Under One Roof, Episode 2: Paradise for Who?

Episode Two, "Family Face Off," begins with the Pagani Family, who are spending the night in isolation. The scene is the ruins of a church which is reportedly haunted. To earn a ribbon, they must spend the night there. They also have a chance to win a second ribbon by solving a brainteaser. Ten windows have been numbered, and a certain number of shells placed in each window, based on a pattern. To win the second ribbon, they must place the correct number of shells in window eleven.

To begin with, once the numbers were revealed, I knew the pattern. The Pagani family, however, do not have a clue. Here's the windows and the number of shells... if you don't know the pattern, the answer is in a few paragraphs. Window 1: 3. Window 2: 3. Window 3: 5. Window 4: 4. Window 5. 4. Window 6. 3. Window 7. 5. Window 8. 5. Window 9: 4. Window 10: 3.

Cut back to the house, where the four remaining families are getting more comfortable with each other, and some of the "best behavior" starts to wear out as they get a bit snippy. Melissa Distel isn't fitting in. She's homesick for her friends after being away only a few days. Her mom, of course, speaks glowingly of her child, saying she's much older than her years and it's only being perceived as aloofness. Her father also talks about how smart Melissa is, but he can't find an angle that works on her unhappiness. Uh, here's a clue for the Distel elders: the priorities of a teenage girl are simply not that of her 40-something parents. Her parents bribed her with a kitten to get her to come in the first place. Her heart just isn't in the game.

Back in isolation, the Paganis still don't have a clue as to the brainteaser pattern. They eventually decide it's a musical beat pattern, and place three shells in the eleven window.

At the house, most of the youths seem to be getting along pretty well, though Daniel Hatmaker finds his jokes can get on the nerve of the McRaes. This is foreshadowing people...

In the morning, Rob Nelson greets the Paganis with a ribbon for spending the night, then tells them that they failed to solve the brainteaser. The correct number of shells would be 6. He then reveals the pattern; there is one shell for each letter of the number when spelled out; 3 for O-N-E, 3 for T-W-O, 5 for T-H-R-E-E, etc. With that, he takes them back to the house.

At the house, the discussion among some of the youth regards the McRaes, and the way they act like they have a chip on their shoulder all the time. Meanwhile there is another argument brewing over food. They are going through it too fast (oh no, will Jeff Probst show up to trade them rice for their tarps again... oops, wrong show). Again, the McRaes are the focus; they apparently are filling their plates and eating whenever they want to. Arguments start to brew; Lyn Distel gets into it with the McRaes over their eating. Larry McRae weakly argues that his kids were just eating leftovers (uh, clue up man; food is food when you only have a limited amount).

With a cut to commercial, we return with the first family face-off challenge. The families are the entertainment for the halftime show of a local rugby match. They need to try to kick a goal with a Rugby ball. The winning family will get their choice of an "advantage item," which may (or may not) be helpful in the next property quest, or they can take an instant prize which will be theirs to keep when they return home. If they take the instant prize, the advantage item goes to the runner-up family.

The Distels are up first, and dear old dad fails to kick the goal. The McRaes go next, and Shannon also fails to make the shot. The Hatmakers are the first to kick a goal. Matt Skofield fails to kick a goal, but the Pagani family makes it. In the playoffs, the Hatmakers score again, but the Paganis don't. It's up to the Hatmakers to make their choice; an advantage item (a tee-shirt), or a pair of ATVs. After some debate, they decide they can always buy ATVs, so they go for the tee-shirt.

Back at the house, Brittany Skofield starts to warm up to Melissa Distel. Melissa insists she isn't trying to act like she is better than anybody else, but the impression remains. Melissa chats with her parents about why she's miserable, and tries to tell them she just doesn't want to be there, but her parents don't want to hear it. I kind of feel for her; she's been dragged into a competition she didn't want to be in, and misses her friends. To her parents, it's not horrible, but the mindset is just too different. As if there was any choice in the matter, the parents just tell her she's emotional and they are committed to competing. In a discussion about it on the hammocks, Larry McRae talks about how they are an emotional family, and says one of the reasons they entered was for the children (uh, right).

Back to the food situation. The solution to all problems is... ration it out. The McRaes sit out in disbelief that the others are actually dividing up the crackers. They then talk about how the feel more in common with the Fijian people than these other families sharing this house, and don't want to get into the "drama." The segment ends with Matt Skofield talking about how this was a competition, and he was going to throw morals "right out the window." I'd make some kind of comment here, except that we live in the same city (Las Vegas), and I'm listed in the phone book.

It doesn't stop there. After the commercial break, Matt talks the kids into doing something more creative than toilet papering the McRae bedroom. They decide to take stools and crates, stack them outside the McRae bedroom, and fill it up with trash and other stuff. The noise alerts the McRaes, who find their door blocked with stools and trash. We learn from Holly Skofield that Larry thinks it's a property quest, and goes through the trash, including some used sanitary napkins (ugh, couldn't they have edited that OUT? I didn't need to know that). The McRaes feel they were targeted to humiliate them. The McRaes are angry. The Skofields are amused. Then the McRaes assume it's a racial thing, and we are treated to a long sequence in which every member of the McRae family talks about being discriminated against, or how their parents were treated. The McRaes want an apology; Matt Skofield brushes it off by saying how their house used to get T.P.ed every week (oh boy, well, if the Skofields are reading this, just use colored TP as a signature and I'll laugh it all off).

Melissa Distel finally comes around, and decides she'd rather have fun than be miserable. She comments about how often is it they have a chance to spend a few weeks in Fiji. Uh, I have to wonder who put her up to that.

Rob Nelson arrives for the property quest. After this challenge, one family will have to leave the house forever. He points out they are sharing a house together, but also with birds, lizards, and... spiders. The game is spider-crawl. Fijian spiders like to crawl. Each family needs two spider-holders (as in – they have to hold the spiders on their bodies), and two spider-placers. The Hatmakers with the advantage item of a tee-shirt, gets to let one of their spider-holders wear it. Otherwise, it's bathing suits; men, no tops. The Hatmakers are up first. The parents are the holders; the boys the placers. They get 27 spiders. The Distels also opt for the kids to do the placement, and the parents hold them. Melissa is screaming at placing, but her mother indicates she's got to have them crawl on her; the least Melissa can do is pick them up on put them on her. This quest also seems to have scarred Melissa for life; she's picked up a spider phobia. They get 13 spiders. Next up are the McRaes. Standing back-to-back, the parents endure the placement of the spiders while the kids place them. Larry crosses his arms and instructs the kids to put them in there; a rather good idea. They get 35 spiders and are the team to beat. This time it's the girls doing the holding and the boys doing the placing. Holly and Brittany mix up their blond hair, and stand back to back, taking a page from the McRae playbook. 38 spiders! Finally it's the Paganis (oh boy, they live in Henderson; which is right next to Las Vegas... why did I end up guest-recapping this episode?). Houston, we have a problem. Bianca is terrified of the spiders, and cries in fright. Her parents reassure her that she doesn't have to do it; and indeed she's held by her father during the challenge. It's up to Giancarlo to carry the day. His mother opens up the top of her bathing suit and tells him to toss them in. He complies, and... they come in first place with 45 spiders!

It's scoring time, and the Hatmakers and Paganis are tied with 5 ribbons each. The Skofields and McRaes are tied with 4 ribbons each. Which means... uh oh... the Distel family must leave the house forever. They are given 30 minutes to pack their stuff and leave. They reflect on their adventure and how they functioned as a family, and realize how little time is left to them as a family. And yes, Melissa will return to her friends and her new kitten. Melissa, if you are reading this, consider the values that were shown. You valued your friends and a kitten over a house in paradise. Maybe, just maybe, you taught your parents something profound.

Back in the house, everybody has their own bedroom, with the Paganis taking possession of the bedroom the Distels left. It's a good one; the Distels had the two master bedrooms.

Jeffrey Clinard is a computer professional working in Las Vegas, Nevada.

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