Bachelorettes in Alaska, Episode 4: Ice Queens and Snow Men

Our episode begins with a shot of the women folk and their men gathered back at the lodge hanging out at the bar. Cecile gives a dissertation on the merits of the new and improved Tim versus the old, used-up Tim. Tim is trying his darndest to flirt with Cecile. She is not impressed. Hoping to cash in on Cecile's love for sports, Tim mentions his past on a football team (does "waterboy" count?) and as a wrestler. She says she can see him as a wrestler. Yikes! I can't picture him wearing one of those skintight wrestling outfits, and I really don't want to. Besides that, Tim is wearing his poet's shirt again, and the wimpy little blue tinted glasses. He's about the furthest image from a football player that I can conjure. He looks like the kind of guy who got stuffed into lockers on a regular basis. I bet his ass-cheeks still smart from all the towel snapping they were subjected to after gym class. Tim challenges Cecile to a coed wrestling match. Cecile declines ("as if"!) The only wrestling Cecile has on her agenda involves Rebekah, bikini bottoms, and lots of hot oil, jello, or pudding. Poor, Tim, he's trying so hard. Cecile is merely becoming annoyed. Cecile throws Tim a bone, and takes his arm on the way back to her cabin. Tim tells the camera that Cecile is "detoxing" and he doesn't want to push her too hard.

Now it's time for a group date with the men on ice, and it's snow-machining, yeah! Everyone looks like they're having a wonderful time. Brent helps Sissie on with her helmet, and wipes snowflakes off her eyebrows with a tender caress. How could anyone not like this pair? The other couples comment on how cute these two are together. They are obviously head over heels for one another! Sissie admits that she is falling for Brent, but wants Brent to be the one to say it first. Brent admits that he "adores" Sissie, and that things are moving in the right direction. Sissie confesses that she's gone so far as to search the paper for jobs. From the huge roster of interior designers the producers came up with in the bachelor's pool, I'm afraid you might have to search outside your chosen field, Sis. Brent thinks they should talk about their future soon. Cut to a shot of them smooching. Once again, all my female cronies gather around and let out a collective "AWWW!" Karen bitches about her helmet hair. OK, it does look pathetic, but once again, you're being too prissy. Guys don't like that, Karen, especially rough and tumble wilderness types (like Doug). Maybe Karen should go out with Tim the bard... Now we see Jason taking the princess down a notch or two, by shoving her face in the snow, or snow in her face, at every opportunity. Rebekah starts their little tussles, in a ploy to look cute (with the added bonus of having Jason lie on top of her, albeit in a snowbank. Whatever it takes, eh Rebekah?) The best part is when we see Jason wiping snow from Rebekah's face, as she bites back little whimpers and sobs. She can dish it out, but she can't take it. And after spending two hours on her makeup, too. What a pity. Rebekah goes on and on about how, like her, Jason has a serious side and a goofball side (who is she trying to convince of their compatibility? Us or herself?) She says (in her most pretentious and fake tone yet) that if you make her laugh, then "you've got me." Is that before or after dropping $2000 on you? And I guess it doesn't hurt if you look like you belong on Dawson's Creek. Rebekah may leave the show with a huge chunk of change, but we're all betting that Sissie leaves the show with a chunk of ice on her finger. (Compare that to the chunk of ice that just slithered down the back of Rebekah's parka.)

Cecile greets Tim with a hug. She's wearing an orange suede halter top. (Which causes me to wonder, do all women in Alaska share this proclivity for skimpy attire? How hot is that damn lodge, anyway?) Tim is wearing a god-awful brown patchwork type shirt that looks like he found it in the bottom of his stoner uncle's closet from 1972. Who dresses these people? Tim throws some compliments Cecile's way. He obviously is sincere, and he goes on to state that he was first attracted to her voice, and if she whispered in his ear, it would be a lullaby to him. Okay, that was sweet and somewhat poetic. Corny, but poetic. Then Tim makes the big mistake of asking Cecile about her fiasco with Tim I. Initially, Cecile coyly demurs, and states that she really doesn't want to talk about it. Yeah, right, who's she kidding? Tim II is just trying to draw her out and earn some points. Instead, he gets an earful of secondhand drama. Cecile just blathers on and on for HOURS, while you get a glimpse of the other couples finishing their meals and drifting off to their cabins. Still Cecile ignores Tim's physical cues which show his discomfort and disinterest in the conversation. Tim is scratching his neck, repeatedly looking around, playing with his napkin, while Cecile drones on and on and on... Tim tries to sidetrack her from the topic ("can we turn the page now?"), or help her wind it up several times, but Cecile is the Energizer bunny of self-absorption. She just keeps going, and going, and going. He offers her more wine, probably in the hopes of getting her drunk enough that she'll pass out and SHUT UP! Tim finally gets the chance to drop her off at her cabin.

Cut to shots of the other couples, happily snuggling on the couches in the women's assorted cabins. Then we see an awkward moment between Tim and Cecile. She gives him a polite hug, with about three feet of distance in between their torsos. To anyone with a clue, that should let Tim know that she's not physically attracted to him. Tim just pulls her closer. Then she kicks him out. I was surprised that Tim wasn't trying to claw his way out. He earned extra points at dinner for not excusing himself to go to the men’s room and sneaking out the window.

Cut back to the night vision camera, as a boxer-clad Kristian slips into Andrea's bed. We get a lovely shot of Kristian's rippling washboard abs, as he slips under the covers. OK, he better be a real circus between the sheets, considering what little else he's offering to their so-called relationship. The camera cuts back to Cecile's cabin. She's alone in bed, and restlessly flopping all over the place.

Now it's 10 a.m., at the woodchopping competition. It looks like Rebekah got her hair done in time to assemble with the rest of the herd. Steve, the forgettable host, introduces us to the newest set of bachelors:

There's Keith, a 38 year-old, 6' 4" balding boat captain with blue eyes. He's got a "Joe average" kind of appeal to him; he looks like the kind of guy who coaches little league, or the next door neighbor who's happy to give you advice on outdoor grilling and lend a hand to fix the porch swing. Keith believes in soulmates and connecting deeply with a woman. His hobbies are scuba diving, flying, and apparently falling for the wrong girl. He's checking out Rebekah. Rebekah is simpering and making goo-goo eyes right back at him. I find myself wondering if it's cold enough to freeze vomit right away, or if it takes a few minutes.

Our next bachelor is Will. He's a teacher, 29 years old, 6' tall, with disconcerting blue eyes so pale he almost looks like Little Orphan Annie. He's into football and reading. Cecile can hardly stand still, she's literally fidgeting with anticipation. Cecile describes herself as "excited" and "pleasantly surprised" when she sets her purty lil’ eyes on him.

Mike is our next entree'. He's a diminutive, blonde forest ranger. We had our Fred Flintstone (Doug) last week, I think we just found our Barney Rubble. Mike is 38 years old, (but looks 48) and 5' 9" (wearing his lifts and 2" heels). That's okay, Mike, I like short guys... they try harder. (*wink*wink*)! Mike enjoys kayaking, mountaineering, and outdoorsy type women. Which means he should go for Rebekah, or maybe Cecile, if you believe in either Murphy's Law or men's logic. I believe in both, because the Tooth Fairy told me so.

Brad comes next. He's a 43-year-old tennis pro. That's right. A tennis pro. In Alaska. It must be men's logic again, I dunno. Brad has jet black hair, a nice cookie-duster mustache, and lots of pearly white teeth. He's also the spitting image of my brother Jeff (who is also single, ladies, and quite the catch. Jeff's number is... just kidding, Jeff! E-mail me later, ladies, and I'll tell you all about my hunky brother!) Brad is 5' 10" and enjoys playing the banjo and motorcycling. Does anyone else get the impression that Mike isn't from Alaska originally? I wonder what would happen if he headed into the nearest bar filled with roughnecks and offered to play the banjo for them. I'm betting he would have a very hich punchability factor. He's looking for a woman who has a good sense of humor, and is, of course, very hot. Ooh, Sleezy the Clown just arrived.

The contest to win the hands of the ladies fair is a wood splitting competition. Will breaks his ax handle early on. I hope this isn't foreshadowing! Keith wins the log splitting game, and in a show of good sportsmanship, he massages Will's shoulder and shakes Steve the forgettable host's hand. Keith strolls over to the women to check out the goods. Andrea addresses the camera, privately confessing that she liked Keith's smile, and hoped he would pick her first. Aww, c'mon, we all know what's going to happen, Keith follows his divining rod and goes for Rebekah. Rebekah simpers some more, no doubt adding up her dowry in her head (it's $19,000 now, can nobody stop her?). Jason is laughing about the circumstances, and states that he thought Keith looked like a Sissie kinda guy. Then he tried to rephrase that statement. I liked it better before the editing, Jason. Andrea looks genuinely crestfallen about Keith's lamentable choice. Then we see her addressing the camera, saying how she's not surprised he picked Rebekah (last week was a fluke), and how Rebekah is a beautiful girl, etc. Andrea is trying to be gracious about it, because she's a grown-up. The remaining girls swarm over the available men, and it goes down like this: Karen chooses Brad, and they stroll over to the other team arm in arm (Red Rover, Red Rover, we call Banjo over). Nobody picks little Mike. Cecile and Andrea head for Will, so of course Sissie follows suit. Her patented "negative body language/no eye contact" mojo is working like a charm, and Will goes for Cecile. Cecile gives a happy little squeal "Yeah!" Poor Tim. He doesn't stand a chance! Since Tim already told the camera that Will and he had compared notes on Cecile back on the glacier at the start of this fiasco, Will's choice comes as no surprise. Andrea pairs up with Barney Rubble, and Kristian makes a face like he's just seen Bob the Sasquatch shaving his backhair. Kristian is JEALOUS! Sissie tries to look suitably dour when she's the odd woman out. It's no use, she can't look serious, and she practically skips back to the lodge. Sissie doesn't want anyone but Brent, and she tells the whole world this. Steve the forgettable host drones on and on about how the men on ice have to sit and wonder if they've lost their women forever. Yadda yadda yadda. Shut up, Steve. Man, this guy is about as exciting as a bowl of congealed oatmeal.

Cut to the individual dates: Rebekah and Keith are spotted in the backseat of a four-wheel-drive vehicle. Keith asks Rebekah if she has ever seen Belugah. Rebekah replies "Caviar?" Keith replies, "No, whales." That was your first clue that Rebekah is really an ice princess in disguise, for all her simpering, Keith. Instead of choosing to snuggle up against her potential swain, Rebekah promptly curls up in the farthest corner of the seat away from Keith, with bags and bottles and junk in between them. Rebekah opts to take a nap with her back to Keith. It doesn't take a degree in Psychology to read the "DO NOT DISTURB" sign she's just erected. Chivalrous Keith hands her something to use as a blanket, and looks around at the scenery with a bland expression on his puss. He's having a rip-roaring time, you can tell. See, guys, this is what you get when you insist on choosing style over substance. When they get to their destination, Princess Rebekah deigns to wake up and grace the world with her presence. Keith and Rebekah get to go ski jouring, which means they strap on some cross country skis, and let a couple of hyper dogs pull them across rugged terrain. I do that all the time with my dogs, only without the skis. They entertain a particular fondness for dragging me through raspberry brambles and deer turds. I'm hoping one of these dogs gets a similar inclination with Rebekah. Rebekah takes a header six or seven times into the snow. The crowd of women in my tribe crow with delight at each and every face-plant Rebekah endures. She hasn't been on her back that often since Aerosmith was in town. I'll give her credit, Rebekah has her game face on, and there's no boo-hooing this time. At least the dogs look like they're having a great time. On the ride back, once again, Rebekah curls up in a distant little corner like a hedgehog. There's still an outer defense wall of bottles and bags between them. Poor Keith sits there, chewing gum, looking bored. Serves you right, big guy.

Karen and Brad go on a photo safari. Apparently, a black fox has become enamored of Brad's black hair (like Pepe' Le Pew, mistaking it for a female) and climbed aboard to hump Brad's skull. Brad thinks he looks cool. Karen laughs in his face. Then she laughs to the camera. Then she laughs some more. Somehow, I don't think Karen was impressed. Brad is oblivious. He still thinks he looks good. Obviously, Brad isn't the sharpest ax in the shed. They take pictures of the gorgeous scenery, including a coyote, three moose, several mountains, a lake, the obligatory bald eagle, etc. I hear bald eagles there are like English Sparrows around here. You can't throw a stick without hitting one. God bless America, it's nice to see the return of out national symbol back from the endangered species list. Then Brad turns his camera lens to Karen. She grins at him, and her eyes disappear into a mass of wrinkles. I haven't seen that many wrinkles since I caught a glimpse behind Burt Reynold's ears. (Nice face lift, Burt. You look like you've been molded out of plastic. Now let's see you try to blink.) Anyway, the harsh arctic light glaring off the snow is not kind to our little Karen. The firelight in the lodge is much more kind. Then it's Karen's turn behind the lens. She jokingly asks Brad to keep backing up, until his heels are dangling over the edge of a cliff.

Andrea and Barney Rubble/Mike get to hang out at the day spa. They get facials (there's not enough cucumbers in the world to remove your wrinkles, Mike. Just promise me you won't consult Burt's plastic surgeon...), massages, and steam-cleaned in the sauna. Andrea can't seem to get over the fact that Mike has never been to a spa. I'm guessing most straight men haven't, Andrea. Then Andrea erupts from the sauna (as red as, well, a lobster) and dives into the nearby river. Mike follows suit. He has so much long, dangling chest hair, that I'm betting we could braid it and put little beads on the end of it, like Bo Derek. He does have a rather nice body, under all that hair. He's ruggedly handsome, if you like the econo-sized package. At least Mike gets to see that Andrea isn't a princess, she's a good sport. She even thoughtfully hands him a towel when he emerges from the Kenai river.

Then we observe the men on ice, out of play. Tim II is throwing a nerf football dart to Brent. Tim is stating that he doesn't think Cecile will fall for Will's charms, since she is still "detoxing" after the whole Tim I fiasco. Keep talking, Timmy, maybe you'll convince yourself.

We then see Cecile and Will going for a ride in a shiny little surrey with the fringe on the top. (Everybody sing!) I'm surprised the surrey has wheels instead of sleigh runners. I hope their poor horse doesn't have an aneurysm, trying to haul that load through the snow. Cecile and Will have a good time, discussing sports, and flirting. There is chemistry rolling off them in waves during their romantic ride. So much for Tim's theory. Cecile has her hands in a muff, if Will's lucky, later on, so will he.

Then we cut to Cecile's cabin. Tim repeatedly attempts to draw her out of the bathroom (and away from the mirror). Cecile is not biting, and emphatically dismisses Tim. Tim heads off to the lodge without her. Tim and Will sit at the bar and once again compare notes. Tim tries to elicit some information from Will, and blatantly asks Will if Tim is "out or in." Will tries several times to prevaricate, and then gives up, stating, "May the best man win," and pointing to his own chest, laughing. The truth of the situation may be dawning on fair Timothy. Tim is looking particularly asexual in a black and white Hawaiian print shirt and his little blue "Banana Splitz" glasses. Will looks hot. Andrea is wearing yet another hideous outfit. It's a brown polyester print that looks like a shag rug pattern ripped off the dashboard of an old VW van.

Then we see Rebekah sitting with Cecile's arms twined around her from the back, and Cecile's head on Rebekah's shoulder. That long awaited lesbian clinch can't be too far off now, boys! Cecile privately tells the camera that Tim is digging himself deeper and deeper into a hole every time he opens his mouth. He makes a cavalier statement about how he'd like to drink champagne from her shoe. A century ago, this was considered to be a major token of appreciation. Cecile is a valley girl; she has absolutely no clue. (It was open-toed!) She sits looking at Tim, slack-jawed, as if he just offered to eat a cat turd to impress her. It didn't work, Tim. Try another tack.

Then the group heads en masse to the chow line, and Will and Tim find themselves at the end of the line. Cecile makes room for Will at her table. There's nowhere else for Timmy to go but with Karen, Brad, and Kurt. Cecile couldn't care less, she has Will now. Tim rambles on to his dinner companions about how he knew Cecile was the girl for him out on the glacier (at the beginning of the show). He does have the insight to wonder if Cecile may be "Leaning Will-ward." Cecile rhapsodizes about how she's finally found someone as into sports as she is. Tim catches Cecile's eye from across the lodge. He makes more out of their shared glance than there really is. Cecile barely cracks a smile and immediately looks away. She's too busy flirting with Will in a big way. (One of my favorite Inuit names... Innabigway). Tim continues to moon about Cecile, and thereby make a total ass of himself. Tim's fighting feelings of "being played." No Tim, that implies enough interest on Cecile's part to at least manipulate you. Cecile couldn't care less what you think, do, or say at this point. You are a non-entity in her plastic little world. Tim dreams on, hoping to either charm Cecile or set Will up to say something assinine. I know, Tim, you could loan Will your clothes and your little blue glasses. That will put out Cecile's fire.

Speaking of fires, our gang gathers around the fire in the lodge, toasting marshmallows and making s’mores. Sissie is looking cute, with her curls piled up on top of her head, wearing black velvet and a choker. She's feeding tidbits to Brent. I love this couple! Brad realizes that Karen and Kurt are tight, and thinks he should make a play for either Rebekah or Andrea. Sigh. I wonder which one he'll go for... hmmm. Karen laments how all the guys she's gone out with end up pleading for Rebekah. Rebekah is looking particularly fetching, sporting a new wonder bra and royal blue painted-on top. She and Karen share a distinctly insincere hug at the bar. Rebekah compares their flirting styles. It's like comparing a pit bull to a poodle, actually. Focused aggression verses fluffy cuteness. Andrea is spotted in the background hugging big guy Keith. Andrea talks about how she and Kristian have connected, she's never met anyone like him, etc. Kristian tells the camera how he's not as into Andrea as she is into him, and that he's just "super picky." No, you're clueless, Kristian, and you and Andrea need to get real and move on to greener pastures. The sex must be fantastic, that's all I can say!

Steve the forgettable host throws more hot potatoes at the group, (a.k.a. "Reality Check") in the form of provocative questions. At least one of them is aimed at Karen. Keith reads the question out loud. "Have you ever proposed to anybody, or been proposed to? Describe what happened." Karen reluctantly describes how she accepted a proposal ("by mistake") when she was 25. She later went out of town for the weekend with her sister, and returned to discover that her husband had run off with a stripper he had met the night before. Apparently hubby also cleaned out their bank account and treated this stripper to a vacation in Hawaii. Needless to say, the marriage was over. Karen was 29 at the time. Wow! Now that's a story worthy of the Fox network, or maybe Lifetime TV. I only hope she gets a happy ending, and I don't mean the kind the stripper gave her ex. The rest of the group looks subdued, and take turns talking about how private Karen is.

Now it's Kristian's turn to be in the spotlight. His question is "When was the last time you continued to sleep with someone, even though you knew the relationship was over?" Uh, last night. Which is basically Kristian's response. Kristian doesn't have the grace or the wits to prevaricate either, apparently. Andrea acknowledges the question by stating "Uh, there you have it," laid right out in the open on the table. Andrea tries to shrug it off, but her lips disappear into a straight line, as she attempts to smirk. She's not enjoying herself right now. Cecile's eyes are huge, and she's shaking her head at the overwhelming feeling of deja vu. Once again the new guys look around, as if to say, "What the hell is going on here?"

Keith surveys the situation, and decides to cull Andrea from the herd for himself. He thinks they clicked earlier. He likes her small town roots, and her red-headed roots, to boot. While Keith is talking to Andrea, Kristian makes a point of interrupting. Kristian later states that he wouldn't blame Andrea for bolting from the herd, if she so chooses.

Tim senses that he is on the way out. Ya think? Very perceptive, Skippy. Will ponders how he'll feel if he ends up ousting Tim. What will be, will be. (Yes, that was a pun, good job catching it, gentle readers!)

Steve then welcomes the group to proposal point. Steve is wearing a black fur jacket he got from Frederick's of Hollywood. He looks SO GAY! My gay friends are howling at his attire all through the show. Once again, I am forced to inquire, "WHO DRESSES THESE PEOPLE?" Is the costume designer TRYING to make them look bad, or do they just have a knack for it? Good colors, bad patterns.

Keith spurns Rebekah (Yeah! And after their romantic date? I thought they were meant for each other!) in favor of Andrea. Smart move, Keith! You've redeemed yourself in my eyes. However, he chooses to hedge his bets, and lets the other women know that he still is open to them, too. He's holding a really bizarre looking centerpiece, involving a styrofoam base, studded with roses and icicles. It looks like a second grader made it. Well, at least we know Keith isn't gay, judging by his total lack of panache when it comes to arts and crafts. Christopher Lowell he's not. Keith thinks he and Karen had a connection. Kristian looks unhappy.

Michael (Barney Rubble) pleads to Rebekah in a nervous, pressured little speech. He hands her a bouquet. He's noticeably shorter than Rebekah. Rebekah is the kind of woman that would never date a shorter man (unless he has a fat wallet). Brad follows suit, and pleads to Rebekah. There went the hope I was cultivating (following Keith's retreat from Rebekah's camp) that the men were on to Rebekah's little game. Men are idiots. Now Rebekah's dowry is up to $23,000. Brad tells Rebekah how cute she'll look on the back of his Harley. Yeah, a pig on a hog. How often do you get to ride that thing, Brad? Twice a year? Rebekah simpers some more.

Here comes Will, and his plea brings Cecile's dowry up to $15,000. Will doffs his blue coat to reveal an awful sportscaster ensemble. Will gives a pseudo sports cast, pantomiming Cecile's dating history on the show. He's funny and charming, and doesn't slam anyone, even his rival Tim. Cecile is laughing. She obviously gets Will's brand of humor. She's positively bubbling with glee.

Andrea stalks into position, facing Keith and Kristian. At first, the women of my tribe assumed she was angry with Kristian. No, she spurns Keith's advances, and opts to keep Kristian. During this whole exchange, a very red-nosed and dour Kristian fights back tears. He obviously is expecting the worst. Surprise! Andrea is an idiot too, and she chooses a dead-end relationship over a scary new prospect. What are we going to do with her? She evidently needs to be bitch-slapped. Snap out of it, Andrea.

Rebekah gets to pick between Jason, Brad, and Barney Rubble. She schmoozes the other two, telling them what an "amazing time" she had in the two minutes she spent getting to know them. Then, of course, she selects Jason for the "really good energy" they shared.

Now it's Cecile's turn to pick between Tim and Will. She's still babbling on about the "drinking champagne out of her shoe" reference. She just doesn't get it. Tim tries to make another joke about it. Cecile still doesn't get it. I've seen cattle with more intelligent expressions. Cecile picks Will. Now there's a shocker.

We see Brent and Sissie, and Karen and Kurt reunited. Andrea is wrapped in Kristian's arms, gazing deep into his eyes. I know he's pretty, Andrea. Yes, he does have a great voice, and a great body. But he's just coasting along for the ride, can't you see that? I guess you're just being Zen, and living in the moment.

Time for previews! Wow! It looks like they've trotted in the castaway studs to add a little more drama to the mix. I expect we'll see a little macho posturing. They're eating yucky soup, and Andrea is coughing on a fish bone. Get out those art supplies again kids. Kristian is seen talking about what a connection he and Andrea have. Since when? You've been saying from the get-go that you don't think you two will be together long-term! Cecile does NOT look happy to see the old Tim hanging out, breathing her air. Get over it, drama queen.

Please join me next week as I pick apart the sometimes sweet, often pathetic pairings of the Bachelorettes in Alaska.

Suzanne Tromblay is a licensed social worker with the State of Ohio.

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