Bachelorettes in Alaska, Episode 3: Oh, the Drama!

Oh, gentle readers, I can only hope that you are gleaning a bit of entertainment value from these humble articles of mine. I certainly am not enjoying taking nine pages of handwritten notes on this melodramatic tripe. But I must admit, all this angst is sure fun to watch. Like I always say, if you can't say anything nice, come sit by me! This particular episode was chock full of drama, so, for all you Jerry Springer fans: sit back and relax, because there's no Steve to come to the rescue (and spoil all the fun) when things get ugly up here in the Great White North.

The opening scene is of the other couples, hanging out in the ole lodge, and gossiping, of course. The subjects of their conversation are Andrea and Kristian, and how mismatched they are, etc. Apparently, Rebekah wishes that Andrea had chosen to keep Patrick around. She states that Patrick was a lot more amusing. Besides that, Kristian seems to be immune to Rebekah's charms, therefore, she doesn't like him! ("Meow! Hiss!") Andrea and Kristian wisely play it close to the vest, and refuse to be baited into making any revealing statements. Kristian confesses to the camera that, in his gut, he doesn't see himself with Andrea in the long-term picture. Which would explain the shot we see right after that, courtesy of the night vision cam. It's Andrea and Kristian, who both know their "relationship" is going nowhere. They're buck nekkid, in bed, embracing. Someday, they'll live to regret their impulsive, hormonally driven behavior, and I'm sure we'll be there to watch. The camera cuts to the spa area of the lodge, where our couples are seen cavorting in various states of sweaty undress. We see Karen and Kurt in the pool, "treading water." In separate soliloquies to the camera, Kurt states that he thinks he's been very revealing to Andrea about his past romantic liaisons. Andrea privately admits that he's told her zilch. Innocent little Tim, Cecile's man on ice with the burr haircut and the big schnozz (hopefully, all the rumors are true) actually has something pithy to share. Tim describes Karen and Kurt as two "zombies going through the motions of life." OUCH! That was worthy of ME! Then Jason privately admits that he thinks Rebekah is "honest and genuine." Sure she is. She learned those values on Sunnybrook farm, where she grew up petting wild woodland creatures, and having the birds land on her outstretched fingers while she warbled pretty little tunes to them... and then she ate them, Jason! She bit their little heads off just like Uncle Ozzie taught her and she ATE THEM! Get real! She feeds on innocents like you, and once she sucks your very soul dry, you'll be discarded on the heap of other idiots at the bottom of the crevasse. She's the timeless Cleopatra-vampire from the Twilight Zone episode. OK, I'll stop now. But it's so much fun to hate Rebekah, and so easy to do!

Then we see each of the couples assembled in the women's cabins for romantic dinners. Everyone looks nice, and they seem to be making some progress and increasing their level of intimacy with one another. But wait, where are Rebekah and Jason? We see hunky little snowboarder Jason, trudging through the snow towards Rebekah's cabin, smoking a cigarette. She greets him at the door wearing a red silk napkin held in place by two matching shoestrings. She strikes a pose at the door, trying on her best posturing for size. I can't help but be reminded of a marionette, jerking around on it's strings, with bony elbows and knees going every direction. It's even funnier going fast forward... I really recommend that y’all start taping this and try it. It's funnier than "Cops in Vegas" or any other standard Fox fare. I think I'll go back and count how many bones are revealed by Rebekah's hanky top. So far, I can count all her ribs and vertebrae, except for the ones hidden by her hair. Cecile and Tim join them in Rebekah's cabin. Rebekah confronts Tim in her oh so subtle fashion, and tries to elicit a reaction from him. Tim, of course, feels put on the spot. OK, girls, let's badger a man into making a move. That's a good way to build the sound foundation for a long-term relationship! Rebekah begins the full frontal assault (the second of the evening, right after her attire). "So, do you like her or not? Do you want to kiss her, or what?" Tim doesn't know what the hell he wants. That's the one thing he has in common with Kristian, as we'll see later.

The camera cuts to Sissie's cabin, and we see Sissie and Brent snuggling on the couch. They look very comfortable with one another. So far, this is the most genuinely promising couple out of the batch. Brent confesses that his popsicle has been in the freezer for two and a half years. In an "aw shucks" kind of self deprecation, he refers to the forced cold storage of Little Brent as being "sad." Sissie protests that it's "sweet." I'm not even going there, you kids feel free to have a field day drawing that picture, I just provide the supplies! Brent and Sissie have a sleepover, with Big Brent and Little Brent sleeping on top of the covers.

Now it's time to check out Cecile's cabin. She joins Tim in the bed, and FINALLY, we see them kissing. Not all out impassioned lovers kisses, but sweet little pecks. Cecile takes this as irrevocable proof that Tim wants her, and she dives under the covers. Still have those art supplies out and ready? When next we see them, Tim's head is tucked under Cecile's chin, and she is stroking his head in an almost maternal fashion. Obviously, Cecile is comforting Tim after his first orgasm ever. He still feels funny "down there." There, there, Tim, Cecile will make you feel all better.

Now it's time to assemble in the snow, trot out the fresh meat, and make them compete in another ridiculous contest. Our forgettable host asks the ladies if they're ready to meet the new bachelors. Rebekah, with frozen drool all over the front of her parka, purrs "YEAH"! Easy girl, just go up and pee on them, isn't that how wolves mark their territory? Wait a minute, you're right. I'm being terribly unfair… to the wolves, that is.

Our first bachelor is a goofy looking bastard, complete with a royal blue hat he ordered from the Elmer Fudd catalog. It's Terry, a 33-year-old fishing boat captain.

Our next bachelor is Doug, an Alaska State Trooper. Doug is 25, going on 40, and looks a bit like Fred Flintstone to me. Karen thinks he looks like Robert Downey Jr. Doug's hobbies include hunting and hockey (who would have thought...) and Doug states that commitment sounds good to him right now. Maybe he'll go for Andrea, the redhead, who bears the closest physical resemblance to Wilma.

Then we have Tim, who I will refer to as Tim II, just to make things a little less confusing. Tim II is a 30-year-old gold miner with bad teeth. Throughout the episode he alternates between glasses, strange hats, and leaving his mousy brown shoulder length locks to blow romantically in the subzero wind. At times he's handsome, at times he's odd looking. All in all, he'd look more at home in a beatnik coffee house, snapping his fingers, than in the Alaskan wilderness. In the winter, Tim II is an Alaska state senate staff. Which means he fetches coffee for other people.

Next we have Bob, who describes himself as "44 years young." Which means he's not aging gracefully, and he knows it. Bob looks like a shaved yeti... he's all fangs and body hair. Bob the Sasquatch looks like his mullet might scrape the ceiling, and he keeps his hands in his pockets so his knuckles don't drag. Maybe he's related to Jeff/Trog, Cecile's date from the last episode. Unbelievably, Bob is twice divorced! The part I can't believe is that Bob ever talked two women into marrying him in the first place. Bob the Sasquatch is a building materials salesman. His employers love Bob, since he saves them the expense of having to buy a forklift. I can easily picture Bob, striding across a jobsite, with huge bundles of 4 X 4's under his arms, whistling a happy little Disney tune. ("Whistle while you work... toot-toot-toot-toot-toot-toot-toot...")

It's skeet shootin' time, ya'll! Yee-haw! I won't bore you with the mind-numbing details, except to say that Doug, the state trooper, was not the best shot of the group like I had originally expected. Surprisingly enough, it was Terry who nailed 5 clay pigeons, then came Bob the Sasquatch with 4, Tim II with 3, and Doug with a disappointing 1 hit. I'm sure he'll be hearing about that lousy record at work for the rest of his days. Since Terry was the best shot, he gets to pick first, and he chooses Cecile for her nice smile. Cecile tells the camera that Terry was her first choice. The other girls flock to the remaining bachelors. Doug and Karen are a couple, Andrea chooses Tim II, and Rebekah and Sissie both choose Bob. Sissie actually hung back and waited to see who Rebekah would choose, and then she went for that guy. This strategy has worked for her in the past, since the guys inevitably choose Rebekah and she gets to reserve her favors for Brent exclusively. This time it backfires, and Bob the Sasquatch chooses the prey with a little more meat on her bones, rather than the anorexic offering. Suddenly, the cheese stands alone! Rebekah realizes that she has been rejected by all four men! The women in my family screamed in triumphant laughter. Rebekah screams "Denied!" We then see Rebekah mincing home alone in the snow, as Tim I describes how comical it is to see Rebekah taken down a peg. Tim I was "eatin' it up" because "she flaunts it and teases everybody and it's fun to see her out of the picture." Cecile describes how it must be an "ego-blow" for Rebekah (interesting choice of words, Cecile) now that Rebekah is no longer the center of attraction. Cecile stops off at Rebekah's cabin to say goodbye. They blow each other kisses and say "love you!" once again leaving thousands of American men yearning for the spontaneous lesbian clinch that they so desperately long for. Once again, they wrestle with their own disappointment, in a manner of spanking, er, speaking. The producers are letting everyone weigh in on Rebekah's moment of comeuppance. Sissie ponders that a good dose of reality never hurt anyone. Then we see Rebekah on her back, ankles behind her ears in a position that apparently comes easy to her. Suddenly, her popularity makes more sense to me. Rebekah is supposedly practicing her yoga moves. You can almost hear her thinking: "I am SUCH a PIECE! How DARE they? What, are they BLIND?" etc. Rebekah protests to the camera that she is "So okay with it." She goes on to say that "I've definitely had my day of glory; I don't feel denied at all." Funny, but that's exactly what she blurted out when she wasn't picked. Denied/denial/denied/denial. Paging Dr. Freud!

Next we see Andrea and Tim II riding through the wilderness on horseback, along with a guide and a happy dog. They take in the view, which includes the prerequisite bald eagle. Andrea rhapsodizes about their common background of riding horses. She also has nice things to say about Tim II's brain, which is nearly visible, pulsing beneath the brim of his cowboy hat. You can even hear it let out a low thrumming sound from the carbines, hard at work within his pate. Tim has nice things to say about Andrea's eyes. They seem to be enjoying one another's company.

Brent admits that he is nervous about Bob the Sasquatch picking Sissie. So nervous, in fact, that Brent mentions it not once, but twice. Relax, dear, she's smitten with you. Bob the Sasquatch declares his admiration for Sissie, stating that she is gorgeous. He apparently likes the whole package "hair, eyes, and teeth" are "beautiful!" Aaawwwoooogah! She may be the first woman he's dated that had all of them (hair, eyes, and teeth). Bob the Sasquatch states that Sissie is "his type" of woman (showing signs of life?). They hike into the woods, and Bob the Sasquatch scopes out potential sites to scatter her remains.

Karen and Doug go snowshoeing. Karen describes it as the best date so far in terms of the activity and the potential for getting to know one another. Then Karen blows any chance she has of impressing the rugged trooper, by imitating a high maintenance princess. At first she jokes about being afraid of breaking a nail, so Doug valiantly assists her off with her snowshoes. Meanwhile, you hear Doug making an observation to the camera that not many women are cut out for life in Alaska. Doug spreads out a caribou hide on the snow for her to sit on. Karen confirms his worst fears by carrying the joke just a bit too far, to the point of making my fillings hurt. Karen inquires about the type of fur she's sitting on. Doug informs her that it's reindeer. Karen then asks in a cutsie-poo voice "What happened?" as in, "how did Bambi die." Bambi lived in a world of happy little trees with his happy little friends, until he died in his sleep of old age, Karen. Doug isn't gonna go for the sheltered princess type, and perhaps Karen senses this, and is trying to discourage him. Or she just feels like she doesn't need his kind regards or his $2000. Or she's dumber than she looks, which I doubt. But then again, she's stuck with Kurt (and his Elfin magic eyes) all this time, so you can never tell. Karen later tells the camera that she is comfy with the conversation. Doug privately observes that it was evident that Karen was "A few years older than me." That glaring sunlight bouncing off the snow can be hell, girls. It'll reveal all your wrinkles every time. Stick with the candlelight in the lodge.

Cecile and Terry explore a Russian fishing village and make moose rutting noises at one another. They seem to be enjoying one another's company, in a silly sort of way. They push each other and carry on like two eighth graders.

The camera cuts back to the rest of the gang gathered together at the lodge later that same evening. Tim I solemnly tells the camera that he is not attracted to Cecile on a romantic level; that he perceives her as a friend versus a companion. You should have thought of that before you let her play your meat flute, Timmy. Now she's going to assume you guys are going somewhere. Women think like that. However, he's a man, and he's not about to turn down a free tongue bath. He does have the insight to admit that he may have "dug himself a deeper hole." Enter Cecile, wearing a fake fur vest over a lacy camisole, reminiscent of Raquel Welch in 1000 BC. The rest of the group catcalls and applauds her attire. She sidles up to Tim I and flings herself at him, begging for attention. Apparently, everyone at the gathering knows that Cecile's obvious feelings for Tim are not reciprocated. Everyone but Cecile, that is. During the get together, it slowly dawns on Bob the Sasquatch that he has competition for Sissie's affections. Doug also perceives the obvious mutual attraction going on with the already established couples. He's one of the outsiders looking in, and he knows it. This point is blatantly reinforced by all the established couples pairing off at one end of the table, while all the new kids on the block are stuck down at the other end. We get yet another whiff of foreshadowing, as Cecile admits that there is a "weird vibe" going down.

The producers decide to throw a time bomb into the mix, in an unabashed bid to make Tim I come clean to Cecile. And what better setting than a gathering of intimates and strangers on television? The question is: "When was the last time you lied to a member of the opposite sex?" Of course, the group tosses the hot potato to Tim I. Tim hems and haws, and the rest of the group looks genuinely uncomfortable (what did they expect?). Cecile can't even bring herself to make eye contact with Tim, so she's finally gotten a clue. Tim then tells Cecile (in front of God, the group, and a million TV viewers) that he "definitely lied to you, Cecile, without any unequivocal question." He then goes on to twist the knife a little, in the dreaded "Dear Jane" approach: "I feel like a brother to you, you're a wonderful person," and goes on to say that he "didn't want to hurt her feelings." That's why he decided to rip her heart out in a public forum, after sharing intimacies the night before. Wrong move, Timmy. Karen tells the camera that Cecile just had Karen's worst fear realized: public rejection.

Doug tells the camera that he was looking at the other newbies, as if to say "what are we doing here?" and that the drama made him want to duck and run for cover, essentially. Rebekah states that Tim I was "lying to himself" and that she took issue with him doing it there. I don't actually think Tim was lying to himself, I believe that he fears confrontation and was simply going along for the ride. And then he painted himself into this corner. Cecile escapes to the testosterone free safety zone of the women's room with her posse. That's when the venting and dramatic posturing begin. Tim I escapes with Kristian to the relative safety of the deck outside. Tim I nervously indulges in a cigarette. Cut back to Cecile going off in the bathroom. Every third word is a bleeped out expletive. She's foaming at the mouth at this point.

Tim I decides to escort her home (he gets points for bravery here). She stalks home in the snow, leaving an apprehensive Tim I in her wake. When they enter her cabin, he asks her to talk with him in the room where she would feel the most comfortable. Cecile chooses the bathroom, presumably for the mirror and the A-1 accoustics. Then she proceeds to let him have it. Tim later states that he "basically got his head handed to him." Which one, Slick? By the sounds of it, I think it was the head below his waist that she handed back to him, after she bit it off and gnawed on it for a while. Not to say that he didn't have it coming, mind you. Through the closed bathroom door, we, the audience, hear the favored catch-phrases of the shattered female ego. She hits him with 6 out of the dreaded top 10: "How could you do this to me?" "How am I supposed to feel?" "I would never do that to you," "you slept in my bed, (insert male perpetrator's name here)," "It's not fair," "That hurt!" etc. Repeat ad infinitum.

We cut to the victims marching en masse off to the sacrifice. Tim I states that if Cecile wanted to be vengeful, she would keep him in play. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned – trite, but true.

Bob the Saquatch pleas to Karen, not to Sissie, his first pick. Evidently, Bob didn't want to waste his $2000. He actually thinks he stands a chance against Kurt. Only if you shaved your butt, Bob, and then again, probably not. Bob has brought along a little moose doll that he has named Marty (how droll) and Marty apparently is a female impersonator, judging by the voice. The whole ventriloquist bit makes my ass clench.

Tim II pleads to Cecile, not Andrea. He strips off his jacket to reveal a poet shirt he ordered from the international male catalog. Then he woos her with a Shakespearean love sonnet. Now my ass really hurts.

Terry is back in his blue Elmer Fudd hat, with the ear flaps going in every direction. Terry opts to plea to Sissie, instead of Cecile. He decides to let his inner man speak for him. His inner man is Cletus (the slack jawed yokel from The Simpsons, apparently) and Terry even pops in a set of false teeth that rival any others I've seen of the Fox network to date. Apparently, Cletus has been taking lessons from Miles Standish. Cletus asks Sissie to reject him in favor of Brent, and essentially gives her two grand with his blessing. Now I'm liking this guy.

The forgettable host asks Doug who he would like to plea to. Doug matter-of-factly states that he doesn't want to plea to anyone. At this point, I rewound the tape a few times (okay, maybe 6 or 7) to catch Rebekah's reaction and to lip read her saying "OUCH" over and over again. Rebekah is in a state of disbelief that, yet again, no one picked her! Doug states that he was just being honest and that "none of these people did it" for him. Exit, stage right.

Karen now is given the choice between Bob the shaved yeti and Kurt. Karen tells Bob that he has "kind eyes," and then kicks him to the curb.

Sissie is given the choice between Brent and Terry. She states that, as a fisherman, Terry must know that she is "hook, line, and sinker" for Brent. Yeah, he knows that, he just wanted to make sure a deserving couple got his moolah. Terry then wins extra points in my book by hugging Brent, then gives Sissie an innocent peck on the check. He's a nice guy. All the women in the room let out a collective "AWWWWW!" at that point.

Now it's Cecile's turn to choose between Tim I and Tim II. She takes the opportunity to get in one more little dig at Tim's expense, but she's shooting blanks. Cecile states that Tim I let her know that he "no longer wanted to be there." Cecile cuts her losses, and chooses Tim II, or, the "new Tim." Tim I says that he had a good time with Cecile (that's putting it mildly) and is sorry about the way it worked out. Also to his credit, Tim made more eye contact with Cecile than at any other point in the show.

No one has exercised the Karen or Rebekah option, so they choose their men on ice, versus the rejects back in the holding tank.

Next week's preview offers up a tasty morsel of potential drama. Tim II proclaims that he feels like he is digging a hole for himself, and is being played (what, by Cecile?). Karen states that she can't get intimate with someone who is not into her. The circling sharks smell blood in the water and move in for the kill. The "new guys" are plotting to "make a run for Kristian's girl." Look out, Kristian and Andrea, it's time to fish or cut bait!

Suzanne Tromblay is a licensed social worker with the State of Ohio.

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