American Fighter Pilots, Episode 1: Hazing, Simulators, and Cheesy Graphics

The latest entry in the reality TV wars is focused, oddly enough, against a backdrop of war. American Fighter Pilots revolves around three twenty-something males in training to fight the F-15 Eagle, which, one of their instructors say, can "kick the crap out of any MIG 29 on the planet." I guess we're already supposed to know what a MIG 29 is. The three are part of a training class of eight people put through a grueling 110-day training session. These eight are taken from a pool that started out with 15,000 applicants. The training takes place at Tyndale Air Force Base in Panama City, Florida. Many, according to one of the Chosen Few, have avoided the training at Tyndale mainly due to its reputation. Of the eight, usually one of them drops out or flunks out due to the intensity of the program. We're informed by an instructor that every one of the 110 days will feel like an eternity.

One thing that really gets old very fast is the producers’ tendency to superimpose any quote they find is important. For instance, when one of the three refers to the F-15 as a "Fast Mover," the words "Fast Mover" are superimposed for the viewing audience, just in case we didn't catch it the first time. It's surprising you don't see a note at the beginning saying, "This show is close-captioned for the excitement-impaired." By using this technique, the seriousness of the training, and its goal, becomes trivialized to the point of almost becoming a live-action cartoon. When one of the three profiled says his wife is "So damn good-looking," I was waiting them to super-impose that description, just in case we didn't get it the first time. In fact, trying to guess which quotes will end up that way almost becomes a game in and of itself.

Almost immediately, we're introduced to the three young men in question. All are married, one has two small boys, and one is about to become a father. First there's Mike Love. Okay, go ahead and get your Beach Boys jokes out of the way now. Mike tells us that since childhood, he's thought that it seemed like the neatest thing to fly one of these "Fast Movers," a description that could just as easily be applied to the show.

Next is Todd Giggy, who says that you don't have to talk about it or tell anyone about it. You just learn everything there is to learn about flying that plane. Giggy knows what he's saying: He's the son of a fighter pilot. Nevertheless, he struggles the most out of the three.

Finally, there's Marcus Gregory, who's soon to add parenthood to his list of duties. He dutifully says that all the "money in the world" couldn't persuade him to pursue another line of work.

At this point we see super-imposed on the screen, "Then times changed," an obvious reference to 9-11. Images of Osama bin Laden and President Bush are superimposed on the screen, as is an image of the second plane flying into the World Trade Center towers. No matter how many times you've seen the footage, it's still jarring if you don't know it's coming.

The world-changing events only strengthen the trio's belief in what they're doing. One of them says they're happy to be in a position to do something about it, and "We're not going to let that happen again."

Okay, now that that's all out of the way, let's go to Day 1 of the training. The eight are informed that as of now, they know nothing. But in 110 days, they'll able to, as stated before, "Kick the crap out of any MIG 29 on the planet." No, this doesn't get superimposed, but we do hear it twice in an hour. The F-15, which Gregory calls a "Mighty instrument of death," is apparently an instrument that reaches speeds of up to 1875 miles per hour. Just like a sports dynasty, the plane's record is superimposed on the screen: 104 kills, 0 losses. Maybe the producers should stop watching the WWF until after this show finishes production.

The potential pilots waste no time getting introduced to the realities of the situation they are putting themselves into: They're immediately treated to the "Mandatory Death Speech." But Love claims that for him, life or death is not surviving a mission, but rather staying in the program – which will obviously be a challenge in and of itself. One of the instructors informs the camera that in the 20 years he's been part of the F-15 community, many of his friends have died, but that's just the reality of what they do. This seems to contradict the earlier 104-0 graphic, unless they're talking about non-combat.

Like many reality shows, AFP makes use of interviews, but in this case the interviews make up the majority of the show. The comments to the camera are fine without the constant sensationalizing.

The first part of the training, the academic part, is tough enough. Then comes flight school, and then the simulator. One instructor says he's looking for guys with the "Heart of Lion." We also learn that at the end of the training, one of the pilots will be named "Top Gun." Just TELL me you can hear this and not think of Tom Cruise. Giggy says he's just concerned with getting through the training, while Gregory and Love express a desire to be named "Top Gun." However, one of their instructors tell us that discussing winning an award in public is the worst thing you can do as a student in this class. "That's just bad," he proclaims.

Okay, now on to day two. The students start out in the classroom, where one instructor says he's there to teach the book, not technique. He also says he's a pretty good guy to ask where to go eat. For some odd reason, the words "Where to go eat" are superimposed, just in case we missed it. Thus this tactic by the producers is not only annoying, but confusing as well. Guess all that training make you hungry.

The instructor describes the training as "serious business," and has no trouble throwing an eraser at a charge who falls asleep. He says the training is like putting your lips around a fire hydrant, and the water just keeps coming at you. What a lovely mental image.

Gregory says he's learned more in the first day of training here than he learned in the first month of pilot training. He and Giggy think that Love has an advantage, being a former flight instructor. But one of the instructors here says that's actually a disadvantage, because he'll have to re-learn a few things.

At first, it turns out, the student-teacher relationship is an adversarial one, and the charges must prove they can put up with the ribbing, which WILL occur. Love says they'll be referred to as first as "maggots," because that's the lowest form of life that may ever learn how to fly.

Okay, day three, for whatever reason, is skipped, and we go straight to day four. The students will spend time in the "simulator," which the instructor says, "simulates training." You have to admire the producers' grasp of the obvious. Giggy says the simulator is like "sitting in a dark hole," and that once the door shuts, you forget you're in a simulator.

The instructor says Giggy was having a hard time "rubbing his tummy and patting his head," and yep, that gets superimposed. What I want to know is, what percentage of viewers can sit through this show and not cringe at the cheesy, overdramatic superimposing. It almost reaches the level of a Saturday Night Live parody.

In yet another statement of the obvious, the instructor says that if this were easy, "anybody could do it," and once again, you can see it on the screen as well. Okay, okay, we get the point. Giggy says they should give you more basic aircraft practice before telling you how terrible you are. Though he struggles the most of the three, Giggy does not struggle to be quotable. So far, he's having trouble operating the emergency procedures and flying at the same time, i.e. rubbing his tummy and patting his head.

Next, we see the toll the training takes on the pilots' personal lives. Like the wife of a well-traveled disc jockey or football coach, Love's wife says she's pretty tired of moving, having done so eight times in their marriage. Gregory's pregnant wife says it's hard for her since he can't be there to do all the things a soon-to-be dad might do. Furthermore, she wanted to marry a guy with a nine-to-five job, not a pilot. But her hubby's excitement for the program turned her around. Giggy's wife says that since she met Mike during the training, being separated from him doesn't surprise her. She seems to deal with the best of the three, and certainly better than her spouse is dealing with the training.

Well, now it's time for the results. Predictably, Gregory and Love pass the simulator, and Giggy doesn't. Because of this, he'll have another simulator the next day. Failing two simulators in a row is almost unheard of, and might cost Giggy his spot in the training.

Okay, now it's time for the obligatory bar scene, where students and instructors alike go to unwind. No, no one breaks into a rousing rendition of "You've lost that lovin' feeling." One of the instructors informs us that there's an old adage that you'll learn more in the bar than you will during any flight. What I want to know is, will you remember it the next day? We also learn from the instructor that this is a fraternity, and the students haven't entered it yet. Uh, I think we got the point with the maggot comment. To further the point, we find out that everyone is known by their call sign, not their name, and until the trainees get a call sign, they'll be known as "Boner 1-6." Funny, I could've sworn there were EIGHT people in the training class. Guess two of them are teetotalers. The students will have to wait until this six-week training period is over to get their call signs.

One instructor says Giggy looks likes a seventh grader in a flight suit. We also hear the students referred to as "SNAPs," or Sensitive New Age Pilots. The instructor says that while the "SNAPs" listen to the Backstreet Boys, the instructors listen to Van Halen. The image of a pilot flying over hostile airspace to a backdrop of "Running with the Devil" make look good on MTV, but somehow isn't the image I conjure up of someone who's defending our soil.

Next, we meet "Mister Bones," the official mascot of the program. Mister Bones in a skeleton in a top hat who, on videos, speaks in a voice so gravelly he makes Freddy Krueger sound like a soprano. No, not the TV show. How did Mr. Bones originate? Who knows?

Next, an instructor says that if he found out one of his charges had a nipple ring, it would upset the balance in his world. I caught myself saying "get a life."

Okay, enough of the bar, it's time for Giggy's second simulator on day six. Not only does his fail this one as well, but the instructor says he may have even taken a step back. If he's not careful, he might take a step OUT of the program.

Meanwhile, Gregory and Love, having passed the simulator, will get their first ride in the F-15. One of them says it's going to be an awesome experience – no, wait, it's their INSTRUCTOR who says that. Well, I guess it'll be an awesome experience.

Will Giggy finally pass the simulator? If he flunks out, will the series continue with just two pilots profiled? Tune in next week to find out. SUPERIMPOSE: "Tune in next week to find out."

Ken Kellam lives in Dallas, Texas, in a condo he has recently started sharing with Luke, an Orange Tabby. Luke has filed for adoption.

Be sure to sign up for our e-mail update so you can stay informed about new articles on the site! And take a look at the rest of the site. You can find our most recent articles at the Home page and take a look at our sections on Survivor: Marquesas and Temptation Island 2. You can even buy reality show stuff at our Reality TV Store!

For more news about reality TV, be sure to check out RealityTVFans.com and SirLinksALot!