Bachelorettes in Alaska, Episode 5: Rebekah's Recent Rejects Return to Roost

Well, gentle readers, the time is nigh, this was the second-to-last episode, can you believe you devoted this much time to watching this dreck? Just one more episode to go! You're almost there! And I'll be right by your side to educate, motivate and inspire you! Just think of me as the workout coach of luuuuv! The producers begin this episode by recapping the episodes that came before. We're given the Reader's Digest condensed version of the preceding events. Thank God, I don't think I could have made it through the unedited repeat performance of any of Cecile's many tirades. We are treated to shots from the infra-red spy cams placed throughout the cabins, showing various scenes of communal snogging, accompanied by oh-so-hip techno music. The chemical brothers have arrived to serenade our lovers, apparently. Rebekah and Jason cuddle. As far as I know, there has been no kissing (at least on camera) between the two. Maybe Jason is waiting for Rebekah to retract her fangs first. Cecile and Will are shown snuggling on the couch. Again, no kissing. I know, Cecile and Rebekah are holding out in hopes of pairing off with each other! Andrea and Kristian get naked. The viewing audience has been treated to this shot so many times, we're beginning to feel blase' about it. Yeah, right, Kristian is helping Andrea out of her top, yeah, yeah, get on with it. We want some action! Brent and Sissie are shown smooching. I can't help but wonder when little Brent is gonna get some play. He's been sitting it out on the bleachers for so long, he's in danger of freezing into a pathetic blue Brentsickle. Karen and Kurt don't exactly strike me as the dynamic duo, either. Those two need to fish or cut bait!

The established couples are packed off to a fabulous aquarium in Seward, AK, for a day of fun. Rebekah rides Jason's back all the way inside. Writers would call this foreshadowing, Jason, which means that it is a taste of things to come. If you stick with the princess, she'll be riding your back and digging in her Gucci loafers for many more days to come. Cecile and Will fondle a sea urchin in a tank. Cecile makes an insightful observation in regards to the sticky secretions that are left clinging to her fingers. Writers might refer to this as belaboring a point. I call it a well earned reward for sitting through this drivel! Does it remind you of anything, girlfriend? Everyone seems to be having a lovely, low-key time. Rebekah bounces around, trying to look fetching while simultaneously burning off as many unwanted calories from her three-Tic Tac breakfast as possible.

After a long day of ogling the captive wildlife, as well as the animals at the seaquarium, the couples head back to the lodge. Steve the forgettable host assembles the couples nearby, with a view of numerous SUVs pulling up in the background. The couples are informed that the spurned swains have assembled in the lodge, awaiting their arrival. The women look startled. Andrea admits to being overwhelmed. Not that it will make a difference in her choice, heaven forbid. Rebekah looks hungry. Watch out boys, you're on the menu! Obviously, those Tic Tacs weren't filling enough, and Rebekah is on a high protein diet (*wink*wink*)! We see the girls dispensing hugs to the other guys. Then we see Tim 2 going through the whole "drinking champagne out of a shoe" shtick for Will's benefit. Cut to Cecile, walking rapidly away and rolling her eyes as if to say "Oh my Gawd! Let it go already!" Here, CeCe, let me say it for you: What a loser. Then Cecile and Tim each talk about how awkward it was. Tim's excuse for dissing Cecile was in order to save face with his family. C'mon, Tim. You're 24 now. Be your own man, already! If you really don't want to pursue a relationship on TV, then don't agree to be on the show, and don't cash their checks. In most of the shots, Tim can be observed within 10 feet of Cecile. He's wishy-washy and conflicted. I'm surprised we've never dated, he's like my last boyfriend to a "T."

Patrick asks Rebekah and Cecile what they've been doing. Rebekah replies "Just having a lot of sex." Patrick replies "cool." I wonder if he knew she was referring to herself and Cecile? Then we run through the extensive list of all the men that Rebekah has eliminated. There's seven or eight of them, it's hard to keep track, even with all the instant replays. Troy coyly informs the camera that Rebekah enjoys playing up to the men, going from one to the other. Duh. Took you long enough, Einstein. Steve tells all assembled that there will be a very special traditional Alaskan meal served in one hour, and he dismisses the girls so they can go primp. Does he honestly think Rebekah can get ready in only one hour? Her pedicures take longer than that! Apparently Rebekah has enough time to squeeze in a quickie workout on the mini tramp (no, not Cecile). She's jumping around, feverishly trying to burn off the rest of those pesky Tic Tac calories while the other women try on outfit after outfit. Rebekah comments on Cecile's choice of attire: "I'd do you in it, girlfriend!" Cecile quips, "I bet you would!" Rebekah reasserts, "I'd switch hit for you!" Tell us something we don't know. Then, to kick up the aerobic workout a notch, Rebekah starts singing, "I'm goin' on a man-hunt!" while swinging her arms wildly. As Cecile and Rebekah finally exit, Cecile crows "You're such a SLUT! I LOVE you!" Case closed.

We cut to the assembled men, toasting Brent as though it was a bachelor party. It's obvious at this point to everyone that Brent and Sissie are the real deal. Brent has that "Aw, shucks" kind of look on his face. Then Steve informs the men that this is their last chance to hook up with the ladies. The women strut in, to the obvious delight of the men. The girls are wearing some very fetching attire. Rebekah, of course, is showing a lot of skin, and dressed to kill. Then she has the audacity to protest that she feels as if she is on display. She's the kind of "look but don't touch" tease you men used to complain about in high school, and yet you keep on going after her! The women are seated at their own table in the front of the room, and tempted with such delicacies as fish head soup, eskimo ice cream (berries in whale blubber), smoked salmon, moose meat, dried seaweed, herring eggs, etc. Karen immediately asks if this was another contest. The men are deriving a lot of entertainment from Karen's discomfort, with Terry making a comment to the effect that Karen acted like her spoon weighed 300 pounds. She's forcing herself to eat it to be a good sport. She's getting more and more upset, and Kurt begins to feel sorry for her evident torment. Andrea begins to choke on a fish bone (I thought those were two of Cecile's strong suits...) and the producers begin to sweat bullets, contemplating a "reckless endangerment" lawsuit. She finally returns to the table, after much ribbing from the men, who offer mouth to mouth. Andrea and Sissie compare notes about Kristian's glaring lack of concern. "He didn't move" a muscle to check on Andrea. Maybe this will help bring it home to Andrea that Kristian is just not the kind of guy you want to have around for a lifetime, fathering your kids. Patrick tries to win points with Andrea and provide some distraction by cutting up her moosemeat for her.

Rebekah remarks how much fun it is to have such a wide selection of men to choose from. She points her finger at one after another, like "I'll take him, and him, and him...." I'm guessing she wasn't pointing at Thaddeus, in his chain mail shirt. I can picture him in front of his mirror, striking a pose, pursing his lips, etc. saying "This sure makes me look butch!" Then he playfully claws the air and says "rowr!" This guy's about as hetero as Paul Lynd. Tim 2 catches the full meaning of Rebekah's gesture, and says mockingly "Yeah, whatever." Rebekah's nostrils flare. Toro! Toro! She starts slamming Tim 2 in a conversation with Cecile, noting that Tim 2 is lusting after the California girls. Cecile looks like she just drank out of his shoe. "EEEEW! As if!" Cecile ponders that Tim 2 must feel a little bitter. Tim decides to make a further fool of himself, and engages Will in a battle of wits. Will responds by asking Tim 2 "how it feels on the bench." The crowd hoots and jeers. Tim 2 rejoins the fray, asking Will if he thinks in one-liners. Dead silence. Somewhere, a cricket chirps. Still silence. Nice try, Tim, you've just proven to the crowd that you're a pompous ass. They merely suspected it before. Tim 2 shouts "Game on!" No, game over. You lose. Both Tims assemble on the deck, and Tim 2 is spouting off about how the California girls need to go back home and take their makeup with them. Tim 1 is laughing, like the true follower that he is, incapable of forming an original thought or acting independently. Tim 2 reminds me of the Aesop's fable "Sour Grapes." If you can't have something, try to prove to anyone listening that you didn't want it in the first place because of it's inferior qualities. Give me a break! Like Tim 2 wouldn't bark like a dog if either Rebekah or Cecile threw him a bone.

Steve throws another chunk of raw meat into the bear pit by giving the guys another reality check. But first, Steve ousts the remaining men on ice so that the rejects can feel free to speak more openly, and hopefully boost the ratings with all the ensuing snarling and gnashing of fangs. The losers like the idea, and begin to circle their prey. Terry the mensch appoints himself as spokesman for the group. Bob the sasquatch laments Sissie's connection with Brent. Troy yearns after Rebekah, referring to her as 100% sweetheart. You're clueless, buddy. You deserve her. Michael the teacher likes Cecile's "spunky attitude." Interesting choice of words. He said it, not me!

Cut to the chase: the men start firing away with verbal ripostes. Matt leads the witch hunt. "Now that you've all seen a little part of Alaska, if your guy asked you to move to Alaska to be with him, would you?" Andrea and Sissie state emphatically "yes." Matt has a vested interest in asking that particular question, since Karen told him from the get go that she would not consider moving up to Alaska. The scene cuts to Karen and Matt in the hot tub, and you can read Karen's lips as she shakes her head and states "No way!" repeatedly. Karen prevaricates, saying that she probably would if she had enough time to get to know him. The guys up the ante, and ask her if she would relocate on Kurt's behalf. She reiterates that she's have to get to know him a lot better. Then Matt calls her bluff, and Terry sees it, by mentioning her previous contradictory statements, this time including the other girls. We've heard several of you say it on several occasions. (Burn the witch! Burn her! I can smell the smoke now. Run girls!) Rebekah throws them a huge gobbet of bull, stating that she would move anywhere for love, true love, real love. Yadda yadda yadda. Terry turns on her, again saying that she has been heard several times stating that she wouldn't move to Alaska. Rebekah has a steely expression on her face, and tries to dissemble, saying that as long as she had the right gear, and hand and foot warmers, she'd be cool, etc. Her head is bobbing around at double time now. Terry has really shaken her composure. If you go back and read her expressions and body language, it becomes evident that she is lying out her nearly non-existent ass. It’s amazing how full of crap she really is. Go Terry, go! I smell smoked princess, and it smells a lot like plastic, somehow!

Tim 2 poses the next question, trying to expose the women as shallow golddiggers. He wants them to describe the kind of rings they want. Most of the women blow him off, saying that the ring doesn't matter if you love the guy. Then Sissie pipes up, saying that she wants a platinum ring with an emerald cut stone. She is so cute and genuine when she says it, that everyone laughs and the tense atmosphere dissipates somewhat. She's the only one who could have pulled that off! The group cheers and claps. Sissie answers the next question referring to the women's original choices, and if the women would have changed their choices. Sissie refers to the chemistry she instantaneously shared with Brent. "It's like when you pass some one in the grocery store and you want to say to them 'did you feel that?'" Rebekah rolls her eyes. Cecile states that she had this same sort of connection with Timmy (1). She's still trying! Tim 2 asks her if Tim 1 ever offered to drink out of her shoe. Leave it alone, loser! Cecile lashes out, "No, he's not psycho!" For some odd reason, the producers felt the need to punctuate this statement by dubbing in the sound of a catfight. I thought that was a bit redundant. The crowd loved that exchange, and they start whooping it up like it's the Jerry Springer Show.

Troy wants to know if the girls were to fall in love with the state, how would they convince all these great guys that they were the Alaskan bomb. For those of you who speak English, allow me to translate: Troy wants to know how the women would convince Alaskan men that the women were truly well-suited to the Alaskan wilderness. Or something like that. Rebekah sees this as her time to shine and impress the menfolk. Immediately her body starts weaving, as she tries to charm them with her snakelike movements and vivacious personality. Then she'll spit venom in their eyes. She's winking, and flipping her hair, using every feminine wile at her disposal. Rebekah is throwing the entire arsenal at her listeners with this little presentation. Rebekah starts to weave a tapestry of bullsh*t about how she would hunt, kill, and gut a moose, and prepare a meal for her man using wood that she had caught (versus cut) herself... They're all laughing at Rebekah for making such an idiot of herself, and Karen is laughing the hardest. Rebekah looks (and I will have to resort to a very old fashioned word here, kids, because I think it describes her expression beautifully) "discomfited." There it is. Now pull out your thesaurus. The first one to give me the correct definition gets an additional five bonus points added to their grade. Rebekah wants to be admired, and hates to be laughed at, just like any shallow princess. Compare this performance to the gracious way Andrea handled the fish bone incident earlier.

Terry once again proves his mettle, by asking an insightful question, this time directed at Andrea. Terry asks Andrea why she chose to stick with Kristian versus getting to know the other guys a little better. Obviously wishing they had thought of it first, the other guys grunt approval of the question. Yeah, what he said! Unh! Unh! (Insert chest beating here.) Andrea states that she's just sticking to her guns, and seeing this thing through. Like a captain refusing the last lifeboat, and choosing to sink with her ship, along with the rat named Kristian who steered her into that iceberg in the first place. Good rationalization, honey. Whatever it takes to make you feel better about sticking with a shallow piece of man candy versus someone with a little more depth of character. Andrea then tries to placate the guys by saying that she's had some of the most difficult decisions in her life, alluding to when she chose Kristian over someone else. Namely, Patrick. She tells the camera how hard that was for her. Shut up already. If you're going to continue making the same bad decision over and over again, then don't expect us to want to listen to it again and again. We don't feel sorry for you. You're a codependent person, and you need therapy. So am I, since I insist on watching these losers week after week. Now I'm making my poor readers listen to me whine over and over based on this lapse in judgment. And you readers are enabling me in this, by reading my articles. You ought to be ashamed. Now write to my editor and tell him how wonderful I am, and how much you love me. There, I feel better already, how about you?

Sensing the audience's restlessness with this whole group therapy session, the scene changes to more shots of the glorious Alaskan wilderness. We see caribou running through the snow, snow fields, snow covered mountains. Snow, snow, snow. Then we see the entire group assembled with Steve. Steve tries to incite the crowd to riot, telling the girls to look over the men. "There's a lot of marriage material." That's sort of like a hunter liberally dousing himself with scent. If those words have a chance to hit home with Rebekah, there's going to be a lot of posturing, courtship displays, and head butting. Just like on Wild Kingdom.

Meatmarket contest: Now its time for the ax throwing: Rebekah goes first, to the cheers of "Go princess!" and sticks it in the outer ring. Andrea sticks it as well, as does Sissie and Cecile. Karen bounces it off the ground. Andrea comes closest, and adds another $1000 to her dowry.

The next trial is skeetshooting. Sissie is afraid of guns, but manages to hit a clay pigeon, and shouts to a beaming Brent, "I'm a cowgirl!" Maybe this is a phrase she'll be repeating to him later on, in the privacy of her cabin. Rebekah struts up to the gun rack, and fires off five rounds. She hits nothing. In a soliloquy, she tells the camera that, "It was fun, I'm glad I got to experience it, but I'm not that good at it." Correction, Rebekah, you're not ANY good at it... you didn't hit one! We expected better marksmanship from a woman who lines up male targets in her sights and gleefully guns them down on a daily basis. Maybe Rebekah specializes in attacks that require full body contact with her targets. Karen's turn. Zero hits. Cecile pretends it's both Timmys' gonads, and blasts three clay pigeons out of the sky. She describes the moment when the realization dawned on her that she had hit her target, and she screamed "OH MY GOD, I TOTALLY NAILED IT!!" Didn't we hear this before when she came up for air, after her tryst between the sheets with Tim 1? Cecile adds another $1000 to her dowry, as well as a badge for marksmanship, which should look pretty hip on her white snowbunny jacket.

Now we move up to the final phase of the competition, the fish toss, and the tosser is (as my friend Maggie stated) "putting some English on those fish"; they're really arcing and spinning through the air. Troy gave the girls five star ratings for their sportsmanship. Rebekah can't catch real fish, they keep slipping through her fingers. Maybe they're not the kind of fish that Rebekah in angling for. I'm guessing she has a predilection for a big red snapper, instead. Only Cecile knows for sure. Rebekah manages to catch only a couple of fish, and yells facetiously "Robbed! Robbed!" I bet she would have caught them if they had money or jewels stuck in them. Or a mirror. Sissie catches four fish. Terry finds the whole fish catching contest hilarious, as the nice clean women get besmirched with fish goo. Karen surprises everyone by catching 23 fish, despite how disgusting she finds the experience. "They're heavy and they're cold, and they're slimy and disgusting!" Then it's Cecile's turn, and Cecile turns in a promising performance, by snagging 9 fish. She pretends they're footballs, so she can impress Will. When Cecile drops her last fish, the producers add the cat fight sound byte again. Karen has won this leg of the contest, along with $1000.

Steve the forgettable host makes the three top scorers from all three competitions catch fish until they drop, in a process of elimination. Cecile, Karen, and Andrea vie for the title of "Biggest Fishwife in the Tundra." Karen bitches some more about how the fish have personally attacked her and her compatriots, biting them, breaking their nails, bending back their fingers. Andrea catches the most fish, thereby earning first pick of the remaining men on ice. The background music thunders ominously (give me a frigging break... what drama!) Andrea peruses the line of meat like a drill sergeant. Eyes front and center, maggots! I don't even want to hear you breathe! She pauses at Patrick, and he stands stiffly at attention. Is there anything else standing stiffly at attention in that cold? I think not! She passes Patrick by, leaving him looking somewhat bewildered, and backtracks down the line. Andrea stops when she comes to Keith, towering over the other men in the back row. She reaches past the first row and hauls out her man. She just handed Keith a thousand dollars for the honor, too! Patrick muses to the camera that he was not picked, since he was too much of a threat. Could be, Patrick. Then again, you may just be consoling yourself. Either way, Andrea won't have to put up with your eighth grade level humor for the rest of her days, even if you do cut up her meat for her. Andrea defends her decision to pick Keith, since he's such a good guy! And well mannered, considerate, etc. And hopefully proportionate, if you catch my drift.

Steve the forgettable host instructs the other four women to stand in a row, eyes forward, no peeking! The remaining fourteen men assemble in lines behind their preferred wenches. Tim 1 is noticeably lacking from Cecile's line; he's filed in behind the Rebikinator! No, Timmy, no! She'll eat you for breakfast! (In a manner of speaking.) Rebekah plays up to the camera, protesting that she hadn't heard anyone behind her, and thought that she was being dissed. The cheese stands alone. No such luck. Once all the men have assembled behind their choices, Steve begins the dating game version of "Red Rover." Karen is called up to stand next to Steve and select the other man she wants to vie for her affections. Karen's choices are: Barney Rubble/Mike, Matt, (the manager of the local Merry-Go-Round that she had a lousy first date with), and Patrick, whom Karen says she was glad to see in her line, since he was such a fun guy. She promptly opts for Barney Rubble. Well, at least he's taller than she is. He seems pleasantly surprised. Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered. I expect this guy to have big red hearts instead of eyeballs and cupids circling his head, just like in the cartoons.

Now it's Cecile's turn to pick her co-captain. There's Mike the goofy bastard with the court jester's cap (note to prospective boyfriends everywhere: this is NOT a good look), Jim, (Rebekah's first casualty), and Jack, the Hallmark poet. Cecile acts genuinely surprised that Tim 1 was not in her line. After that first disaster, she's dumb enough to be surprised? Duh! She states matter-of-factly that she would have picked him, because there were things that she had left unsaid. Meaning that she wanted to gnaw on his nads for a while longer, since her brain finally had enough time to come up with a few more pithy (or pissy) things to say. But, since Tim was not foolish enough to stand behind Cecile, she's forced to pick from the second string. She shocks the hell out of everyone, and selects Michael, the teacher with the goofy ass hat. Apparently, she knows that she's lacking in some areas, and is hoping Mike can tutor her. There ain't enough Cliff’s Notes in the world, sweetheart. We could lock you in the Smithsonian for the rest of your life, and you'd still come out an idiot. "Hey, look at all these defective M & M's I got! About half of them have W's on them instead!" Mikie the boob figures that he has a chance to "hit it off" with Cecile, and that the prospect of having Cecile pick him made him forget how cold his toes were. That's the first sign of frostbite, Jester-boy. It's obviously impaired your judgment, too. She picked you to prove to Will that she is serious about him. You are the virgin sacrifice, dumbass! Run, Forrest, run!

Tim 1 rationalizes why he went to Rebekah's line. "Duh, 'cause no one else was in it." Good thinking, Timbo. If you really didn't want to play the game anymore, then you should have stood in Sissie's line. It was the longest, and you would have had safety in numbers. Instead, you stand behind the barracuda with a big ole "Pick me! I'm a masochist!" sign painted on your forehead. Rebekah gets to pick between Brad, Troy (mmm-mmm-mmm!), and Tim. She gleefully shouts "TIMMAH!" a' la Southpark. I almost liked her for a second, thinking of her watching Southpark, one of my favorite shows. Then I remembered who I was thinking about, and I snapped out of it. Now I'm just sitting here, feeling sorry for Tim. Oh well, he made his bed, now he gets to lie in it. Will muses about Rebekah's choice, saying that everyone talked about how likeable Tim was, and that maybe there was a spark between Rebekah and Tim. Or maybe the cat wants to bat another headless mousie morsel under the couch. "I know, I'm going to torture the shy guy mercilessly, and make Cecile go ballistic! Won't that be cool?" (On a side note: what kind of a woman would openly select a man that one of her supposed friends had such a sticky (cough*cough) history with? And right under Cecile's nose? With friends like that...)

Now it's Sissie's turn to wade through the swarms of admirers surrounding her. Sissie gets to select from a large grouping of bachelors. I'm remembering her little speech about shopping in the supermarket, and I envision her with a little basket slung over her arm, squeezing a bicep here, a deltoid there, checking for firmness. This one's ripe. I'll pick Thaddeus. Boy, is he ever. Ripe, that is. That boy stinks of freakishness. Maybe he ditched the chain mail in favor of warmer gear, but he still looks like one of the goons from a Popeye cartoon. And he simpers! The guy titters and simpers in a falsetto voice, I swear to God! Maybe the subzero temperatures have caused his nads to draw back up into his body cavity, hence the high voice. Or he's a real castrati, thanks to that chain saw accident when he was twelve. Anyway, Sissie also opted for the guy that was the least threatening to her relationship. (She and Brent are the only couple that I can refer to being in a "relationship" without falling off my chair, laughing.) And to think she picked Thaddeus over Jeff, Tim 2, Terry, and Bob the Sasquatch. Why didn't she pick Terry again? He gave her $2000 the last time he was in her lineup, and she knows that he's a good guy, and harmless. He's also a lot less annoying than Thaddeus, who looks like a bouncer from either the Rennaissance festival or a gay bar. How about a medieval gay bar! OK, girls! Whose turn is it in the iron maiden? Me! Pick me! (Amid squeals of impish delight.) Thaddeus begins tittering again, saying how he kinda thought he stood a chance with Sissie. Repeat the "Me! Pick me!" speech.

Steve gravely intones about how the women have 48 hours to get to know the two men they have selected. How one of them might end up being their husband. How the next time they all meet will be up on proposal point. If he's trying to build up to an emotional climax, he's doing a lousy job of it. Perhaps he could take a few pointers from Cecile. The previews for next weekends finale' run, complete with dramatic orchestration, and Steve droning on about how the women will select their final man on ice for the moment they've been waiting for their entire lives... (What, they've been waiting their entire lives for the opportunity to stand half naked on an arctic mountaintop, waiting to be stood up in an expensive dress? While the whole world watches? THAT must be my problem. I've been setting my sights too low...) My favorite part of the previews shows the back view of a woman with dark hair (just past her shoulders, actually) watching as a plane circles away from her, without discharging it's passenger. Let's hope this is a real event involving Rebekah, and not just a tease. She's rich enough already. Just let her and Cecile go back to the valley and play house together with their winnings. And if it's televised, then the male members of the audience would finally have something they'd consider worth watching.

Suzanne Tromblay is a licensed social worker with the State of Ohio.

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