A Different Vision of the Possible All-Star Survivor

It was inevitable. After four seasons of Survivor, Mark Burnett decides one day to hold an all-star edition of the show. And, naturally, the good people at RNO have a roundtable discussion on that, figuring out who should go on this special season.

My problem? It’s not about the concept. There had to be a season chock full of alumni, waiting to get more licks in, get more money, or both. No, my problem was on how everybody is assuming this is going to be a 16-person, 39-day extravaganza, same as in a “normal” season.

I’m thinking that in such a format, at least two-thirds of the contestants would have to have been kicked off their tribes before the merge, before the episodes start off with the “me so hungry” wailing. The best of the best end up in a barely hospitable environment for a month. A month! You’d have to be Colby Donaldson and nail every reward challenge not bolted down in order to be comfortable.

Also… would game play have to be that intense? Watch an NHL All-Star game. Notice there’s no checking, minimal penalties and high scoring. Also, every all-star game has something in common: the only thing on the line is bragging rights.

Because I’m unemployed, I get these ideas. And I have one in regards to what “Survivor: All-Stars” should be all about.

Location

It would be tempting to go back to Pulau Tiga or Marquesas. But I don’t think it’s necessary. Why should contestants get to starve and suffer all over again? This is what every post-show interview should boil down to:

Reporter: So, did you like your time on the show?

Survivor: I had a lot of fun. I met people from all walks of life, I woke up in a beautiful locale, and I got to see things that most can only dream about.

Reporter: Would you do back?

Survivor: Oh, hell no. I lost a third of my body weight. My hair started coming out in clumps. I got six different diseases that my doctor still can’t diagnose. Go back? Once was enough!

Would Tom Buchanan last another 37 days with a boil on his neck? Could Colleen Haskell get more scabs on her legs? They’d have to be insane.

Bunim-Murray Productions had the right idea for the Real World/Road Rules Challenge “Battle of the Seasons”: put the contestants up at a nice resort in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Minimal discomfort there, and the drama quotas were met by some of the more dramatic people there.

Format

Since we’re trending on new ground, why not try something different? In my version, nobody gets kicked off until the third episode.

We start with 24 ex-Survivors. Four of them are designated as captains; ideally, they would be the winners of their respective seasons. If one declines to participate, then the highest-placing contestant would become captain. Each captain would pick her/her own team of six from the field of 20. Each team would have three men and three women, three people from one season (the captain and two ex-cast members) and one person from each of the other seasons.

In the first three episodes, the teams face off against each other. Some would be one-on-one matches; others would involve all four teams. Each episode would have three events, which would test strength, stamina, ingenuity and other aspects of Survivor. The teams would get points in each event, depending on their performance.

At the end of the third episode, the team with the fewest points is sent home. When the fourth episode begins, the captains of the two best teams choose three people per side from the remaining team. Now there are two teams with nine people per side. The next three episodes would pit these two teams against each other. I’m thinking a game of baseball (or softball) would be thrown in, given the appropriate numbers. Points would be won at the end of each event.

After the sixth episode, the team with the fewest points gets booted. Now there are nine people on one team. And you know what you get from nine contestants? Two would-be winners and seven jury members. Reward challenges would be eschewed in favor of more immunity challenges. There would be two councils per episode. And by the tenth episode, the final Tribal Council would decide who the sole survivor would be. I estimate the process would take about 26 days, give or take.

Rewards

You’ll notice that reward challenges are needed in Survivor to make a person feel more comfortable. Since the comfort level here is greater, there would be no need for reward challenges. However, individual players can vie for Most Valuable Player prizes in each event during the team competitions. MVP points could also be accumulated, and the player with the most points wins something extra nice.

And this time, I think that the final money totals of all nine positions should be revealed ahead of time. Given that the players would be in relative comfort, a reduced prize of $500,000 (or even $250,000) wouldn’t be too bad. And Burnett would chip in a matching amount of money to each player’s favorite charity.

Air Dates

Why should this take place instead of a regular season of the show? Film it between the fifth and sixth editions, and air it accordingly. This way, diehard fans can chew on that between the “real” seasons (prior to this year, BMP aired Real World/Road Rules Challenge at the beginning of the year, before new seasons of both shows aired).

So, who would be in this edition of Survivor? I tried to be realistic. For instance, I can’t see Rudy Boesch coming back. Debb Eaton was torn to shreds by yellow journalists, having been exposed as a widow dating her stepson, so no way would she hold herself to further ridicule. And the only way Stacey Stillman would come back is if she got to extinguish her torch in Jeff Probst’s face. I went for a mix of winners and whiners. I also picked a few people overlooked by the RNO Roundtable. Then again, I’m working with 24 people, so I’m at a slight advantage.

Season One: Pulau Tiga

Richard Hatch (captain): The furry magnificent bastard. The father of the alliance. The true Godfather of the game (take that, Mariano!). It would be interesting to see if he could walk away as the sole Survivor, when everybody know the games he could play.

Susan Hawk: Well, she’s done Big Brother 2 and Cannonball Run 2001. Why wouldn’t she show up for this? And we need to remember there are scarier women than Zoe.

Colleen Haskell: Figure that amongst the various archetypes on the show, the originator of the sweetheart role should come down and try for the big money denied to her. For this edition of the game, I wouldn’t hold her role in The Animal against her.

Gervase Peterson: Like Susan, he’s been on TV a lot after Survivor. Had the game been more about physical play rather than alliances, he might have been the sole survivor.

Greg Buis: Why? He’s a nut. He invented the coconut cell phone and the “pick-a-number” query during the final council. One wild card would be needed, and he fits in that role nicely.

Sonja Christopher: Her expulsion in the very first episode signified that the show wasn’t going to be very nice. I just want to see if she could be as cutthroat as her Tagi comrades, given time.

Season Two: The Australian Outback

Tina Wesson (captain): So she clung onto Colby, remora-like, to get the million. Big deal. Consider the effort it took to last 42 days without getting a single vote to her name and failing to win an Immunity Challenge.

Colby Donaldson: Has set records in winning Reward and Immunity Challenges that will be as hard to eclipse as Joe DiMaggio’s 56-game hitting streak. He is the Outplay to Richard’s Outwit and Tina’s Outplay.

Amber Brkich: This could be a chance to redeem herself. Was she a henchwench for resident villain Jerri, or did she just hitch her ride to the wrong horse? Perhaps there is more to her than was displayed in her Stuff pictorial.

Jeff Varner: The acerbic member of the Kucha tribe, he ended up sinking himself and his teammates by quitting an Immunity Challenge for a jar of peanut butter. A Survivor with a fan following, he could be fun to watch.

Michael Skupin: Love him or hate him, one must admit his fall into the fire on Day 18 took out the game’s front-runner from competition. Hopefully, he won’t come across as “Psycho Micho.” Then again, given the number of accidents he’s suffered since his tumble, maybe he should stay home.

Maralyn “Mad Dog” Hershey: Never has a contestant been so much fun to watch in such a short time. She barely got the chance to sink her false teeth into the competition in the Outback.

Season Three: Africa

Ethan Zohn (captain): Is he proof that nice guys can finish first, or was his victory an anomaly? Like Tina, he never received a vote, and he stayed away from most of the drama to win the million.

Lex van den Berghe: A nice guy at first, his snake hunt transformed him into that season’s ready-to-order villain. His return could redeem his failure at the final immunity challenge. And if he loses early? He could join his bandmates in Lucky Dog and provide entertainment for the remaining contestants.

Tom Buchanan: Do I have to spell it out? After the ugliness with Clarence Black and the canned peaches, he became one of the funnier contestants in the show’s history. Also, I’d like to see him not wear the bib overalls just once.

Teresa Cooper: A direct benefactor to Burnett’s great “Twist.” Would’ve been toast at the hands of Silas and Co.; instead, she lasted up to Day 36, demonstrated a toughness belayed by a sweet accent.

Kim Powers: Aside from getting hosed down by Tom, I didn’t remember much about her. But in the after-show special, she was having money problems. So maybe she could get a shot for dough here.

Jessie Camacho: She got a raw deal. Had she been a member of Samburu, she could have used Brandon’s balm to heal her lips. Regarded as a hottie by most viewers, and who am I to argue?

Survivor Four: Marquesas

Vecepia Towery: Well, she won her season, so she must have done something right. I just deleted Neleh in order to put Vecepia’s name in here. She sought to stay free from drama in Maraamu, Rotu, and Solliantu. Could she do the same here?

Kathy Vavrick-O’Brien: She has blossomed this season from being a bigger pain-in-the-rear than Debb to becoming a favorite in both fan circles and for winning the whole thing. This time around, I hope she wouldn’t be so needy for recognition.

Rob Mariano: Like Vecepia Towery, I can be allergic to drama. But most people enjoy it, and Rob’s ham-fisted machinations were fun to watch. He blended a touch of evil with a dopiness that makes him fun to watch.

Sean Rector: Like Rob, he was a jerk early in the game. Unlike Rob, he’s matured somewhat, even going so far as to rank on Neleh’s lack of work ethic. Highly entertaining.

John Carroll: Another bland guy who morphed into a Richard wannabe. Just keep him away from eels, sea urchins, and a rapping Gabriel Cade, and he’ll do fine.

Gina Crews: A sane woman in an insane tribe. Hopefully she could be more than just the “Gina” in “Hunter and Gina.”

So that’s my plan for Survivor: All-Stars. If you like my plan, e-mail it to Mark Burnett.

Below is a simulation of team rosters. Nicknames would be optional:

Richard’s Rabble-Rousers

Richard (Captain)
Sue
Greg
Amber
Jessie
Rob

Tina’s Titans

Tina (Captain)
Colby
Mike
Sonja
Tom
Gina

Ethan’s Executioners

Ethan (Captain)
Lex
Teresa
Colleen
Maralyn
John

Vecepia’s Vindicators

Vecepia (Captain)
Kathy
Sean
Gervase
Jeff
Kim P.

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