No Boundaries, Episode 3: Jesse’s Girls

The scene opens with our 13 lovely contestants standing near yet another body of water (much to Rosie’s chagrin, since she has been trying to locate the nearest Best Western for some time now). The first moment shows Useless prattling on about Captain Cook first meeting the natives in the 1700s at this spot. (Now she’s providing a plethora of historical knowledge. Woo-hoo.)

The first group reward event requires canoeing. Ina takes charge here, teaching everyone the correct way to operate a canoe paddle. Jesse says he’s okay with giving Ina this particular leadership role since he’s never canoed before. (But Jesse, she’s a GIRL! How could you?) Todd attempts to jump in here with a suggestion, and Ina politely asks him to not jump ahead. (Step aside, please… this woman means business.)

Todd, looking for a way to secure himself in the group, goes to Jesse about forming an alliance. Jesse’s standard MENSA-quality response to Todd’s request: (does anyone else hear “duh…” just before he speaks?) “Sure, why not, you know?”

They canoe out to some big cargo boat that trails about the Nootha Sound all day long. And here’s the event: the group splits into two teams and needs to paddle around the Sound, collect six flags, and get back to the cargo boat before it takes off without them. They each have a GSP to find the flags. Time limit: 90 minutes. Yikes.

Jesse chooses Matt, Todd, and Allen to help him program the coordinates into the GSPs. (I could just hear the tried and true Jesse logic behind this decision: duh…girls ain’t good at that stuff, you know?)

Jesse asks for their opinions about whom he should eliminate, and the resounding (and painfully obvious) answer is “Rosie or Kirsten.”

The teams are divided up like so: Ina and Jill are the navigators. (Duh…them two girls know how to row a canoe, you know?) Ina’s team is Kelly, Allen, Stephanie, Eli, Rosie, and Kirsten; Jill’s team is Todd, Jesse, Matt, Dustin, and John. Ina’s canoe is deemed the stronger of the two (but Jesse, there are more girls on that team… how can they be stronger?) and takes the longer route. They set out to find their flags.

Team Ina does well, finding their flags and reaching the cargo boat with 30 seconds to spare. Team Jill – well, not so much. When they reach the location of the second flag, they send John to retrieve it. John takes off running, but alas, he’s GOING THE WRONG WAY! Jesse gets out and grabs the flag at some point while John is making his way back to the boat sans flag. With oodles of time wasted, John feels really bad. (Should’ve worn your glasses, buddy.)

These contests are contingent upon the tenuous balance between finely tuned planning and inevitable human error. When you’re in a big hurry, you screw up. Unfortunately, this screw-up cost them big-time, and the entire group faces the choice of either rowing all the way back to the mainland or setting up camp where they are. It doesn’t look like a prime piece of real estate upon which to roast marshmallows, but the not-so-happy campers choose to stay put.

Rosie, never wanting to disappoint the two or three people alive who can actually tolerate her, chimes in with her bellyaching about being there. “Get me off this island.” Answer me this, blondie: Why is your sorry little “acne-prone” ass there in the first place? (Couldn’t make the final cut for The Real World, eh?)

Day 6. (It’s only been six days?) Ina repeats her earlier sentiment about Jesse being “the scheming one.” Todd says that he feels like either Rosie or Kirsten should be the next to go. Then we see Jesse, Rosie, and Kirsten setting up their alliance. Wonderful. This does not bode well for the future of the women who actually deserve to remain in the game.

Ina finds more feminine hygiene products in the woods. She asks Jesse to speak about it, and he does. (duh…) "It's already been addressed before about discarding certain things, women, when you go use the restroom," he says. "There's still people ain't paying attention." (Eloquent as always, Jesse.) Then Ina goes to see if they were cleaned up. NOPE! They were just pushed further back into the woods. Ina and Matt end up cleaning them up. (Ina, could you please email me and tell me just how you convinced Matt to help you with that? I couldn’t even get my ex to buy tampons, let alone… oh, never mind. Ew.) She approaches the group again and points out how unconscionable it is to dispose of non-biodegradable things this way and asks the guilty parties to at least accept their responsibility.

I picture a cartoon bubble over Rosie’s head reading: “I shouldn’t be responsible for cleaning up after myself! That’s what the production assistants should do at the end of their 20-hour workday!”

The one I picture over Jesse’s reads: “Duh…what does unconscionable mean? That’s like unconscious, right?”

The group gets rescued at some point. Jesse welcomes John into his alliance with… well, he has one with everyone, so with whom isn’t really important. We actually hear from Dustin – I forgot she was even around – and she says that she doesn’t want to get involved in the politics of this stuff. (I can’t say I blame her, but declaring oneself Switzerland could most likely provide a swift kick in the butt out of the competition.) Eli predicts Jesse’s choice will be “unexpected.” (And with that astute observation you have completely redeemed yourself from last week, cutie.)

I agree with Eli… there’s no telling what jerkboy Jesse is going to do. He’s made an alliance with everyone, and now he’s going to have to break one.

The time to eliminate someone has come. Jesse chooses Kirsten, Rosie, and… TODD?!?! He tells Rosie & Kirsten that they’ve done a good job and sends them on their merry way. Meanwhile, Todd looks absolutely baffled while Jesse tells him that he was slacking off on the rowing the day before so he’s got to go. But it’s nothing personal.

WHAT?!?

Yeah, that’s why. I immediately jump to the conclusion that Jesse has GOT to be gettin’ some from one of those girls. And since Rosie’s a virgin, well…

…or he just made a shrewd move by sacrificing a top competitor and saving a couple of habitual bitchers. But “shrewd” is not a word I would remotely associate with Jesse, so I’m leaning toward the gettin’ some.

I honestly thought that Todd had the right equipment to be spared by sexist pig boy’s reign of terror and debauchery.

Damn. Bye, Todd. You’ll be missed. I guess you should’ve paddled (and I quote) “(duh…) a little more hard.” Ugh.

The remaining twelve rappel. Cool.

At the bottom of the rock from which they’ve finished rappelling, Jesse tells the group why he selected Todd. He says he can’t tolerate slackers, and anyone who doesn’t like it can “kiss my grits.” (Outstanding.)

Eli feels that Todd didn’t get a fair shake, because if someone (Jesse) thought he was slacking, then he should’ve said something to him. But that would require maturity and directness, Eli, and we can’t give ol’ jerkboy credit for either of those qualities now, can we?

Now, a friend of mine sent me an email this morning, subject line: “No Boundariezzzzzzzzzzzzz.” I mention this because it’s such a perfect assessment of the show from this point on.

The next challenge is an individual reward event. There are 30 keys in the Utana Caves (the local kids call it “U Panic” Caves – funny lil’ factoid provided by Useless – isn’t she precious?) in areas lit up with glow-sticks. Find the right key for the lockbox at the end of the caves and the group gets four walkie-talkies. They have 90 minutes to find as many keys as they can.

Several excruciatingly boring moments of television pass…

…they find 25 keys.

Several more horrifyingly uninteresting moments drag by…

…Ina, Kelly, Rosie, and Jill crawl through more narrow passages and waist-deep ice water to retrieve the lockbox for the team. (But Jesse… I thought the guys were supposed to do all the real work while the girls cooked the food and darned your socks for you.) None of the keys work. Oh no. Jesse tries them again. This time one of the keys works. They get the walkie-talkies. The four women who got the box get the goodies.

And there was much rejoicing.

They set up camp for the night. The next day our carefree little troopers are sunning themselves and talking about how much sexual tension is flying around. The show might have gotten a bit more appealing here… but NO. Instead, here’s when we find out why Rosie doesn’t have sex – because of STDs, pregnancy, emotional baggage, etc. (I have my own theory as to why, but maybe I should just keep that to myself.)

Oh yeah, Rosie & Kirsten decide to apologize for the tampon incident. And it was just so heartfelt I almost forgot to mention it.

John admits that he’s been kissing ass to keep himself in the game.

They vote for the leader – there’s a tie between Ina and Jill. Ina gets it because her cumulative point total over the past seven days is higher than Jill’s.

Rosie thinks Ina will be a good leader, but she didn’t want her to be because she’s convinced that Ina will surely kick her out next week. God, I hope so.

And there was much more rejoicing in my living room, because the show was finally over.

You can catch Episode 4 Sunday night at 7/6 central on the WB Network.

Oh, by the way – this show is in danger of being canceled, so for the contestant’s sake, let’s watch it, everyone. They put a lot into it and it would really suck to have it replaced by a Dawson’s Creek marathon or something equally insipid. (But think about it – it’s not like the WB Network is some ratings giant – why on earth would they cancel it, anyway?)

And yes, I know I’m requesting that you watch a show that I often tout as lackluster, but hey – you watch Survivor, don’t you? (For those of you throwing things at me…you missed.)

Dana Walker is a writer/singer/songwriter/former reality show contestant living in the Los Angeles area. Contact her at LilDanaSunshine@msn.com.

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