WWF Tough Enough 2, Episode 3: Moons Over Los Angeles

As many of you already know, Tough Enough 1 winner Maven defended the WWF Hardcore belt at Wrestlemania 18 (available for pre-order at Amazon) against Goldust. Wrestlemania is considered the highlight of the WWF’s year, and everyone wants to be a part of the show. Maven defending a title at Wrestlemania inside of his first year in the WWF has got to be huge for him.

Yeah, I know I sound like a broken record about Maven and how great he’s doing, but I simply can’t believe it. The WWF has people who make a LOT more money than Maven and aren’t utilized nearly as well (Al Snow and Tazz being prime examples). He wasn’t guaranteed that he would be used, either. Just look at Nidia for proof of that.

Anyway, how did Maven do? Well, he left Wrestlemania as Hardcore Champ, but it wasn’t quite that simple. The Hardcore title is defended "24/7," so it doesn't have to be an actual match, just so long as there's a referee nearby.

Maven lost the actual match, (and although I didn’t see it, I was told this wasn’t his best match) but not to Goldust. Spike Dudley ran in and won the title, who then proceeded to lose it to the Hurricane, and on and on throughout the night. Eventually, after being won by Molly Holly and then Christian, Maven won it back from Christian and took off in Christian’s taxi.

The next night on Raw, Maven defended the belt against Al Snow. They had a nice little match going, with Al wanting to win the title yet not wanting to hurt his student too badly, and Maven simply wanting to keep the title, even if it meant he had to beat the crap out of his teacher. Spike Dudley ran in again, but a debuting wrestler named Brock Lesnar put an end to everything, destroying everything that moved. Maven still holds the title, and we all await the next chapter in his career.

On another note, I’ve gotten quite a few emails on last week’s “Ephedra situation.” In short, Aaron took “a dangerous supplement” whose main ingredient is Ephedra, and he subsequently became short of breath and his heart rate jumped to over 150.

A reader named Moneypenny informed me of an aspect of this story I didn’t know: one pill that contains “relatively high amounts” of Ephedra compared to other substances is Stacker 2. It was banned in Florida a few years ago because the levels of Ephedra were higher than most other “natural supplements.” Nebraska has banned all supplements containing Ephedra, and it is a banned substance in the Olympics and in NCAA events.

I find this particularly amusing. As anyone who watches WWF programming knows, wrestlers have been an integral part of the Stacker 2 campaign for quite a while now. Even more amusing, guess who is the most recent WWF spokesman for Stacker 2? None other than The Big Show himself, our special guest star last week. This makes the scene of him discouraging the use of Ephedra to Aaron pretty interesting, doesn’t it? It also might explain why Aaron felt “betrayed” at being cut. Was he cut because of an adverse reaction to supplements advertised by the WWF?

On to tonight’s show. Once again, my friend Dale Sherman will be providing an assist with some of the observations herein. I should point out that Dale’s birthday is coming up soon, so buy him something here.

They start by discussing the cuts from last episode. Everyone seems to be surprised that Aaron was cut. Personally, I’m starting to think that he was cut more for being stupid than anything. Taking stimulants is one thing, taking them on an empty stomach with no clue how they’re going to affect you is quite another.

Starting a trend this episode, we segue into talking about Hawk. As we know, Bob Holly likes to pick on Hawk. Hawk still maintains that Bob likes him, while Bob asserts that he never liked him, never will. To prove the point, Hawk offers to shake Bob’s hand after the workout and Bob brushes him off. Oooh.

Jake describes Hawk as bizarre. To “prove” this point, Bob tells Hawk to describe to the viewers how to make a Hawkwich. A Hawkwich is two blueberry Eggo™ waffles with a big glob of creamy peanut butter in the middle. Sounds pretty good, actually, except I couldn’t have them as my girlfriend is allergic to peanut butter and the smell of it makes her sick.

Speaking of making people sick, we get Alicia, the other half of this episode’s focus. She’s hurt her back, and Big recommends she see a doctor. The Doc says she has a muscle strain, and advises that she take some bed rest, then physical therapy. Physical therapy worked miracles for my back, so I’d tend to agree. Alicia doesn’t want to be bed-ridden, so she gets some hearty painkillers and some anti-inflammatories, which if you ask me, are as bad as the Ephedra.

The next day brings another round of Optimum Fitness training. They all spend a lot of time talking about Raphael, the trainer, who abuses them with merciless glee. He never takes his sunglasses off, which leads to Kenny calling him “the man with no eyes,” a reference to Road Boss Godfrey in Cool Hand Luke. Unfortunately, none of the women offer to re-enact the car wash scene from the movie.

Instead, we work on personalities. This should probably wait until they cut out more of the crap, but okie-dokie. They have homework tonight, which essentially is to answer 10 questions regarding “character development.” A sample question, thanks to Jessie: “When I lose and have to deal with disappointment, I am…{blank}” Now, make crude sexual references and include Richard Dawson, and you’ve got yourself a show.

Hawk’s having trouble completing his homework (as I notice a bottle of pills near his bed…and now I can’t help but wonder what’s in them) and there are scribbles everywhere – the paper’s a mess. As the others joke with him, Hawk snaps and rips the homework up. Yikes. Kenny, however, saves the day by asking if Hawk needs a hug. I’m REALLY starting to like Kenny.

Hawk gets up, says he’s not himself and calls his Mom. He says “something wretched and horrible is eating away at my insides,” but I’m guessing it’s just the Hawkwiches. He decides to go out with Danny and Kenny at 6AM to the local copy place and replace his torn homework. He finishes up with a little help from his friends, and all is well.

Sam Christiansen Studios is the site of their little seminar to develop their persona. There’s quite a bit of talking here about personalities and perception and all that other jibber jabber, the upshot of which is that, after all the fuss, they never even collect the homework.

Much later, Jessie tells Alicia that she should sit out so she doesn’t hurt herself worse. Alicia wonders if Aaron was cut because he had to sit out. Why does she even bother? Does she really think that it’s going to get better before it gets worse?

Pete wonders if her injury is as bad as she’s making it out to be. When they’re at home, she’s like a frail old lady. When they’re out, she’s dancing around just fine. Hmm.

That night, they go to a restaurant which happens to have a mechanical bull and, of course, everyone wants to try it. Big makes them a bet. If Kenny and Hawk can stay on the bull the full (I’m guessing) eight seconds, they will get two days off Optimum Fitness. If either of them fall off, they all have to attend Trax dressed only in jockstraps for the men, and bikinis for the girls.

Alicia doesn’t like the idea (and I hope she’s not mixing painkillers and that beer!) but they decide to go for it. Kenny makes the bull his bitch, but Hawk becomes the bitch, falling after a hard shot to the gonadular region, according to him.

Alicia’s MAD. She says she’s going to have a piss-poor attitude Monday because of this. Wow, only on Monday? That’d be a distinct improvement. She yells at Hawk: “It’ll be public humiliation! PUBLIC HUMILIATION!!” As Dale pointed out, if he’d have known she’d be that upset beforehand, he’d have jumped off the bull the moment it started moving.

They emerge from the dressing room on Monday, and Ivory is in hysterics. She makes them all turn around. Naturally, and thank goodness, their buttcracks and other areas are blurred out for our protection. Er, hey, David, can I say the word “buttcrack”?

Al pulls them all out into the street and makes them jog. Hey, it’s Los Angeles, I’ll bet it happens all the time. They still get a few good reaction shots from people, the best one being the guy who stops DEAD in his tracks as a bikini-clad Jessie runs past him. Again, I must add, THANK GOD Robert got cut before this. Al, of course, has a line ready, “There’s full moons out and it’s the middle of the day.”

They have to do everything that day in their skivvies, which provides some interesting moments. Jake is unfortunate enough to be in the back row during squats, and keeps his eyes locked to the ceiling. Smart man. Every time someone takes a back bump, everyone gets quite a show (although thankfully we’re spared by that wonderful blur). I’m sure those uncensored tapes would be worth some money in the wrong hands.

Al sums it up nicely, once again, “There was ass here. There was ass there. Hairy ass. Fat ass. Dimply ass. Lots of ass. I was pretty grossed out.”

Everyone laughs about it. They pretty much write it off as humiliating, yet in a good-natured way. My girlfriend points out that walking around with your ass hanging out all day would probably teach you humility really quickly. Of course, it just pisses Alicia off, and she got away with wearing shorts and a sports bra.

More Optimum Fitness, and Alicia sits it out with a smile on her face. She asks, “Who’d want to do this, anyway?” Anyone wanting a WWF contract, I’d guess. The others are starting to comment more and more about her attitude.

Big, once again, offers them two days off from Optimum Fitness if they all dive into the cold Pacific Ocean. Everyone says no, but Hawk quickly volunteers, presumably to make up for falling off the bull before. Once he dives in, everyone else follows. Alicia (sing along with me) doesn’t want to, and yells something about having a paranoia of water. Yeah, I’m allergic to crabby little white-trash bitches, but I’ve still got to put up with you, so deal with it.

Everyone compliments Hawk for volunteering. To close out the show, Big tells us that Hawk is unique, and they love him for it. But, they’re afraid that Hawk’s got some inner demons they haven’t seen…

NEXT WEEK: It’s Alicia vs. Jessie and hopefully they’ll take each other out! More cuts! A LOT less ass!

Make sure to check RealityNewsOnline soon, as Dale and I bring you the first of three “Quarterly Reports,” where we discuss those already cut and take another look at the remaining contestants. See you then!

Although Mike DeGeorge could give a rat’s ass about college basketball, he’d like to congratulate Missouri and Indiana (minus Bobby Knight, plus wins!) for making their Regional Finals, and wish Illinois luck on Friday against Kansas. They’ll need it. E-mail Mike at mikmaria@swbell.net.

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