Big Brother 9’s Friday Morning Quarterback: What a Horrible Nightmare!

Free at last! Free at last! Finally, after a month of having to talk to the brick wall that is Andy Rooney, I have been allowed to write an entire column without any interference or incoherent ramblings.

So, where were we? Ah, yes. When we last left the Big Brother house, Ryan won the Head of Household competition. He immediately joined forces with his “Bros” – Adam, Matt, and a playing-both-sides-of-the-fence-because-he’s-the-only-player-in-the-house-who-understands-the-concept-of-strategy James. The Bros attempted to decide which of the ladies of the house (plus Joshuah) should be nominated, and eventually, James (still strategizing) helped steer the selection to his former soulmate Chelsia and Sharon. James didn’t actual want Chelsia to go, but wanted to get the target off of his back. A smart move from the game’s only thinker. I can’t help but think James is doomed.

**Ding-Dong**

Excuse me for a moment… that’s my doorbell.

Yes? UPS? I didn’t order anything. That’s an awfully big box. Where’s it from? Not allowed to open it yet? What? Wait for the siren? What are you talking about? Look, I’m in the middle of something. I have to go. Yes, just leave it there.

Sorry about that… where was I? Ah yes, Ryan made the nominations for eviction, and made some lame speech justifying his reasoning, which made no sense, because it’s blatantly obvious that it’s Bros versus Ho… mosapiens of the female gender. Now Ryan inexplicably became the rope in a tug of war between two rival factions in the house.

On the one side, you had the Anti-Matters. Joshuah formed an impromptu alliance of Sharon, Sheila, Natalie, and James, who wanted Matt backdoored. Ryan was promised two weeks of “immunity” from nomination by the Anti-Matters in exchange for backdooring Matt, but he tabled the discussion until after the veto competition. Unfortunately, Natalie, who has made absolutely no secret that she would give both of her kidneys to Matt if he asked her to, let the cat out of the bag. Idiots! Why did you include her on the plan?

Chelsia ended up winning the Power of Veto, but Ryan once again proved his idiocy in the process. On the one hand, he was smart to not “steal” the Power of Veto from Chelsia when he had the chance. After all, why would you want to be responsible for switching your own nomination in a backdoor plan? Let someone else “force your hand” and at least give you a chance to argue, “I had to nominate someone, dude.” That was fine.

But after Adam made a genuinely nice gesture of giving Sheila $10,000 when he didn’t have to, Ryan stole that money away. I realize it’s a lot of money. But again, Ryan fails to see the bigger picture. Whereas Adam’s gesture earned him Sheila’s vote down the line, Ryan’s gesture cost him one… from one of the people who had promised him “immunity,” no less. See how quickly that promise evaporates from Sheila now. Dumb move, Ryan.

Luckily, Chelsia made a dumber move by being snarky to Sheila, who in another brilliant show of rash decision-making immediately pulled out of the Anti-Matters. She formed her own counter-alliance of Adam, Matt, and Natalie. Now the house was evenly divided. And Ryan is no Abe Lincoln. Chelsia pulled herself off the chopping block and Ryan nominated… James. Sigh.

Flash forward to the live show and Julie Chen telling us that America had voted to put Alex back in the house. Not my first choice, but fine by me. Now James can go home and the Bros can restock. It’s curtains for Sharon, Chelsia and Joshuah. Game over. That’s what you get for not expecting the unexpected, suckers! James was evicted. And now Alex would get to go back into the game… Wait a minute. What did Julie say? The houseguests will vote for either James to return OR the person in the mystery box to come back. OR? What? Look, you can mess with the contestants all you want, but don’t mess with your audience. We voted for someone to go back in the house… put them back in the house!

Ryan, Matt, and Sheila voted for the mystery guest, likely hoping to see Jen, Alex, or Allison, respectively. The three remaining Anti-Matters voted for James to return. Adam and Natalie broke the tie, and as expected, Adam chose his Bro to return and Natalie’s brain let her down yet again as she, too, voted the fourth Anti-Matter back into the house. Just then…

**Whoop whoop whoop**

What the heck? Sorry, gang, there’s a strange whooping noise coming from that box. I’d better open it and see what’s inside.

Oh god, no.

Andy: **Whoop whoop whoop** Sirens used to lure sailors in with false promises of seduction. Then their ships would crash on the rocks. Crash Davis was a character in Bull Durham. I guess that makes Susan Sarandon a siren. I’m not sure. I never actually saw the whole movie. I fell asleep. Had a dream last night, though, where I was flying. Not in a plane, but with wings. Paul McCartney was in Wings. They toured the world, but used a plane. I prefer to still call them airships, though. Dirigibles. That’s a word you don’t hear much these days. Of course, at my age, I’m having trouble hearing much of anything at all. Maybe that’s why I should travel by boat. I certainly wouldn’t be lured into the rocks by a siren. Oh, I think Sheila wins HOH and nominates Ryan and James. I’m Andy Rooney.

AJ: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

If you haven’t already, be sure to check out these other recent Big Brother articles on RealityNewsOnline:

When not screaming at Andy to stop making that annoying ticking sound at the end of each of his sentences, AJ Mass writes about fantasy sports for ESPN.com. You may reach him at ajmass@verizon.net. Nobody has been able to reach Andy Rooney since around 1983.

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