Bachelorettes in Alaska, Episode 1: Come in from the Cold

Hello, gentle readers,

Do you miss the dating game? Survivor? Temptation Island? Here come the brides? How about a nice little confection, with all these favorites rolled up in one? It's "Spinsters on Ice," or Looking for love: Bachelorettes in Alaska! Like the treats from the good humor man, it's sweetly satisfying, but not filling enough to assuage your hunger for more. And like all junky treats, it also leaves a smile on your lips and guilt on your conscience. So indulge yourself with me, and follow the pied piper's clarion call to Alaska!

Lets start with the contestants, shall we? First, we have the bachelorettes themselves: there's Andrea, a red-headed 34-year-old Advertising Coordinator from San Francisco, CA. She has never been married, and identifies her ideal husband as "a man who is intelligent, with a sense of humor." Granted, this may describe about 1/8 of the men on the planet, including Woody Allen, Henry Kissinger, and Prince Charles. OK, so Chuck is just funny looking, but I think you get the picture. Funny is good, intelligent is good, but how about something a little easier on the eyes, huh? Thankfully, the producers of this fluffy sideshow know what the typical American viewer likes (which explains why The Scorpion King made it onto the big screen. All right, I saw it twice, but who's counting?) In other words: pinups, beefcake... a little eye candy.

Our next bachelorette is Cecile, an innocent-looking little exotic number. She is a 26-year-old Sales Analyst from Benicia, CA, who lists her ideal man as "a man with a strong sense of family." So, is he a polygamist with 8 wives and 34 children? When I look at Cecile, I can't help but think of the character from MAD TV, Mrs. Swann. "And what would your ideal man look like, Mrs. Swann?" 'I tell you every-ting! He looka lika man!' She strikes me as the most emotionally frail of our group of bachelorettes so far, as evidenced by her swampy eyes near the end of the episode. But more about that later.

Then we have Karen, a 36-year-old Business Development Manager from Hampton, NH. She is the grizzled veteran of the group, once divorced, yet not old enough to have lost that small spark of hope that yes, there may yet be a man out there for her. She seems to be the real deal when it comes to viewing the entire bachelorette buffet. She states that she is looking for a man who is ambitious, yet fun. So, in other words, she's looking for Gene Simmons? Donald Trump in a Barney the dinosaur suit?

Then we have Rebekah. Ah, yes, Rebekah. The most vapid and vainglorious of them all. Rebekah is clearly the bachelorette to hate from the get go. On paper, she looks fine, she's pretty (albeit with a horsey set of teeth to rival anyone in the British house of Lords), 27, and a Real Estate Agent from L.A. Rebekah proudly proclaims that she's looking for a man who appreciates her for who she is inside. Let's just hope they don't look too deep inside, honey. You're like a pretty package, all wrapped up nice and neat, with a pit viper inside. Even when caught in the decidedly unglamorous moment of applying her underarm deodorant in her underwear, Rebekah manages to remember to keep her nonexistent stomach tucked in (somewhere behind her backbone). She makes Ally McBeal look pudgy. Plus she gives new meaning to the term "high maintenance." But she's also loads of fun to watch while she works each and every man at the little Sadie Hawkins get-togethers. She sidles up to them, one by one, flipping her hair, soliciting massages, and batting her eyelashes. Subtlety, thy name is Rebekah. Let's just hope she gets taken down a peg or two in the next episodes, before she breaks something. Or I throw a shoe through my TV screen.

Then there's Sissie, a vivacious, blonde southern belle from Myrtle Beach, SC. She's a 31-year-old interior designer looking for "a man who is strong, solid and stable." Mr. French? Brian Keith? Sorry Sis, I think they're both dead. We'll have to see what Alaska comes up with.

Our role call of bachelors includes Keith, a 31-year-old tour boat captain from Sewark, Alaska.

Jack, a 34-year-old pouty-lipped marketing/interior designer from Anchorage. (He made my mouth water. He's a male interior designer and straight; what are the odds?)

Patrick is a 29-year-old architect from Anchorage (What, did the producers put an advertisement in "Design Digest"?)

Thaddeus is a 28-year-old commercial diver from Anchorage, as well. He's the one with the shaved head. A.k.a. small, dark, and gruesome. He's the one dressed like a skateboarder. Yeah, chicks dig skateboarders. Right.

Kristian is a 29-year-old guide/carpenter/author and photographer with the close-set eyes of a ferret. OK, OK, we get it. He's a renaissance man. Does he knit his own sweaters from Malamute fur, too?

Now that we know a little bit more about some of the cast of players, let's review the premise for the show. Fox ships a bunch of desperate and dateless women from the lower 48 up to the land of the midnight sun in pontoon-equipped light aircraft. The ladies are assembled with 35 or so potential mates gleaned from the finest stud farms in Alaska. Alas, the ladies are not permitted to talk to their prospective swains, but why should that stop Rebekah from working her mojo? Not to let opportunity slip through her well-manicured fingers, Rebekah begins flirting and introducing herself to the menfolk. Let the games begin! The women are then permitted to each cull a man from the testosterone herd. Fox also thoughtfully stashes each of the ladies away in separate cabins. Oh look, an opportunity for stolen moments, far from the madding crowds, but not the ever-watchful cameras! Fox does have ratings to think of, you know. The women are paired up with the men they have chosen to begin this adventure with, and set loose on mini-dates so that they can develop a bond with their potential husbands. Then, just as things start to get cozy, look out, it's the ole fox in the hen-house ploy! The producers spice up the mix by adding an additional group of bachelors, and make them compete in a he-man competition. In a true test of masculine marksmenship, the new swains get to throw sharp things at targets. And instead of the immunity idol, the winner gets to go on a date with the girl of his choice. In this case, the winner happens to be Troy, a Ted Nugent look alike. He's a mechanic from Elmendorf AFB with an 8-year-old son. As my friend and I were gleefully making fun of his gritty looks, he dropped his jacket, giving us a better look at his butt. In profile. It's nice. Very nice. And later he takes off the $10 Walmart sunglasses to reveal dreamy green eyes. Let’s face it, Troy could pose for the cover of a bosom heaving/bodice ripping romance novel. Then he has to ruin it all and go for the tease: Rebekah. You know, like the cheerleader in high school that went through beefcake like a food processor. The tramp who could have any man she wanted, but unerringly chose your man. Welcome back to high school, girls, but this time we'll hopefully get to witness the cat fight we only heard of in whispered conversations behind the bleachers. And this time, there's no strangely androgynous gym teacher to break things up. The rest of the girls are stuck with leftovers: Karen chooses Matt, Sissie pairs off with pouty-lipped Jack, and Cecile and Andrea cozy up to Thaddeus. Are you having a hard time keeping track of all these bachelors so far? So am I, but hang in there gentle reader, I will elucidate: Thaddeus, a.k.a. "Thad," looks like the lead singer of "The Smashing Pumpkins," and has about as much sex appeal. (I apologize to all the fans of Billy whats-his-face of T.S.P., but he's just not my cup of tea. So please reserve your flames for a more deserving website... say, Brittany Spears’, for example.) Pardon me, I digress. Thad is bald. In Alaska. I thought hair would be a good thing in Alaska, you know, extra insulation? Plus he cruises the girls with his red sweatshirt hood up. Now there's a look designed to impress the girls! Lucky Thad gets to choose between the two leftover dishes, and he chooses Andrea, to Cecile's dismay. Cecile later confesses to Rebekah that the worst part of being spurned by Thad is that Thad would erroneously assume that Cecile actually liked him. As if! She, like, totally felt sorry for him, like, you know? This is one of the many scenes that showcases Cecile's fragility beautifully. She's the emotional equivalent of a 13-year-old from the valley.

So, we see various segments of innocent little dates as the "new blood" strives to impress the girls by making snow angels, handing them love tokens, and empathetically falling off their mountain bikes with them. The original guys don't take this sitting down, no! They run off to the nearest 7-11 and buy up all the red roses at the counter to present to the girls at dinner. Rebekah is so impressed by the touching gesture that she promptly (and enthusiastically) throws herself at every man in the group. The men stare at her with glazed eyes and slack jaws. It appears that none of them are immune to her ploys. Except the women, of course, who engage in much eye rolling at Rebekah's expense. But it's obviously not the women that Rebekah is trying so hard to impress. Throughout the episode, the cameras catch the couples pairing off for stolen moments in the girls' cabins. The producers thoughtfully keep us abreast of the situation with subtitles, like: Andrea's and Kristian's first kiss, etc. Wow. Cliff’s Notes. Thanks. We soon get to see another interesting aspect of the show: the plea system. (Try not to gag here, gentle readers.) On "Proposal Point," the men are given the opportunity to make an official plea for their intended's hand. The men shamelessly grovel in front of their chosen ones, and for each plea, the woman in question receives $2000 to add to her dowry. Most of the men proffer objects of their infection, I mean, affection. Troy has earlier presented an Alaskan journal to Rebekah, with his name repeated several times on the first page. Obviously, Troy picked up on Rebekah's low I.Q., and wanted to make sure that she would remember his name. Later, Troy (as well as Jack and Matt) make it official, and ply Rebekah with Champagne, flowers, etc. They've obviously caught on to the "make her drunk" tactic. Rebekah racks up the moolah, blows off her tree-hugging yet oh-so-delectable original boyfriend, and chooses a new victim. And it's not even Troy, the second string quarterback. Thaddeus makes a plea to Sissie, complete with an artfully woven willow basket, which, incidentally, left me wondering if a gay production assistant whipped it together especially for the occasion. I mean, c'mon, what self-respecting, straight mountain man knows how to basket weave, let alone thinks of adding color-coordinated ribbons? Pardon me, I digress again. Cecile becomes teary eyed when none of the men make a plea for her, or even give her a LaBlatt's, or a doorstop made from frozen moose turds, or anything! How rude! She links arms with her original suitor so, like a guide dog, he can lead the moistened heroine off stage. Never fear, dear friends, tender Cecile and her little chums will have many more chances to impress the flannel-clad masses, and hopefully rack up a chunk of dowry change in the process. What will Rebekah resort to next week? Stay tuned to the next gripping episode. I predict Rebekah will don the same fur outfit that Jane Fonda did in Barbarella. Either that or a thong. Dollar bils only, please, those Sacajawea dollars get mighty cold when dropped into a g-string at 14 below.

Suzanne Tromblay is a licensed social worker with the State of Ohio.

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