UK Survivor 2, Episode 2: Hung Out to Dry

First of all, I owe Susannah an apology for continually mis-spelling her name in the previous episode recap. Now if she were my teacher (unlikely, as I am around 20 years too old for high school), it would certainly be detention for me. There is a surreal comedy-drama called Teachers, which goes out at the same time as Survivor on a rival network. The main character, Simon, experiences regular Ally McBeal-type flashbacks in which, despite his late twenty-something age, he is dressed up in school uniform and is being physically chastised by his (female) head of department. I have to admit that I’m undecided on whether this is more entertaining than people on a desert island arguing and scheming, or not. Perhaps if the castaways suffer thirty more days of rain and food deprivation, they might start acting out bizarre fantasies of their own, which would be an admittedly desperate way to push up the flagging ratings.

Anyway it’s Day 4 on the island and both the North and South Island tribes are suffering because of heavy overnight rain. The shelters and their contents are soaked through and everyone hangs their belongings out to dry. Bridget pegs out a pair of Union Jack knickers. Yeah baby!

Both tribes are in philosophical moods today. The two members with military backgrounds, John and Alastair, bemoan the fact that, although they are trying to keep quiet about their expertise, they are being pushed forward to take charge of tricky situations, such as ‘how to organise your waterproofs so that you can find them in the dark’ and ‘how to place branches over a shelter so it doesn’t leak’. If these are difficult, god help the tribes if they have to cope with a hurricane or tidal wave.

South Island are talking alliances. Lee has realised John and Jonny are keeping tight and thinks he has a similar agreement with Susannah, but is not sure. Rightly so, as Susannah and the two Js are elsewhere cementing their agreement. Susannah says that Lee is ‘fantastic, but we have nothing in common’ (i.e. he’s a truck salesman from Essex, whereby the rest of us are all ‘professionals’ from nicer parts of the country). Susannah also says that she wants to go on with two strong guys, which is admittedly a popular female fantasy (oops, we’re harking back to the suggestion in the first paragraph again).

It is time for the first reward challenge. The tribes head for Salt Creek to be told that they will take part on a ‘coyoko’ (mini-canoe) race. One of each team is marooned along the creek. The others have to row the canoe and rescue them, collecting various items suspended from ropes on the way. One of the items, known only to the rescuee (a pennant) then has to be raised to win the race.

Drew and Bridget are nominated as the North and South tribe rescuees respectively. Meeta sits out to equalise the numbers. The race then starts. South Island quickly runs into trouble as they hit a mudbank. North Island, coxed by Tayfun who actually seems to be able to manage this task properly (it must be his Cambridge University background) soon cruise ahead. South try and catch up, but Lee does not help matters when he jumps out of the canoe to grab one of the items. The momentum is lost and the canoe capsizes, by which time North have rescued Drew and hoisted the pennant. With South’s canoe also sinking on its first trip to the island, it is clear that this tribe does not have a particular affinity with anything that floats. North are rewarded with a big bag of goodies, including a wok, bucket, shampoo, a toothbrush, and various foodstuffs.

North return to their camp for a celebratory fry-up. Here we see an interesting alternative use for tampons, which are being soaked in kerosene and used as firelighters. Full marks for initiative, but this probably does nothing to quell female misgivings about the materials used in their manufacture. One wonders just what alternative use the tribes might find for their supply of condoms. Please do not mail any suggestions to RealityNewsOnline.

John and Jonny meanwhile look for a scapegoat for the South defeat and point the finger at Lee for jumping out (John’s poor coxing was presumably not felt to be a factor).

The next day brings new problems to both tribes. The South had been plagued by an attack of sandfleas and the tribe members show off some rather nasty bitemarks (still that’s better than being bitten by a killer frog, none of which sadly appeared in this episode). The North camp is being threatened by some rough seas. The conditions do not stop action man Tayfun going for a swim, much to the concern of the rest of the tribe. ‘What is he doing out there, having a shit?’ asks Drew. That’ll please the fishes.

Tayfun, after emerging from the sea unscathed, explains his views on the current group dynamic. Alastair, with Dave as his sidekick, has created a harem, making all of the women reliant on him. No Tayfun, none of them are as yet dressed in bhurkas and confined to the shelter unless accompanied by a man. He suspects that he will be voted out the first time North loses an immunity challenge. Meeta has her doubts about Alastair too, calling him ‘sly and shady’. Alastair’s efforts to not be seen as the pivotal figure within the tribe are obviously starting to backfire.

However Tayfun is clearly still the North public enemy number one. Meeta and Helen have a big whinging session about his eyebrow plucking and personal grooming, Meeta describes him as a ‘big girl’s blouse’. Vicious! Dave calls him a ‘bloody wimp’ and compares him to a ‘woman getting changed at night’. In that case, perhaps he should become part of the Alastair harem.

On the other island, Lee is concerned about the next immunity challenge vote and asks Susannah to confirm that she will still support him. Susannah laughs very unconvincingly. Meanwhile Bridget still claims that she cannot see any alliances forming. Has counting sheep made her go blind?

And now the immunity challenge. Today the tribes are going to a hanging. Possibly to the chagrin of North Island tribe, this will not involve Tayfun and a noose. Each member of the tribe will hang, one by one, from a suspended beam above the sea. The footrest is removed and they then have to hold onto the beam as long as possible. The times of all tribe members are added together and the tribe with the longest cumulative time wins.

Members of both tribes pair up together. Helen sits out this time to equalise the numbers. Meeta hangs off first against Bridget, then Drew against Susannah, Dave against Lee and Alastair against Jonny. The North contestants last the longer each time and the tribe are over a minute ahead by the final, Tayfun against John.

Both start off looking composed, despite South chants of ‘drop drop’ at Tayfun. This bad show of unsportsmanship is not to go unpunished. Tayfun falls after fifty seconds, meaning that if John can hang on for just over another minute, South tribe have won the day. Carried away by the euphoria, John flamboyantly decides to start doing pull-ups on the beam while laughing to the rest of his tribe, who respond with a mixture of amusement and concern. This reaction is justified as, all of a sudden, his arms start to give way. Despite tortuous attempts to cling on, John falls, just seven seconds short of the total time amassed by North tribe. Therefore North win their second immunity and South once again blow the challenge due to a silly, self-inflicted mistake. Their familiar looks of horror and disappointment are starting to become a habit.

John sheepishly admits afterwards that his ‘pratting around’ on the beam cost the tribe the challenge. For a former marine, this is a particularly inexplicable act. A soldier in a battlezone, who happily started to jump around and wave at everyone, would obviously not last very long. His pre-arrival description of himself as ‘childish and someone that doesn’t take things seriously’ certainly proved to be apt. In an act of Tayfun-type paranoia, he says to Bridget that the tribe would be entitled to vote him off. Bridget, rather testily, doesn’t want to discuss it.

The morning of the second tribal council dawned with emotions running high in the South camp. Bridget gets emotional and starts crying at the thought of losing a second member of the tribe. Er, you’ve only known these people six days! The two Js and Susannah meanwhile are, surprise, plotting against the other two. They are now undecided as to whether Lee or Bridget should be voted off, as Lee is stronger but Bridget has greater stamina. Decisions!

On the North island, the tribe move the campsite away from the shore and Drew and Helen get down to some sunbathing (now that Sarah has gone, these two provide this week’s gratuitous bikini shots), only for Alastair and Dave to creep up behind and gallantly throw a bucket of water over them. Some men would pay money to watch this sort of thing. Meeta and Tayfun meanwhile are in more sombre mood. Tayfun asks if Meeta trusts anyone in the tribe and she replies that she didn’t and anyone that did was stupid. She then promptly bursts into tears (it’s obviously catching) because she wishes she had never come and had wanted the tribe to lose the immunity challenge so that she could be voted off and go home. Tayfun offers sympathy, whilst no doubt thinking ‘Yes! If she volunteers to go, I stay a bit longer!’

It was now time for tribal council. Mark, the host, asks Susannah whether, after the backing the rest of the tribe gave to her after her mistake in the first immunity challenge, she felt John would have the same support. Susannah replies that it was understandable to make mistakes in the adrenaline rush. Lee is not impressed with this answer.

The votes were then cast. Lee had voted against Bridget and had apparently been assured by Susannah that the others would do so too. Yet, in the end, the ‘professional alliance’ had decided that he was the one to go and every other vote went against him. A deflated Lee therefore extinguishes his flame, stares very pointedly at a guilty-looking Susannah and leaves the council.

In his post-eviction interview, Lee is philosophical about the situation in his Essex way. ‘Well, they done me up like a kipper, didn’t they?’ Understandably he was somewhat irate about others (particularly John) making mistakes yet staying on the island, while he instead was the one to go. He declares that the reason was just because ‘they don’t like Essex’. This is probably an exaggeration, but not a completely baseless one. Even in Tony Blair’s supposedly ‘classless meritocracy’, there is still a mutual divide and suspicion between those who follow a traditional academic education and professional career path (like the two Js and Susannah) and those like Lee (and Sarah and indeed much of Essex) who may not have enjoyed all of their cultural advantages, but are still determined to make a success of themselves and not be backward about letting the world know it. Of course the fact that Lee put his trust in Susannah alone and didn’t try any positive alliance-building attempts with the others didn’t help either.

Anyway, as a final hooray, Lee states that he doesn’t want anyone on his tribe to win Survivor and promptly picks Dave as his choice. He even becomes the first person in the series to use that favourite RealityNewsOnline phrase, the ‘alpha-male’, when talking about Alastair. Well, if Lee gets fed up with the truck dealership and the DJing, he can always come and write for us. As he might say, ‘Blinding!’

Next week: Lots of water! Charades! Meeta is pissed off! And goodbye Bridget or Meeta (can I get two predictions in a row correct?)

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