Frontier House, Episode 3: Til Death Do Us Part

Episode three opens with a panoramic sweep of the Montana landscape. The narrator’s melodious voice tells us that the families are learning to live with less: no electricity, no TV, and calamity of calamities – no affection!

”Making love is low on the priority list,” says Gordon Clune. “Look at us – we should be more romantic.” He and wife Adrienne thought their sojourn in Montana would provide opportunities for juicy romantic romps in the nearby forests and meadows. Instead, they’re shackled to a garage-size cabin with no running water or electricity and four very hungry young-uns to feed. “It’s start; it’s austere,” laments Gordon. It’s also a far cry from their mansion in Malibu.

Romantic difficulty #2. Nate Brook’s fiancé Kristen is coming from Boston for their frontier wedding in a few days, and the cabin isn’t finished. “The pressure is on,” says Nate. He fastens a period-looking photo of Kristen to a nearby tree for extra motivation. Kristen is leaving her job as a social worker in Boston to travel back in time, says the narrator. Dad Rudy says that not having Kristen there is hard for Nate. Rudy and Nate show off their tent, which will be Kristen’s honeymoon suite if they don’t get the cabin done in time. “It’s got about nine million spiders in here,” confesses Nate.

Adrienne Clune speaks about a woman’s life on the frontier. “It was definitely harsher than I expected. The hardest part is getting out of bed in the morning and facing the monotony of doing the same thing over and over,” she says while keeping up a steady pace of churning and scrubbing. “When I get back to the 21st century, I will never ever say that I’m overworked or I’m way too busy or I have way too much to do.”

Karen Glenn is faltering under the relentless physical toil. The school nurse is experiencing shooting pains in her arms and numbness in her fingers. She’s frightened that it’s a blood clot, and worries that she’s hurting the whole team. “I can humble myself down and say I don’t know what’s goin’ on.” Karen has tried everything in her medicine box, which is stocked with period remedies like feverfew and castor oil. She finally decides to break from the past and call a modern doctor. Dr. Kirby Penden arrives at her cabin door in an old-fashioned looking canvas jacket and felt hat, carrying a leather medical bag. He diagnoses tendonitis, and prescribes no heavy lifting. The charge is $46 – about 1/4 of their entire savings. “A huge amount,” moans Karen, who regrets calling him.

Romantic difficulty #3. ”The realities of frontier living are causing the Glenns’ marriage to crack under pressure,” says the narrator. The Glenns have been turning outward during times of stress and aiming their wrath at the Clunes. Now, five weeks into the project, they turn on each other.

Mark and Karen compete to prove which one is the most tired. Mark says he gets no sympathy for how hard he has to work. Karen says that they’re all exhausted. Karen’s young son Logan raises a hand between each squabbling adult. When Mark tells Logan, “no dramatics,” Karen says he doesn’t like to see them fight. Mark says he doesn’t want to fight, but, “people like you need to have your shortcomings brought up to you.” “This is the way I am -- this leopard has found her spots,” says Karen stubbornly.

Karen talks about marriage in general and the wedding coming up. “Anybody who’s ever been married once – you never ever love the second time like you did the first time. You never allow yourself the same vulnerability. I’m probably one of those people who never should’ve gotten remarried.”

Crisis #1: The Clunes have nearly run out of food, trying to feed four hungry children on the supplies given to them when they arrived. The gardens are not producing anything yet, and hunting is forbidden. Adrienne Clune questions young son Conor, who is slumped despondently at the empty table. “I’m hungreee!” he wails. “Why are you hungry,” Adrienne asks. “Because we haven’t got no food. I can’t live without food for like 2 or 1 more days. I’m starving!” he sobs. Adrienne has Conor show off his scrawny 8-year-old torso. “He’s just skin and bone.” Dad Gordon demonstrates his own frontier physique. “You can see my pelvic bones,” he says lying down on the floor and patting his abdomen.

The Frontier Valley store is ready to open. Since the store is 10 frontier miles away, across three mountain ridges, one member from each family will travel the two days to get there and back. Mark Glenn says that Karen asked him if he wanted to go, but that she’s been preparing a month and “I’m not gonna set myself up for that trap of goin’ on a one-day ride there and back and finding out I forgot something.”

The homesteaders are each driven by their own needs. Nate Brooks has less than a week to prepare for Kristen’s arrival. Karen Glenn needs to trade for supplies. Gordon Clune needs food for his family. He complains of being “beat” when he sets out on the trip, but the narrator says the homesteaders have it easy. Original journals tell of 40- and 60-mile trips for supplies.

We see Nate Brooks’ jolly prankster persona in this episode. He stands behind his horse, cupping its jaw in his hand while he intones Mr. Ed-style “Cowboy says its hard. It was tough walkin’ uphill. I wish I had a better pair of shoes.”

The frontier store is called Hop Sing Yin General Supply, who was an actual trader in the 1880s in that area. (They can’t have made this name up – it’s too reminiscent of Hop Sing from Bonanza.) The store itself is modeled after a small mercantile business of the period. The storekeeper is local resident Ying-Ming Lee, a member of the local Chinese historical society. The narrator says that many hundreds of Chinese worked for the railroad in 19th century Montana.

The homesteaders can buy food, supplies, and livestock at the store. A chalkboard notes prices. They can also trade and sell homemade goods. In an effort to bring in additional income, Karen Glenn has concocted a homemade shampoo recipe. She describes its qualities and use to Lee, who says he will take it home for his wife and daughter to try out. Karen also volunteers to wash miners’ laundry. (OK, I’m a little confused here. I guess the production staff gathered up a bunch of period-style men’s workclothes, dirtied them up, and gave them to Lee to give to Karen. It gets a little tricky trying to imagine that everyone is really living in 1883 Montana, with a real-world support system out there as well.)

Nate Brooks is investing in some of the luxury goods offered at the store. He wants to “make things special” for Kristen’s arrival, and buys some white silk and fancy ribbons. He promises storekeeper Lee to bring his new wife with him next time. Gordon Clune ticks off the items on his own wife’s shopping list. The Clunes are ordering more than twice the amount of food they were originally supplied with. Lee goes over the printed accounts with each homesteader. The storekeeper tells Gordon that he is in the “negative credit range.” When asked if he has anything he’d like to trade, Gordon says he has a team of horses and the mare has had a colt. “Every deal is a million-dollar deal. You have to have the enthusiasm for it or you shouldn’t do it. My 1883 life and my 1883 funds are very personal to me as if it’s a one million dollar deal,” Gordon says of his proposal.

The store also functions as a post office and lending institution. Karen Glenn has received a birthday package from her mother. It’s full of forbidden snack items, which Karen promptly throws in the trash barrel. Nate Brooks sends a telegram to Kristen, at the rate of 7 cents a word.

It’s late in the day by the time Karen, Gordon, and Nate finish buying and trading at the store. They must camp overnight and return the next day. They sit around the campfire and talk about life, death, and the momentous importance of convenience stores. The three (Karen and Gordon, anyway) are putting aside their differences for now. Karen says that she will let bygones be bygones and “just look for good.”

In the morning, the three load what supplies will fit into their pack saddles, and set out for home. The remainder of their supplies will be delivered by wagon in a few days. The Clune family is giddy with anticipation, waiting for Gordon to return. They have been subsisting on a steady diet of beans and corncakes for the last few days. Karen, Gordon, and Nate finally arrive back at Frontier Creek in mid-afternoon. The Brooks’ cabin is the first stop. Nate has news from home for dad Rudy; he’s the grandfather of a little boy named Joseph. Next stop, the Clunes. He proudly tells Adrienne he got everything on the list. The kids ooh and aah over the goodies in Gordon’s pack. “Canned peaches!” squeals Tracy. He also hands over a pile of letters – their first in six weeks. Aine receives a copy of Jane Eyre. Gordon admits to Adrienne he was in “sticker shock” at how much everything cost. They agree she will focus on making money from her baked goods.

Paradox #1. In honor of Karen’s birthday, Mark, Erinn, and Logan have a surprise waiting for Karen on her return -- a new front porch. Karen and her kids sit out on it while Karen tells them about her trip. She admits that they got a package from Grandma that had “contraband,” in it. She starts to describe its contents, but breaks off abruptly. “Tell us!” the kids demand. Karen then utters the most bizarrely incongruous word string in this whole 19th century vs. 21st century show: “catdog cheese nips.” Just trying to reconcile this ludicrous modern foodstuff with the perspective of a frontier homesteader causes my brain to seize up. Karen continues the torture with references to frosted chocolate Pop Tarts, etc.

It’s six days to the wedding, and Nate Brooks is on a mission. In order to finish the cabin on time, he and Rudy need to raise a minimum of five logs a day. “The Brooks are going for a world record of six logs!” announces Nate. He has brought the camcorder up to the top of the wall so viewers can admire the notch on the top log from the “notch cam.” The pranks continue with a close-up of Nate’s low-rider trousers, which are cut in such a way as to display a small but unmistakable butt-crack. He warns viewers to disregard any x-rated crack footage. “It’s been a particularly hot day – I’ll put on my shirt for you younger viewers,” he says helpfully.

Romantic difficulty #5. The Clunes’ home is far from a honeymoon cottage, says the narrator. Fantasy: Adrienne Clune thought she and Gordon would find lots of romantic hiding places when they got to their homestead. They could slip away together where no one could find them. Reality: “That just hasn’t happened. I don’t feel pretty and I don’t feel desirable. I go to bed smelly.” She muses that the reason people in old photographs didn’t smile wasn’t because they had bad teeth, but that “nobody on the frontier was having any sex – nobody was happy.”

Four days to the wedding. Older brother and best man Alan Brooks comes to help with the cabin. Nate says that the best man is there to “put you on ice and keep you chilled out.” He’s feeling happy and relaxed now that Alan’s there. He says that prerequisite training for every groom is to build your own house.

Romantic difficulty #6. The Glenns are in full battle-mode. Karen confronts Mark about his attitude towards her leadership style. Mark cautiously says that Karen calls all the shots, and he doesn’t think that’s a good setup. Karen then prods him to remember what she had told him about that before. “And my response is, what?” Mark brainstorms, hoping to come up with a suitable answer, which, of course, he can’t. “No. I said, ‘I am the pivotal person in this family. I am married to you. I am the children’s mother. I am the glue,’ ” Karen raps out. Mark rallies. “Who do you answer to?” Karen is unperturbed during all of this, as though she were participating in a rote exercise. “I answer to my own conscience.” Mark responds, “No one, that sets yourself up as God. Mrs. Mucilage, “OK. Well, I answer to my own God.”

Karen grins and turns to the camera saying that she’s at divorce-level. “I’m ready to kick him out and do it by myself.” But wait! Mark is still there, taking his licks. “We are?” Later, Karen privately tells the camera that Mark and Erinn have been fighting, but when company comes over he’s “all nice and friendly.” Mark tells the camera, “my wife is turnin’ into some kind of Hitler.”

Crisis #2. The womenfolk are feeling lonely and discouraged. Karen despondently says that she empathizes with women in the 1880s and feels just as trapped as they did. Her heroine is Calamity Jane who was a tough woman, not a pansy. The narrator helpfully supplies information about frontier divorce. It was easier to get in the West, where one marriage out of 15 failed.

Adrienne Clune misses her girlfriends and is very homesick. Niece Tracy Clune, 15, misses her family, whom she has never been away from for more than a week. But, since this is the family homecoming episode, her mother and father, Cindy and Bill Clune, arrive for a visit. They have a very tearful, affectionate reunion. Mom Cindy makes a big fuss over her daughter, saying she’s lost weight and exclaiming over the state of her fingernails. Mom says that Tracy is “very physical and emotional. She likes to be kissed and hugged. There’s no one here to kiss her.” The visitors admire the cabin, and are immediately put to work. Cindy saws out a window and Bill digs a trench. Cindy says later that it wasn’t hideous, just real dirty. They thought the experience would be more like a long Yosemite trip.

It’s time for the wedding. The site for the wedding, a beautiful mountain meadow, is being decorated for the ceremony. A large canvas canopy, and a bridal bower has been set up, along with tables, benches, and a small pipe organ. The older girls collect wildflowers for the wedding bouquet and decorations. In the most touching display of tradition, Karen Glenn and Adrienne Clune are making individual bride and groom cakes, as was common in the 19th century. The wives have been anticipating this task for some time, and have chosen special recipes. Karen Glenn, who is making the groom’s cake, uses a recipe from a period cookbook. Unthinkingly, she is short of an egg, having made omelets for breakfast. She and Erinn fuss about going to Nate’s farm to borrow an egg. Erinn complains that they’ve already borrowed flour and chicken feed from him. (My teenage daughter doesn’t even like phoning relatives, let alone the embarrassment of asking an adult for a favor.)

Nate finishes the cabin the day before the wedding. Rudy Brooks says that since his sons have reached their goal, he can give them both a kiss on the cheek and go home and give his wife a kiss on the cheek. Their final task is bringing in the bed frame.

We finally get to meet Kristen, Nate’s bride. She’s getting ready for the ceremony at a hotel in the nearest town. The show’s producers have taken pains to find a suite that’s as period-looking as possible. Period clothing has been provided for the bride’s family, too. The narrator explains that most brides were not married in white dresses, they wore their Sunday best clothes. Kristen has been given a handsome burgundy suit with pink braid trim, which she detests. She, like most women, has dreamed of being married in white, and mockingly calls the outfit a “burgundy and pink sailor suit.” Kristen is a very outgoing young woman with an earthy sense of humor. But knight-in-shining-armor Nate comes through again. A big white box arrives for Kristen. She pulls off the lid to reveal a tissue wrapped white lace veil. Kristen cries happy tears while she tries it on. “It’s exactly how I wanted it. It’s got a lift,” she exclaims, and pantomimes how Nate will lift the veil. But it gets better. Underneath the tissue paper is – a wedding dress! A beautiful, white lace trimmed 1880s wedding dress. Kristen tries to read the enclosed note through a stream of happy tears. The envelope is addressed to “little bird,” Nate’s pet name for her, and decorated with charming pen and ink birds and scrolls. The note reads “Now the fairy tale is complete, my beautiful princess, the white dress, the prince is awaiting.” Kristen bounces happily, “Now I get to change!”

We now see Adrienne Clune making the bride’s cake. Here, Adrienne demonstrates the qualities that make her a gourmet cook and holder of a degree in Food Science. The cake is a gorgeous three-tier confection, decorated with white frosting and piped rosettes. While we see her assembling the cake, Adrienne exults about how the day is an opportunity to just enjoy herself and be “pretty and clean.”

Karen Glenn’s groom’s cake also consists of three individual cakes. These are loaf-type cakes, laid side by side, with what looks like a burnt-butter glaze drizzled over the top. Karen says that it’s exactly the look she’s going for. “No mistakes here!”

It’s time to get ready for the wedding. All the womenfolk bathe and shampoo in the cold creeks. But bridegroom Nate is given the opportunity to break in the Clunes’ brand new tin bathtub. Nate says it’s the “best gift of my bachelor life.” Nate’s final chore is practicing his bride-over-the-threshold exercise. He wants to avoid “the bonk” when he swings Kristen up and into the cabin. He calls the maneuver a “nice smooth one-step pivot.” The narrator informs us about the incidence of interracial marriages in frontier Montana.

July 4: The Wedding. Kristen arrives at the meadow in a canopied horse-drawn carriage. When the Clune girls place the wildflower crown on her head, Kristen says she feels like she’s in a dream. The organist plays hymns, while the minister performs the wedding ceremony. At the conclusion, Nate pledges his own personal ode to Kristen. “I promise you for the rest of my life, you will be my only – exclusive – sole romantic partner.” Everybody laughs and hugs. Nate makes a brief groom’s speech, saying his time there had been one of solitude and reflection. Rudy says his goodbyes to everyone, and thanks them for caring. He breaks down at this point, saying that for six weeks he was part of their family.

As the fiddler plays waltzes, we hear the women’s feelings about love, marriage, and loss. Karen Glenn dances with husband Mark, smiling at him with the same expression as when they were arguing before. It’s a big open grin that seems to say, “Hey, we’re all friends here. I’m just being honest. Karen says that seeing Kristen and Nate so happy and so in love and so best friends magnifies how she and Mark aren’t best friends anymore. Mark says that they’ve brought a lot of problems from their modern-day lies out there. “This is Karen – this is just the way she is. I wouldn’t have her any other way – it’s a very dynamic relationship,” he says philosophically.

Adrienne Clune says it’s really good for her and Gordon seeing Kristen and Nate so romantic. She and Gordon are very expressive dancers, and are obviously having a very good time at the wedding.

Kristen Brooks talks about how disoriented she feels traveling back to 1883 in one day and becoming someone’s wife. It’s now dusk, and Nate carries a blindfolded Kristen over the threshold of their cabin. She opens her eyes to a fairytale bower. White candles illuminate the room. Flower garlands line the walls, and the bed is decorated with a beautiful quilt. Time for the honeymoon…

Next Installment: Survival

Melinda Smith is a technical illustrator and writer with a background in graphic arts. She and her family live in Cincinnati, Ohio. can be reached at tremme@eudoramail.com.

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