The Reality TV Hall of Shame: 'Chains of Love'

We’ve had our first player entry in the Reality TV Hall of Shame. Now it’s time for our first show to be inducted.

Perhaps the most un-erotic program (of those that rely on the exposure of human flesh to obtain ratings) has to be the dreadful UPN reality series Chains of Love, which should have had Aretha Franklin's "Chain of Fools" as a soundtrack.

The premise was supposed to be interesting -- one man or woman chained at the wrist and ankles to four members of the opposite sex. One by one a chained member would be released based upon the whim of the chained person du jour. Additionally, this person could allot to give the booted paramour a portion of their $5,000 prize or even nothing at all. This continued until the final person was eliminated and our chained idiot was left with the person they found either least objectionable or most willing to continue to make a fool of themselves on TV. It was at this point that a final decision was made as to whether or not they would keep or dump the person that remained. If they kept them, power then reverted to the (un?)lucky individual who had the ultimate say... Okay I can't take explaining this horrible show anymore!

This show is horrible! It sucks. It made no sense. After watching them struggle to eat or make dinner together for the umpteenth time or even watching them all struggle to get some sleep, it just wasn't interesting anymore. Oooh, watch the hilarity as John tries to roll over and winds up whacking blonde girl number one on the head. Oooh, look as this guy makes a play on the girl in the middle of the night while the three other guys sleep on. Oooh, look as they all try to brush their teeth in unison. Oooh, look as somehow they have changed into swimwear while still chained together and are relaxing in the pool.

The only part that was even mildly amusing was when they had the supposed one-on-one dates while the other "competitor" was about fifteen to twenty feet away -- still chained to the others. Oooh, look as Tom and Judy dine on filet mignon and feed each other strawberries dipped in cream. Oooh, look as poor Kevin has to eat Chinese food from a styrofoam tray, watching with a pissed look on his face.

Of course, the limits of people sharing their own personal thoughts while chained to at least four other people meant that they had to break out the headsets. There's Mindy bitching about Susie, who can't hear a thing thanks to her headset. Oh, if she only knew! Oooh, it's scandalous. It's naughty. Best of all, she'll never know until the show airs! Contain your giggles now.

Even worse was the person they had as the Chainkeeper, the Lockkeeper, the big mean-looking dude with the key to the locks who said nothing and was supposed to be a menacing presence. I am assuming his total muteness was supposed to make him seem more ominous and frightening. Whenever he would appear there would be the faintest look of relief on the faces of the chained potential lovers that seemed to say, "Ooh, look there's the guy whose gonna get me off of this show!" People might have been crying in the SUV on their way out, but something tells me they had to ultimately be relieved they were cut when the show ultimately aired.

Correction, there was something even worse than the Chain/Lock/Whatever-keeper/master/holder. It was the hostess, Michelle Madison, who was never seen throughout the entire show until the very end when she had the honor of explaining the rules of the final round -- something she never seemed to be able to do well enough to merit even being a part of the program.

But this show couldn't be complete without the follow-up screens to let us know what happened to each of our poor competitors after they left the show. More often than not we learned that the men tried hooking up with the women they had just dumped. I mean really, it just reinforced the already intact stereotypes that men's brains seem to reside about six to eight inches below their naval and that women will do just about anything to land a guy.

So for all of these reasons, and some I couldn’t even bring myself to discuss, this show certainly deserves to be in the Reality TV Hall of Shame. Whoever thought it was a good idea should be fired (if they haven’t been already) – that is, after being chained up to the fence of the production studio with a big sign that say, “This is what happens to people who make horrible TV shows.”

If you have a nomination for the Reality TV Hall of Shame, send it in and we’ll take a look at it. But remember, the participant or show has to be truly deserving to be inducted into the Hall.

C. Brian Devinney is a human resources consultant and huge Yankees fan based in New York City. He is the author of his own blog, "Tales From the City" and is currently writing his third play, Poker Night. He can be reached at TheRealityFactor@aol.com.

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