Frontier House, Episodes 1 and 2: Family Feuds

Frontier House opens with three modern day families, the Glenns of Tennessee, the Clunes of California, and the Brooks of Massachusetts, arriving at the old mining town of Virginia City for a crash course in Frontier Survival 101. Each family arrives in a modern SUV, but begin stepping back in time when they open trunks full of new vintage-looking clothing in their period bedroom suites at the Virginia City Hotel.

We meet the Clune family first. Gordon Clune, 41; wife Adrienne, 40; daughter Aine, 15; niece Tracy, 15; and sons Justin, 11, and Conor, 8. Gordon Clune is president of a manufacturing company, Adrienne Clune, a housewife, is an Irish immigrant and gourmet cook. The Clunes pull out their new “Sunday best” clothing and try to figure out what some of the weirder items in their trunks are for.

Next are the Glenns of Tennessee. Mark Glenn, 45; Karen Glenn, 36; her daughter Erinn Patton, 12, and son Logan Patton, 10. Mark Glenn is the chairman of the medical and pharmacy technology departments at a community college in Tennessee. Karen Glenn is a school nurse. Mark Glenn sees homesteading as a way to stop and discover himself. Karen says the project complements her hard-core nature. She says the family is very adventurous and would even go to the North Pole if she told them to.

Family number three are Nate Brooks, 27, and father Rudy Brooks, 68. Nate, a student events coordinator for a college, is from Massachusetts. Dad Rudy, a retired correctional officer, came from California to help his son build the cabin that Nate and his fiancé Kristin would live in for the rest of the five-month period. Rudy says that “pioneer house is what we grew up doing,” when he was a child.

The first order of duty is for each family to sign an official claim at the town’s reconstructed land office. In an odd paradoxical scene – the first of many we’ll see in this series – the family member who filled out the application for the show is the one to sign the land claim. The odd part is that Karen Glenn signs for her family, even though the narrator points out that as a married woman, she lost her legal rights when she married and would never have signed a legal document like this in 1883. The original 1883 homesteaders would have had to live on their claims for five years to secure ownership.

Class opens with an introduction to the 1883-era experts. Susan Cain, a domestic life historian, will teach the women how to cook, clean, and keep house. Bernie Weisgerber, a historic preservation specialist, teaches the men how to shoot, chop wood, and handle tools. Rawhide Johnson, an animal handler, teaches everyone how to milk cows, kill and pluck chickens, and take care of animals in general. Karen Glenn is not impressed with the schedule, “sewing, cooking, making bread – oh great!” She laughs when she pulls an embroidery hoop out of her trunk, saying that everybody at work embroiders and she’s always made fun of them.

Each family is introduced to their horse, milk cow and calf, and dog. Animal handler Rawhide Johnson says that finding 1880 livestock was a lot tougher than he expected. The really tough thing was finding “period cows.” He says that one owner said he could have her daughter and her husband, but not her milk cow. The Clunes dog has given birth to a litter of puppies. Johnson says that dogs were the pioneers’ “early warning devices.”

The narrator informs us that the participants have agreed to live as closely as they can to the experiences of homesteaders in the 1880s. To feed the viewing audiences’ insatiable need to know everything that happens in the cabins, each family is given a camcorder to record their off hours private thoughts.

A more significant scene shows the contents of the medicine kits each family will use to treat their ailments for the next five months. They are given glass decanters containing typical herbal compounds of the day, but not two of the most common medicines of the time – morphine and opium. But they do get a full bottle of whiskey, their only pain killer. Even aspirin was not in use in 1883.

The first past/present clash occurs when the Clune girls ask if they can bring makeup along. Expert Susan Cain insists that period women have “clean faces” and only floozies wore face paint in 1883. Karen Glenn asserts that “we don’t wear makeup” and it’s not a big priority. Adrienne Clune admits that she’s in “big trouble.”

In a hilarious demonstration of mundane 1880 reality, Susan Cain informs the womenfolk that the production team has decided to provide them with authentic-style menstruation belts. Karen Glenn is volunteered to demonstrate what the Clune daughter refers to as a “thong.”

If we didn’t know that we were watching real people interacting on this show, we now see interpersonal dynamics akin to that of a soccer parent melee. It all starts out innocently enough. All the adults are sitting around a table, discussing the topic of, ooooh, contraception. This is 2002, right? They’re all adults, who can discuss this sort of thing calmly and rationally, right? WRONG. At first, everyone makes polite jokes about pig intestine condoms and how volatile the subject was in 1883. Karen Glenn jokingly -- or maybe not -- says that she will take her birth control pills. Gordon Clune, foolishly assuming that he’s involved in a mature, open discussion, says that he “took care of things along the way” since his wife has had three kids. Karen Glenn tersely informs him that she doesn’t know why he’s even joined in the discussion since he’s already been “clipped.” Adrienne Clune, who also thinks that she’s allowed to comment, introduces the option of abstention. Karen Glenn, openly hostile now, snaps “you do what we do (take pills)!” Mark Glenn laughs and says that abstention is not even an issue to discuss. Karen Glenn glares at the ceiling and says to the room at large, “don’t you love it how people want to solve your own problems.” Adrienne Clune tries to defuse the situation by saying that it should be a personal decision. But Karen Glenn will have none of it. “I don’t think that’s fair since you don’t have issues and I do. So that’s when I say it’s really none of your business.”

Karen Glenn later admits to the camera that she “lost it.” She was trying to “keep up the guise of everything’s OK and I’m learning what we need to learn so we don’t starve to death.”

Paradox #2. Even though the original homesteaders hunted the area’s abundant wild game to put food on the family table, and their 21st century counterparts are being instructed in the use of firearms, they are not allowed to use them except in cases of “personal protection.” Translation: bear.

Gordon Clune is very, very miffed about this. He envisioned hunting as an excellent “fall back option.” He’s even brought a fancy vintage rifle for his son Conor. He holds up the elaborately engraved stock to the camera, grousing how the Russian-made rifles they’ve been given are “embarrassing.” Karen Glenn says that if the only reason he came out here is to hunt with his kids then he’s misdirected. “General Custer lookalike, give me a break!”

Life and Death: chicken dinner. The homesteaders are taught to kill, pluck, and cook a chicken outdoors. The kids’ reactions vary wildly from Aine Clune’s preliminary “fun to watch” remark to gasps of horror when the deed is done. The girls cart the head off for burial afterwards. As for the adults, we see a replay of the Clune/Glenn dynamic. Adrienne Clune says that killing animals you have raised is an “ethical issue.” Mark Glenn asserts that it’s “not an ethical issue; it’s the food chain -- they’re lower.”

Household expert Susan Cain has chosen the foodstuffs that the families will take with them to their homesteads. She’s assembled the list from a storekeeper’s journal who lived in that area of Montana in the 1800’s. There is enough to last them five weeks. We see bags of flour, and various boxes and tins. Scenes later on in the show tell us that they are also given sugar, honey, tea, coffee, cornmeal, potatoes, bacon, dried beans, and many canned goods.

Crisis #1. The Glenn’s milk cow is sick. A vet is called, who diagnoses a displacement of the fourth stomach(?). After the chicken incident, the Glenn children are worried that they will have to kill the cow. Karen Glenn says no, but they may have to kill the calf. Logan Patton asks if they can keep it “til the cuteness goes away.” The vet uses the extremely low-tech treatment of rolling the cow back and forth on her back to relieve the entrapment and return it to it’s proper position. Mark and Karen are very worried. Mark talks about how important the cow is to his family’s health and well-being and calls the cow the family “milk machine.”

Each family is also given a diary, called a “profile,” in which the project historians have “interwoven” details about their lives and ones of real homesteaders from that era. They are also given a small amount of money in a savings account, which they can spend at the general store.

Clune profile: their diary says that they have hired a builder to start construction on their home. The foundation has been laid and the walls have been started.

Brooks profile: Nate reads his diary and pronounces himself “penniless.” He and Dad Rudy will have to build the cabin from scratch.

Glenn profile: they win the Frontier House jackpot. Their profile reads that they bought their claim from a prospector, which includes a cabin, corrals, and outhouse. An exultant Mark Glenn dons his Sunday hat and sings the theme from Green Acres.

Now it’s time for the families to transform from 21st century residents to 19th century pioneers. First, the guys visit the barbershop, then everyone dons their Sunday best duds and has their photograph taken.

The Clune women are the most angst ridden. In an effort to look their best, they put up their hair in rag curlers the night before. The next morning, Adrienne’s hair is a wild curly mop, which she says makes her look like Shirley Temple. And they’re not allowed to use any makeup. The fabrics chosen for their dresses are in very rich, bright colors. Adrienne especially looks very striking in a trim, dark green dress and hat. Susan Cain has helped them dress, showing them how to lace themselves into their corsets and adjust their bustle pads (don’t ask). The Clune boys wonder why their pants are cut so high. They look adorable in their cloth caps and heavy wool coats.

Mark Glenn is not so happy with his outfit. Looking in the mirror, he remarks that “Wimpy on Popeye wore that kind of suit.” The narrator informs us that the women are wearing nine layers of clothing, which weigh an extra twelve pounds. Karen Glenn looks especially bulky. Susan Cain says that the clothing was made to their measurements. Judging from how some of them fit, they added a few inches for good measure. Rudy and Nate Brooks, however, look extremely dapper.

After the photographs are taken, Adrienne sobs in her room that not wearing makeup was a shock and that she thought she looked like crap. Husband Gordon philosophizes about women and their makeup, saying that it was “putting on a mask,” for them.

Journey into the past. The families dress the morning of departure in their everyday clothes. The husbands joke about their wives’ tent dresses and little brothers make rude remarks about mailbox bonnets. Logan Patton gleefully reports to mother Karen Glenn that Aine Clune is “sneaking makeup and a hair dryer” along. Karen mockingly asks “one of the big scandals of pioneer life already?” She shows the camera her vanity item, “industrial strength toilet paper,” giving the roll a rapturous sniff.

The families will travel two days in covered wagons known as Prairie Schooners. First, they must load them from piles of 19th century pioneer household goods. They can’t take everything; the wagons are surprisingly small, and could break down en route if too heavily laden.

The Glenn cow is still sickly, but much improved. The vet is called again – if worse comes to worse, the cow will be replaced. Karen Glenn is not comforted by this prospect. She cries and worries that the cow won’t make it. They treat themselves to a medicinal dose of whiskey.

Moment of truth. Word is out about the Clune girls’ contraband. Aine and Tracy pull tubes of mascara and lipstick out from under their petticoats and drop them into an “honesty box.” Mark Glenn is very aggravated and impatient with the Clunes. He punches the air and growls that he needs to “break these clans apart” and go. He stalks off saying, “Let’s go start our lives without the neighbors being right here in your face 24 hours a day.”

Teams of draft horses are hitched to the wagons. For safety’s sake, professional drivers are used to transport the wagons. The teams are hitched and everyone poses for some final photographs. Animal handler Rawhide Johnson worries that the horses have been standing too long hitched to the wagons. Horses can be skittish and nervous. They finally start off, and suddenly, the horses pulling the Clunes’ wagon bolt, nearly running over Adrienne Clune and throwing Conor Clune to the ground. Amazingly, no one is hurt, and the contents of the wagon are intact, though a wheel has broken off. An agitated Gordon Clune says that his wife’s bonnet is so wide it’s like wearing blinders, and she couldn’t see the horses coming up behind her. Adrienne says that she grew up around horses, and knows how unpredictable they are. She heard them running up behind her and ran for her life.

Crisis and Paradox. Spring rains have washed out the dirt road across a creek. At first, the plan is to backtrack and go around, because this is the only road to the valley. Finally, the production team decides to send the riding horses and walkers further downstream to cross, and a modern day bulldozer is called in to fix the road for the wagons. Everyone is reunited in time to make night camp. The kids go fishing while the adults set up the tents and make a campfire to cook their meal on. It’s all very idyllic, until the Glenn’s dog runs up to Conor Clune and bites him in the leg. Mark Glenn takes a look at it and tells Conor that “if he wanted to break the skin he probably could,” but promises to lock the dog up. Conor wails to the camera that it was the “worst day of my life. I fell out of a wagon, I lost my worm without even getting a bite, and I was attacked by a vicious dog with my leg almost being bitten off – you call that fun?”

”A romantic vision that hides a harsh reality.” Karen Glenn says that she hopes that the families come together in a spirit of wanting to come together.

The narrator says that the homesteads are half a mile apart along Frontier Creek. Original homesteaders bought their land sight unseen from advertisements in newspapers. The Glenns arrive at their fully developed property. Karen laughs when she walks in, saying that she automatically felt for a light switch.

Adrienne Clune is ecstatic to have reached their homestead. She weeps and says it’s like “heaven on earth.” The Brooks are also very happy with their claim. Nate tells Dad Rudy he “got the crown jewel.”

Karen Glenn feels guilty that her family has a roof over their heads and the other families don’t. She generously offers to let the Clune children stay in her cabin, until their cabin is built.

We see the Clunes waking up in their 8x10 tent. Gordon Clune calls it the “Clune mansion.” Adrienne Clune says it was freezing that night, and jokingly asks why she let her husband talk her into this.

The Brooks start sawing logs for their cabin, which must be built from scratch. It will take 22 trees to construct the cabin. In two months’ time, Nate’s fiance Kristin will arrive, and the cabin must be ready.

The Clune’s cabin has been started. The foundation has been built, and the walls are about two feet high. Gordon must erect the rest of the walls from logs that have been cut and notched. Gordon says that he just had a mansion built in Malibu, and he hasn’t mowed a lawn in 16 years. Adrienne Clune, a gourmet cook in her previous life, must cook all the family’s meals in a Dutch oven over an open fire. She now appreciates the amount of effort it takes just to fetch and boil water.

Karen Glenn rattles off a list of things her family needs to get done, saying that she needs to do “pretty much everything at once.” She’s very annoyed that the Clunes haven’t taken her up on her offer of shelter for their children. The Clunes do accept shelter for their milk cow and calf, though. Karen says that it’s important for the Clune children to realize that “this was part of their goal (destination),” but that “Gordon wouldn’t let them do that.” She says that Gordon is “really difficult to be nice to.” Every time she tries to do something nice, it’s met with “roughness or friction,” and she doesn’t even want to try anymore. (If Gordon is being difficult around Karen, it’s never shown on camera. Though this may just be an editing bias, ala Survivor, there are also cameras around the families constantly, and something with that much drama would probably be shown. What we do see a lot of is Karen complaining about, criticizing, mocking, and verbally goading the Clunes, especially Gordon. My feeling is that Gordon and Karen have similar character traits and just rub each other the wrong way.)

The Glenn’s cow Crystal has recovered from her displaced stomach. Erinn Patton shows a knack for animals and is in charge of milking and tending the chickens. She says she doesn’t even miss television and would much rather be outdoors.

Nate Brooks dotes over a picture of his fiance Kristin. The Brooks are making slow progress on their cabin, and it’s only five weeks to the wedding. Mark and Gordon take time off from their own chores to help the Brooks. Mark says that they won’t be a complete community until they get a roof over their heads. A fast-moving mountain thunderstorm adds urgency. Nate Brooks says that he appreciates their vulnerability, now that they have to live in a tent. He and Rudy cook up a very tasty meal in the cold and wet. The camera shows a close-up of Nate’s wet grubby socks as he eats. (OK, I empathize. I’ve been camping in a downpour with a tent full of damp crabby children. I feel their pain.)

We also see the Glenns packed into their tent. Gordon and Adrienne are visibly dirty and tired looking. Gordon says he feels guilty for bringing his family out there.

It’s the last day the carpenters will be at the Clune cabin. Mark, Nate, and Rudy come to help lift the last 350-pound logs to the top of the walls. Nate says that neighboring is a lost art in our culture and he hopes that’s something that comes out of the experience. Nate and Rudy are always calm, diplomatic, and helpful. Nate gets tears in his eyes when he talks about Rudy, and calls him “pops.” Even though Rudy is a retired corrections officer, you’d never know it from his demeanor. He seems more like a combination of the Dalai Lama and a country schoolteacher.

Crisis #3. The narrator says that Mark Glenn has been working on everybody’s homestead but his own, and his gesture of goodwill causes an unexpected crisis.

Adrienne Clune has baked a plate of scones for breakfast and set them to cool on a high wooden rail while she tents to other chores. When she returns moments later, a dog has knocked the plate to the ground and eaten their breakfast. She says that “half of her day’s work is gone down the dog’s stomach again.” She swears that it was the Glenn’s dog Duke, who follows Mark wherever he goes. (Duke also bit Conor, making him the obvious scapegoat.) What really upsets Adrienne, is that there isn’t enough to go around now, and the smaller children won’t have any breakfast. When Aine and Tracy tell Gordon what has happened, he excuses Duke, saying “since Mark’s here working, the dog can be here.”

Then, Karen Glenn shows up with a hot lunch for husband Mark. She takes the opportunity to call up to Gordon, saying “how are your womenfolk – I hear they’re having one traumatic event after another?” Gordon doesn’t take the bait, and just says “they’re fine; they’re great.” Karen and Mark sit under a tree and take pot shots at the Clunes. “It’s always somebody else’s dog and much ado about nothing,” says Mark. He blames the Clune’s dog Idaho, who is nursing puppies. Karen quickly nods “Yeah, that must be it.” Erinn rushes up to Karen saying that Gordon threatened to shoot their dog. “He can’t shoot a tin can; get a life,” she says, rolling her eyes. (Watching the scene of Adrienne holding up the empty biscuit tin, I wonder if anyone asked the cameramen which dog ate the breakfast? The place was crawling with people, surely someone noticed which dog ran away from the food area. The reference to “again” is never clarified. Did an unknown dog eat their food before, or did the Glenn’s dog? If somebody’s pet ate my kids’ breakfast, I would have been a lot more irate than Adrienne was. I can just hear the fireworks if it was Karen’s cooking that got trashed.)

The Clune girls are getting fed up with frontier living. Their biggest gripe is having to walk two miles twice a day to milk their cow. “It takes an hour, it’s smelly, we step in crap – it sucks!” they grouse. Adrienne feels a mother’s guilt. When they complain, she admits she told them the experience would be “fun.”

Crisis #4. Aine and Tracy Clune have broken the rules by smuggling in “modern goods.” The Glenns heard about it and have complained. The girls good-naturedly turn in the contraband mascara and eyelash crimpers, saying that it’s “pointless” to use the stuff out where nobody can see them. They apologize and promise to bury the stuff, saying they hope nobody else “rats them out, because there’s nothing left.” Aine Clune says, “Now Karen has nothing bad left to say about us.”

Karen Glenn goes into a full-blown tirade. She says she asked Gordon if there were any “tragedies” because “it’s such a farce about the makeup, the dog eating a biscuit. If you didn’t wanna let go, don’t do this. I’m not from the West Coast, but so far they’re hard to get close to, hard to help.” Translation: They’re not like me. They’re not behaving the way I think they should. They’re not behaving in a way that makes me feel good about myself.

Gordon Clune is also aggravated, but with the show’s production crew and experts. Their cabin has been situated 150 feet from the creek. He’s tired of fetching heavy barrels of water to and from the cabin. He says it’s a “ridiculous long way.” The narrator tells us that many original homesteaders had to walk up to a mile for water. (Living in the Midwest, I know the danger of living too close to water. Even the tamest creek can turn into a raging torrent in the spring. Look what happened to the Mississippi River a few years ago. Living in California, the Clunes have no idea what they’re dealing with in terms of flooding.)

Gordon is also disdainful about the “supposedly sharp” razor he’s been given. His beef is that 1800s man was a lot “more civilized and smarter” than the show’s experts have given him credit for, and that the stuff they’ve been given is shoddy and not well-thought-out. Gordon and Adrienne site an example of the tea they were given, which was wrapped in a piece of brown paper, and spilled when they took it out of the box of supplies.

Rudy Brooks says that the Clunes remind him of the Beverly Hillbillies in reverse. Hollywood has moved to 1883, which makes it difficult because they came here with Hollywood attitude.

It’s now two weeks since the homesteaders arrived in Frontier Valley, and the Clunes have still not sorted out most of their basic needs. The Clune girls demonstrate the art of peeing standing up. Translation: they need a privy. The boys are set to work digging a hole. Conor Clune says he’s “known as the digger – latrines, wells – I’ve done that all my life.” (I admit to a huge bias towards this kid. He reminds me so much of my own at that age.) We switch to the Glenn homestead. Logan Patton and Karen Glenn point out their posh and well-equipped facility. Micromanager Karen shows off each family member’s private rag and uses thereof.

Fourteen days after their arrival, the Clunes cut the door opening in their cabin. Gordon fetches Adrienne and carries her over the threshold. She cries with happiness, and says the cabin is “5 stars.” The kids have their own sleeping loft, and we hear them snuggled down for the night, giggling like crazy.

Gordon is very relieved that he’s got a roof over his family’s head. He admits to being “rough and tough” and a marine sergeant, because there’s so much to do. He worries that his attitude will make them hate the place. We hear the sounds of the kiddy slumber party overhead.

It’s a country paradise at the Glenns. Mark says he’s enjoying the entire experience more than he ever thought he would. The kids have developed talents they didn’t know existed. Erinn has an incredible relationship with animals, and Logan has developed a real love for the outdoors. He won’t even come in at night. Mark says he’s accused Karen of being a “micromanager” before, but has come to appreciate how somebody needs to do that out here and she’s doing the job.

Progress at the Brooks is slow. Rudy and Nate create a simple hoist called a “gin pole,” that pulls the logs up to any height. Nate says that it’s really great working with his Dad. Rudy’s beard has grown out, and Nate says he looks like his grandfather. Nate gets teary and talks about the “signs of age,” and how glad he is to have this time together.

The Clunes install their cast iron stove. Adrienne hugs it and says she feels like a “new woman.” Now, they can have keep warm and have “hot tea and hot biscuits.” The narrator tells us that cast iron cook stoves revolutionized life in 19th century American. They were a clean source of heat and an easier way to cook.

The Clunes fear they’re running out of food. They have two teenagers who are “ravenously hungry” all the time. The kids aren’t used to rationing, and complain. (My seven-year-old can eat a full meal two hours after dinner, and a snack on top of that.) The narrator refers to spring as “starvation time,” before the gardens come in.

Gordon Clune says that wife Adrienne has a degree in food science from Trinity College in Ireland. “She knows food, she knows how to cook, she knows how to make a little go a long way.” Adrienne says that Conor is losing weight and is “skin and bones.” She says they’re running low on several supplies, but the hardest thing is the lack of “a little something sweet” to put on their bread. “When I volunteered to do this, I never thought that starvation was one of the things we’d have to do.” She and Gordon keep protesting that it’s “not fair.” They feel that they haven’t been provided with enough food for the six of them.

Karen Glenn explodes when she hears about the Clune’s food crisis. Rant: “My animals are well fed, my children are well fed. Honey – if you didn’t understand that when you applied for this – then you are just on some little glitz trip. Obviously, I’m not doing this to be in a damn movie. I look like hell!” She pulls the mattress off her bed and shows off the food she’s stored underneath. “If they can’t make it, they need to ask for help. (That would be her, of course.) If they’re too arrogant to ask for help, you’re gonna either starve to death or you go home.” She pulls out all her canned good and stacks them up. Then she shows off a bottle of honey to the cameraman and explains how to stretch it out. What fun!

Paradox #3. Help comes from an unlikely source. The Crow Indians have unlimited hunting rights in the valley. Dale Old Horn, a professor and historian, brings a mule deer he’s shot to the Clune cabin. The irony is that the Crows were the original inhabitants of the valley, and a “treaty dispute,” forced them off the land in 1882. Now, one of their descendants is helping white pioneers survive on his ancestral land. “I come visiting with mixed feelings, seeing them homestead in the valley.” He gives the Clunes a history lesson while showing them how to butcher the deer. He tells them that one out of three Indians starved. They were forced off at gunpoint, and the “free” land the government advertised was Indian land.

Gardens – the lasting solution. The men turn into sod busters, trying to plow a garden patch. Rawhide Johnson demonstrates the art of breaking sod, and Mark Glenn and Gordon Clune just try to hang onto the plow. Nate Brooks says it’s “invigorating” work.

The Glenn land is tough and full of roots. Mark wonders how he got into this and abandons the plow for pitchforks and shovels. He scales back the size of the garden and threatens to shoot any marauding animals that come near it.

The Brooks try a different approach. Rudy and Nate build raised beds that are several inches off the ground to discourage ground predators. All the families have been given plants instead of seeds.

The Clune girls have gotten used to their new lives of dawn-to-dusk chores. Tracy says she’s “growing up” and feels like a better person for helping people. Rudy Brooks says that the Clune family has made the greatest change, and the family will be a closer unit when they leave.

Crisis #5. The Glenns decide to use their savings to buy another milk cow and calf. Karen’s nose is out of joint because the Clunes have refused her offers of “help,” and says they have to move their cow now. “Set your priorities. (That would be what? House, privy, etc.?) We housed their cow for three weeks(!) and we just can’t do that anymore.” She imitates the Clunes. “Oh, we don’t have a corral.” They think they have every right to have a cow stay here – bullshit!” Another rant: my property, my corral. I bought it, etc. “Too bad you don’t have one. Build one!” (Just like you did, Karen.)

The narrator says that the sense of community so eagerly anticipated is already under strain, and uses the examples of the Hatfields and McCoys, whose feud was sparked by an “errant pig.” Aine and Tracy Clune tell the camera that “they were all nice about it (keeping their cow) and they talk so much crap. Actions speak louder than words.”

Karen pulls out the biggest cliché in the book, the old bad rich snobs/good common people routine. “They think cause they’re West Coast cutie pies they can’t hang. I feel like because we’re from Tennessee and we’re from a little stronger stock – does that make it right – No! We’ll help them pack.”

Crisis #6. A freak mid-June snowstorm hits, burying the valley under nine inches of snow. The newly planted gardens are just a big white snowdrift. It’s still coming down in the morning, when the Clunes discover that their milk cow has escaped from their hastily thrown-together corral, and gone back to the Glenns’ homestead. Only-human Adrienne has not anticipated this kind of event, and washed all their dirty clothes two days before, The girls’ work dresses are still wet. All they have to wear is their underwear and coats. Tracy wraps a blanket around her shoulders for extra warmth, and they take off with Justin to find and milk the cow. Adrienne tells them to stay away from the trees, which are breaking off under the weight of the snow. The girls’ bare legs go numb from the cold, wet snow by the time they reach the Glenn homestead a mile down the creek. Sure enough, they find their cow. The girls decide to milk her there. Mark Glenn comes out, but not to help, just to scold. “Why is your cow here, why didn’t you come get it(?!) Your calf’s been suckling all night off my cow.” (If you knew their cow was there, why didn’t you do something about it? And why was it their calf drinking your milk -- you’ve got two calves in there of your own.) He stands there yelling and yelling at the two girls until they’re blubbering, frozen wrecks. Tracy stubbornly refuses to move since she’s already started to milk the cow, which Mark thinks is totally outrageous. “Hey, you know what – it’s not your property! It’s my property!”

But all is not lost. Knight in shining armor Nate comes to their rescue. He immediately gets down, takes over the milking, comforts the girls and helps them get the cow back home. A voiceover from Mark Glenn says, ”Arrrggh – community! There isn’t any community!”

Then we hear from his better half. “I am so community vested. But, I also know that there’s a limit and a lot of it’s respect. (For you, that is.) It’s not a community because no one asks them for help. Until you really need a friend or need a neighbor, it’s not community.”

The episode ends with Nate Brooks saying he feels the importance of helping neighbors.

Next installment, a Frontier Wedding and Trouble in Glenn Paradise.

Melinda Smith is a technical illustrator and writer with a background in graphic arts. She and her family live in Cincinnati, Ohio.

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