UK Survivor 2, Episode 1: Sunk

Cue warning about strong language; this sounds very promising. Followed by sponsor’s announcement; PJ Smoothie, who sounds like a rapper but is in fact a new fruit drink (which you may already have in the States, in which case this is a very lame pun [Editor’s Note: Nope. I’ve never heard of it.]). And then the wailing woman and jungle drums, which is the familiar theme tune to UK Survivor. The second season is here.

New presenter Mark Nicholas sits on a plane in front of a dozen bemused-looking people, still barred from talking to each other, all undoubtedly thinking ‘Shit, what have we done?’ (see, I said there was strong language).

The plane lands at Bocas del Toro International Airport, where the contestants have their security search. Mark explains that now would be the final amnesty on illicit contraband and if anyone were trying to smuggle banned items onto the island, they should surrender them now, or be expelled from the show if any came to light during the subsequent search. After a short pause, Tayfun, the exotic dancer, gingerly stepped forward and placed in the amnesty box, to the great amusement of everyone else, salt, pepper, earplugs, string, gum, a knife, matches, a pen, pins, a compass and two bags of heroin. Well OK, not the latter. Obviously Tayfun wasn’t quite as daring as Mick last year, who managed to smuggle some sausages onto the island by hiding them up a place where the sun doesn’t shine.

After the security search, the twelve are herded onto a truck, still mute and driven to the boat that would take them to their homes for the next 37 days. Mark explains that the two tribes would be based on adjoining islands 15 miles off the coast. Once on board, Mark distributes the permitted essentials: water, rice, oil, machete, spade, lifejackets, maps, canoes, fishing lines, tampons and condoms (although anyone that has the energy for getting jiggy in the bushes after days of undernutrition and exhaustion must well and truly be superhuman).

The contestants are now finally allowed to talk to each other as Mark reads out the tribal divisions. As is traditional, each tribe is given a suitable exotic-sounding ethnic language name. The red team are ‘North Island’ and the blue team are ‘South Island’. Er, hang on, this is Panama, not New Zealand. The tribe members are:

North Island: Alastair, David, Drew, Helen, Meeta, Tayfun.
South Island: Bridget, John, Jonny, Lee, Sarah, Suzannah.

Mark then asks the tribes to put on their tribal colours and lifejackets, clear the essential items off the deck within 90 seconds, and then load them into their canoes and paddle to their respective islands. There follows panicky pushing of crates over the side of the boat. Here it becomes clear that the laws of physics are not Tayfun’s strong point. Wood floats. Metal does not. Therefore throwing the machete into the sea is not a good idea.

By now, the realities of the discomfort ahead were becoming clear. Drew was already sick and was in no fit state to row the North canoe. The South have problems of their own, as the provisions were loaded badly and the canoe immediately started to sink. By the time they reach the island, the tribe are all waist deep in water. Welcome to paradise, guys.

Tayfun’s machete mishap makes the first night for the North tribe somewhat uncomfortable. They have no means of cutting ropes, so cannot erect a shelter before nightfall. Alastair and David, who already seem to be asserting themselves as the tribe leaders, are not impressed. Tayfun says that he wished it was his gameplan to deliberately appear inept to avoid being voted off, but it wasn’t (just as well as it sounds like a pretty feeble gameplan). Meeta resorts to using the spade to chop up some coconuts. Tayfun then reveals he doesn't like coconuts. Oh dear.

The South tribe were slightly more comfortable, as they had erected shelter, but Sarah, who had reverted to a revealing bikini, was having little joy in lighting the fire (whinging at it does not normally help either). The others had gone on a foodhunt and had found some plants full of sap. Bridget asked ‘do you swallow?’ Girl, it’s normally the men that ask that question!

Kurt Russell then starts running around shooting lots of people. Is this not against the island rules? Oh no, I’ve pressed the wrong button on the remote and tuned into Escape from LA. Now that would be an interesting concept for U.S. Survivor season 5. But I digress.

The following morning, Mark, wearing a very silly neckscarf, similar to that worn by Freddie in Scooby Doo, wanders around to inform the tribes of the forthcoming immunity challenge. This is not welcome news for either camp. Helen had joined the North sicklist. Lee tries to rally the South troops; ‘Cheery faces everyone, look as though we’re having a blinding time’ (‘Blinding’ is Essex speak for ‘extremely enjoyable’).

Tayfun meanwhile is concerned about how he might appear to the rest of his tribe and asks Alastair whether he thinks that he (Tayfun) is likely to be voted off. Alastair sensibly says that he couldn’t speak for the rest of the tribe, but the machete incident makes him more vulnerable. As does getting openly paranoid about voting intentions.

Eventually the tribes row over to the neighbouring Vastimentos Island, where the immunity challenge is to take place. They gather on Red Frog Beach, named after the island’s legendary killer frogs (place your bets on who will be attacked by one of these vile and evil creatures first). Mark holds up a stupid-looking immunity idol and explains that the first challenge is a nice, relaxing assault course. Each tribe member has to climb under a net, to be met by a big wooden chest suspended in the air from a rope. Other restraining ropes are removed and one member pulls the chest along the aerial rope from ground level, while the others negotiate a series of obstacles. Once everyone has passed through these, the chest is lowered and carried to the beach where a key is waiting. The chest is opened, axe and matches retrieved and the matches used to light the immunity beacon. First team to do this is the winner.

South tribe are first through the net, even though Sarah is obviously struggling and has to be propped up by other team-mates afterwards. Unsurprisingly, she and Tayfun are the two chosen to pull the chest along from the ground (like the stigma of being the last kids to be picked for team games in the playground) while the others struggle over the beams and hurdles. It is a close race, but South tribe are marginally ahead and John is the first to climb and light the beacon. Hugs and high-fives all round.

Mark diplomatically congratulates both teams for their performances but then, completely out of the blue, drops the bombshell that South tribe has not completed the course properly because Suzannah had failed to climb over one of the hurdles after jumping off a beam and therefore they were disqualified. North tribe could not believe their luck. The frozen expressions on the faces of South tribe said everything else. Suzannah announced that she felt ‘pretty damn awful’ (you can tell this woman is well-educated; most people could think of far earthier adjectives). To further worsen their day, South tribe were too stunned to think about claiming the matches and axe contained in the chest, before they disconsolately trudged back to their canoe.

Unsurprisingly North tribe’s spirits perked up; even Tayfun was happy. They dine on fruit and dissected crabs, even though they were described as ‘full of shit’ (ooh, more strong language!)

Suzannah meanwhile feels vulnerable and decides to try some alliance building. First of all she and Lee agree to back each other up. Then both John and Jonny reassure her that they don’t hold her mistake against her and she switches over to their side, as she feels that she had more of a ‘professional affinity’ with the two, although she doesn’t actually mention this to Lee (so she’s now a double-agent: this is getting like an episode of Alias). Bridget meanwhile happily says that she enjoys being part of the tribe as there was no alliance building going on. Uh oh.

It was now time for tribal council and, as is customary, the teams pack their worldly goods and row over to the council chamber. John is asked how he feels about the sudden reversal of fortune in the immunity challenge. He replies that that he was pretty calm about it as he had tried not to get caught up in the euphoria (hooray for the stiff upper lip). Suzannah says that she was surprised and motivated by everyone’s support. Lee states that he is happy to be part of a strong team without an agenda (well, not until the ‘professional alliance’ decide to throw him off).

The votes are then cast and revealed one by one. Sarah had voted against John. Everyone else had voted against Sarah. Cue groans of despair from lustful male viewers who enjoy watching scantily-clad young blondes, and from tabloid editors who have lost their pin-up. The vote however was a foregone conclusion, as Sarah had already asked the others to vote her off, as she was not enjoying her time on the island at all and desperately wanted to go home to get a shower and a kebab (proof indeed that you can take the girl out of Essex, but you can’t take the Essex out of the girl). Everyone is complimentary about the laughter she had bought to the group and, in the post-eviction interview, she comes across as a very nice, naturally funny and likeable girl (incredibly like Helen, last year’s UK Big Brother runner-up, even to the ‘Oh my god’ catchphrase) and not the scheming sexual harridan some of the tabloids had tried to portray her as. Anyway, when Sarah next hits the karaoke bars of Romford with her girlfriends, she can now bawl out ‘I Will Survive’ with a whole new meaning.

Coming up next week: Arguments! Hanging from beams! And goodbye to Lee or Tayfun (probably).

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