No Boundaries, Episode 4: All Together Now

When we last saw our valiant contestants, Ina had just been chosen as the new leader. As we now return to our regularly scheduled (but possibly soon-to-be-yanked) program, the flock is in day eight, “deep in the heart of British Columbia.” (Just so you know, this episode inflicts upon the viewer way more yapping from Kermit than I’m able to tolerate. I eventually had to watch the show with the sound muted, so if I missed some integral dialogue you’ll understand why.)

Our first treat is a discussion of the alliances. Ina states that she’s well aware of the fact that Jesse’s made alliances with everyone (including Todd, providing firm evidence that Jesse doesn’t actually know the definition of the word “alliance.” By his demonstration last week, my guess is that he thinks it means this: to pretend to have someone’s back then proceed to stab him in it with a rather sizeable blade, twisting in a counter-clockwise motion up to four times). Jesse proves himself to be a complete moron once again by saying that no one in the group knows that he’s made alliances with everyone. Okay, get a clue, dumbass! Your move last week was solid evidence of your pact with Kirsten and Whiner… oops, I mean Rosie. Then when we hear Matt and Allen discussing Ina’s knowledge of Jesse’s double-stick taping himself to everyone in the group, we see that she’s assuring that her alliances know of Jesse’s deceptive tendencies as well.

Ina is no fool. Jesse is no strategic master.

The group reward event requires the team to kayak through rapids. If they complete this, they’ll each get some cool-looking rain gear and stuff. There are six flags (side note: there were six flags last week, too...is this some subliminal plug for one of America’s national theme-park chains? Just wondering…) scattered about on rocks through the rapids. Each team member needs to place a gold rock on one of the flags. The flags that are the furthest away will be the hardest to reach, as the competitors will be going against the current. They have 90 minutes to complete the event.

Ina just happens to be a world-champion kayaker or something. (How fortunate!) So she teaches everyone the proper way to paddle. “If you are scared – paddle. If you are unsure – paddle. If anything goes wrong – paddle. If you stop paddling, you have no control.” Good to know.

They show some rather amusing clips of kayaks flipping over and dumping people in the water.

Other than seeing the kayaks turn over, how the-exact-opposite-of-exciting this event was to watch.

Ina separates everyone out by skill level and has Rosie, Dustin, and John put their rocks on the first flag. Dustin drops her rock in the water but is able to retrieve it. Allen, Stephanie, and Jill went a bit further up, with Jill getting a rock pretty far away because of her upper-body strength. (Yeah, check out the bis and tris on this woman when you get a chance…she’s pretty buff.) Eli has to cross a strong current to get to his rock. Jesse, Kirsten and Kelly have a closer target. Jesse really struggles to complete the event. Ina says that he was afraid of flipping upside down.

Kermit repeats the goal of the event again. (Okay, we KNOW what they have to do…it’s not rocket science.) My finger hovers over the “mute” button on my remote.

Ina says that Jesse was really unstable. Jesse says that he wasn’t scared; it was just his determination shining brightly. (Real men never admit to fear.) Ina feels the rewards of her teaching, and Jesse’s just tickled blue (not pink – that’s for girls) for “putting the gold rock on that big rock.” (And he continues to impress us with his articulate vernacular.)

Matt and Ina have the farthest targets. They reach them. They put their gold rocks on those big rocks. The group finishes the event in 40 minutes. Whoopee.

Jill sings the praises of Ina as a leader and as a person. Kirsten speaks about the girls bonding. We are shown a shot of all the girls together, and while it does look as though they are bonding nicely, Rosie looks about as comfortable as a cheerleader (or, in her case, an aerobics instructor) at a microsurgical convention.

Ina begins her quest to find out whom everyone wants to eliminate. Jesse is vague. Everyone else says Rosie.

How surprising.

Isn’t this thrilling?

But wait… there’s more.

Day 9 is removal day. We get a shot of lil’ cutie Matt shouting across Antler Lake. Jesse boldly speaks on behalf of all the men by saying that “the guys will get rid of the girls because the men are stronger, you know? Yeah, I mean, the girls… these girls are pretty strong, but… it’s just the way men are, I guess. I don’t know.” No, Jesse, it’s the way you are. I don’t see the other guys rushing to shove the women on the next boat back to mainland USA.

Kermit drones on about how before the next event, Ina has a tough decision. (So close to getting muted, pal.) While they drive up to the next location for the individual reward event, Stephanie talks about how this interaction with boys on TV could ruin her marriage. Not sure what relevance this has to the game, but whatever.

Kermit pulls Ina aside and explains what she has to do. I’m almost unable to endure his yammering, but I bear it enough to find out the extended dance version of the elimination procedure. Ina will select three people to stay behind as the other eight get on the Zodiac, a big ol’ nifty sailboat. Now for the exciting twist… Ina’s three nominees for the Next Person to Get Kicked Award get to plead their cases to her before she decides by telling her the reason why they each want to stay. Then, just when things get nice and uncomfortable, the four of them will speedboat out to the Zodiac, and three of them will board.

So Ina releases everyone but Rosie, Jesse, and Eli. She asks them why they should stay. Eli says he wants to push it to the limit and have a good time. (A nice diplomatic answer.) Rosie points out all of the challenges presented to her so far, like camping (she apparently thought they’d be put up in a hotel this whole time… because there are so many grand accommodations scattered about in the Canadian wilderness), but she thinks she’s worked really hard and wants to continue with the adventure. (The hundred grand isn’t a bad motivator for her either, I’m sure.) Jesse feels that he’s contributing a lot to the group and is having a blast.

The four of them take the speedboat out to the sailboat, and Ina proceeds…

(At this point I’m chanting “Jesse, Jesse, Jesse…”)

…to tell Rosie to go aboard, because she did end up apologizing for the tampon debacle and should have another chance. She turns to Jesse and talks about how he’s put in a great effort, but that his alliance issues have really determined the decision for her. Eli breathes a sigh of relief while Jesse wonders, “Duh… does that mean I have to go home?”

YES!! Ina is declared my hero for the next 25 minutes.

Useless climbs out of the sailboat and on to Jesse’s lap (for a farewell lap dance, presumably) as Ina and Eli get on the sailboat. The speedboat carries Jesse away, and all is right with the universe once again.

Jesse calls them all a bunch of hypocrites. I almost fall off my bed while shouting, “Hello, kettle? This is pot. You’re black!” at my TV. He goes on to say how he couldn’t trust anyone there. (I wonder if he’d checked his reflection for evidence of a hard-core trust factor just before making that profoundly hypocritical statement.)

The remaining eleven participants are sailing now. Everyone is assigned to a position on the boat, with Ina operating as the Skipper. Matt gets the job that requires him to climb the mast. (I’ll refrain from any phallic references here… this is a family site.)

Rosie bitches and moans about how highly stressful her position in the pit is. (I didn’t see YOU climbing the mast, Whiner!) Right, any other position and she would have been thrilled to death. Can you believe the nerve of that girl? Ina spares her and within thirteen seconds she’s poised and ready for the whining position yet again. Good Lord, someone put some gaffer’s tape over her mouth, please.

The individual reward challenge is called “Man Overboard.” (Too bad Jesse’s gone – he would have really appreciated the non-PC title of this event.) This event requires someone to make like Gilligan and jump overboard while the rest of the team gets to rescue him or her within eight minutes. If the group completes the event, three members get a Swiss Army multi-tool. (Heh heh…Ina said “tool.”)

John volunteers to be Gilligan. He does so because he’s scared; he wants to face his fear and challenge himself while illustrating his inherent value to the rest of the team. “I don’t know if I’d call it confidence – my mother would call it stupidity…” he says. Sweetie, I’d call it good strategy.

Stephanie is the spotter; Eli and Dustin are responsible for getting John out of the water. Like a good little Christian boy, John blesses himself before he jumps in. He talks about how seeing the boat heading straight toward him turned him into a deer in the headlights. Then we see him struggling – not an easy task to get yourself into the rescue harness when you’re freezing your butt off and scared as hell, eh, little buddy? Dustin wants to start reeling him in right away, but they can’t until John holds up his hands to indicate that he’s secured himself in the harness.

Several heart-pounding moments pass.

He gets himself in the harness and gives the signal. Dustin and Eli pull him in. Thanks to the courage of the fearless crew, the rescue is complete in five minutes. The Minnow is not lost after all, and I’m sure John’s mom is beaming with pride by now.

The team travels to the next location. Rosie complains about needing a chiropractor when she gets out of the boat. John thanks the team for their gallant rescuing efforts. Ina gives the three rewards to Dustin (for putting her butt into it), Stephanie (for keeping close watch on ‘John John’), and John “for pushing (his) boundaries.” Well done, kids. Kermit talks far too much once more, and here’s where my mute button takes action.

The next day the new leader is chosen. We are led to believe that it might be Jill for a split second, but then it’s looking more like it will be Eli or Matt.

Eli is the new leader.

I’m not listening anymore, but I knew it was going to be Eli, so there it is. Jill is surprised and thinks that Rosie and Kirsten are the ones who didn’t want her to be leader. Kelly thought Jill or Matt would take it. Rosie grumbles about how Eli doesn’t like her – didn’t she say the same thing about Ina last week?

With Jesse gone (and PLEASE, if there is any justice in the realm of reality TV, let Rosie get axed next), it is going to be extremely difficult to choose who goes after that. Everyone else is really capable of finishing the game and it seems like the remaining contestants get along wonderfully. So if they get rid of Rosie I’ll have no one left to criticize. Damn. [Editor’s Note: Don’t worry – a new villain always steps up to the plate.]

Hopefully this show won’t be canceled, and we can all watch Episode #5. Catch it next Sunday night at 7/6 central on the WB Network.

Dana Walker is a writer/singer/songwriter/former reality show contestant living in the Los Angeles area. Contact her at LilDanaSunshine@msn.com.

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