UK Survivor 2, Episode 5: Voyage of Discovery

England is a nation in mourning. Millions of people sit around the television screens in sadness and grief, trying to take in this tragic blow to the nation’s confidence. Yes, David Beckham, England’s superstar pin-up, fashion icon and soccer player suffers a foot injury in a European match for his club, Manchester United, and is almost certainly out of the forthcoming World Cup in Japan/Korea. The damage to England’s chances of success, not to mention the merchandising opportunities is immense. But fear not, brave TV viewers, it’s now time for Survivor. We can observe how a small group of people can battle against the most adverse of conditions and still triumph against the odds. Look, Alastair is showing his butt. And Susannah is exposing some flesh. And Bridget is wearing a pair of Union Jack knickers on her head. Isn’t this enough to inspire the nation? Well maybe not, as most of them have by now changed channels or switched off. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

It’s the final day for the two tribes on North and South Islands before merger, which they find out about that morning. To celebrate their departure, each tribe is given a digital camcorder and asked to make a film about life on their respective island. There follows fifteen minutes of some of the most excruciating television I have seen this year. Everyone has no doubt been bored stupid by friends’ holiday videos in which a party of semi-drunken randoms show off in front of the camera. This was no different. Apart from the aforementioned butt, booty, and panties, Dave shows off the trench that he dug, Bridget and John talk about the weirdest places where they had sex (not together) and, well, that’s it really. This is the sort of footage that goes out live on Big Brother at 3am on the digital-only channel, when there is absolutely nothing else to transmit and putting it on in prime-time is not a smart move with the ratings as poor as they are.

Fortunately for our sanity, the cameras are returned to their source and both tribes spend their last night on their islands. The next morning, everyone packs up their bags, although not necessarily their troubles. There is apprehension on both sides about what might happen after the merger. Bridget is not looking forward to mixing with the “bossy and miserable” people in North tribe. Whoever could she mean? She then starts to sing ‘My way’, presumably because she guesses that now, for her, the end is very near.

The teams both row to another island in the archipelago, Isla Popa, which is to be their new home for the duration. They trek through a rainsoaked jungle for two hours until they meet up by a big lake, at which they both amazingly arrive at the same time. Our host, Mark Nicholas, then appears in a heavy trenchcoat and dramatic fedora, trying his best to look like Humphrey Bogart playing Sam Spade. He tells the tribes to take off their tribal coloured clothing, which removed the last (and useless) layer of protection most of them had against the rain. In the last series, the clothes were ceremoniously burnt, but as the weather presumably made this impossible, they were dumped in an untidy heap on the ground. Mark reminds everyone that they are now playing as individuals and asks them to head to their new camp, where ‘housewarming’ presents and a new canoe are waiting. He also asks for a name for the new tribe to be decided.

Everyone makes their way to the new camp, where beefburgers and red wine are waiting, together with two caged hens and a cockerel. Immediately Alastair takes charge of the shelter building while the girls cook the burgers. This does not impress Bridget and, ohmigod, she uses the “A*p*a Male” phrase. She thinks that his in-your-face style of leadership would not go down well in the new tribe. For good measure, she then has a moan about the non-Alpha females, Drew and Helen, and their apparent reluctance to contribute any physical labour. “Too many chiefs and too few Indians,” she observes, lacking political correctness.

The shelter is constructed, but not without casualties. John gets a big thorn stuck in his foot while Dave is bitten by an enormous ant. It is then belatedly noticed that the shelter is next door to a nasty-looking ants’ nest. One of the legendary poisonous frogs then hops around, for good measure. Jonny suggests that the camp be relocated nearer to the beach, which is more exposed but would have less wildlife crawling about. Everyone, except (surprise) Bridget, agrees to move and the boys drag the shelter and the other materials over the hills to the new location. This acts as a good bonding exercise for the men. Unlike Bridget, John is happy for “beefy hero” Alastair to take charge and threatens to elope with him. That really would make Bridget’s day. To add further to the simmering antipathy, Alastair remarks that Drew and Helen do not like Susannah, although he himself did (I bet). You get the impression that both Bridget and Drew/Helen are going to be spoilt for choice when it comes to the first tribal council eviction vote.

At last the shelter is moved and everyone drinks wine in the rain to celebrate. They then retreat into the shelter where Alastair tells an unfunny joke about a toothless ferret. Drew then tells a joke, horror! Alastair farts in amazement.

The night is very uncomfortable. There is more torrential rain and by the next day, the whole camp is a mudbath. Drew is forced to sleep standing up. John thinks that the new island is crap. “People won’t be voted off, they’ll just leave,” he states. Susannah predicts that she will lose a limb per day. John may beat her to it as his damaged foot has turned black (at least that won’t happen to David Beckham) and is heavily bandaged. Alastair and Susannah retrieve the chicken coop, whilst Bridget carries the poultry upside down by their legs. One of the hens already looks dead, which is hardly a surprise.

Today is reward challenge day. First Mark asks the tribe for their chosen name. John says that, in commemoration of his outstanding direction of the Harry Potter movie, they had decided to name their tribe after Columbus. Oh, OK, it was the other Columbus, who apparently discovered the archipelago.

The challenge is an underwater breathing competition. Each tribe member squats four at a time under a submerged beam. The two to hold their breath and stay underwater the longest go into the final. Drew and Susannah both manage to last over two minutes and play-off together. This time they have to drag a large log on a rope in towards the beam underwater, then hoist it aloft. Incredibly, this ends in a dead heat and therefore both share the reward, which is a change of clothes and laundering of their existing items; very welcome in the atrocious conditions. They are also each allowed to retrieve the ‘luxury items’ they deposited before they came onto the island. Drew chooses a photograph of her and her partner (aah!) and Susannah, perhaps typically, takes the complete works of Shakespeare. They also take a hammock and a soccer ball, to the obvious appreciation of Dave.

Everyone returns to the camp. Drew and Susannah are both understandably delighted, though Susannah is now worried that her success might make her a marked woman, as she has shown her strength. Once back at base, they find that in view of the horrendous weather, they have been supplied with a tarpaulin for the shelter, which makes the night far cosier.

The next day, the tribe is informed that there would not be an immunity challenge that day, but there will be a tribal council. The ex-North members make it clear that they would be voting against Bridget. Helen states that she feels uncomfortable with ‘dominant’ people (presumably unless they’re called Alastair). John is not happy with their first impressions, as he knows Bridget doesn’t come across as someone who accepted change very well (forgetting that the ‘professional alliance’ would have voted her off for equally spurious reasons, if they had had to). Bridget herself is philosophical about her likely fate and muses on how she is missing her kids.

The plotting is interrupted by a chicken crisis, as Susannah opens the coop and one of the hens escapes. She (Susannah, not the hen) takes this badly and feels that this incident has given everyone else an excuse to vote her off and joins in some tears with Bridget. Oh no, not again. Fortunately the hen returns to camp and is recaptured by Drew.

Evening brings a trip to tribal council, at which Mark explains the rules from here on. As is traditional, everyone evicted would stay and form the council jury, who would vote on the final day on who they think from the final two should be the winner. The six votes would then be sealed and taken home to the live finale, in which they would be revealed to an audience of millions (maybe). But, in order to desperately claw back some of the prize money, plus the substantial costs of making this series, there would also be a seventh public phone vote on the night, which, Mark states hopefully, could be decisive. Then again, if all of the jury vote for the same person, as they did with Charlotte last year, it won’t make a single bit of difference, except to ITV’s coffers. Mark then added as an afterthought that there would not be an eviction that night, to the surprise and relief of everyone. Which gives the already developing discord a chance to fester further. Rather like John’s foot.

Next week: The A*p*a Male comes under attack. The cockerel gets it. And things don’t look too good for Bridget.

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