UK Survivor 2, Episode 9: Buckets and Tears

And then there was one. Dave is today feeling very isolated, as the ejection of Drew at the previous day’s tribal council now leaves him as the last remaining member of the former North Island tribe. Extremely belatedly, he decides to make an effort to split the ex-South Islanders up. Realising that the two Js are rock-solid in their support for each other, he attempts to try and persuade Bridget and Susannah to form a new numerically-superior alliance.

Unsurprisingly Susannah is already a step ahead and has guessed that he would eventually make such an approach. In her characteristically ambiguous manner, she refuses to make a promise one way or another, but acknowledges that there is growing dissent among the South Islanders about who to vote off next, largely because Bridget is ever increasingly getting on everybody’s nerves. Susannah describes her as becoming, “increasingly confident, but not worn with discretion” (unlike Susannah’s self-perceived air of inscrutability). Jonny meanwhile is enjoying the catfight of the two women trying to get one over on each other, although compared to the level of vitriol between the female contestants at the latter stages of the first series of Survivor, this is extremely tepid by comparison.

Today’s reward challenge is entitled ‘Hands Up’ and involves the five tribemates having their hands tied together above their head to an overhanging bucket of water. They have to hold them up as long as possible. When they let go, the bucket would tip on their heads, which is a very enticing prospect in ninety-degree heat. Last person to drop their hands wins.

Like the log standing challenge, there are scenes of intense concentration, interrupted by the occasional bout of trivial conversation about subjects such as sad songs and soccer. Bridget is the first to let go and get drenched by some nasty-looking yellow-coloured water, soon followed by Susannah. After an hour, Dave is in great distress and is checked out by the medic. He carries on for a while, but, despite encouragement from the two Js, his condition worsens and the medic forces him to quit. He is untied and promptly collapses in a heap onto the ground. Fortunately it is just a mild case of sunstroke and he is soon rehydrated. Dave later admits that the heat had confused him and he believed that he was challenging for immunity and therefore his only realistic chance of staying on the island, hence his determination not to wilt. Meanwhile Jonny is the next to go, leaving John as the winner.

John’s reward is to have a bed built in the camp under a shelter, complete with bedding, cocoa and cookies at bedtime, and a cooked breakfast the next morning, so giving him a well-deserved treat and further pissing off the others, who would have to endure the forbidden smell of frying bacon. John is not allowed to give any of the food to the others, who have to content themselves with sniffing the newly-washed bedding. This would not smell so fresh in the morning, he predicts. Jonny meanwhile watches the carpenter put up the shelter and makes this week’s bad erection pun.

The others try and cook palmnuts, but this fails, so they retire to the shelter and hope that it will not be penetrated by the aroma of bacon. The next day, John enjoys his breakfast, particularly the stimulus of coffee, although he then claims that the effects of his previous meagre diet had made the rest of the food go right through him. I don’t think we wish to know that John.

It is the day of the immunity challenge and the tribe are intrigued to receive a card depicting five fingerprints. Even Jonny, the detective, is unable to interpret it. Dave however works out that it is Valentine’s Day, characteristically by calculating the calendar around Newcastle United soccer fixtures. Everyone’s thoughts are of their loved ones, whether partners, sons or, in Dave’s case, Newcastle United. Susannah proposes a toast to their nearest and dearest and looks forward to the prospect of reuniting when they eventually go back home. Unknown to the tribemates, this is going to happen a lot sooner than they think.

There is then a discussion about how the world might have changed during the month that everyone has been isolated on the island. Dave wonders whether Osama Bin Laden has been found. John darkly speculates about whether there might have been another September 11 type atrocity that they didn’t know about. Unbelievably it then emerges that Bridget has never seen the footage of the destruction of the Twin Towers, because it didn’t interest her. Even the usually diplomatic John describes this air of rural parochialism as “phenomenally ignorant”. It seems that Bridget’s naive blindness to the politics of the island also exists on a global scale. Perhaps she might become aware of the increasing dangers of the world if Al-Qaeda came down to her farm and massacred her sheep.

Thankfully it is time for the immunity challenge, although this is going to prove an emotional wrench in its own way. The challenge is called ‘Family Values’. Each member has to follow a path through the woods, along which they will find five people, who are all loved ones of each of the tribe, flown over specially. These are Susannah’s husband Barnaby, Bridget’s boyfriend John (oh no, not another one; this is going to confuse things), John and Jonny’s girlfriends Mary and Ruth respectively and, for Dave, Newcastle United striker Alan Shearer. No, only joking, it’s Dave’s son, Rob (presumably his wife stayed at home to do the washing up).

The tribe members then have to record four pieces of information about each person; their name, how old they are, who on the island they are involved with and the nature of their relationship. However they are not allowed to talk to or even touch them, on pain of disqualification. Everyone looks stunned and horrified, as well they might, as this is a nasty, emotionally manipulative challenge, presumably engineered to bring more tears and open distress onscreen. To make matters worse, the winner (the person with the most correct answers) would, in addition to immunity, be allowed to spend half an hour with their loved one. The other tribemates would see their partners spirited straight back home, without the chance of even the slightest word or display of affection. This is nothing to do with survival, more with total sadism.

Anyway the challenge begins. Dave, the only tribe member to have a close-knit family, is particularly moved to see his son, who he cannot look in the eye because of his tears. Bridget meanwhile takes the opportunity to show (her) John her new ‘slimline’ figure and (island) John proudly displays his new beard to Mary. Eventually they all complete the course and Jonny, recognising the disappointment for the others, is the very apologetic winner. He is allowed time with Ruth, while the other partners are put back on the boat to leave the island. Dave takes the opportunity to call across to his son and ascertain the state of his priorities in life; Newcastle United’s results first and his wife second.

The challenge has taken its emotional toll. Dave is still upset at not being able to talk properly to Rob and is missing his wife. John regrets not being able to have a snog and would rather have held her and run the risk of disqualification. Bridget predictably is in tears again and says that she now realises that (her) John is the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with (good god, this isn’t Temptation Island) and, confusingly, also wants to have a son like Jonny. Soon, however, the conversation reverts to far more pressing business; the next immunity. Susannah overstates that she would rather die than see Bridget get immunity. This is not one of Susannah’s better strategies.

Before the next tribal council, there is the small matter of completing the chicken-killing trilogy. The last surviving hen had been named Stevie, after Steve McQueen in The Great Escape, as she had already tried to escape from captivity twice. “Well for you Stevie, ze war is over.” Bridget could have said in a cod-German accent as she wrings its neck, but for the sake of good European relations, she fortunately didn’t. Susannah is getting irritated at missing out on the fun of killing innocent chickens and moans about Bridget’s “monopoly on slaughter”. Meanwhile, the others set a trap for a cayman (small crocodile) spotted swimming in the creek. Success would be a double bonus for the tribe; food and material for a nice handbag all in one hit.

As is usual for tribal council day, there is a lot of moaning about particular members of the tribe, especially Bridget. Susannah remarks that the more the others try to relax, the more she tries to do around the camp, which was getting everyone’s backs up. John moans about her pointless, endless stories, usually about sheep and remarks that she is getting on “everyone’s tits”. Yes, OK, we’ve heard this all before, but if you don’t like her, why not just forget the South tribe alliance (which Bridget has never really been an active part of) and vote her off? It’s really very simple!

Dave still vainly hopes that there will be a late switch and makes a final desperate effort to persuade Bridget and Susannah to vote against John to take the three of them forward. Susannah acknowledges that she would stand a better chance of gaining immunity if she was competing against Dave and Bridget than the two Js, but still shows little inclination to diverge from the previous strategy. John meanwhile has spotted the covert discussions and “knowing looks” and is concerned about his fate.

It is now time for tribal council, at which Bridget again expresses her surprise that there are still no tensions developing within the tribe. Her naivety is as much a non-surprise as the continuing tribal basis of the voting. There is one vote (Dave) against Bridget and the other four against Dave. And so the final ex-North Island flame is extinguished and Dave says goodbye, or “seeya, gan canney te aal o the wonderful fowk on the island,” as they might say in Newcastle.

Dave, as genial as ever, is disappointed but not bitter at being voted off. He had always hoped that everyone would have started to vote against others as individuals rather than on an old-tribal basis by this stage. Having said that, his efforts to try and form a new alliance around himself, Bridget and Susannah weren’t exactly determined. He was however surprised and impressed by everyone’s continuing friendliness and desire not to break previous promises to their former tribemates. Maybe he was comparing events to those during the first series of Survivor. At the corresponding stage last year, the old tribal alliances had well and truly broken down and there was not only lots of desperate plotting but also genuine nastiness between the last few contestants. This time, everyone is genuinely far more supportive of each other, bitching about Bridget notwithstanding, which when the stakes are now getting so high is gratifying to watch, if sometimes dull.

Things should liven up considerably from now on, as the original South Island gameplan to eliminate everyone from the North has run its course and the final four now has to become two. It is almost certain that Bridget will be the next to go, barring either an unlikely immunity victory (the next challenge looks like a long hike through the jungle, so her chances are not good) or two of the other three deciding to gang up to eliminate one of the stronger contestants, so that they would stand more chance against the weaker, less popular Bridget in the final stages (which, after previous critical comments on this subject at the time of the log challenge, would be an enormous turnaround).

Assuming Bridget does go, the very last immunity will be crucial. If either John or Jonny win that, they have already promised to take each other through to the final and the bonding and integrity shown by both so far suggests neither will backtrack now, no matter what tactics Susannah may use to break them apart. If Susannah wins immunity though, it will be interesting, not to say entertaining, to see the efforts that each of the two Js make to persuade her to support them over the other into the final. In this scenario, I suspect that Susannah will see John as the greater threat, largely due to his obvious popularity with the other members of the jury and see Jonny through instead. As Dave might say, “It's gannin tuh git geet interestin.”

Next week: I’m in (UK Survivor-free) Michigan for two weeks, so you’ll have to wait! As with Buffy and Angel, you can always enjoy some reruns of old episode summaries to fill the time before the series finale. A double-episode recap will follow.

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