Celebrity Boxing: A Blow-by-Blow

Live from somewhere in Los Angeles. Because god knows the Nevada Boxing Commission needs to keep as much credibility as they have left. Your hosts are some generic white guy and former boxing legend Ray Mancini. Michael "Ready to Rumble" Buffer is your announcer.

Match #1

Barry "Greg Brady" Williams vs. Danny "Danny Partridge" Bonaduce

Bonaduce was a star on the Partridge Family but now makes a living as a third-rate Howard Stern. If my eyes aren't deceiving me, Mario Lopez from Saved by the Bell is in Danny's corner. Before the fight, Backstreet Boy member Howie Dorough and his sister sing the National Anthem. It appears that Barry has the reach, height, and weight on Danny. The key issue is weight, with Barry having fourteen pounds on Danny. The boxers are wearing sixteen-ounce gloves and head gear, just like FX's Toughman Contest in which my cousin Josh is fighting next week.

The fight starts, and Bonaduce knocks down Barry with the first punch thrown. Real nasty hit too, throwing all notion that this is fake out the window. Mandatory 8-count follows, but apparently there is no TKO rule, so fights have to end in a knockout or a decision after three rounds. Barry gets up, but lasts about as long as Cousin Oliver did on the Brady Bunch before Danny takes him down again, but the referee rules it a slip. Barry gets up without the 8 Count, and Danny quickly moves and knocks him down again. Danny is doing lots of body-on-body contact, including throwing his hips and elbows, which is totally illegal of course. The referee tells him to stop it. Barry gets up again as time is running out in the first round, and Danny lands a HUGE right hand, sending Barry down, and I'm sure that's it. But the bell rings and Barry makes it to his feet, and out of the round.

At this point, you're asking, "What the HELL does this have to do with Reality TV?" Answer: Bonaduce was on Jay Leno's Celebrity Survivor which was a parody of some reality TV show on CBS that I'm told is pretty popular. Besides, this very site covered UPN's Manhunt, which wasn't reality and was only technically TV.

Round two starts just as round one began, with Danny landing a huge right hand to the dazed Barry, who is basically walking on a pair of rubber bands at this point anyway. Barry goes down, and somehow manages to get up before the ref makes it to ten. Honestly, I thought the ref would stop the fight. The fighters circle each other for about twenty seconds, and then Danny fakes left, then absolutely clobbers Barry with a right hand, knocking him clean out to end this brutally one-sided fight. The announcers gloat about how Bonaduce had to overcome the size advantage that Barry had. This wasn't exactly David vs. Goliath guys. Afterwards, they hug. In the post fight interview, Greg Brady claims that he wasn't hurt during the fight, but just dazed. Danny claims that he was dazed during the entire 80s and thus knew how to deal with it. Damn him, I had a joke planned for after the match but he stole it from me. [Editor’s Note: Incidentally, this was not Bonaduce’s first “celebrity” boxing match. He had boxed a couple other times before, including once against Donny Osmond. For more info on Bonaduce, check out my review of his autobiography.]

Match #2

Rob "Don't call me Vanilla Ice" Van "I'm now called Bi-Polar" Winkle vs. Todd "Different Strokes" Bridges.

No, the rumors weren't true... the winner of this fight didn't receive a kilo of crack. On his way to the ring, Ice had someone carrying a cardboard sign that said "Will Rap for Food!" Actually, it said "Thrilla in Vanilla." Perhaps it's some weird sexual thing Rob has going. Additionally, former Ultimate Fighting Championship star and WCW wrestler David "Tank" Abbot is in Ice's corner. Fun story on Abbot: when he was in WCW, they never taught him how to actually perform professional wrestling maneuvers, so he would just punch his opponents and then leave the ring without even pinning them. That didn't stop head WCW writer Vince Russo from trying to put the Heavyweight Championship on Tank, which ended up costing Russo his job. Abbot lost a title match to Sid "I now have three kneecaps" Vicious and that was all she wrote. In June of 2000, I was at a WCW house show in Yakima, Washington, front row, and Abbot was fighting Scott Steiner, and I managed to nearly get killed by Abbot by screaming out "Hey Tank! You've got bigger boobies then my mother!" I thought for sure he would drill me and I would have a lawsuit on my hands, but sadly, all he did was flip me off.

The match starts, and Todd comes out swinging, landing a huge haymaker right into Rob's face. Todd lands a quick combo into Ice that leaves Vanilla banana legged. Ice is told to back off to his corner by the referee, apparently due to his helmet coming loose. They square off again, and an exchange between the two leaves Todd without his helmet. Another break separates them so that Bridges can strap his head gear back on. They square off again, and Todd lands five stiff and methodical shots into Vanilla's head to knock him down. Standing 8 count follows. Time is running out, and with two seconds to go in the first round, a quick exchange leaves Ice down after the bell rings.

Round two. The referee has to call Rob back to the ring because he's out trying to sell copies of Cool as Ice to the fans at ringside for quarters, or whatever they can spare. (No, not really.) Lengthy exchange between Rob and Todd leaves Ice dizzy, allowing Bridges to throw three huge haymakers right into him. Ice tries to throw punches but he has nothing behind them, and they just glace off of Todd. Knockdown by Bridges follows, causing Ice to lose his mouthpiece and force a one minute break. They square off again, and Todd just starts laying it into Vanilla, landing nearly ten shots in a row, while Ice just bends over and covers his ears. The referee breaks it up and gives Ice a standing 8 count for not fighting back or trying to avoid the punches. The ref only makes it to five before the bell rings, saving Ice for a few more minutes.

Round three. Bridges is too pooped to throw any decent punches and Ice never had anything behind his anyway, and the final round ends with only a few rabbit punches being thrown. It goes to the judges, and Todd obviously wins by unanimous decision. After the match, Ice thanks God that he still has his 'career' for lack of a better term, to fall back on. "Seriously, I was so damn good in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, I'm sure they will call me up for the next sequel." Poor bastard just can't catch a break.

Main Event

Tonya Harding vs. Paula Jones

It was supposed to be Amy Fisher fighting Harding, but she couldn't make the fight because of her parole or something like that. Paula has this real happy-go-lucky look on her face. Yep, she's just there to get a good response from the crowd and put up a good fight. Everything is rosy and she's all smiles. Meanwhile, Tonya looks like she's ready to kill someone. I'm expecting this to be over with quick.

It's odd when you think about the kind of stuff that makes you a celebrity in this country. Tonya Harding is famous for organizing an attack on another skater, while Paula Jones is famous for saying that Bill Clinton once hit on her. Back in the old days, you had to do something incredible to earn your fame. Fly across the Atlantic, find a cure for Smallpox, etc. These days, having sex with the President or committing a crime will get you the fame needed to live off of for the rest of your life. Actually, my fellow Oregonian Tonya Harding isn't doing so good, having been evicted from her house. She told the press that she will live in her car instead, which is unfortunate and not something I would want anyone to be subjected to, so I will refrain from joking. Besides, who says it's rent free? Ever hear of parking tickets? Moreover, it's not healthy to live in such a small area. Hell, if she sleeps the wrong way, she might get a kink in her leg. The only good thing about living in your car is home security is cheap. The Club will be enough to keep her safe.

I tell you people, I was in line to replace Letterman if he had jumped to CBS.

The match starts. The women are wearing much thicker head gear then the men were, and they also have a piece that covers their mouth. Basically, they are wearing giant pillows on their heads. They both trade rabbit punches for about thirty seconds, and then Tonya glances a two-punch combo off of Paula, who ROCKS Tonya (!) with a quick uppercut to her chin. Tonya seems stunned. Tonya tries to throw some leather but there is nothing behind her punches. The round ends, and the announcers are in shock at this budding upset. I try not to laugh.

Round two, and Tonya is PISSED. She lands a quick pair on Paula to send her down, but the referee rules it a slip. Tonya lands four straight shots on Paula's noggin. Paula backs towards the referee, who orders a break. They square off again, and Tonya rushes in to attack, but Paula runs for the referee again. This happens two more times and the fans start to boo poor Paula. Finally, with time running out, Tonya lands a HUGE straight right into Paula's face, sending her down. But she gets saved by the bell. I suddenly have a revelation: Harding would be a perfect house guest for Celebrity Big Brother. I swear, she would give the show RATINGS!

Round three, and I can't believe this match is still going on. Paula slowly inches her way in, knowing that she is dead. She obviously wants to quit. Tonya throws a hurricane of punches, forcing Paula into a non-fall standing 8-count. Paula then shakes her head and says she's had enough. The dumb referee doesn't stop the fight, so Tonya plasters Paula with a shot to the side of her head. The fight then ends. The announcers are screaming that Tonya should be disqualified, but really, the referee didn't stop the fight. In the end, Tonya gets the win, and the show ends.

Well, that wasn't so bad, and with a sequel in the works, I wouldn't mind watching this again. There are actually talks of this becoming a regular show, which I have no problem with because (1) the action was really good, and (2) because it's fun to watch celebrities beat each other up. Besides, with a little luck, Monica Lewinsky will be featured in a fight and I can break out all sorts of oral sex jokes. Now that's the fight they should have gone with: Lewinsky vs. Harding. One of them clubbed their enemy, while the other got the Presidential club. One played the game of skating, while the other played Swallow the Leader in the Oral Office. I would still have to give the fight to Harding though, or as she's known in the boxing world, Clubber Lang.

Any bets that next time Mr. T ends up in a match?

Fox will be providing an encore presentation of this match tonight, Thursday, March 21, at 8/7 Central time.

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