Bachelorettes in Alaska, Episode 2: Attack of the Clowns

This gripping episode begins with the newly united couples gathered in the scenic Northern Light lodge. We're provided with a shot of Rebekah rhapsodizing about how cool it is having men plea for her and racking up the dough. We shift back to the shot of the group hanging out in the lodge, and new meat (or "dead man walking," if you prefer) Jack is filling Rebekah in on the part of the poem he had forgotten in his earlier plea. "Your legs are as long and as graceful as a deer prancing through the meadow." Aww, Jack, I'm touched. Really. Now take your wimpy little designer-label-clad ass and prance it right back into the Hallmark store for some fresh material, because, honestly, your poems suck. It's a good thing the lodge has plenty of spittoons sitting around to catch all the vomit your verses are inspiring. We cut to a scene of the girls getting ready to start their busy day the next morning. We see Andrea, Cecile, and Sissie, as well as the menfolk, dressed, ready to go, and out the door, as the camera repeatedly cuts back to Rebekah.

Rebekah is posing (in her underwear, of course) in her all time favorite location: in front of the mirror. See Karen zip her coat. Cut back to Rebekah flipping her silken tresses to try to capture the hairstyle that will hide her Alfred E. Newman ears to the greatest effect. Everyone else gathers outside. Rebekah sucks in her gut and plays with her hair. Finally, Cecile can stand it no longer. How dare someone make her wait? She stamps her dainty foot, and rushes off to confront Rebekah in her cabin. It's a passive-aggressive face-off. There are accusations, mixed with coy gestures as Cecile alternates between berating Rebekah and toying with Rebekah's hair. Millions (OK, thousands) of men in America sit on the edge of their seat, hoping against hope for a half-nude catfight. Or a spontaneous make-out session. Or a catfight that evolves into a make-out session. Rebekah flashes her eyes, her belly ring, and the palm of her hand in Cecile's face. Hissy fit over, they head out into the snow. A thousand American men groan in utter disappointment. Cecile describes the exchange as "bickering like sisters." My sisters and I never fought like that. We also never had pillow fights wearing Victoria's Secret lingerie. Oops, I hope I didn't give anything away... Anyway, the couples head out to the rendezvous point via dog sled. I haven't seen this many drooling, panting bitches since, well, since they all got together the night before. The girls sit in the dogsleds, the guys stand behind them, and try to cop a feel or steal a kiss, despite the improbable physics of the situation. Kristian manages to topple Andrea into a snow bank. This woman is a trooper! Despite the snowy face plant, Andrea shrugs it off, and they get back to business. Now just try to imagine how princess Rebekah would have reacted under the same circumstances. (I mean, c'mon, this is a woman that spends roughly 30 minutes on applying underarm deodorant alone!) You get the picture. Brent does manage to kiss the top of Sissie's head. This couple seems to have the best prospect for staying together so far. Especially since he managed not to grind her face into the side of an iceberg or something. We flash back to scenes from the lodge the night before. Cecile is apparently still waiting for her kiss from Tim. Tim hints that if Cecile made the first move to kiss him, he would "welcome it." The other girls have pegged Tim as being "profoundly shy" (or as I call it: "socially retarded." Been there, dated that. Won't do it again.) Either that, or the preview scenes (we are assuming) of Tim and Cecile behind a door will have Tim walking out of both the closet and Cecile's arms. My gay-dar hasn't gone off, so I'm guessing that Tim and Cecile are simply mismatched. I guess we'll have to wait until next week to find out.

The couples arrive at the outdoor area where the fresh meat will get trotted out. Our first prospect is Michael, a goofy 32-year-old high school English teacher. He describes himself as a sucker for a smooth pair of legs. Good luck, buddy; right now all the women are wearing 14 pairs of long johns to stay warm. Except for Sissie, she's wearing 20. The next man is Jeff, a CroMagnon man, complete with prognatheous brow ridges. And Jeff thought he could throw me off the caveman scent by shaving off his sideburns. You can't fool me, buddy, your knuckles are still dragging through the snow. Besides that, when has the "missing sideburns" look ever been popular with the ladies? Picture a commercial, two women sitting in a quaint little breakfast nook, sipping their international coffee, and discussing how hot Jeff looks without his sideburns. Nah. It ain't gonna happen. I have the feeling that he only recently ditched the mullet look, too. Jeff is a 37-year-old pilot for a major airline. Jeff states that if he hooks up with the right woman, he has no problem asking her to marry him. He then goes on to say that he's not getting any younger here. You know what, Jeff? Maybe you could sneak across the border into Canada for a little shopping trip. I'm just wondering if Rohypnol is any easier to get from the Canucks, because that's what it would take to get me into an SUV with you. Just a little dating tip for the lovelorn. You can tell how badly Jeff creeped me out by how much of this page is devoted to him. This man gave me the heeby-jeebies.

Patrick is a 29-year-old architect who answered the ad in the back of designer digest. "Desperate? Dateless? Wanna be on TV?..." Patrick believes in love at first sight. Or maybe it's just the blue-blocker Elvis sunglasses he got off the home shopping network. And somebody please tell me what is with his mouth? Are his non-existent lips numbed by the cold? Or did he just peel his tongue off the frozen flag pole (after the other guys double dog dared him to lick it). Jason keeps twitching his mouth, pursing his lips, etc. Maybe it's just years of abusing psych meds. Or maybe he just needs to try one of the newer meds out there on the market.

Jason is a professional snowboarder. No, really. He is! He's also a sandy-haired little hottie. Jason certainly is the most promising bachelor out of this batch. Rebekah has apparently been looking forward to the time when Jason makes it into the rotation, since Jason has been described as a jokester. Jack (Rebekah's man on ice with the pretty mouth, as in "you sure got a pretty mouth, boy!") describes Jason as "the competition." Sure, Jason might be a real circus between the sheets, but I think he would only have hang-time with Rebekah if he came up with an acceptable answer to the question: "What's in YOUR wallet?" Let's just hope he gets that big sponsorship from Mountain Dew. Otherwise, Rebekah will ditch him for a sugar daddy real fast. But she'd be a fool not to pick him over your cheesy love poems, Jack.

This weeks "Cull 'em from the herd" contest involves fish flinging. No, I'm not referring to Rebekah's favored style of flirting, I'm talking about some guy throwing big ole salmon at the heads of the new bachelors. In a nutshell, scary Jeff catches 19, followed by Patrick with 17, and the other two at 15. Which means Trog, er, Jeff, gets to have first pick of the ladies. He strolls along, eyeing them like the prime filets (no, fillies) that they are, and after psyching her out, returns to Cecile and drives her away from the rest of the protective herd. Cecile later states that she is glad to have been picked first. Yeah, glad that Trog just handed you $2000 for the honor, you mean. Now one-upping Rebekah is starting to not look so good to poor little Cecile, eh? The other women are paired off with the other homo sapiens sapiens. Patrick gets second dibs, since he came in second place at the fish fling. He goes for Andrea. Jason has his choice between Rebekah and Karen. Let's see, who will he choose? I wonder... To his credit, Jason blurts out facetiously "both of them.” Then, of course, he picks Rebekah. I guess waving the bloody chicken feathers over the little voodoo doll she made of him back at the cabin helped Jason along in his decision. And we thought she was wasting all that time by just primping! Karen picks up the slack (jawed dolt, that is) and goes fly fishing with Michael, the goofball teacher. He does admit to having a quirky sense of humor. Michael describes Karen as "beautiful and intelligent." In reference to their lack of bites on the line, we hear Michael ask, "Can a fish smell desperation?" No, but women can, and honey, you REEK! Now stay downwind from Karen, in case a polar bear comes along and homes in on the overwhelming stench drifting off you in waves. I actually like Karen, and she doesn't deserve to get mauled. This isn't the National Geographicchannel, after all. But I'm sure Rupert Murdoch would really enjoy the ratings boost during this hiatus time.

"Pretty-mouth" Jack (who is Rebekah's man on ice) hypothesizes that Cecile has the potential to stray away from Tim. Well, if Jack were smart, he'd ditch fickle Rebekah, and plea for Cecile at the end of the show. What does he have to lose? He'd be trading down to a less expensive model, but with a few less miles on her, too. Plus, it would be a real kick in the tires to see that particular transaction. You'll just have to see if Jack can start thinking logically and shake off Rebekah's evil influence. Nah, why make you wait, he's a man! He sticks with Rebekah, of course! What an idiot! Patrick and Andrea head out on their date. He serenades her with a series of burps he playfully labels as a "sound check." Impressive. Too bad he didn't do that for Rebekah or Cecile. The expressions on their faces would have been priceless. Andrea states that Patrick realizes that he can relax with her. Let's hope he doesn't loosen up anymore, or he's bound to start cutting loose with some home-grown methane-based Northern Lights of his own. "Hey baby, watch me light this fart!"

Meanwhile, Trog/Jeff and Cecile go on a lovely date. They kayak, and take in such scenic sites as an eagle and a sea otter. Cecile describes Jeff as, and I quote: "A real nice guy." She also makes a reference to his southern accent and attentiveness. She seems like she's having a nice time, as evidenced by standing close to him, holding hands with him, leaning into him as he puts his arm around her, smiling often, etc. I don't know about the rest of you ladies, but when I'm on a bad blind date (and I've had a few) I tend to get real quiet, and frown a little frown. I don't laugh, I don't hold hands. I don't "sparkle." Cecile was sparkling her little mukluks off. So Trog/Jeff kissed her. Twice. When Trog/Jeff and Cecile are in the SUV, Trog/Jeff does the typical male manuever: he makes like he's giving her a massage, just so he can make physical contact. Does Cecile stiffen up, or pull away. No, she closes her eyes, purrs, states that she is "totally happy" and starts throwing her head around in her best Ginger Lynn impression, if you catch my drift. Then Trog makes his move and kisses her. Twice. He describes the first kiss as a hey, how ya doing kinda kiss, and the second kiss as being consensual. Cecile later describes the kiss to Rebekah as "a huge surprise. Oh, I'm scared." Well, you might just give Meryl Streep a run for the money in the best actress category then. Or maybe the true account is laying in a mound of video tape on the cutting room floor, who knows. When the youngsters gather again at the lodge, Cecile skips up to Tim, and greets him warmly. Tim asks her if the fire was still stoked and the candles were still lit when she returned to the cabin. Presumably, he planned a warm reception for her. And maybe he tried on her underwear for size, too. Only the cameramen know for sure. Apparently Tim stoked Cecile's fires, too, by the way she's all over him like white on rice. She lures Tim outside to play the damsel in distress role to the hilt. She tells him that Trog/Jeff "tried to take my tonsils out! I don't know what sort of message I sent out that was being TOTALLY misread or something. I was being nice and cordial." Now that's the understatement of the year. She goes on to describe how Trog/Jeff tries to "maul" her, and how she was "freaking out" and how "traumatic" it was for her. "It wasn't like we were having a moment or anything. I wasn't feeling it. I don't know where he got that idea." I dunno, maybe it was your impression of Meg Ryan in When Harry met Sally. In his best low-key manner, Tim states that he's ready to go back inside. Well, call it a hunch, but I don't think that's the kind of reaction Drama Queen Cecile was looking for. Tim does later confess to the camera that he was surprised about the whole exchange, and that he'll now look at Trog/Jeff in a different light. That'll teach him, Tim. Put him in his place with your insightful, silent ponderings.

Michael, the dorky teacher, proposes a toast at dinner. "I believe it was Browning who summed it up best: the kiss of a woman and to hell with the rest!" Huzzah! Huzzah! The man's a poet. It's almost as good as Jack's greeting card prose.

Jason jokes about running out of condoms, and that was even before the girls hit the scene. He brags about his dreamy date at the spa with Rebekah, where earlier they were massaged, and poked, and prodded, and Rebekah was fine tuned. Then they hang out and talked about what a "pretty boy" Jason is. Rebekah states that she's dated pretty boys before, and found them to be too shallow for her liking. Now that's the pot calling the kettle black. But Rebekah assures Jason that she's having a good time. Jason is apparently enjoying relating the finer apects of the date to his audience of bachelors. He states that there's "Nothing like a first date where 10 minutes into it she's naked." Cut to Jack theatrically rolling his eyes. Let's face it, Jack you were jealous. You wanted to be the one half-naked with, let me see, who was it, oh yeah! Rebekah! Not Jack, Rebekah! Right. Got it. Jack later privately states to the camera that he thinks Rebekah is undecided. That she would hold off and not jump into anything. Yeah. Uh-huh. Sure. Meanwhile, the camera cuts to Rebekah whispering with Cecile about how Rebekah is "nicely making it obvious" to Jack that she is backing away from him. Rebekah goes on to say that she "would never be mean" about it. Not unless she's dressed in her "Mistress Rebekah" leather attire, first.

Rebekah and Cecile catch Andrea's attention. They ask Andrea to imitate a big scale, and show them who weighs in more in her affections: "Big K (Kristian) or Elvis (Patrick)" Andrea pantomimes the scale going up and down, and then shrugs her shoulders, as if it's all still a mystery to her. Cecile and Rebekah chortle, and Cecile states that she "needs to laugh like this forever!" Yawn. If this is their best attempt at witty banter, then I'm going to bed. Coming, Kristian?

Kristian gives Andrea some space so she can feel free to go get pruned in the Jacuzzi. She's hoping to impress some of the other men into pleaing for her, and adding to her dowry. Kristian is trying to be a big boy about it, but he's obviously more than a little put out by the whole prospect. Kristian confesses that he's "not being true" by stepping back, and that he'd much rather be hanging out with Andrea. Patrick states he wants to get to know Andrea better. Jack decides to impress the crowds by doing push ups by the Jacuzzi. They do not look impressed. Quick, Jackie! Recite some poetry! The camera pans back to Andrea, who has opted out of the Jacuzzi in favor of snogging with Kristian. Good call, Andrea. But first, Andrea and Kristian decide to redefine their boundaries. Kristian throws down the gauntlet, calling Andrea's behavior a "bold experiment." Andrea states emphatically, not once, but twice, that she "actually enjoyed the space" she was in. Then she goes and ruins the effect that her previous "I am captain of my own destiny" statement by saying "but not really." And we women wonder why men don't understand us. Sigh. Could it be our contradictory statements? Kristian admits to Andrea that he does not foresee them forging a long-term relationship, by stating that he's "not going to tell you to move to Alaska." Well, he just gave Andrea permission to kick him to the curb! Meanwhile, Rebekah is in the tub, far outnumbered by men. What a surprise. She kicks back, sucks in her gut, and deigns to allow Michael to give her a foot rub. Of course, intellectual giant Michael assumes that Rebekah wants him. No, Michael, that's just your testosterone talking. Rebekah wants a foot massage and $2000. Sissie states that Rebekah will laugh all the way to the bank (in reference to all the $2000 installments she's getting from idiots like Michael). The group reassembles at Proposal Point for the further official culling of the herd. Andrea tells the camera that if Patrick pleas to her, she will cry, thanks to the "very very difficult decision" she will have to make in a very short amount of time. Oh, for pity's sake! Just take a page from Rebekah's book. Take the dork's money, and stick with the dreamboat! So she does. But first, Patrick pleas to Andrea by imitating a flatulent chainsaw and pretending to saw a log in half. Patrick hands the separate halves to Andrea. It was a good impression, and far superior to Jack's poetry! Patrick thinks Andrea is "a pretty cool girl" especially since she can "handle his nasty jokes." Yeah, I think she deserves $2000 for putting up with you for an afternoon. Jeff pleads to Cecile with a little more bad poetry. Luckily it does not involve her tonsils. Cecile is now up to $9000, thanks to Trog/Jeff's affections. Jason pleas to Rebekah as well, stating that he thinks they "clicked on a few things." Like vanity, shallowness, ignorance, and hormones, to name a few. Jason shows her a split log, with the pun "wood you please choose me"? There's a lot of inspired wood being handled around the ole campfire tonight, kids. Jason just brought Rebekah's total up to $15,000. Michael the dorky teacher does a little jig in order to impress Rebekah, complete with jester's cap. Like that's gonna work. Since when has a high-maintenance princess ever gone for a little white boy shuffle? Yeah, I can see it now. "This is my boyfriend, Michael, I rent him out to children's parties as an entertainer. I can schedule him for Sheldon's Bar Mitzvah if you'd like. Well, no, he doesn't juggle, or sing, or look good, but he does recite bad toasts and do a little soft shoe." That's every woman's dream. Go sit down, Michael, before you embarrass yourself any further. Now Rebekah's dowry is up to $17,000, thanks to you, Michael! Now it's down to the nitty-gritty, and time for the girls to select their stud muffins. Andrea chooses dreamy yet non-commital Kristian over icky Patrick and his wood. Andrea is gracious about it, referring to the "intense emotional connection" she has with Kristian as "something she'd like to pursue." Cecile tells Jeff she had a "really nice time" and flings herself at Tim. Apparently, she's decided to stick to her own genus and species. Score one for Darwin. Rebekah is in one of her favorite situations: shopping! Yeah! She gets to choose between Michael the dorky teacher, Jack of the god-awful prose, and vapid "dude" Jason. She tosses each of them a bone about how she likes this or that contribution (no, not monetary). Then she opts for Jason. Neither Sissie nor Karen receive any pleas. Our (forgettable) host asks them if they'd like to select from the left-over gene pool, or stick with their men on ice. Sissie puts her hand up, palm out in a gesture that screams "AS IF!" Karen simply averts her eyes. The message is clear; they'll stand by their men. Bret and Kurt are back in play.

The producers leave us with a little teaser (no, not Rebekah or Cecile) to tide us over to the next episode. Tim is confessing that he's feeling increased pressure to step up to the plate and become more intimate with Cecile. Then we see her majesty Cecile the Drama Queen in an uproar. It was bound to happen. This time she's telling the other girls that she's "f*cking livid" about something that's just transpired. She also exclaims, "He can leave NOW!" Then there's a shot of a closed door with what we assume is Cecile's and Tim's muffled voices seeping out from behind it. Cecile yells that she "never would have done that to him, how could he do that to her?" Ah, drama, the life's blood of Fox. Then we cut to Kristian, saying that in his gut, he doesn't see himself with Andrea. Of course, that doesn't stop Kristian from stripping down with Andrea between the sheets, as is coyly revealed in the previews. Then we see Rebekah looking shocked, simply shocked, at something that has transpired. Rebekah admits that her heart dropped, and that she was ready to cry. If you start feeling real emotions, Rebekah, especially empathy, who knows? Your heart may just grow from two sizes too small, to one size too big. Then you could lift up your dogsled with both hands, and you and Max could slide back down the mountain to Who-ville, and... oh wait, I'm getting my fairy tales all mixed up. Goodnight, children, sweet dreams!

Suzanne Tromblay is a licensed social worker with the State of Ohio.

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