The Bachelor, Episode 1: Love, Exciting and Whew!

If you haven’t already seen it, make sure to check out Brian’s picks in his Bachelor preview article.

Twenty-five women and one man. It sounds like the plot line of a movie that you wouldn’t want to have your mother catch in your VCR.

Here’s our host, Chris Harrison, the only man that our eponymous character will have to help him through what has to be, potentially, the most embarrassing moment of his life. Embarrassing, because at any moment, one of these twenty-five women could say no to him in an instant. Even worse, there is the possibility that the woman he ultimately asks to marry him can turn him down – ON NATIONAL TV. Oooh, the drama. Ooh, the tension. Okay, there’s not really any tension right now. Give me a few more weeks and maybe we can build something up.

The bachelor, Alex, is described as someone who has succeeded in every aspect of his life except love. Part of me wants to scream “WORKAHOLIC!” because being a workaholic myself and being single myself and well…what can I say….I can feel this guy. I can feel his pain. Then again I’m someone who has a major crush on….okay, this isn’t about me -- it’s about this guy Alex so forget I even mentioned anything. So what do we learn about Alex? When he was a kid, he looked like a dweeb. He had the super shaggy hair and glasses. Hey wait a minute. When I was a kid, I looked like a dweeb with glasses and super shaggy hair. Of course I was in third grade and I needed a haircut but that was me. So far so good. Wait, there’s a picture of him doing tonsil hockey with a woman who is not one of our twenty-five women. Um. Okay. So much for the shaggy hair and glasses geek. According to mom and pop (who incidentally were in each other’s presence for 21 days out of a possible 730 prior to him popping the question), it took a little girl across the street to make him turn to contacts and the world of swimming. And for me…. well, okay that’s the end of my comparisons between Alex and myself. In high school, Alex was on the state swim team, class president, class valedictorian, and homecoming king. Basically, he was the rare combination of smart and cool. Don’t ask me how it happened but it did. Of course while we’re watching the story of Alex’s life we’re treated to quite a few beefcake photos of him (i.e., the man was either in a swimsuit or shirtless and showing off a body that many men would kill to have or would kill him for simply having it).

Finally Alex arrives and the first thing that bothers me about him is his jacket. Okay, those who know me know that I can be a bit of a fashion Nazi. You think Joan Rivers was bad for saying that Geoffrey Rush looked like a bartender at a bisexual bar upon his arrival at the Golden Globe awards a few years ago? I was worse. I know it’s hard to believe that anyone could be worse than that but, yes, it’s true. His jacket just didn’t appear to fit him well. It looked a little too big and a bit too long. I know some people like baggy clothing but the jacket was just a bit off. If you’re going to wear a black shirt and black pants you might want to consider a black jacket to go with it. But enough about fashion. ABC has combed the nation and found twenty-five women for him to consider to be his wife. The list includes two doctors, two lawyers, ten women with or seeking a graduate degree, a singer, an actress, a cheerleader, a millionaire, his wife, a movie star, the Professor, and Mary Ann….

We now get clips of the women who have all tried out to be on this show. Some of these women just appear to be desperate. You’ve got women singing songs. You’ve got women who look like they are auditioning for Letterman’s stupid human tricks (okay the women with that long tongue… gross). Poor Amy was so cute in her video but, come on. There are at least five million men in New York City. Now let’s assume that half of them are married. That leaves two and half million men. Of course, we have the men in New York City who are gay. That leaves about forty-two men left in the entire city. Okay, just kidding. But still. Something tells me that she either had very high standards, a mold that she is trying to shoehorn a man into, or… or… or I dunno. We get more women including one who says she’s a virgin and I have to shake my head quite a bit. Twenty-five women have been selected and have been flown to Malibu where they will meet Alex. Of course they have been shown a few pictures of him and they all think he’s a dreamboat. Oh come on… they didn’t show the shaggy pics?

The first limo arrives and here come the ladies. First up is Kim (aka Kimberly) who has had her hair straightened since the picture on the website was taken and looks much better. The kinky hair reminded me far too much of Farrah Fawcett during her whacked-out-I’m-on-drugs interview with Letterman. She says she is ready to settle down and get married. She’s three years younger than I am. “You have time!” I screamed. Next is Cathy (one of my top picks) who is only 22 but looked much older in her online pic. Next up is Trista, the cheerleader from the Miami Heat. She calls herself a true romantic. Denise, the doctor from Honolulu, is next and oy vey… that hair, those clothes, that mouth… I really didn’t know what to make of her except that I knew she was not making a nice first impression on me or on Alex. Doctor or not I just wasn’t buying it. Amy, our New Yorker, comes in next, and calls herself the girl next door. For the most part, the ladies (with the exception of Denise) all look pretty good.

Next limo arrives and I’m getting bored because this is not the red carpet walk of the Oscars. Alexa is up next and I’m not too fond of her hair, but something tells me I will have to deal with it. She says she will only marry him if she feels a connection to him. Well, of course he has to ASK YOU FIRST! LaNease is next and she’s already claiming to be the perfect woman for the perfect man. Rachel, another of my top picks, arrives and thinks that her students would not be shocked, but their parents will. Tina (another top pick), who I think squealed that she wasn’t ready when the limo was pulling up, compares this to the first day of school. Okay, that would be true, but your teacher isn’t getting rid of half of you every few days until only one of you is left and the teacher… well… no Mary Kay LeTourneau jokes. Angelique is last out of this limo and I saw her stumble her way to Alex and I had to wonder if she was on crack or had too much champagne or too much something. She looked high.

Next limo and there’s…. oy vey…. okay, let’s save some time and power our way through the final women. Otherwise, we would be here for even longer than needed. Wendi whose guy friends see her as more of a buddy instead of a girlfriend. Rhonda does not kiss or have sex on the first date. Christina (an alternate pick for the final four) was the first to say more than just “hi” to the bachelor. It was interesting to notice that. Jill’s parents think this is great and her friends are planning “Jill” parties. Dare I ask what a Jill party is? Kathryn (or Katie as she’s known, not to mention my pick to win it all in the end) is resplendent in her nice blue dress. Her main concern is that Alex gets to know her for who she is and that she doesn’t let the competitive nature of the show get to her. Amanda, another top pick, has a HUGE chest. I was like… WHOA, where did those come from? For some reason she felt compelled to tell us that she bought a trapeze for he bedroom and it wasn’t to audition for Ringling Brothers. Lisa, an attorney, really doesn’t look that great either when she meets Alex. Maybe it’s the hair. Maybe it’s the dress color. I dunno. She just didn’t grab me. She looked a bit too eager. Angela looks cute but that whole part about being a Hooters waitress kinda made me laugh. Amber, who I picked not to make it past this round because I thought she was a bit immature. Turns out she’s 29. I was just in shock. And one recommendation for you Amber… that red dress didn’t do anything for you. The color was just a bit off and it didn’t go with your complexion. Daniela arrives in this stunning dress and she has this fabulous hourglass figure that made me say, “Wow!” Paula was next and to be honest, I didn’t find anything to say about her except, “Blah.” I mean there are impressions and there are impressions and she wasn’t making one. Jackie (or Jaclyn as she’s known on the ABC website) was wearing so much make-up I wondered if I was talking to my good friend and drag queen Cissy Galore. Maybe Jacqueline Jonee. Or even Barbie Stiletto. But she wasn’t doing it for me. She looked really… plastic? Melissa arrives next and she gets the most talking in with our bachelor and I have to wonder if that makes an impression on him. Kristina is next and she thinks this is going to be a very fun way to meet a guy (or be embarrassed on national TV, take your pick). Finally, there is Shannon who takes the initiative, calls the bachelor by his name and introduces herself. Very upfront and direct. She definitely separated herself from the rest of the pack. But will it make a difference?

Now it’s time for the party and for the next few hours, our bachelor becomes the center of attention. From small group sessions to intimate one-on-one sessions, we see our bachelor chatting up the ladies and getting to know something more than their name, what they do for a living, and the name of their second cousin twice removed who appeared on Jerry Springer during the “Men Who Dress Up Like Animals and the Women Who Love Them” episode. He puts Cathy and Kim as some early favorites along with Trista and Amanda.

What’s interesting to see is how seriously some of these women are taking this – as if this is their last chance to land a man. I mean, for every woman that is not taken on this show, there are at least one hundred men who are going to track them down, throw themselves at their feet, and beg to date them. There is more than just Alex out there, ladies. Lisa was upset at herself for not making the most of her one-on-one time with Alex. She tried to do more than the normal stuff but she came across as very nervous and not very confident (or so I thought). As the evening winds on, Alex is given a Dating for Dummies miniature book by one of the ladies but Shannon trumps that when she slips him a compass with the message that this will help him find his way to his true woman. Are these women bribing him in order to get into his good graces and make it past the first round so they can get some more one-on-one time with Alex? Okay, so maybe Shannon was bribing him just a little, but she may slowly (and I do mean SLOWLY) be winning me over. Give me at least one more week with her.

Meanwhile, Katie thinks that she has nailed down the type of woman that will ultimately win out Alex’s heart. She has to be conservative, a bit classy, and well-mannered. Of course Alex says that he has no type whatsoever, something I think is a bit of a lie because, let’s admit it, if we all took a look at our dating history or even our crush history it all comes down, pretty much, to the same type of people. If you look at my current crush (because, yes, I do have one), well it falls pretty much in line (with a few slight variations) with the rest of my love life. There has to be something that distinguishes these fifteen women from the others.

Our host comes and takes Alex away to The Deliberation Room. Here are pictures of the twenty five women and a few seats. Chris tells Alex that now he must make a very hard decision and eliminate ten of the women from the group of twenty-five. Already he says that he has found an attraction to a few of the women – one of which may be the future Mrs. Alex. Sadly, this decision, he later tells the ladies, is based strictly on first impressions. Now this has to be hard. I mean, how long has he really spent with each of these women? Maybe, in total, thirty minutes or less in the presence of each one, either solo or in a small group. Now, unlike the Miss USA and Miss Universe pageant, something tells me these are not done in random order, but in order by how much he likes them. Interesting to note, at any moment, any of these women can refuse to take the rose from the bachelor if they feel he is not the man they would like to marry.

The first one he picks is one of my top five – Amanda on the flying trapeze. Then comes another one of my picks – Cathy, the doctor student. We then get Trista, the cheerleader and LaNease, who we saw VERY little of during the show. She was somewhat of a surprise pick for me. Tina (yet another top picks of mine) makes a face and pretends not to take a rose, but she laughs and does. Christina, one of my “gals to watch,” gets the next rose which is making me pretty damn skippy to be doing so well in the pick department. I was even happier to see the woman that I would fall to my knees and thank my stars to be married to her (if I was, ya know, straight, but that’s something else). You know who I am talking about…the woman that makes me go “WOW” – Katie, aka Kathryn. Alexa follows Katie and then there’s Angelique, the woman I thought was drunk or stoned or something. Fake comes to mind right now. After Angelique was Melissa (someone he already said did not have the whole package and based on the previews for next week it appears she gets cut). Angela, Kim, and Shannon are next in line and there is one rose left. Alex knows he has to pick one of them and I think he picked the woman whose name came to him first. And that woman was… Rhonda. The women who didn’t get a rose (including one of my top picks, Rachel, and my alternate, Daniela) all look somewhat upset. Amber tries to put on a brave face as she says that Alex missed out on a great woman, but she succumbs to the tears. Also missing out on a rose were Jaclyn, Wendi, Paula, Denise, Jill, and Kristina.

Next week, The Bachelor morphs into The Real World as the fifteen women move into a Malibu mansion, then morphs into Temptation Island as we see Alex locking lips with just about every woman left. And of course the answer I am waiting to hear is, who got tongue?

C. Brian Devinney resides in New York City where he works as a human resources consultant. When he's not reporting on reality television, Brian can be found rooting on his New York Yankees and Rangers, playing chess in Central Park, or sitting sixth row center in a Broadway theatre.

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