UK Survivor 2, Episodes 10 & 11: Time's Up

Well after a couple of weeks in Michigan, I have now returned to the UK to catch up with recent events in Survivor Panama. I took some time there to follow the latter episodes of Survivor: Marquesas and compared to its US equivalent, life on Bocas del Toro is quiet. Nobody has suddenly swapped alliances, nobody has collapsed of dehydration and nobody has mentioned God’s name even once. On the other hand, the chances of Rosie O’Donnell turning up on this week’s live finale are slim; although the same is likely of even the most obscure celeb, whether daytime TV, pop wannabe, or former reality TV show contestant desperately hoping for a few more minutes of public exposure. The likely exception is last year’s winner Charlotte Hoborough, who will undoubtedly appear wearing her usual short skirt and low-cut top.

Anyway to recap, it is now Day 30 and the day after Dave, the last member of the former North Island tribe was voted out, leaving just the four ex-South Islanders in contention. Bridget remarks on how commendable it was that the four’s original tribal agreement had stayed intact. Jonny replies that it was because they were all “anti-social old gits”. Susannah, more accurately, says that everyone lacked the imagination and willpower to concoct more interesting strategies. Certainly any of John, Jonny, and Susannah could have put themselves in a more advantageous position at this stage by breaking their long-standing alliance and joining up with some of the not so strong ex-North Islanders, plus Bridget, against whom they might have had more chance in winning key immunities in the latter stages. Instead, as Susannah acknowledges, the mood of the tribe now has to change as each individual needs to focus away from the alliance of four and towards how best to progress, against tough competition, to the final.

That day’s reward challenge involves the four looking at themselves in the mirror and guessing as closely as possible how much weight they have lost since being on the island. John, Jonny and Susannah are all 2 kg out and share the reward, which are food and luxury parcels from their loved ones at home. Bridget’s estimate is slightly more inaccurate and she misses out. As if her position isn’t already precarious enough, this is a further blow to her confidence and she retreats to her hammock in tears, at missing out on communication from her family. Like Mrs Slocombe’s pussy references in Are You Being Served or Kenny in South Park dying, Bridget’s tears are now becoming an episode trademark. Susannah tries to comfort her and generously offers to share the food. Meanwhile the others happily investigate the contents of their parcels. Jonny has a small bottle of red wine, which is quickly consumed. John receives a king sized Mars Bar and some personal effects, including a photograph of his late father, which deeply moves him. Susannah of course manages to outdo everyone else in sophistication with a large salami sausage and Parmesan cheese, together with a Mr Hankey doll, which may be a statement from her husband that life on the island is shit.

The mood of contentment does not last as news is soon received about an ambiguous immunity challenge, for which they need to pack their bags and assemble at sunset. Susannah is excited at the prospect of a camping expedition, although she should know by now that there is unlikely to be hot water and barbecue equipment to hand. The four are left at four different points of a nearby island with an envelope giving further directions for the challenge, which they are not allowed to open until a central signal is given. This does not happen until fourteen hours after they are each marooned, leading to a long and unsettling night in the open, being the first time each of them has been left on their own since arriving on the island. Susannah tries to console herself by reading some Shakespeare while Jonny and Bridget attempt, not particularly successfully, to sleep.

Eventually the signal sounds at 7.55 am and the sleep-deprived and mosquito-bitten four each open their envelopes to find a compass and instructions to navigate their way to a central clearing on the island, where the first person to arrive would win immunity. John, who has some orienteering experience through his time in the Marines, quickly heads off, while Jonny and Susannah are soon lost. Bridget, not used to handling hi-tech equipment like a compass decides to do things the traditional rural way by climbing onto high ground and guessing the right direction. Incredibly this tactic nearly works, as she stumbles within metres of the clearing and the immunity amulet, but she misses it – and with it her only real chance of staying on the island. Jonny, Susannah, and Bridget then all run into each other, by which time John, despite tripping over creepers and swearing, gets to the clearing first and claims yet another immunity. Bridget then dramatically tumbles over creepers into the clearing and calls John a very naughty word when she finds him already there.

Back at camp, John reassures Jonny that their agreement is intact, while, to round off a miserable day for Bridget, there is yet more whinging about her. Jonny describes her as “the most boring woman in the universe” after an eulogy about the tea and coffee drinking habits of her family and an excited description of her family’s plans to plant 20,000 cabbages this year. This sounds like one of those old Soviet propaganda newsreels; next up happy workers in the tractor factory fulfil all targets in the five year plan. John is still unimpressed about the fact that Bridget gets more upset about the deaths of thousands of farm animals in last year’s foot and mouth disease crisis (despite being personally unaffected) than by the events of September 11, and describes her as “phenomenally ignorant”. Bridget is still blissfully unaware of everyone’s growing contempt and remarks on how hilarious everyone’s “mickey-taking” is. Earth to Planet Bridget; I will say this only once: they really do not like you!

Just for good measure, John also has a pot at Susannah for “wanting to win more than anyone on both tribes put together”, although this is usually the main reason people volunteer to put themselves through 39 days of hell on Survivor. John claims that neither he nor Jonny had made any direct commitment to support her. Susannah herself claims that she still considered herself as part of a full alliance and did not believe that the two Js had their own private agreement, which by her astute standards seems somewhat naïve. However after playing the same game with Lee right at the very start of the series, it is nicely ironic to see Susannah at the other end of the barrel. Both John and Jonny are meanwhile amused to see pictures of her playing croquet in her parcel from home. Perhaps there is a place for Susannah in the next Merchant Ivory movie.

The atmosphere in the tribe is tense the next morning as tribal council approaches. However, there is excitement as the trap in the creek finally catches a cayman. Susannah then reveals a new psychotic side to her so civilised veneer by joyously slicing off its head and gutting it, which she then describes as an “unforgettable experience”. For some reason, she particularly enjoys cutting off the animal’s penis. Do we have a new Lorena Bobbitt in the making? It is no wonder Jonny later describes Susannah as “dangerous”. The tribe then spend the rest of the day fishing, in an attempt to dispel the tension of the forthcoming vote. Susannah catches a crab and, now in the mood for bloodshed, proceeds to kill that as well, before combining the day’s catches and the food parcel contents for supper.

Tribal council comes around, at which Jonny admits that he has an “unbreakable bond” with John, in part based on sharing both the same birthday and the same first vinyl single ever bought; D.I.S.C.O. by Ottawan. This is a particularly cheesy piece of French disco nonsense from the early eighties and possession should be made a crime against society. After this shock revelation, Susannah tries to revert to more civilised values by stating that she had thought about other alliance possibilities, but didn’t want to betray the real trust and friendships with the two Js that she had developed on the island. Aah. Bridget says that she is not concerned about winning the million pounds prize, which is just as well as the inevitable happens and she is unanimously voted off by the other three. Susannah profoundly states that “the mother hen has ruffled too many feathers and she {Susannah}now wants to stretch her wings”. With Susannah’s current newfound taste for slaughter, the mother hen might consider herself lucky to escape the island without her neck being wrung.

The following morning, everyone reflects on how quiet things are on the island without Bridget. Despite losing the subject of his ire, John now has a new problem to contend with, as he appears to have acquired Susannah’s tonsillitis. Passing on contagious diseases to their rivals would certainly be a new tactic by Survivor contestants. Everyone unhappily speculates on the reality of having to compete with the others in their close-knit group for the first time. Jonny does not want to vote against either John or Susannah, and speculates that “someone will get hurt”.

Today’s reward challenge is a quiz on people and events that had happened on the island so far. Each contestant would move forward one space on a big marker board for every correct answer and the first person to reach the fifth space would win. Susannah demonstrates an excellent memory for personal trivia by winning after six questions and is offered the choice of ordering food by phone from the local pizza parlour or being able to use the phone for one minute to speak to a loved one back home. Although the first choice would undoubtedly be the most practical in her situation, the soppy romantic gives it up for the chance to speak to her husband Barnaby, despite not knowing whether he would actually be at home (John helpfully speculated that he might be in Spearmint Rhinos, a naked lapdancing club). She contacts him and exchanges lots of “I love you”s.

Despite giving up on the chance of pizza and beer, Susannah is in confident mood and aims to win the next immunity challenge. Perhaps trying to play some mind games, she asks Jonny whether he now felt threatened by her being on a roll. John meanwhile feels low physically and psychologically and is trying desperately to refocus. He still trusts Jonny to back him but fears Susannah’s ambition and Jonny’s lack of subtlety in discussing strategy doesn’t help. John accuses him of communicating in ‘Inspector Clouseau’ comedy whispers whenever he wanted to speak to him, which is not the best recommendation for a real-life detective.

The day of the crucial immunity challenge is suitably damp and miserable. The three try to ease the tension by agreeing not to dwell on voting options before tribal council as this would be of no advantage to anyone. They then set off to their original home on South Island for the challenge, which is entitled ‘Your time is up’. Each member of the tribe sits in a circle around a fire and has to estimate how long it would take for one hour to elapse, without using props or any form of communication. When they believe that an hour had passed, they have to light their torch and walk away from the circle. This is a particularly tough mental test after a month without clocks and considering the pressure all of them are under before the final immunity vote.

Time passes until eventually John leaves the circle, followed later by Susannah and finally Jonny. Mark then ratchets up the tension still further by announcing that the result of the challenge would not be revealed until tribal council. This seems a strange decision by the producers, as it eliminates the possibility of a pre-council ‘beauty contest’ where the final two each try to plead, negotiate or bribe the immune third person to cast their vote in their favour, although such a scenario would admittedly be unlikely to happen with these particular tribemates and their strong level of personal respect for each other.

John is subsequently annoyed with himself. In a loss of focus similar to the infamous showboating incident on the pull up beam early in the series, which cost South Island an immunity, he had become distracted by an ant and lost count of the time (which would possibly be the most bizarre scapegoat for anyone leaving Survivor). Jonny is agitated at not knowing the result of the challenge. Both however feel that it is now unlikely the two of them would be in the final together and John is unable to make any further promises of support to Jonny. Susannah meanwhile tries to take her mind off the situation by, yes you guessed it, reading more Shakespeare, in this case Richard III. “Now is the winter of our discontent” was appropriately apt (apart from the winter bit). She cannot decide who to take to the final with her, if she did gain immunity.

After a final meal as a threesome, they dwell on what they had gained from the Survivor experience. Jonny had enjoyed five ‘amazing’ weeks with great people away from the nastiness of his job, learnt that he can stand on a log for 24 hours (which may be of use in surveillance operations), realised how much he loved his girlfriend and now believes that self-respect and sticking to principles was more important than money. Susannah had learnt that she was less outgoing than she originally thought and newly appreciated the importance of personal time. She had also learnt practical skills such as killing a cayman (very relevant in suburban Wimbledon) and also, interestingly for someone so focused on the game’s financial reward, felt herself less materialistic. John echoes this sentiment but, perhaps more realistically, felt this would not last after he got home and started longing again for a smaller cellphone and larger car.

At last, it is time for tribal council, where Mark announces the result of the immunity challenge. Jonny had left the circle 9 minutes and 39 seconds after an hour had elapsed and Susannah 8 minutes and 29 seconds after. John departed 10 minutes and 30 seconds before the hour. Therefore Susannah wins her first immunity of the whole series and it couldn’t be any better timed, as any other result would have led to certain elimination. As it is, Susannah now has the task of eliminating one of the two other tribe members with whom she had closely bonded with during the previous five weeks, while taking the other into the final to compete against her for the jury and the public audience’s votes. She freely admits this responsibility is a mixed blessing and that casting the decisive vote is the most difficult thing she had ever had to do. By the wonderful coincidence of names of the two men, the camera is able to take a dramatic shot of Susannah writing the letters ‘Jo...’ on the voting slip before cutting away. The vote is then revealed and John is the one to go. No doubt this was a very difficult decision to make, but Susannah presumably based her choice upon the fact that John, with his openness and strong sense of humour, would be more popular with the jury than the slightly more guarded Jonny, although the difference is extremely marginal. John takes the decision with his customary good grace, shaking hands with Jonny and kissing Susannah goodbye, before leaving the island.

So we now have Jonny up against Susannah for the title of ultimate Survivor. Unlike last year’s final, which was contested by two people not particularly popular with the rest of the tribe, this time both competitors have played the game with integrity and respect and have not committed any act of vitriol or betrayal which could turn any member of the jury against them (the moans about Bridget notwithstanding). The jury’s choice is therefore likely to be decided by assessment of personality and it is here that Susannah is at a definite disadvantage. Though always friendly and civil to the other tribemates throughout, her elite croquet-playing, salami-munching, Shakespeare-reading appearance of social elitism has always been at odds with the more down-to-earth backgrounds of the other tribe members, and her open honesty about primarily playing to win the million pounds has not been popular compared to the more modest public aspirations expressed by everyone else (even those who secretly might have been as ambitious as Susannah). This sounds like a stereotypical British trait, but there has always been suspicion about people who state their ambitions as openly and as confidently as Susannah has.

I expect the jury voting to go this way: John will certainly vote for his friend and ally Jonny. Drew has already stated that she is uncomfortable with someone already as financially well-off as Susannah winning the million pounds. Dave and Helen have not felt comfortable with Susannah’s graces. They will all likely vote for Jonny too. Alastair as a fellow social aspirant is likely to feel a closer affinity towards Susannah. Bridget, who was pretty clueless about most events on the island, is completely unpredictable. The public viewers’ vote will overwhelmingly be in favour of Jonny too, for the same aversion towards Susannah’s perceived elitism and also buoyed by a strong Tartan vote, as the Scottish nation rallies to back one of its own (even if many of them have not watched a single episode of Survivor). Therefore I predict 5 votes to 2 victory for Jonny. And no thanks at all to God.

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