Combat Missions, Episodes 7 and 8: Big Yaps & Tough Guys

This last few weeks, I've had a pretty busy schedule here, at home, and at my Professional Wrestling games site, Stablewars.com. But today, I'm here to talk about Combat Missions, and not plug my website (Stablewars.com).

Episode 7: Scott Helvenston and his Big Yap

It's Alpha vs. Delta. The fun and games are over, because if you lose a man now, you don't get to replace them. Unless, of course, they get injured, but more on that later. After the men learn who will be competing this week, Rudy tells us that he is aware that everyone outside of Delta hates their resident blow-hard, Scott Helvenston. Rudy then compares Scotty to boxing legend Muhammad Ali. I sense somewhere in the world, Ali himself sheds a single tear. "Damn, what a bunch of degenerates. They compared Jordan to me. Then Tyson. Then Sampras. Now it's this fool from Combat Missions. I can't take it anymore. NURSE! PULL THE PLUG!" "You're not plugged into anything Mr. Ali." "Well crap!"

Rudy says that Scott can back up his words with action. Scott is doubly talented... he can back up MY words with his actions. I called him an @$$hole, and he acts like an @$$hole. Interactive TV at it's finest. Scott calls it "Psych Ops" before saying how much he disrespects Alpha captain Dan O'Shea. Comparing O'Shea to Helvenston is like comparing Syphilis and AIDS.

For a training exercise worth 25 points, both teams must attempt to be as boring as possible. Actually, they have to fire at targets. Either way, it's a cure for insomnia, and makes for horrible television as the editing makes it difficult to follow what's going on. Obviously Delta has a lead since Scott's big yap just can't stop spewing out his taunts. Delta wins the challenge and Scott tells the Alpha that he means no disrespect.

Dear Scott Helvenston,

You have a funny chin and your kids are ugly but I mean that in a respectful way.

Respectfully Yours,

Charlie Reneke

Next up, a 50 point exercise on the water grid. Teams will use pugil sticks (aka giant Q-Tips) to knock the other team off the grid and into the water. With rain and sleet falling, the teams must swim in 52-degree water to the grid. Thanks to Scott, there is an extra helping of bad blood between these teams, and the first match ends in a no contest because people would rather grab and claw then use the sticks. Match #2 also ends in this fashion, and now the bad blood is really running strong. Sgt. Major Dever is obviously losing patience with these teams. Scott is just a taunt-a-minute man, and in the words of Kelly Goldsmith, they have medication to help stuff like that. Alpha wins the third time around and scores 50 points. After the challenge, it looks like a fist fight might break out between Scott Oates of Alpha and, who else? Sadly, cooler heads get in the way of what was sure to be the most entertaining thing to hit the USA network since the WWF left it. Helvenston, who is all bark and no bite, acts cocky afterwards.

Rudy gathers the troops up in the camp's bar for a town hall in regards to Scott and his big mouth. He reminds everyone that this is just a game, and I say... it's about damn time. These people take everything so seriously that it's a major downer for the show. Most of these guys are obviously not enjoying themselves and it drags the entire product down. Rudy asks if anyone has a problem with anyone else. Oates of Alpha wastes no time in saying that he hates Snotty Helvenston because he has no sportsmanship. In the same reaction that I would expect out of a forth grader, Scott stands on his chair, temples throbbing, and tries to get a word out. Dan O'Shea cuts him off, telling him that his behavior reflects badly on all of them. If anyone else had said that, then I think it would have been the end of the discussion, but Dan O'Shea isn't exactly a paragon of virtue himself, having intentionally cheated in the previous episode. O'Shea does say that Helvenston has made it personal, and Helvenston doesn't deny it. The cocky punk actually looks proud of himself. Meanwhile, I'm reminding myself that these are our elite guys. Navy SEALS. The guys we count on to protect us. No offense to the U.S. Military, but it's guys like these idiots that leave no doubt in my mind why we couldn't get Osama Bin Laden.

Thankfully, someone who isn't an idiot speaks his mind. Alpha's Spicer says that being a Navy SEAL, he's embarrassed to be associated with Scott and that Scott is an embarrassment to all SEALS. Helvenston asks if anyone is embarrassed by him. Sgt. Major Dever says that he is, and that he should act like a professional, and not an @$$hole. Ouch. Clank's Cade Courtley says that he too is embarrassed. Helvenston reaches new levels of stupidity by accusing everyone outside of Delta of being a crybaby. Rudy has heard enough. He pulls Scott outside and... does nothing. What the hell? I'm screaming for blood while Rudy simply reminds him that if he doesn't shut the hell up, he will likely be voted off and not make it to the finals. Damn Rudy and his SEAL loyalty. Scott then gets all teary eyed and HUGS RUDY... so help me god, HUGS HIM! I vomit no less the five times. He then says that Rudy reminds him of his grandfather.

Commercials. Combat Missions is brought to you by Chapstick. Great for kissing ass.

In what is easily the most boring mission yet on this show, teams have to rescue an injured fighter pilot. I'll skip over all the mission prep stuff and get straight to the guts of it. Delta goes first, and it's a race to get to the pilot before the bad guys do. Nutter starts to kill the Shadow Squad off, allowing his team to get to the pilot. They secure the pilot, but the rescue chopper gets shot down in a brilliant special effect. I'll give the show credit: they really make this thing look real. The 2nd exit is 400 meters away, so they decide to tow the pilot on a blanket type thing. Baz barely avoids getting shot, but Ciganick isn't as lucky, and he gets shot. Helvenston and Nutter kill off the remaining Shadow Squad guys the mission is a success at 32 minutes. Pretty good.

Alpha's turn. They are fired upon right from the get-go because of their inability to move into positions quietly. Spicer heads straight for the pilot, but a miscommunication leads to Oates getting killed. The chopper gets shot down again, so Alpha too must travel 400 meters to the new exit. But once they get there, an ambush leaves Zundel, Jackson, and Spicer dead. O'Shea and Eric Johnson finish off the Shadow Squad, and finish the mission at 28 minutes. There is no doubt who won this one.

Alpha loses 865 to 650, and it's time to vote someone off. They don't get a replacement anymore, so they will compete next time with only five guys. And the unlucky fellow is the cheating bastard himself, Dan O'Shea, who gets teary eyed on the way out. End of show, but not end of recap. Thanks to my lazy ways, it's now time for...

Episode 8: But they are only Cops... how tough can they be?

This time it's Bravo vs. Clank. Bravo has yet to lose, and Clank has yet to win. Again, the losing team doesn't get to replace anyone. In Clank's camp, where half the team wasn't part of the original team, we learn that Cade Courtey is their new squad leader. Crenshaw believes that a change in leadership might be just what the doctor ordered. Yeah, it did wonders for the Washington Wizards, did it not? Meanwhile, in Bravo's camp, they aren't so optimistic. Jody "Star of Combat Missions" Taylor is nursing a knee injury he got in during the obstacle course challenge in Episode 6. Bravo is worried because they know that Clank wants to win very badly, and they won't be an easy team to beat.

To earn 75 points towards the challenge, teams will have to jump out of a helicopter into the freezing lake with 50-pound backpacks strapped to them. It might sound like the sort of thing you see Italian guys do to stoolies in a gangster film, but in reality, this is what the military does. Squads must swim around the lake, overturn a raft, and row it to the finish. Ossie Crenshaw, who nearly drowned during a similar challenge in Episode 5, is obviously worried. But the worry is all for naught, as Crenshaw doesn't let his team down. In an act of bravery, he manages to dog paddle his way to the raft, and secure 75 points for Clank. Suddenly, the scent of donkey crap is smelt, and sure enough, Scott Helvenston shows up to tell Clank how happy he is that they embarrassed Bravo. What an ass.

Teams prepare for the upcoming mission, a repeat of the Pilot Down challenge covered in Episode 7, above. The Clank Squad is very confident that the tide has turned and that they are ready to finally win. Meanwhile, it starts to snow. Jody of Bravo is shocked at how quickly the weather changes, from cold, to so hot you can't sleep, and now to snow. Team leader Byers notes that Bravo has lost most of the training exercises they've been in and they still haven't lost a mission. However, he fears that the luck won't last forever.

Clank, knowing that they need a win more then any other team, does a full dress rehearsal of the mission on the camp grounds. Crenshaw notes that he's been killed in the two previous missions, and he doesn't want to deal with that annoying BUZZZZZZZZZ that the suits make when you're shot.

It's time for the mission. Clank goes first. Explosions surround the team as they make their way up a hill. They locate the pilot, but while they secure him, the Shadow Squad attacks. Wong tries to fight them off, but Crenshaw ends up getting killed. Like Episode 7, the rescue chopper gets shot down and they must move the pilot 400 meters to the alternate exit. The pilot is put on the blanket-thingy and they start to move him to the exit. Clank fights the Shadow Squad off and finishes the mission at about 22 minutes. Very good.

Bravo is up. Jody has difficulty getting the fifty-pound backpack on him, and is worried about how it will affect his injured leg. And, of course, the team is worried about the 75 point hole they must crawl out of. Again, as explosions boom all around them, Bravo makes their way up a hill and sees the pilot. As proven in the past, the Shadow Squad is no match for the SWAT cops of Bravo, and they are quickly disposed of. They secure the pilot, but the chopper is shot down and they must move him to the alternate exit. Jody seems to be having radio problems, and barely avoids getting killed on several occasions, but the key is that he does indeed avoid getting killed. Bravo escapes the mission casualty free, but we have to wait to see how long it took them to finish the mission. Spiffy.

We don't find out the results right away. Instead, we cut to Bravo. Taylor sees the medic, and finds out that his leg is in very bad shape. He finds out that if he is removed from the game for a medical reason, then the Bravo Squad can replace him with someone from the dossier room. But the teams decides to wait to find out the results.

Finally, the we find out the score. Clank has 915 points. And Bravo, having taken 15 (!) minutes to complete the mission, finishes with 925 points! They win again! Hell, even I didn't think the SWAT cops would be routinely beating Navy SEALS, Green Berets, and Army Rangers, and yet they have every time. Hopefully this show will allow SWAT cops nationwide to get the credit they deserve.

Clank has to vote someone out, and while the team notes that 120 seconds was the difference between winning and losing, Crenshaw notes that if he avoided being killed, 120 seconds would be nothing. The team defends him, and Courtley says that he should be the man to leave. Wong says he was happy with the team's performance and that he's sure they will win soon. Sadly for him, he won't be there to see it happen. In a somewhat surprise vote, Wong is voted out. Having been his partner in real life, Crenshaw is very sad to see him go.

Meanwhile, Jody knows that he can no longer go on, and he informs Rudy that he's dropping out of the game. Rudy notes that it's better to leave on your feet then on a stretcher. Bravo chooses former Green Beret Sean Sirker to replace Jody. Before leaving, he goes to shake hands with his team, only to find three of them are in the shower. He playfully opens up the shower stalls to shake hands, as the guys inside them try to cover up... except Fletcher, whom Jody notes has a rather large penis. You can't make up stuff this bad, people! He goes to do the same with Kain, but gets a menacing glare and decides that it would be best not to.

I have to say that I'm surprised that Jody is out of the game. Based on the amount of screen time he received, which I would guess is equal to that of his entire team combined, I thought he was going to be the ultimate winner. It's a bigger loss to the show then it was to the Bravo squad. Jody was easily the most entertaining guy that wasn't a loud mouth or a cheater. With that said, I'm out of here.

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