American Fighter Pilots, Episode 2: First Flights

In the first episode of American Fighter Pilots, viewers were introduced to Top Gun hopefuls Todd Giggy, Marcus Gregory, and Mike Love. Unfortunately, they were also introduced to sensationalist production methods best left to MTV. Mainly, when a student or instructor says something the producers deem important, those words are superimposed on the screen.

While it's easy to look forward to charting the pilots' progress, the superimposing, or rather, superimpositions, are something to be endured and cringe at. With that in mind, I decided to do what any responsible writer would've done: Make a drinking game out of it, and take a swig with each new superimposition. But obviously, it's not smart to drink and write. Besides, I'm a tee-totaler anyway. Therefore, I sat down to watch the show with a 28-ounce glass of the finest H2O money can buy.

Okay, the show starts, and it's plain the producers are aiming at the male demographic: In a recap of the premiere, we see a shot of Giggy's wife Laurie in a two-piece bathing suit. The shot has zero relevance to the voiceover, except that hubby tells us so far he doesn't even know how to START the jet. Next, Love says that having not been a student in awhile, he's a bit apprehensive. He also informs us that he's an "older" guy. At 28? Maybe the producers don't expect anyone old enough to remember Watergate to be tuning in. Oh, and by the way, we see the words "I'm an older guy" on the screen, just in case you didn't catch it the first time. Subsequently, we're reminded that of the three, it was Giggy who stood out, but not necessarily in a positive way. If I'd started swigging before the show's opening, I'd already be up to three.

The shows starts with the students in day 21 of the program. Gregory and Love will get to actually fly the F-15's for the first time, while Giggy still has to pass the simulator. He's failed twice already, one more bad outing could mean his torch gets snuffed... oops, sorry, wrong reality show.

Love and Gregory will have an instructor pilot, or "IP" with them for their maiden voyages in the aircraft. Their objective: To take off, fly, and land the plane. Bad memories of drivers-ed are coming back. Especially etched in my brain is the break that was on the passenger's side, just in case the student driver lost control.

Love goes first, and expresses hope that his boys will be proud of what he does. The "IP" wants to tell Love that he's worked all his life to get to this first flight. True, perhaps, but hyperbolic and a bit dramatic as well, which, for this show, is par for the course. He tells us his heart is pumping, and piloting the plane feels like "sitting on top of the world."

Next, we see poor Giggy, busy sweeping the floor of one of the classrooms. We are (again) informed that it's one more strike and out for the Colorado native.

Meanwhile, Love is up and at 'em. He compares the feeling to being a child wondering what it would be like to be Buck Rogers in a rocketship. Of course, on this day he says, "You ARE Buck Rogers." One of the instructors tells the viewers that of the eight in the program, Love is his choice as class frontrunner, due to previous flying experience. And of course, then there's Giggy, whom the instructor calls the "tail end" of the class.

We get a reminder that although only one can be "Top Gun," these eight really aren't competing against each other, but rather, are teammates. Giggy asks Gregory to help him with the simulator, and Gregory happily complies, noting that no one can get through the program on his own.

Love is finally is the air, and an instructor reminds us of the harsh reality these men face: They could find themselves in war the day after graduating, and while daunting, what Love is learning now is just the basics. As luck would have it, he passes this part of the course as he did the simulator. Okay, commercial break time. So far, that's six gulps. And that's not even counting the three "superimpositions" in the show's opening recap.

When the show resumes, Love is shown playing golf with his pre-schooler; guess he couldn't get his wife to don a bikini. Next, we learn about the weekly "PI" meetings. Surprise, talk revolves around Giggy. But rather than his struggles, these guys are discussing his hair color and Porsche. Uh, is this a meeting or a gossip session? Maybe it should be held in a beauty parlor.

From there, we're shifted to Gregory's maiden session at the controls. Not surprisingly, he's looking forward to it. Cut to a shot of Giggy on a motorcycle, while he tells us he likes things that are fast. An instructor says that what matters is not what you drive or look like but being able "to successfully execute" in this weapon system. Guess that's why you guys kept talking about Giggy's hair and transportation. He also says that the next simulator test could change Giggy's life; he apparently doesn't mean for the better.

Okay, up to day 27, and about eight swigs. Giggy's wife says he's dreamed of this since childhood, and failing the simulator, and hence the course, would crush him. Giggy finally takes the simulator. No matter what happens, it's the last time; if he passes, he doesn't have to take it again, and if he fails, he's out of the program. The instructor gives him the test, and says afterwards, "It's gonna be a real short debrief because I don't have a whole lot to talk to you about.” Yep, commercial time again. The count is nine gulps, and three simulator tests for Giggy.

Once back, Giggy, while conceding it wasn't a stellar performance, calls it "adequate." The instructor says he's happy Giggy made it. Obviously, the third time was a charm. Giggy alludes to an "incredible sense of relief," a phrase that may just as easily apply to CBS. Next, we see him and his photogenic wife out dancing with friends. Laurie, his spouse says that while he's not a Backstreet Boy, he's an okay dancer. This brings to mind the quote last week from one of the instructors who said, "These guys listen to the Backstreet Boys, and we listen to Van Halen." Is the all-male ensemble paying a product placement fee for this?

Next, we learn more about Marcus. He's described as "the shy one," sitting alone and keeping to himself when he's in the bars. Contrast this with a scene at Church, where the deeply devout Gregory is obviously more comfortable and in his element. An instructor says his challenge is to take the moral traits Gregory values, but still try to bring his into the group. Naturally, the group is shown imbibing with Hooter's Girls. While Gregory would rather spend time at home with Mrs. Gregory, Giggy says it's fun having the girls around, because it lightens the atmosphere after a long day. Then again, his wife LOOKS like a Hooter's Girl.

Now it's time to meet Giggy's IP, who goes by "Divot." Giggy is described by the instructor as a "pretty boy," and hence, a challenge. What happened to it not mattering what you looked like? Another instructor describes the two as an "Odd Couple."

Now it's on to Gregory's turn at the controls. His instructor refers to the plane as "an incredible roller-coaster ride, and it's time for another gulp of water. Unfortunately, it's also time for a barf bag for Gregory, as he gets a touch of airsickness. Nevertheless, he passes this stage. However, Divot makes sure everyone knows about his "sickness." We're informed that one bout of airsickness is not so bad, but if it keeps happening, it could become a problem. No, really?

Next, we see home scenes of the Loves. Like Gregory, Love would rather spend time with the Mrs., and in this case two little boys, than with the guys in a bar. In one of the show's more touching moments, he says he can't describe his wife, Mauri, without describing what a great Mom she is.

Finally, Giggy gets his turn flying the plane. Divot makes reference to getting the short stick in being assigned to the 25-year-old. Another instructor says he wouldn't want to be in Divot's place.

Well, we're up to day 30, and down to the last drop of water. Giggy's wife tells the camera about her fear, and says she hopes he knows what to do in every single situation. It's probably just as well that she doesn't see him struggle. Justifiably, one of the instructors wonders how Giggy will fare in the actual jet, having had a less than stellar, if passing, performance in the simulator.

Divot tells the camera he'll let a student do his thing until it's apparent the student might endanger himself. So far, Divot says, he's never had to take over an emergency process for a student. But as Giggy lands, we learn the brakes aren't working properly. Divot tells him to "stop stop stop," but the full brakes are on. What Giggy does next will determine whether he and Divot live or die, according to an instructor. Then come the closing credits. But since Giggy is shown talking about the flight in the past tense, it's a good bet he won't be voted off – sorry, force of habit.

Okay, end of show, and water supply. Finally tally was somewhere around dozen swigs. Note to self: Next week use a bigger glass.

Ken Kellam lives in Dallas, Texas, in a condo he has recently started sharing with Luke, an Orange Tabby. Luke has filed for adoption.

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