Celebrity Apprentice 2, Episode 11, Part 2: A Winner Is Crowned

In Part One of the finale, both contestants’ teams created a solid VIP event. You can read my recap here. I ought to have titled it “God, Save The Queens!” but alas, so much of my inspiration comes after I hit the “Send’ button!

What remains for this article is a final Boardroom, announcement of the winner of the final task, and declaration of the overall winner. Judging of this task is based on multiple criteria that could be interpreted thusly: “Vague and indefensible means will be used by Trump to bestow the title to whomever he chooses to anoint.”

I decided to list the teams for the final task again, although they have a small role in what ensues. Here they are:

• Joan Rivers, comedienne
• Melissa Rivers, daughter
• Herschel Walker, former NFL player
• Clint Black, country singer

• Annie Duke, poker player
• Brande Roderick, Playmate
• Tom Green, comedian
• Dennis Rodman, former NBA player

Picking up where we left off, the teams are assembled in the Boardroom for one last time. Trump thanks everyone for participating, especially Dennis.

Asked about her team, Joan says, “It was interesting. We got it done.” She smartly keeps her issues with Clint under wraps.

Trump asks Melissa to comment on the nasty way she left the show. Unapologetic, Melissa says she played with integrity and honour, and was angry to face lies and deceit. Brande’s not convinced by what she’s heard, but smartly declines to be provoked.

Trump admits some of the faux celebrities gave him the creeps. Alas, he doesn’t elucidate which ones. Or, maybe he meant Kathy Griffen, who was real? I kid!

Annie tells Trump her poker friends are not degenerate gamblers; poker is a skill game and they are investors. Trump says, “Poker is still a gamble, right?” and Annie responds, “Less than the stock market.” I could add, “And way less that becoming involved in a Trump real estate deal, too!”

Trump asks Rodman how Annie performed as a leader. He says it was her time to shine, sidestepping that he was underutilized. Trump tells Dennis he did a lot to redeem himself.

Trump asks Tom Green the same question, and gets a similar response. He admits she was impressive in fundraising. Ivanka points out that fundraising is just one of the five criteria.

Discussion shifts to the decorator quitting because of Joan. When Annie says it, Joan firmly interjects, “This is a total lie!” Joan continues, repeatedly accusing Annie of lying. To be fair, we don’t know as an absolute what went on behind closed doors. Regular readers know who I believe.

Joan next accuses Annie of raising “Mafia money.” What? Ridiculous!

Trump asks who did their space. Joan says it was volunteers. Annie reports that her space was decorated by friends as well. Melissa inputs, “a constant string of lies…” at this point either everyone talks at once, or it’s more of the same nonsense I decline to recap.

Trump asks Joan if it isn’t about the charities. It wasn’t about the charities when Joan walked out and screamed at Brande, but apparently now, it is.

Joan asks Trump to end this and just tell them who won and who lost. THANK YOU, JESUS, that’s what happens. I had terrible visions of having to recap 45 minutes of this senseless, indefensible nonsense.

Ivanka reports that Joan raised $150,830. Don Junior says Annie brought in $465,725. That’s three times as much. One point for Annie.

Don Junior reports that charity integration was stronger for Annie. However, Ivanka next reports that Joan won all the other criteria.

I would debate that Joan won the “celebrities in attendance” category, because drag queen duplicates ought not to count. Maybe Trump didn’t know who was a drag queen and who was not?

Action shifts back to live, which is coming from Manhattan’s Museum of Natural History, by the way. Trump brings out the three helpers for each finalist for more in-depth, probing factual investigation. Yes, I kid again.