) Todd states that he finds this to be a real learning and growing experience for him. Kelly gets attacked by a tree branch.

They finish the hike. Kermit is perched on a rock, ready to present the next event. (I think we just missed his final verse of “It’s Not Easy Being Green.” Damn.)

Useless hands out instructions for the next event!

It’s an individual reward event. If they complete it, headlamps will be doled out to the four mighty warriors of Allen’s choice. The event has something to do with measuring rope and hooking it on to clips around the perimeter…hell, I couldn’t have cared less, so I wasn’t paying attention. All I remember is that they had to get their measurements exact or they wouldn’t reach the final point and wouldn’t get the goodies.

The show’s best moment is here: Todd baffles Eli with a difficult math problem. “What’s 11 times 12? One hundred thirty-two, right?” Eli looks perplexed. Todd waits patiently for confirmation from Eli. Eli continues to look confused. Todd takes the rope from Eli and moves on.

My roommate and I are now giggling like idiots.

Ina and Eli are in charge of measuring. (Note to Eli: Let Ina take care of the counting.) Kirsten and Stephanie are working the compass. Kirsten bitches about Todd making her feel like she’s in school. (Note to Kirsten: aren’t you supposed to be in school right now? You’re what, 13? 14?) Jill notes that Kirsten refused her offer to help her use the compass that she didn’t know how to use, but was more than happy when one of the guys helped her; Jill is feeling ignored.

I’m feeling sleepy.

They get the measurements right. They get the reward. Yay. Allen gives the headlamps to Ina, Kirsten, Jesse, and Eli. (Eli gets his for “brain power.” Higher math not included.) That night the group plays “Two Truths and A Lie.” The most interesting part about it is that we find out that Rosie is a virgin. (This explains so much.)

Morning. Useless speaks again! (Maybe I’ll consider upgrading her to “somewhat handy”…nah.) She presents the contestants with a natural spa day.

There’s an even nicer shot of Eli soaping up in the river. (Note to editor: If you’re going to comment about my obvious shallowness – and I know you are – then you shouldn’t allow a single twenty-something woman to review these shows, okay?)

Rosie whines about having dreds from all of the dirt and bugs in her hair. Um, hello…you’ve become one with nature. Nature doesn’t come with a Four Seasons in tow.

We find out that Rosie has been hoarding the toilet paper (that bitch) and because of this, Stephanie has to use leaves. But she doesn’t mind, cause she’s cool. (So is Ina, by the way.) We discover how high-maintenance Rosie is and how ecologically careless Rosie and Kirsten both are when it comes to disposing of their…um…feminine hygiene products. No one is surprised by either of these things. Allen asks a couple of the women to talk to the two girls about it.

Useless speaks once more!! But I don’t know what she said, because I don’t care. Oh, that’s right – it’s time to vote. It seems that Eli will be chosen (what with his finely-tuned grasp of multiplication and all…oh, all right, I’ll lay off. Sheesh.) because he is “quiet, but has direction.” (Not to mention his stellar athletic ability.)

Jesse thinks that he should be the leader, or if not him then definitely one of the guys, because “the guys are helping the girls, you know?” (Uh, I didn’t see anyone carrying Stephanie, Kirsten or Rosie through the water earlier, dude, nor did I see the guys carrying the girls up the hiking trail on their backs. But maybe I missed that part.)

And the new leader is…

… sexist pig boy. Oops, I mean Jesse.

Matt is surprised because of Jesse’s lack of initiative. Ina says it best when she proclaims that Jesse may turn evil because he’s been buttering up to everyone. (Or maybe because he’s already evil.)

Jesse ends the show with a quote: “Not to be sexist or anything like that, but…I think the women might be removed more likely than the men right now cause the men are stronger.”

Spoken like the true mental midget he’s illustrated himself to be.

Contestant Wrap-Up:

Allen – I like him.

Jesse – I don’t like him. I’m not one to take offense to male chauvinists, but this guy’s really starting to push my buttons. I mean, c’mon… how much more of his moronic discourse are we going to have to hear?

Ina – She’s cool.

Stephanie – She is too.

Todd – He’s still my guy, despite Kirsten’s little rant.

Rosie – WHAHHH!!! Go check into a hotel.

Kirsten – Go with Rosie. Or get back to fifth period study hall.

Kelly – I’m pretty sure she’s the next to go, because I didn’t see her in the previews for next week’s show.

Jill – I like her, too, but I think she’s in the wrong alliance.

Dustin – Better start grabbing some more camera time or you’ll be out right behind Kelly.

John – I don’t know, buddy…but as long as Jesse’s around, you’re safe simply because you have the right equipment.

Eli – Nice pecs. Oh wait, I said that last week. Um… nice abs?

Matt – He’s still such a great rower… and he’s kinda cute, too.

The strongest alliance seems to be Allen, Ina, Eli, Stephanie, Todd, Matt, and Jesse… but Ina and Stephanie (and the other females): beware of the reign of the sexist jerkboy.

I must admit, though, that I’d rather see Rosie and/or Kirsten out than him, but for much different reasons. I want them out because they’re whiny little princesses; he wants them out because they have ovaries. (Can I write “ovaries” on this website? Hope so, cause I just did. Twice.)

Watch Episode #3 next Sunday night at 7/6 central on the WB Network.

Dana can be contacted at LilDanaSunshine@msn.com.

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