Beauty and the Geek 7 Recap Show: Saved By One Shocking Transformation

I’ll do the best I can with this one, but fair warning my heart sinks when I have to recap a clip show. This isn’t like Goethe or Kafka where each reread will reveal some heretofore missed insight or layer of depth. Beauty and the Geek is a guilty pleasure, and I am not kept up night wondering if I missed some critical bit of nuance. I’m pretty sure I’m up to the intellectual challenge of following this season, so the real challenge is how to write the recap so everyone reading is still awake at the end of the column. Let’s see how that works out for us, shall we?

Mike, our favorite host (secret twin to The Amazing Race’s Phil Keoghan) narrates that which went before to bring us to week six of the season. He promises us never before seen footage from the rowdiest and most competitive of all the seasons. Personally I would trade a little rowdiness for some of the sweetness of previous seasons, but no one asked me.

The most exciting tease of the night is that Jim, the bearded geek who was eliminated with Tiffany before the makeover show, got his makeover after all. He is most looking forward to the experience and the producers aren’t dummies - they can see he’ll clean up really well and give the biggest makeover payoff - hence the posthumous coiffing.

To this end Jim’s former partner Tiffany heads to his hometown to offer him the makeover. She calls up to his window reminiscent of the Romeo and Juliet balcony scene in reverse (well, if Juliet were offering Romeo a haircut and shave rather than eternal love. Other than that, exactly the same.) Jim heads down asking “What are you doing here?” in such a stilted I-practiced-this-line-for-hours-so-I-hope-it-sounds-natural tone of voice it brought the funny. He is happy that his disappointment over being ousted before the makeover has been cancelled.

Is there an 800 number I can call to cancel disappointment? I have some issues I’d like to get off the table.

As Jim and Tiffany embark on their crusade to find the yummy guy under the Grizzly Adams beard, Mike walks us through day one of the season - when the beauties met the geeks.

He reminds us that we began as Beauty Vs Geek, which was a first for the franchise. He refreshes our recollections of the romantic status of some of the geeks: Jason has never had a girlfriend and John has never dated at all.

Aren’t you glad we don’t have to know this kind of thing about the people we work with? Having to take a sexual inventory in a staff meeting would bring a whole different dynamic to the office.

Mike tells us this is the most unique group of beauties, and there are people who feel they are less classically pretty as a whole than in previous seasons. At least the people who send me e-mail, anyway. To showcase her uniqueness, we’re given a glimpse into Tara’s first meeting with Joe. He asks her what her career ambitions are and she claims to want to teach kindergarten. An admirable goal - but Joe’s comments about needing a teaching credential leave her confused. Perhaps she should leave the education of the youth of America to others a little better equipped upstairs.

Flashback to the reveal of the big initial twist that they will be vying against each other as teams, rather than working together as partners. We’re also told that the guys got to see things they’ve never seen before, intercut with footage of various beauties’ bottoms. Really? Maybe they meant seeing them without the need for an internet connection.

Matt comments that some of the ladies upper parts are somewhat… aggrandized. That is possibly the most politically correct phrasing for boob jobs that I’ve ever heard. But the ladies aren’t the only ones working the torsos as we get a look at Jason, the “one buff geek.” And he is not just well built, he’s cut. The girls fawn all over him as they weren’t expecting any of the guys to be bringing the beefcake. He does take his shirt off for a little flexing, to fulfill his obligation to the ladies of America. If he only knew that awesome as his abs are, that his sense of humor is even sexier, he would have no confidence issues.

We’re introduced to the running theme they’ll be using tonight to try to cobble random bits into some kind of cohesive show. The theme is Beauty and the Geek Yearbook, and Jason is voted, “Most likely to star in his own fitness infomercial.”

Our next stop on memory lane is the first challenge where the girls got make-unders and competed against the guys to see who could get the most valid phone numbers in a bar. Tara learned from her time spent in the fat suit that it isn’t nice when people are mean to you. She now feels bad for being mean to fat girls in the past.

I guess not everyone is born with common decency so they need to learn life lessons on game shows.

The guys lost this challenge resulting in John being the first cast member eliminated.

Next up is a rehash of how Jonathan has never kissed a woman on the lips who wasn’t a relative (and you can’t pay me to delve deeper into that statement). Mike thinks it may be because his mating call is fairly unusual, as it’s that of a raptor. The girls decide to make a girlfriend for him out of… a potato. Yep, a homemade Miss Potato Head Doll is what every lonely bachelor needs. Cara thinks they will be happy together, and Jonathan is deemed, “Most available bachelor” by the yearbook committee.

This is followed up by a cheesy faux commercial, courtesy of either a very bitter or very drunk editing department, for Tater Girlfriends. This was a little more mean-spirited than I like to see, personally.

Tommy is the next geek to be featured, and it turns out he’s the geek with the “it” factor. All the beauties, and even Greg, notice that he’s not just handsome but he’s also tall, funny, and innocent. This segues into night vision where Tommy is messing around in bed with two of the girls who are proposing an orgy, hoping he’s a virgin as they will make it more exciting. I can’t tell which two they are, but despite his claims of awkwardness he seems to be enjoying himself. The yearbook committee votes him, “Most likely to hook-up.”