UK Survivor 2, Episode 8: Arrows of Discontent

The twenty-fourth day on the island dawns and, following the previous night’s tribal council, the other members of Columbus tribe would be justified in feeling some trepidation about Drew’s behaviour from now on. She had threatened to spoil the food if she had not been voted off, but her pleas had been ignored, as Alastair had been the one to go instead. What would she do as revenge? Liberate the last chicken? Pee in the rice? Take a flame-thrower to the coconut trees?

Well anyone hoping that the island would descend into guerrilla warfare would be disappointed, as Drew has calmed down today. She apologises to Dave for her “irrational” if entertaining sabotage plan. Dave accepts the apology with good grace and states that he always knew that Drew would never do such a thing. Susannah also feels that the threat of nastiness has been lifted, “but you never know” she says, smiling enigmatically.

The growing problem on the island is not the spoiling of the food but the sheer lack of it. The rice was diminishing quickly, there were few coconuts, and only one chicken left. Bridget, at least, is looking forward to losing a few pounds, though living on an isolated island for 39 days is a very extreme type of weight-loss programme. John regrets not trying to put on weight before his arrival and jokes that he would end up “looking like a HB pencil.” Or even worse, like Calista Flockhart.

Today’s reward challenge takes place in the Mangroves lake and is a test of direction. The tribe is divided into pairs and one person is blindfolded, has to swim to each of three beams above the water and then walk along the beam, guided vocally by their team-mate on dry land. Care is needed not to knock over any of the three cones on each of the beams, which would incur a time penalty. The quickest pair would win.

A very skinny looking John goes first, guided by Susannah. He dislodges three skittles before falling in himself. Drew, assisted by Jonny, has a greater sense of balance and negotiates the beams without knocking down any skittles at all, though she does swim into a beam and gives her left eye a nasty bump. Dave, directed by Bridget, is last and staggers around on the beam as if he’d supped a few bottles of Newcastle Brown in the Bigg Market and, unsurprisingly, finishes last. Drew and Jonny are the winners and are rewarded by being given a plush-looking speedboat for the rest of the day, to go fishing and sup beer. They happily sail off and catch four big fish in their first twenty minutes at sea. Later, they both sit by the beach eating their freshly cooked spoils and enjoying more beer. If this didn’t put any lingering thoughts of sabotage out of Drew’s head, nothing would.

The others returned to camp where the evening meal was rather less appealing. Attempts to catch fish in a long net strung across the creek failed completely, resulting in a lot of cussing from John. He joked that there was more chance of finding fish in the trees. Well, there are flying fish in the tropics. In the end, the rest of the tribe disconsolately content themselves with rice au natural. Bridget wishes that she had smuggled a can of dogfood onto the island. Susannah admits that she has tried dogfood once. Is there nothing that this woman hasn’t done? Bizarrely there is then an argument about the legalisation of marijuana. If it wasn’t for the lack of food, this could almost be a suburban dinner party. Susannah suggests to Bridget that her daughters have probably tried it. Bridget could not possibly believe that they would do this without her knowing (but then Bridget also cannot believe that there are alliances within the tribe) and then, shockingly admits to having smoked it herself, finding that “it sent her silly”. Visualising Bridget on dope is one of the most frightening images of the whole series. One could almost write a song about this:

“I could have won on Survivor, but then I got high,
I could have got so damn rich, but then I got high,
The tribemates make me weep,
I wish I were back with the sheep,
‘Cos I got high, ‘cos I got high, ‘cos I got high.”

The following day, the tribe find some bows and arrows in readiness for the immunity challenge. Bridget and Susannah try some practice shoots and, boy, do they need them. Dave and Drew feel that there is no point in practice at all and lay around enjoying the sunshine. Both know that the ex-South Island tribe members were still solidly determined to pick them off, as the last two left from North Island. Dave was trying to think of a way to break them up, but no bright idea came to mind. Drew stated that she did not want to try and wheedle her way into a new alliance as the others were all “decent, intelligent people” and she didn’t want to do anything that she felt wasn’t true to herself. Meanwhile, after their day together, Jonny had enhanced his opinion of Drew, but didn’t want to break his earlier alliance to the other South members to bring her into the fold. Guys, this is all very morally commendable, but it is not going to help you win!

As the tribe surmise, the immunity challenge, called Ever Decreasing Targets, is about archery. Each member has to fire two arrows at a wooden target pinned to a tree. If they hit the target once, they would go into the next round; anyone missing both shots would be eliminated. Those left would have one chance to fire an arrow apiece at a smaller target and anyone missing that would go out, and so on, until there was one winner.

Everyone except Drew and Susannah hits the first target. The second smaller target is then substituted, which Bridget and Jonny fail to hit. This leaves Dave and John to aim for a third even smaller target. Dave hits while John misses, so for the first time Dave, who is at an obvious age disadvantage in the more physical challenges, wins immunity. Dave, aka ‘Sir Robin of Newcastle’ is extremely happy; both at finally winning something for the sake of himself and his family and also presumably at escaping the ex-North Island purge for another three days. Drew, I suspect, is less pleased.

The joy of the challenge is soon forgotten however, as the tribe revert to the task of scraping together enough food for the evening meal. John exhausts himself climbing a tree to retrieve some weedy-looking coconuts, while Bridget and Susannah fish for small shrimps. The malnutrition makes John feel demotivated and Susannah emotional and vulnerable. Even a nice-looking double rainbow out at sea fails to lift their spirits. After eating, they head to bed and talk about music and cars. Susannah talks about the flashy company BMW convertible driven by her and her husband. Dave retaliates by telling the others about his Hyundai.

Next morning, Susannah has a sore throat and is diagnosed as having tonsillitis. She hopes that the risk of infecting the others will not motivate them to vote against her, though threatening to snog Jonny in his sleep may not help matters. Then again, it might be the nearest we get to any ‘intimacy’ in this series. Jonny and Dave meanwhile are not impressed by Susannah bragging about her car. Dave is convinced she has a “sting in her tail”. No, it’s only in her throat at the moment.

Hey, guess what, it’s time for everyone to moan about Bridget again! She is looking increasingly isolated from everyone else, and an argument with Drew about the one topic guaranteed to arouse the ire of any countrydweller, the proposed abolition of foxhunting, doesn’t help. Jonny believes that Bridget has more ambition than she is letting on. He then reveals to Susannah that he was finding Bridget’s arrogance increasingly annoying and he now gets on better with Drew than Bridget. Meanwhile John was also complimenting Drew and wishes that both her and Dave could stay around with him and Jonny into the final four, but he would not break the previous promises that he had made. Oh go on, somebody change an alliance, please! This is all far too polite!

Tribal council brings an interesting encounter between John and Mark Nicholas. Mark asks John what he would give to get more food. “Sexual favours,” replies the japester. Mark asks who would be the lucky recipient. “You, obviously.” replies John. Mark, now seeming somewhat nervy, states that he would not want them, but John suggests that he “doesn’t knock it until he’s tried it”. Is trying to proposition the host allowed in the rules? Anyway Mark, as a cricket man, is no doubt well aware of the consequences of ‘batting for the other team’.

Things get more serious as voting commences. The two ex-North Island members stick to their strategy of trying to unseat Susannah, but again to no avail. Once again, despite all of the previous moans about Bridget and the compliments for Drew, the old South Island allegiances hold fast and all four vote against Drew. John and Jonny are almost sheepish in voting against her, despite their growing respect and admiration. Susannah, less sentimentally, states that although she enjoyed Drew’s company, she considers her a major threat to herself. Drew, however, departs graciously with a big smile, while Dave is visibly upset, as well he might as he is now isolated tribally. Susannah meanwhile looks as inscrutable as ever.

Drew has no regrets about her time on the island. Interestingly, she only came into the final twelve at 12 hours notice, after someone else pulled out. She was now embarrassed by her ‘sabotage’ threats, which were made out of anxiety about sitting around just to be a sitting duck for the ex-South Island members to pick off. Generally she has a high sense of morality about right and wrong and she expresses a wish that the winner would be someone for whom £1 million would make a difference in their life; in other words, anyone but the already well-off Susannah. Not that the latter is likely to be the favourite of either the final jury or the viewers, but Drew’s words might play a part in helping to scupper her chances. This might not be as dramatic as destroying food, but could be a far more influential act for those who do not want the most obviously calculating person to win.

Next week: Partners drop in for lunch. But there isn’t any. And will it be Dave or Bridget to go?

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